Rather Be (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  “Damn, you feel good,” I whispered against her ear before sucking her lobe and sinking even further into her.

  “Welcome home,” she whispered, digging her fingers into my back and urging me to drive harder.

  Her panting breath on my cheek was soft yet electric. She trailed her lips across my jawline and sucked my chin as I rose and thrust back and forth.

  Delicate fingers rested against my forearms as she gazed at me with a dreamy smile. She opened her mouth to speak, but all she could manage was a deep moan that soon gave way to a whimpering cry of pleasure. Grabbing my ass, she pushed me inside her until I was driving hard and fast to a place I’d never been before.

  Sex had sent me to high places, but this one was a whole new level.

  Her cries grew and I joined her, forgetting the fact that we were exposed to the night.

  All that existed was me and her.

  My eyes glazed as an orgasm rocketed through me. I pushed into her and held fast as she gripped my body, wrapping her legs around me and holding tight.

  As I slowly floated back to reality, my arms went slack and I lay on top of her, tantalized by the brush of her erect nipples on my skin. She cupped the back of my head and nestled our cheeks together, using my body as a naked blanket for hers.

  Her lips quivered against my earlobe, and then I felt a tear trickle between our cheeks.

  I tried to pull away so I could look at her, but she held tight and kept me where I was.

  “I’m okay,” she whispered. “I was just thinking that if we have to have a goodbye, this is the perfect one.” She sniffed. “When I leave you tonight, I won’t be tormented like the other times. We love each other. I know that now. And we’re not being torn apart by outside forces.”

  I wrestled against her and pulled back so I could stare into her eyes.

  Running my finger down the edge of her face, I braved a smile. “I’ll wait for you. I don’t care how long you need to be away.”

  Her smile was wonky. “I can’t ask you to wait.”

  “You’re not. I’m choosing to.”

  “But…”

  “I know that you’re the only girl for me now, and nothing is going to persuade me otherwise.”

  She cupped my cheek and brushed her thumb beneath my eye. “You’re the only guy for me too. There’s never been anyone but you.”

  Her eyes told me exactly what she was saying. And I was honored.

  My throat thickened with emotion as I gave her the best smile I could.

  But it was hampered by the growing sadness.

  She was leaving me again. Yes, she’d come back, but when? How much longer did I have to live without her?

  “You’ll stay in touch, right?” I croaked, panic stealing my voice.

  She let out a breathy chuckle and nodded. “I’ll send you songs, photos. I’ll GoPro everything.”

  I laughed and rested my forehead against hers. “I’ll write you love letters.”

  My husky words scored me a kiss. It was deep and passionate, an outpouring of emotion that took us on another ride. One last moment of beauty before we pulled our clothes back on and went our separate ways.

  We exchanged numbers, something that made us both chuckle. How had we spent so much time together, gotten to the point where we’d declared our love for each other, without doing something so simple, so mundane, as exchanging numbers? She made me promise not to see her off at the airport. I understood why and so I agreed, as long as she promised to text me as soon as she landed in Hawaii.

  We kissed again by her car, and it took everything in me not to beg her to stay.

  As her car disappeared into the darkness, I felt my gut sink into my shoes. The sadness that enveloped me was a new kind. It wasn’t a confused or desolate sadness. There was a thread of hope that kept me from sinking.

  Charlie was still mine.

  And I was hers.

  And one day, we’d be together again.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Charlie

  “You sure you don’t want to change your mind?”

  “Fliss, don’t.” I gave her a stern look, wishing I hadn’t asked her and Flick to drive me to the airport.

  My mom, although she wanted me to go, was a wreck. It was finally hitting home that her flighty daughter was seriously seeing something through and she may not be back anytime soon. Dad suggested we say goodbye at home so that I’d have time to mop up my tears in the car.

  It was an effort. Mom’s tears set me off, and then having to hug Papa Bear goodbye sucked. He was really sweet and stoic about it, but as the car pulled away, I noticed him blinking really fast.

  Fliss and Flick were quiet at first, but as we entered LAX, she started talking and wouldn’t shut up.

  “I can’t go back now.” My voice shook. “Everything’s in place. This is right. I have to go.”

  She nodded, looking kind of sad. “At least you have something to come back for now.”

  I let out a watery laugh, clamping my lips together to shut off the sound. I couldn’t think about Nixon or I’d lose it completely.

  I hadn’t slept a wink the night before. I didn’t even get home until after three, and then I distracted myself by working through Cassie and Troy’s photos. I didn’t finish but had my laptop fully charged for the plane.

  The early afternoon was fast approaching and I still hadn’t caught a wink. I’d probably crash on the plane. Man, I hoped so. Zero sleep always made me tearful. I didn’t want to show up in Hawaii a blubbering mess.

  Flick pulled the car into an unloading bay and I slid out, my legs acting like iron beams—slow and unbendable.

  “Here you go, travel girl.” Flick handed me my pack and I tried not to crumple under its weight.

  Pulling it on, I hitched it onto my shoulders and nodded, double-checking I had everything.

  Fliss reached for my hand. “You want me to come in with you? Flick can park the car…”

  I was shaking my head before she could finish. “Don’t, please. I just need to get this underway on my own.”

