Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "Oh my God, Heather! I slapped the mother of Mike's child. Have you talked to Mike yet? Is he okay? Where is he? I need to call him and say sorry and congratulations all in the same conversation. This is great and awful. How is Jason? Or the family for......."

  "Okay, stop! I've had enough. I thought it would be fun but you just kept going and going...."

  "Alright, now you stop. What would be fun? Did you make all that up? I will kick your ass if you woke me up for nothing."

  "Oh no, Liz really did have the baby. All of that is true. It's just not Mike’s."

  I jumped up and grabbed her hugging her to death. What great fucking news!

  We all got together at ‘51’ to celebrate Mike not being a dad. His lawyers even tried to talk him into going after her for slander or entrapment. Mike told them he was just happy to be done with it and to leave it alone. Tony couldn't make it because of work again, but Dave, Bryan, Shawn, Geoff, Angie, Ashlee, Jason, Heather, Colt and I were all there to support him. It ended up being fairly laid back. We were all just happy for Mike. He told me at one point in the night that he was shocked by his own reaction to the news. He said a part of him was bummed. That having a son could have been cool, it would just have to be by another mother. That actually made sense to me. How could he not, on some level, accept that he could possibly be the dad. By eleven o'clock everyone was heading out but I wanted to wait for Colt. I kissed and hugged all of them goodbye and then I sat down at the bar. He was working until close, which left me a couple more hours to sit. Hours, to sit and drink. I didn't plan on it but I was a sloppy drunk by the end of the night. He ended up carrying me out to his car, completely not necessary by the way, and went back in to lock up. He was taking entirely too long and I was about to fall asleep when finally I saw him walking back out. When he opened the car door I said," I can give you a night you will never forget. $100 for an hour. $50 if you just want the blow job, but swallowing will cost you another $25."

  He sat down in the driver seat, turned and looked at me putting his hands on the wheel.

  "Oh, now we're into role play. I think I can go with this."

  "No, I'm dead serious. I want money if you want anything. I am in this for profit now."

  "I think I like you better drunk"

  We both started just laughing our asses off.

  Eventually, Colt started the car and we headed back to his house. He was using his left hand to drive, so I grabbed his right hand and placed it on my inner thigh. It didn’t hurt that I had a skirt on. When we pulled into his parking lot, my seatbelt was off and within seconds I was straddling him. I wanted him, badly. I was trying to undo his pants but he convinced me finally to get out of the car. When we made it upstairs, I couldn't wait. I mauled him, stripping his clothes as well as my own. He picked my naked body up and carried me to his room. I was rocking into him showing him how ready I was. By the time my back hit the mattress, he was already inside. This was not sweet love making. This was hard, fast, strong thrusts and I begged him for more. My nails were digging into his skin. I was almost there. I was climbing higher and higher. Just another minute and I... I heard him moan. Like the moan you only hear when... and then... he was out of the game.

  "Are you kidding me?"

  "I'm so sorry."

  "No way! No way, Colt! I was right there. You couldn't have held on just five more seconds."

  "I couldn't take it. It felt so good. It’s not like I have ever done that before."

  My whole body was wound so tight, I felt like I was going to explode, but couldn't.

  "You are so not done. You will fix this problem, right?"

  And let me tell you, he didn't finish until I was satisfied, twice. Now you understand why I love this man?

  Christmas was here and that meant as we all know, that most of the guys went back home for break again. I am lucky that my best friend lives here because spending Christmas without Colt was awful. I was staying at my parents’ of course, and the tradition was we spend Christmas Eve at Heather’s parents’ house. We were supposed to be there a half hour ago, but if we were keeping with tradition, we were always late. My mom was still in the kitchen finishing her apple pie while my dad complained about not being able to eat it when I walked in.

  "Why do you gripe at her so much, Dad? She made one that stays home."

  "Don't come in here barking at me, Sadie girl. Your Mom knows how I get about that pie."

  "Ridiculous is what you get." My mom always cracked me up.

