Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  Mike came over to our couch and sat on the arm rest next to me.

  "She's right, dude. How can you not like Star Wars?"

  "I can’t stand Star Wars."

  I looked over to see who was crazy enough to say something so stupid and got the shock of a lifetime when I found it to be Ash.

  "Stop playing around. That's not even funny." I snapped at him.

  "I'm just joking with you, Sadie. Are you okay?"

  "Yeah, sorry, I thought you were serious." What the hell? I have to be ready to start my period. Why was I being so testy with everyone?

  "You were about to rip my head off over Star Wars, princess. Are you sure you’re alright?"

  "I'm fine!"

  I got up and felt a cramp. Hallelujah! I walked straight to the bathroom to check. Shit! Nothing. Why am I cramping if there is nothing happening? I just wanted to go home. How screwed up is that? I begged him to come here and now I just wanted my bed. I walked back out and ran straight into Ash.

  "What's going on? You’re acting weird."

  "Nothing, really. I'm cramping and thought I might have started."

  "Did you?"

  "No."

  "Sadie, you’re over a week late. I know you said it was probably because we messed up your pills, but don't you think it’s time we take a test, just to make sure?"

  "No, I don't. I'm not pregnant, Ash. I am cramping. I just told you that."

  "Alright, enough. You keep snapping at me. I love you more than life, but right now we are leaving. I am going to drive us to the nearest drug store and we together, will go home and figure this out."

  "Ash, I...."

  "Now, Sadie. No more waiting. I want to know just as much as you don’t. I need to know, Sadie. Do this for me, if that helps you decide."

  "Fine, let’s go."

  I stormed off and told everyone I was feeling sick and needed to leave. I apologized for not being able to stay and thanked them all for being there for us. After hugs and kisses were given and received, Ash and I left.

  As we walked to the car, actually I was more like storming out like a brat, Ash stopped me by taking my arm.

  "Sadie, stop please. This isn't something we should be fighting about. We need to be there for each other. This is scary for me too. It could change our lives forever."

  I knew he was right. I was scared to death and taking it out on him.

  "I'm so sorry, Ash. I'm such a bitch. I'm just so scared."

  I fell into his arms crying. He rubbed my back and said, "It’s you and me. It’s always going to be you and me. We are a team. You’re not alone, no matter what happens, we do this together. I'm scared shitless myself. But it’s going to be okay."

  It was exactly what I needed to hear. I still could not stop crying, but I was able to say, "Let’s go do this before I lose my nerve."

  "Whatever happens, we are going to be okay."

  We ended up buying one of every kind they had. There was no way we were taking any chances. Once we got home, I drank a huge glass of water and then waited until I had to pee. It didn’t take long. We decided that I could not possibly pee on every stick so I went in a cup and we dunked them all. The process sucked. It was pee we were dealing with people! After all of them got their fill, we set them on the counter and waited. I would love to tell you it took a long time, but instantly they started to react. Some had lines, some were circles, but the one that caught my attention first was the one that had words. Ash held my hand as the single word PREGNANT came across the little window. We looked at each other and then dove for the directions of the other ones. We went through each and every one, but the results never changed. I ran out of the bathroom and straight to the bed, where I threw myself on it and started to scream and cry. Ash came in and crawled up behind me, wrapping me in his arms. He let me cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. He just let me get it all out. When my tears wouldn’t come anymore, I still was devastated. Ash said to me softly sniffling himself, "We are going to get through this. It's going to be okay. I hate to hear you so upset over something that is all my fault. It’s breaking my heart."

  I knew he didn’t do any of this on purpose. In fact, it wasn’t his fault at all. I should have known I didn’t take my pill that morning. Why it didn’t hit me until the next morning, I will never know. But I knew now that my life was forever changed. I was going to be a mother to someone and it scared me to death.

  "Ash, I forgot to take my pill. It is my fault, if it's anyone's. We are going to be parents to a baby that doesn’t deserve us to feel regret. We can do this if we are together. We can get through anything as long as we have each other."

  Now if I could only convince myself.

  CHAPTER 50

  I had asked Ash if he thought we should go to the doctor to confirm it before we told people. He said thirteen different tests kind of did that for us already. I had to agree with that. So we came to the decision that we would wait until I was twelve weeks along before we told our parents. That way if something happened before then, we wouldn’t have to share our grief as well. I can tell you things did get better. By eight weeks, we were both actually getting excited. Not that I ever thought Ash’s money would make a difference to me in the slightest, but it definitely helped when considering taking on the expense of a child.