  She gave me a reluctant nod, crossing her arms and obviously holding back a tirade of I don’t want you going on your own. It’s not safe. Nixon loves you. Stay. Stay. Stay!

  “Thanks for everything, you guys.” I gave them a sad smile and stepped into Flick’s embrace when he spread his arms for me. “Look after my girl,” I whispered in his ear.

  “I’ll love her with everything that’s in me. I swear.” Stepping back, he squeezed my arm and winked. “You can do this. You’re a big tough chick.”

  “Take lots of photos.” Fliss pulled me into a hug. “Stay in touch. I want updates on every step of your journey. Even the boring stuff.”

  I nodded, resting my chin on her shoulder and squeezing tight.

  “Love you, Flissy.”

  “Love you, Chuck. Come home soon.”

  I pulled back, put on the bravest smile I could muster then spun and walked inside.

  Finding the right counter was easy. Walking to it was another story…until I got a text from Nixon.

  Travel challenge—Day 1: Take a photo of the craziest-looking person on the plane.

  I’ll expect a snap as soon as you touch down in Hawaii.

  Be safe, gorgeous. I’ll be thinking of you the whole time.

  Love you xx

  Below that was a series of emojis that made me laugh, and then he pasted a link to “Leaving on a Jet Plane” by Me First and Gimme Gimmes.

  I scrambled for my earplugs and soon had the song blasting in my ears. It made me grin, and then it made me laugh…and then it made me dance to the counter to check in with an excitement that only a traveler could feel.

  I was on my way.

  And Nixon was coming with me.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Nixon

  I missed her. It’d been two days since she left and I was pining like a freaking teenage girl with an uber crush.

  Staring at my phone, I smiled a
t the most recent photo Charlie had sent me. It was a breathtaking sunset that she’d just watched from the beach.

  Damn, I wanted to be there, see it with my own eyes.

  Glancing at my desk, I spotted the acceptance letter from Columbia. Gently sliding it out from beneath my pile of old textbooks, I slowly read it again.

  My parents were so freaking proud the day it arrived.

  Wrinkling my nose, I scrunched it into a tight wad and threw it towards the trash can.

  It hit the rim and landed on the floor…right next to my father’s shiny black shoe.

  He glanced down at the paper and then across the room at me.

  “Can I come in?”

  I just stared at him, not sure what to say.

  I was still pretty pissed about what he’d done, and I’d told him so. Ripped shreds off him the second I’d gotten home from saying goodbye to Charlie. It’d been a shock, considering it was three o’clock in the morning. A hell of a way to wake up.

  We hadn’t really spoken again since.

  I would have moved out already, but I had no place to go and I wasn’t ready to set up in New York yet. I didn’t even know if I wanted to go.

  But what would that mean if I didn’t?

  I wasn’t naive enough to deny I’d had a privileged life. Up to that point, my parents had basically covered all my expenses. My constantly topped-up trust fund meant I’d never had to want for anything…other than Charlie.

  It made me dumb and immature to think I hadn’t even considered this before. But if I followed my heart, I had to face the reality that I could very soon be homeless and broke.

  I glanced at my father, who was still loitering outside my door.

  With a heavy sigh, I tipped my head and silently told him to come in.

  He shuffled into my room, perching on the edge of my bed and gazing at the wall of academic trophies and certificates.

  He didn’t say anything, just stared up at that damn wall.

  My radio was playing softly in the background but my ears picked up on a familiar tune and I grimaced, realizing the song was nailing it.

  “Rather Be.”

  Hell yeah, I’d rather be anywhere than where I was.

  Sitting in my beige room that Mom had designed, painfully watching my father in his black slacks and white shirt struggle to form a sentence…not exactly a breathtaking sunset in Hawaii with the woman I loved.

  “If you gave me a chance…” The singer shot an arrow into my heart as she kept singing, reminding me that the only place on Earth I really wanted to be was by Charlie’s side.

  Broke or not, I wanted to be with my girl.

  Turning towards my stereo, I gazed at the display panel and was struck yet again by how much music had been trying to speak to me since that snowbound moment in New York. All the songs on the road trip, my “Crashed the Wedding” moment—it kept leading me to Charlie.

  Closing my eyes, it hit me with the force of a wrecking ball.

  I was a stupid idiot.

  Had I been deaf the whole time?

  The music had finally convinced me to be with Charlie and what was I doing? Sitting at home with my parents, not being with Charlie.

  “I don’t want to go to Columbia,” I blurted, surprised by how damn good those words felt coming out of my mouth.

  Dad’s expression bunched with pain and then he slowly nodded like he somehow knew this was coming. “What do you want to do, then?”

  “I want to be with Charlie,” I croaked. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  Squeezing his eyes shut, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “And it’s not just some young, blind love talking here. We had dreams, plans. Things we both wanted to do. And now she’s off doing them and I’m stuck here, missing her. Missing out on the life I wanted. All because you put your nose in and screwed everything up!”

  Gritting his teeth, Dad shot me a hard look. “I was trying to protect you.”

  “Yet you destroyed the one thing that was most precious to me.”