  "Well, hurry up, both of you. We are already late as it is." I walked over to the kitchen table and sat down. My mom grabbed the pie warmer and said, “We are waiting on you." Nice try. We walked over listening to dad bitch about the roast Heathers mom cooks every year. It was awful. When we got there, Heather opened the door with Jason standing behind her. We all gave hugs and kisses and wished each other Merry Christmas. Jason offered to take our coats. After he walked down the hallway to set them in the back room, my mom went on and on about what a gentleman Jason was. It only made Nancy blush more that she had another reason to brag about her soon to be son in law. Nancy is Heather’s mom and boy, does she love Jason. Her dad, Gary, isn't as big of a fan but that's only because Heather is his one and only princess just like I am to my dad. I don't think my dad would ever approve of any man I brought home. Speaking of dads, I had asked Colt if he wanted to join us for Christmas when he still planned on being in town. He avoided the question. Then he found out Jamie was not going to be taking Maddie to her grandma’s house that lived out of town after all. So he flew home two days ago. I talked to him earlier today. He and Maddie were hanging out while Jamie went shopping. I don’t know if it’s because of the holidays, or just the fact that I am surrounded by my family and friends, but what he has when he goes back home is really starting to set in. Whether he and Jamie could make it work or not, Colt has a little girl who needs him. The time that he got to have here, it is probably like a dream world for him. Where there are no responsibilities, nobody counting on him, where he can do whatever he wants to do because he knows when he wakes up, he will be forced back to reality and his dream world is over. Maybe that is what he has been trying to get me to understand. I wonder if there will ever be a time when his dream world and reality collide. Would I ever get to meet Maddie?

  "What in the hell are you thinking about over there?" Grandma Shirley just screamed at me. It is obvious she does not have her hearing aid in, lovely. This is going to be a fun night.

  "Just stuff, Grandma." She is Heather’s gran, but she makes me call her grandma as well.

  "Don't lie to an old lady, Sadie. We know better. Who's the boy?"

  "What boy?" My dad heard the word boy and instantly he wanted part in the conversation.

  "There is no boy. Why would you ask that?"

  "Because I know love trouble when I see it."

  "Alright, I am grabbing a beer. Sadie, do you want one?" Of course my dad went and left me there with Shirley.

  "More like need, Dad, and can you tell Heather to come here, please? Like now."

  My dad just laughed as he walked away.

  "You can try to fool me all you want, but I see a broken heart. You need to leave this one alone and find a new one that isn't broken." What was she psychic now? Where the hell was Heather? I was about to just excuse myself, when Jason walked in the room.

  "Jason, come talk to me. How is your family?" He looked at me like I was sprouting another head. That wasn’t a weird question, so what’s with the look? Is everyone going crazy or what?

  "Really, that good, huh? Well, it was nice chatting with you both, but I need a drink.” Just then my dad walked in with a beer and handed it to me. Awkward.

  "Sadie girl, Heather told me to tell you that you've lost your mind and she sent Jason instead." How flipping obvious can he be, seriously? Then he walked back out of the room. I needed an escape, now.

  "Hey Jason. What is your family doing tomorrow for Christmas?" He just looked at m
e funny again. I give up.

  "What in the hell are you thinking about over there?" Not again. I stood up and said, "Jason, she is talking to you. Be nice and answer her." and then I ran from the room. When I caught Heather spying and laughing her ass off, I hit her, hard.

  "You so suck!"

  "That was some of the funniest shit I have ever seen."

  "Well, I left Jason so he can have her for a while."

  "Oh no, Jason totally knows how to work grandma. He will be fine."

  I glance back into the room and Jason was giving her the same weird look he gave me, but this time Shirley was laughing hysterically. He really did have the touch with her.

  "Dinner time", my mother and Nancy called. Thank God for small favors.

