Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  I stood up and walked out of the room before he had a chance to process his response. I went into the bathroom and closed the door. I put the toilet lid down and sat on it, putting my face in my hands and rocked back and forth. What do I do now? A knock was heard from the door before it opened. Colt came to stand in front of me, but then crouched down to be at eye level.

  "Sadie, please look at me."

  I couldn't. I couldn't even stop rocking. I was having a full blown panic attack. Colt’s hands gently came to rest on my arms, slowing my movement, but not restricting me. It was as if he knew just how to treat me right then.

  "Okay, so if you can't look at me, try to just listen, okay? Sadie, it’s not your fault. It never was. I understand why you feel like it is, but it's not. You loved a broken man. He didn't know how to treat you. He was probably scared to lose you, so he controlled the situation the best that he knew how. You saw the best in him, not the worst, and beautiful, that is a quality you should never change. I envy your strength. You came from all that to be the most amazing woman I have ever had the chance to encounter. Please don't hide that pretty face from me anymore. I need to see it. Please Sadie, let me look at you."

  I lifted my head and came to rest my swollen eyes on his. He brought his hands to my face and used his thumbs to wipe the tears that were falling from my eyes.

  "I told you I never wanted to see you sad and I meant it. This part of your life will someday lose the emotion you hold with it and just become a story you can tell others. Maybe someday you can council girls like you were, and show them how to get through it. But first, you have to move past this yourself. You were a victim in a terrible circumstance, and you will move past this someday. I promise. Now enough with feeling sad, it’s time for breakfast and this time we are going out. So let’s take a shower and get ready, okay?"

  I don't know how Colt came to be a part of my life. I truly believe it had to be God’s plan. I sure do know one thing though, I'm grateful.

  CHAPTER 18

  Today was the big day for Shawn. No one wanted to push him to make any kind of decision when it came to Jason before he was ready. Everybody was at his house waiting for him when he came home from the doctor. No one wanted to make it a surprise party because in that case, we would be celebrating a bad day instead of a good one. Doing things this way, we were just there for support and grateful that everything worked out for him. The only person that seemed to be missing was Jason. Heather had begged him to come, but he was just too uncomfortable to be able to do it, I guess. We all heard Shawn’s car pull in, there was no mistaking the Mustang that he drove. I can tell you that I was on pins and needles just waiting for the chance to see the beautiful face he always sported. When he walked in the door, tears formed in my eyes. Everything was as it should be. There was no trace or sign from anything that night to hold memories in their place. He would eventually be able to move past all this and hopefully forget. A line seemed to form just to be able to hug him. I selfishly waited in the back, knowing I wanted a longer hug than most. When he finally made it to the end, he looked like he had been hugged out, but his eyes found me and lit up one last time. I jumped in his arms.

  There was not a place I would have rather been. Shawn was the first one of the guys I met. We worked together at a steak house in town while I was in Cosmetology school and before he could pour alcohol. He introduced me to the rest of the guys when he started at bar ‘51’. He will always be one of my best friends.

  "You ready for a drink, my friend?"

  "Music to my ears, Sadie girl" Shawn heard my dad say that one night when he came into the restaurant and has not let it go.

  "Well then, let’s get our drink on! I'm legal now. Can you believe it? "

  "Oh shit! You are not coming into ‘51’ are you? I can't beat off every patron that has a dick between his legs. We'd be out of business in no time."

  "No, you can’t, but yes, I am. We celebrated my twenty first there. It was fine, don't worry."

  "That is, if you don't count the dude I already had thrown out for feeling you up on the dance floor that night." Colt had walked up as we were talking.

  "What? I knew I wasn't going crazy. What the hell did you do that for?"

  "He did it for the same reason I would. You’re special, Sadie. You don't need to have random assholes feeling you up."

  Shawn can try to justify it all he wants, but I know Colt. He was jealous.

  "Listen here, both of you. I am a big girl who can handle herself. Thank you for caring but don't ever do that again. Do you understand?"

  Both men looked at each other like they understood silent talk and then turned to me simultaneously saying, "We understand."

  Heather found her way over and handed Shawn a beer before she handed me one. "Thanks, chica! I needed this after the bomb Colt just dropped on me."

  "What did he do now?" Heather looked over at a guilty faced Colt.

  "Would you leave him alone? He did the right thing. And I take back my promise. If I see it, I'm doing it." Shawn stood firm.

  "What the hell did he see? I'm totally lost." Heather looked at me for her answer.

  Colt looked at me and then smiled and walked away. He knew I was going to lose this one.

  "I was dancing and some guy started to get a little handsy. He was there one minute and then gone. Like vanished! I just found out Colt had him kicked out. Can you believe that?"