  He scrubbed a hand down his face and he held his mouth, obviously fighting strong emotions.

  With a soft sigh, I looked to the floor and murmured, “I know you were only trying to do what you thought was right. But you were wrong. You were so wrong.”

  “We were terrified of losing you.” His brown eyes were pleading with me to understand. “You didn’t see your mother. How afraid she was. She had visions of you leaving and never coming back. I couldn’t handle watching her return to that place of…darkness. The hours she cried over Reagan. All that emotion, I just… I couldn’t watch her go through it again.”

  “I wasn’t dying. I was leaving the country for a while. We had every intention of coming back.”

  “You’re our only son,” he croaked. “We needed to keep this family together.”

  “You could have, so easily. If you’d just let Charlie in.”

  He swallowed. “It would have been so hard on you both. High school was fine. You hung out together there, but life…actual life? She doesn’t fit. That may sound snobby, but it’s true. All of our friends…They would have mocked her. It’d be like trying to enter a unicorn into a pedigree dog show. She’s so…out there, Nixon.” He pointed at my computer screen behind me. “I mean, her hair is blue. It’s blue!”

  I glanced over my shoulder and grinned at my screensaver. It was the selfie Charlie took for the Day 2 challenge I sent her. She had to take a pic wearing something that made her laugh. She had a big pair of heart-shaped shades on and was pulling the cutest face.

  Brushing my fingers over the screen, I turned back to my father and looked him in the eye.

  “Will you cut me off financially if I don’t go to New York?” My voice was hard, my gaze hopefully telling him that I knew exactly what he’d said to her.

  His eyebrows dipped together, guilt and disappointment running over his expression. A heavy sigh made his entire body slump. “Truth is, I wouldn’t have done any of the things I threatened Charlie with. I was just trying to scare her.”

  “You asshole,” I murmured.

  Again, his expression was pained and desperate for me to understand.

  All I could do was glare at him.

  “We’re going to lose you if we don’t support your choices, aren’t we?”

  “Yes.” There was no point bullshitting. I wasn’t losing Charlie again, and if they were going to make me choose, then that was their problem.

  It kind of hurt to say it. After everything we’d been through, all the energy I’d poured into making them proud, it hurt like nothing else to know what they’d done. But I wasn’t immune to the pain they’d experienced losing Reagan either.

  I wanted to be the good son, but they were forcing me into rebellion.

  “It’s my life, Dad. I was old enough back then to make my own decisions, and I’m sure as hell old enough now. I’m not wasting any more time living the life you think is best for me. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I should never have given up on journalism.” I shook my head. “It’s time to follow my heart, or I’m going to die a miserable loser.”

  “She’s coming back for you,” he whispered hopefully.

  “When? If you think I’m just going to sit back and take this for one more day, then think again. Even if you cut me off, I will find a way to make this happen. I’m sick of waiting for my heart to be in the same place I am. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “And you won’t have to,” Mom said from the doorway. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Wiping them away with her delicate fingers, she caught Dad’s eye and put on a brave smile. “I understand what you were trying to do by scaring Charlie away.” With a little sniff, she stepped into the room and reached out for Dad’s hand. He took it and gently brushed his lips over her knuckles. “I love that you were trying to protect me, but don’t you remember Nixon’s heartache? I guess part of me was relieved that she’d gone, because she did scare me. I thought she was going to steal my s
on and lead him astray, but… I was also so mad with her for making Nixon suffer that way. It hurt to watch him so heartbroken. And I don’t want him to go through that again.”

  Dad’s face bunched in agony while Mom cast her eyes to me.

  “I want you to be happy. And you seem pretty convinced that traveling with her will make you that way. I have to trust you now. You’re an amazing man, and I love you. So that trust fund is yours, Nixon. You use it for whatever you need to.”

  “As long as you use it wisely,” Dad grumbled.

  I sniggered at him. “You know, with the amount you spout about my intelligence, you act like I have none.”

  Closing his eyes with a sigh, he smoothed back his hair.

  “It’s called trust, Dad. Mom’s willing to give it a try. Maybe you should too.”

  Mom let out a watery laugh, then sniffed when I looked at her. Her lips wobbled and a fresh set of tears filled her eyes. Rising from my chair, I walked across the room and wrapped my arms around her.

  “Letting go means you won’t lose me. You’re doing the right thing, Mom. I love you, and I promise I’ll stay in touch.”

  Stay in touch.

  The thought made my insides zing.

  I was doing it.

  I was finally doing something for me. Something I wanted.

  It was an amazing feeling, and as I hugged my mom tight, I couldn’t help the excited grin stretching across my face.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Charlie

  My week in Hawaii was over. It had been a fantastic time. I made friends with a few people in the hostel and we hung out a little. They were nothing close to Nixon though. All the things I’d done without him—surfing lessons, scuba diving, visiting Pearl Harbor—he would have loved all of it. It made me sad that I could only show him photos and videos. Sure, we laughed about it on Skype, but it wasn’t the same.

  I missed my man.

  As I stepped into the airport, I checked the board and noticed flights for LAX. It was tempting to go back home, but I’d already paid for my next flight. I couldn’t turn back after such a short time.