  At the dinner table we all said grace. Then it was time to pretend the roast was good. My parents and I have subjected ourselves to this nasty meal for the last couple of years. When it comes down to it though, it is the company that you keep that matters, not what you eat. I told myself that but I knew I would just get my fill on pie later, like I did every year. Dinner conversation was mainly about the wedding. Like that was a surprise. We still have almost two years, people. When the meal was over, my family excused themselves so that Heather’s could exchange presents. We all gave out hugs and kisses. When we were walking out the door, Jason stopped me.

  "Hey Sadie, I forgot to give you something." He handed me a small box.

  "Colt asked me to make sure you got that." I looked down at the wrapped gift and smiled. "Thank you, Jason. Merry Christmas" I gave him a hug and then followed my parent’s home.

  I said good night to my parents and went up to my childhood room. They never changed a thing when I left. It is as if they are just waiting for their little girl to come back home. It’s sad in a way. No one wants to leave, but we all have to move on at some point. I sat down on my bed and just stared at the box. It didn't feel right opening it without him here, so I texted him to see if he was still awake.

  Me: YOU STILL AWAKE?

  Colt: SURE AM. BUT MADDIE IS SLEEPING ON ME SO I CAN'T CALL.

  DID YOU GET MY GIFT? DO U LIKE IT?

  Me: I GOT IT BUT IT FEELS WEIRD OPENING IT WITH U THERE AND ME HERE.

  Colt: PLEASE JUST OPEN IT. I'M DYING HERE WAITING

  Me: OK I'M OPENING IT NOW

  I set my phone down and tore open the paper. It was a jeweler’s box. What could he possibly have gotten me? When I opened the lid, I gasped. It was a gold chain linked bracelet with only a single word in the middle made from sapphires, "Stay." It was the most beautiful thing I have ever received. I pulled it from the box and immediately put it on. I couldn’t help but stare at how the word "Stay" shined and sparkled. The bracelet will remind me now of that night forever. I imagined Colt having the store make it, what was going through his mind. Maybe, just maybe that song held something for him as well as myself. Tears fell from my eyes. Do we have a chance? I looked over at my phone and saw the light blinking. Crap! I picked it up and I had missed two texts from Colt.

  Colt: SO? DO U LIKE IT?

  Colt: DOES NO RESPONSE MEAN U HATE IT? U R KILLING ME SADIE. TALK TO ME

  Shit! I started typing right away.

  Me: COLT, I LOVE IT. I FORGOT ABOUT U. I'M SORRY. I JUST COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT. ITS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER. THANK YOU

  Colt: NO SADIE U ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER. I'M GLAD U LIKE IT. MERRY CHRISTMAS

  Me: MERRY CHRISTMAS

  I set the phone down on the night stand and crawled under the covers hoping to dream sweet dreams. Best Christmas Eve ever!

  CHAPTER 30

  Colt came back the day after the New Year. I met him over at his place that night. We were just sitting around sharing stories of our holidays. Of course I thanked him in person for the lavish gift he got me before we got to the couch. Maddie got the entire toy store from what he told me she opened. The time away from him really allowed me to think about what little time I had left with him before he graduated and went back to live there permanently. It scared me to death. We only had five months. I came to the conclusion that I would just have to make it the best five months of our lives. Colt was tired from his flight and the fact he shared a bed with Maddie when he was home. Apparently she moves and kicks a lot in her sleep. I surprised myself when I told him I was going to go ahead and leave, but for him to get some rest and to give me a call tomorrow. I missed him so much but there was something else I had to do.

  I needed to get ahold of Tony and I didn’t want to put it off any longer. He was still too busy to meet me. I didn’t believe him any longer. Something was going on. So I kissed Colt goodbye and drove to Tony’s house. He lived on the other side of town in a posh subdivision. Being a lawyer really was hooking him up. Mike had given me the address on New Year’s Eve when everyone was up at ‘51’ celebrating and Tony was nowhere to be found. Mike told me Tony was so overwhelmed with this case that he looks sick. He’s still not eating when he visits his family. I told Mike I would go to him if he wouldn’t come to me.