  "Yes," was all she said and then walked away. What the heck was wrong with these people? Shawn looked down at me, then laughed, rubbed my head and left me by myself.

  The get together went well. No one brought up Jason. Everyone stayed a little too long and then went home. Heather and I stayed to clean up for Shawn. When we were done, we gave hugs and said goodbye.

  She and I got to the driveway when I heard her say, "I'm going over to Jason’s to fill him in on how it went today. Are you going home?"

  "I think so. I might run by ‘51’ and apologize to Colt. He probably did me a favor with that guy. "

  "That sounds like a good idea. Give the poor guy some slack. He cares about you. Anyone with eyes can see it."

  I told her good bye and drove straight over to the bar. The parking lot was packed. I walked around to the front entrance and saw Clint, the door guy. He was a blast to bowl with, very competitive. He let me in without paying the cover charge. I thanked him and kept walking. I couldn’t wait to find Colt. I was getting butterflies in my stomach. When I walked past the front bar, Dave saw me and screamed over the music for me to come over for a drink. Of course I wouldn’t turn Dave down. I walked up to grab the beer when I heard him kick some guy off of the bar stool he was sitting on.

  "Dave! You didn't have to do that."

  "I absolutely did, Sadie. You’re royalty here. Haven't you figured that out yet?"

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Colt determined your status. You pay for nothing. Your friends pay for nothing. Nobody touches you and everybody stays happy. Doesn't that make you royalty because I have worked here for what seems like forever and no one gets what you’re getting? Be grateful, Sadie, don't complain."

  I hopped off my barstool and started to pan the room. "Don't worry. I'm more than grateful!"

  "That's my girl."

  I needed to find Colt. I couldn't believe he would do all that for me. When I got ahold of him, I was going to give him the biggest- Are you fucking kidding me?

  I found Colt, if you can only imagine. He was making out with some blonde. And don’t think I am being dramatic, his hands are up her shirt. I couldn’t do this. I could not see this. I started to walk away as fast as I could without calling attention to myself when Bryan grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.

  "Didn't expect to see you up here tonight, Sadie, but I sure am glad I did. Want a drink?"

  At first I was going to decline, but then I saw Ash Williams at the bar Dave was working. Pay backs are a bitch and Colt was about to find out.

  "I
would love one. Are you off work yet?"

  "I wish. I close tonight. But have fun and I'm sure I will see ya around."

  "Thanks, Bryan."

  I walked back up to the bar and asked Dave for a shot this time. I needed liquid courage something fierce to pull this off. I slammed the shot and asked for another. Dave poured it, but this time asked me if something was wrong.

  "Not at all, why?"

  "Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it. You just came in so bubbly and now you just seem distracted. Are you sure nobody fucked with you, because I told you about the policy?"

  "Dave, I promise, I'm fine. Today was a great day. Shawn is back to health. It’s a reason to celebrate."

  "That it is, Sadie."

  I drank that shot and then just asked for a beer. After he handed it to me, I walked away to find my target. Ash was still sitting at the bar on the other side. I walked up slowly trying to determine if he was with anyone. When I realized he seemed to be alone, I approached him.

  "Hey Ash! I didn't think I would see you again so soon."

  "Sadie, I can say the same thing. Not partying as hard tonight I see."

  "No, that was all for my birthday. This is just me dropping by to see a friend. What brings you back?"

  "Would I sound like a stalker if I told you I have been here every night since, just hoping I might get to see you again?”

  I did not even have to think twice about his question. "Yes. Yes, you would."

  "Then that definitely isn't my answer."

  We both cracked up laughing.

  "For real this time, I promise. This is actually the first time I've been back. It just seems like a cool place to hang out."

  "I like that answer a whole lot better. So Ash, what do you do now?"

  "I deal with stocks and trades. What about you? I thought I heard something about you cutting hair?"

  "You heard right. I love what I do. Not many people can say that."

  "I definitely can't. But the money's good."

  "That always helps. Hey, do you want to dance?"

  "I would love to if you’re the one asking."

  We got up to walk out on the dance floor and it seemed all the alcohol hit me at once. I was feeling mighty good. Ash took my hand and led me out to the middle of the floor. We danced for a while laughing and making fun of other people. I know it’s mean, but we all do it.

  Then he grabbed my hand and turned me around. I pressed my body into his and just let go. I was a sweaty mess by this time but I didn’t care. What I cared about in that moment was the way Ash felt behind me. I know it is a little too forward for a girl to do, but I took my hands and brought them to his hips and begin rubbing up and down his thighs. He leaned down and placed his head in the crook of my neck. At the same time he thrust his pelvis and moaned. It was so unbelievably sexy. Without warning, he turned me around and kissed me. I would love to tell you I hated it and was just doing all of this to get Colt back, but that would be a lie. Ash was an incredible kisser. My hands journeyed up his back and into his hair as the kiss deepened. When we finally broke for air, we both just looked at each other in amazement.