  We asked our parents to come over to the house because we were ready to talk about planning the wedding. It wasn’t a lie by any means. Ash and I talked about it. He felt it was important for us to get married before the baby was born. I felt it was important to get married before I got huge. With both of our points, it made it an easy decision to have the wedding as soon as possible. I was so nervous to tell my mom and dad. What I feared most was disappointment from them. Ash said the same thing. His fear was them labeling it as carelessness. We had both become fairly protective up to this point, so today we knew was going to be rough.

  I cleaned and made my mom’s spaghetti, which Ash now likes over Maria’s. I am just not allowed to tell her that. Ash was pacing the floor in the kitchen only adding to my nerves.

  "Honey, you have to stop. You’re killing me over here."

  "I'm sorry, Sadie. It’s just that when we planned all this, you weren’t showing yet. My mom is going to pick up on your bump as soon as she hugs you hello."

  "I know what you're saying is true, but honey, we don't have a choice in this anymore. We have to tell them today because you're right, I'm growing so fast. We can't really hide this much longer."

  I grabbed my baby bump and rubbed it. Something I find myself doing more and more often. Ash walked up to me and placed his hands over mine. Something else, that has been happening often.

  “All I know is that I'm not prepared for any poor judgment. We made the choice to get married before we ever knew about this baby. I will not let them make us feel like we're rushing into anything because of it. I love you more now than ever. All of this is a blessing and I just want it to be seen that way."

  "I couldn’t agree with you more."

  The front door opened and the sound rang through the house.

  "Hello? Is anybody here?"

  My mother walked two feet in the door before she was screaming to find us. I walked around and went to the foyer to greet her and my dad.

  "Yes, Mom, we’re here. How are you?"

  When I reached them, hugs and kisses were given out.

  "It’s good to see you both are finally making plans for this wedding. It’s been weeks. All my girlfriends keep asking me, and I have to say that I don't know why they're waiting. Do you know how happy I am going to be, to be able to tell them a date?

  "Mom, not everyone sets a date as soon as they get engaged. Sometimes people just want to enjoy being together before the stress of planning takes hold."

  "Glad you could make it, Linda. It’s great to see you again." Ash kissed her cheek and then said, "Where’s Bill?"

  "Oh, I don't know. Probably still in the car listening to that awful talk radio."
>
  "Well then, can I get you something to drink while we wait?"

  "Thank you, Ash. I’ll just have whatever Sadie is having."

  Ash shot me a bug eyed look. I gave one right back. I had no idea what to do. We didn't plan on a fake drink for me. I hate this! I hated lying to anyone more or less our family.

  "Mom, I was just drinking green tea. Would you like something else?"

  "Yes, I would. Anything else would be better than that crap."

  "Linda, what about a glass of wine?"

  "Perfect. Thank you, Ash."

  "She doesn't need any wine. She needs vodka or something that's going to calm her down. The whole ride over I had to hear about the wedding plans that haven't even started to happen yet. I'm going crazy already."

  Obviously you caught on that my dad came in the house, finally.

  "Dad, be nice. She's just excited. As long as she understands that whatever choices are made, they are mine and Ash’s to make, then we will all be fine, right, Mom?"

  "Yes, dear. It’s your day."

  I followed Ash into the kitchen and said, "Since when do my parents get here before yours? I was hoping for yours to distract mine. "

  "I'm ecstatic for the same reason. It just worked in my favor this time. So am I really supposed to give her vodka?"

  "Might as well. My dad is driving her home."

  Then I heard Maria's voice and saw Ash's back go straight as a board.

  "Seriously? Did you not ever get in trouble as a child? You’re acting like you have never upset your parents."

  "I haven't really. A bad grade here and there or maybe a girl hanging out at the house too much. But never anything like this."

  "You’re a grown man, not a child. That is what we are going to raise. Now snap out of it."

  Maria and Michael walked into the kitchen just as I said that. If they heard, they gave no indication.

  "Hello, my children, I am so excited for today. Planning can begin. Where do you want us to sit so we can get started?"

  "Hello to you both too, I think the dining room table could be perfect."

  "Good. Then I will go set up. Michael, are you coming?"

  "In a second, Maria, I need to grab a drink." He waited for Maria to leave before he said. "Why are we really here? Ash, you’re my son. I know you well. You don't give two shits about flowers and colors for this wedding. And you made Bill and I come also. You know full well that is like a punishment to men in general. What’s going on?"