  I pulled into his driveway and noticed his car was there. When I got out of my car, a chill went all over my body. Since when do I get nervous around Tony? It is Tony were talking about. I walked up the sidewalk and rang the doorbell. It took a while but he finally answered the door. He looked awful. I never thought he could look less than perfect. I was wrong.

  "What are you doing here, Sadie?"

  "Is that a way to greet your favorite girl?"

  "Really Sadie, why are you here?"

  I pushed past him and let myself in.

  "I came to see you. That is what happens when you avoid me. I invade your privacy." He closed the door and followed me to the couch in his family room that obviously was where he had been laying. A pillow and blanket were spread across it. I chose a chair across the room leaving the possibility open for him to lie back down if he needed. And he needed it. As soon as he was close enough, he dropped back down and pulled the cover back over him.

  "Are you sick or something? Remember, I've had food poisoning lately so I'm feeling your pain."

  "It’s something like that."

  "Stress breaks down your immune system you know. Maybe if you chilled out at work a little, you would feel better."

  "Thanks. I will take that into consideration."

  "Can I get you anything? Are you able to eat? I could make you some soup, or a grilled cheese sandwich? These are my favorite foods when I'm sick. Well, if I can keep food down, that is."

  "Sadie, thank you for caring enough to come check on me but really, what I need, is for you to leave."

  "I can't do that. You are all by yourself and you’re sick as a dog. I'm here until you feel better. Like it or not."

  "Sadie, you can't help me. I will be fine. Really, I would walk you out but I don't seem to have the energy. Come here and give me a kiss and then call me in a couple days. I will be a lot better by then, I promise."

  "Tony, what is going on? And don't lie to me! I need you. I always thought if it came down to it, you would need me too."

  He didn't say anything. His eyes filled with tears. And then he whispered, “I’m scared."

  I was up and out of that chair in no time. I sat on the floor at the end of the couch where he laid his head. I brushed his hair back off his forehead and he was HOT.

  "I'm here now. You don't have to be scared. I will make it better."

  "That's just it, Sadie, you can't."

  "What aren’t you telling me?"

  He went quiet again. He took in a huge breath and then blew it out.

  "I have Leukemia."

  What? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

  "How do you know?"

  "I am on my second round of chemo therapy. This one is aggressively attacking it. That's why I feel so bad. Good news is they think this will be it. If it works, I could be in remission."

  "I don't understand. How long have you known? Why doesn't anyone else know? Your family, Tony. Your poor fami
ly. They have been so worried about you."

  "I haven't known for that long. I just started getting bruises easily. It was weird. Then I started getting sores in my mouth. I went to the doctor and they ran blood work. When it came back positive, they immediately started treatment. I didn't want to worry anybody. The doctors say it’s a mild form and in most cases treatable with a high success rate."

  "You have to tell your family, Tony. That's what they're there for. They love you and you need them right now as much as they need you. Keeping them in the dark is what's scaring them the most."

  "You're the first person I've said the actual words to, other than the doctors. Honestly, I just felt like if I didn't admit it, then it wasn't really happening. My work only knows that I've been sick, not why. I've been dealing with this for so long by myself, I really thought I could get through it without having to worry anybody."

  "Well, you're not by yourself anymore. What is your parent’s phone number? I will call them for you and tell them that they need to come over and you need to have a conversation with them. I will even stay with you if you need me or even just want me here. But I'm making this decision for you. You will tell your family tonight. I will leave it up to you as far as your brothers go. Would you like me to call them too?"

  "Sadie, I can't do this to them. It will kill them."

  "You're not doing this to them, Tony, the leukemia is. You're just as much a victim. Don't put this on yourself. This is not your fault."

  He just nodded his head and looked at the ceiling. How can this be happening? I feel like life has been a fucking soap opera lately. How many huge things can happen in one lifetime? I thought back to the birthday party when he wouldn’t take a drink of alcohol. Was he sick then? I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wouldn’t do either. Tony needed me and I will be damned if I make this worse on him.