  "I didn't see that coming? Did you spike my drink or something when I wasn't looking?" As he said it, he was laughing.

  "I think I saw the chick sitting next to you slip something in it, too bad for her. But think again if you think you’re getting another shot with me after that comment, asshole." I was also just kidding but the fact I kept a serious face made Ash’s expression priceless.

  "Sadie, I'm sorry. I was just trying to play around. I didn't mean to offend you."

  I couldn't hold it in any longer. I cracked up. He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder and spanked my butt. Thank God, I was wearing pants. He set me back down and grabbed my shoulders so I was square with him.

  "So not funny, pay backs are a bitch."

  This brought my train of thought full circle, right back to Colt. Who, when I looked up, was staring right at me. When our eyes met, he turned and walked away. You would think I would have felt good about what just happened, yet all I managed to do was vilify myself. Buzz kill would be a solid term to describe what just happened. I turned my attention back to Ash. He didn't seem to notice the scene that just took place. He was ready for another drink and asked me to join him. But I was just ready for this night to end. I explained to Ash that I had an early day at the shop and I really just needed to be calling a cab. He understood and waited outside with me. He even paid the cab fare and told me he would call me sometime. As the cab driver drove away he said, "Your boyfriend seems very nice."

  The only response that came out was, "Which one?"

  CHAPTER 19

  I wish I could tell you all that I got a call or a visit that night from Colt, but that didn’t happen. In fact, aside from Monday nights at the bowling alley, I haven’t seen him unless I want to go to ‘51’. He has not been an asshole or anything. He just hasn’t been himself either. I don’t know if it all stems from that night or if something else happened. I have asked around but no one seemed to even notice the change, except me. The last time we had some sort of stale mate, it was me seeking him out. That won't happen again. Whatever crawled up his ass, he can get over it. What's fair is fair.

  Everybody had decided to go to the winery today. Even though it’s December, they have an indoor area that I had heard was beautiful. We were all pumped up for it, so I hoped Colt was over his issue by now. Heather, Jason, Mike and I were all riding up there together. The boys were supposed to be here any minute and I have to say, as we waited I couldn’t help but notice that Heather and I looked fabulous. I was wearing a chocolate turtle neck sweater, I paired it with a denim skirt, chocolate and cream zig zag tights and dark brown knee high riding boots. Heather picked blue jean sailor pants and an olive green, wide collar, fitted shirt with camel high heel boots. Both of us chose to leave our hair down. Heather had me curl hers while I just left mine in beach waves. I had just gone back upstairs to put my earrings on when the door opened and I heard the boys come in. I walked down the stairs and Mike turned and whistled. He always knows how to make me smile.

  "What's up, guys? You ready for some fun on this road trip because Heather and I only know how to do it one way."

  Heather started laughing and said, “Maroon Five, baby!" as she held up the CD.

  "Oh, Hell no! I'm not going to hear you girls talk about how hot Adam Levine is the whole time we are in the car." Jason was so jealous of Heather’s fixation with Adam.

  "I don't mind a little Adam, if we get in some Pink." Everyone started laughing their asses off at Mike. For a fighter, he had some of the girliest taste in music.

  "What? She's hot!"

  That only made us laugh harder. We all filed out of the house and down to the car, where the debate started over who was driving. These brothers never knew when to stop. So I just said, “Who’s driving home? Whoever wants to stay sober, the other can drive us there."

  Jason was determined he would not be drinking so Mike got to drive. The whole fight wasn’t really about driving. It was the fact neither one wanted to sit in the backseat, but Jason wanted to sit by Heather. I could care less where I sat, as long as we could get out of there and be on our way. Finally when they all agreed, Heather and Jason were in the back and Mike and I were in the front. Twenty minutes after we left the house, Jason was sucking Heather’s face off. So what was the big deal about being in the back again? Dorks. Mike started telling me about another fight he was going to start training for after Christmas. That made this trip one of the last times he would be able to drink for a while. It amazed me how he could eat like shit and drink like he did and then flip a switch and be in top fighting form in no time. If only girls could be that lucky. We stopped to fill up on gas which allowed Heather and me to utilize the break by going to the bathroom.

  "So I see you and Jason are back to good."

  "Today we are, who knows what it will be like tomorrow. His trainer won't
let him enter any matches until all this stuff with Shawn is settled. It makes him like a yo- yo when it comes to his moods. I'm just going to focus on today and make sure it’s a damn good one."