  My eyes fell out of their sockets on that one. Poor Ash, if I could help I had to.

  "Michael, I asked him to. I thought everyone should be a part of the planning."

  "Thank you for the invite, Sadie. It’s always good to see you. I meant no disrespect."

  Ash’s dad left the kitchen and it seemed like only then, did Ash take a breath.

  "So how do you want to do this? Will it be wedding then baby, or baby then wedding?"

  "It seems it has got to be baby before, but I hate the idea of them not caring about the wedding after that."

  "We will just have to wait and find out."

  We walked into the dining room carrying the spaghetti and bread. There is always hope when food is added, that no one will get up and leave. Everyone made their plates and said grace. Surprisingly, everyone was enjoying themselves. Maria even commented on the sauce my mom taught me how to make. She said it was delicious, that was a shock. Ash looked at me and I knew that the time had come. My voice was lost to me. I looked over to him in panic. He just smiled and I knew he was going to drop the ball instead of me.

  "Everyone, we would like to discuss how things are going to work over the next few months. Sadie and I have decided that we would like a small wedding, containing it to only close friends and family. As far as the date goes, within the next month or at the farthest, two would be ideal."

  My mother did not look happy and Maria just looked confused. The men didn’t seem to care. My mom was the first to ask questions.

  "Why, Sadie? You have always wanted a fairy tale wedding. Always. Why are you sacrificing your dreams now, when all of the rest of them seem to be coming true?"

  "Ash, you are not pushing her to do this your way, are you? Son, a girl’s wedding is one of the most important days of her life. Sadie deserves whatever she wants."

  I felt awful. I could not let Ash take the fall for all of this. It was my choice also. "Mom, Maria, please listen to me. My dreams changed. They all came true when Ash asked me to marry him. How lavish the wedding is doesn't represent how much we love each other. We don't need an elaborate event to do what we want to do. And all that is, is to say our vows before God and the people we cherish most."

  "Well said, Sadie girl."

  "I completely agree, Bill."

  Well, it seemed that we had the fathers on our side for the time being.

  "But honey, how do we plan something so fast and around Christmas no doubt?"

  "Mom, it shouldn't be hard. If everyone comes together for the holidays anyway, why couldn't we squeeze in a wedding?"

  "Alright, that's it! Squeeze in a wedding? What is going on?"

  My mother had lost her patience. We were screwed.

  "Now Linda, please calm down. Sadie and I are trying our best here. Please don't yell at her. We just feel it would be nice to....."

  "I'm pregnant!"

  I couldn't hold it in any longer. Ash was trying so hard to diffuse a situation that had not even come to blow yet. The whole table gasped for air. I looked at Ash and he took my hand and mouthed, "Together."

  Everyone started screaming at once. We stayed locked with our eyes, zoning the room out. If we could just let them calm down, it could be handled. All of a sudden, we were ripped away from each other when my mom grabbed me and surprisingly, Michael grabbed Ash.

  My mom squeezed me so tight screaming, "We're going to have a baby!"

  I heard over my shoulder Michael telling Ash congratulations. When all of this sunk in, I was able to pay better attention to the mood of the room. Everyone was ecstatic. Maria grabbed me next, but instead of squeezing me, she placed her hands on my bump. She looked me in the eye and tears began to fall down her face.

  "I am so proud. My first grandchild is going to be born to the most amazing woman. Congratulations, my beautiful. You both will make exceptional parents."

  I was balling. Never in my wildest of dreams did I think we would get this kind of response. I needed my dad. Maria moved over to hug Ash as I walked across the room to find my dad. He wasn’t in the dining room any longer. I walked into the foyer and saw him out of the corner of my eye, on the front porch. I opened the door and he glanced back over his shoulder. When I saw his face, my heart broke. I closed the door behind me and went to stand by my father.

  "Dad, it’s going to be okay."

  "Oh I know it is, Sadie girl. Everything couldn't be more perfect."

  That shocked me to my core.

  "Then what is wrong, Dad? Are you disappointed?"

  He turned to look at me and for the first time made eye contact.

  "Never. Never could I be disappointed in you. You have it all. Everything a father could hope for their child. That man in there would lay down and die for you. I couldn't ask for a better man to take care of my little girl. And then, to think that you are going to be a mother, I just didn't think my heart could feel this full. I'm not disappointed, Sadie. I'm fulfilled. I couldn’t be happier than I am at this very moment."

  I was a soppy, balling, hyperventilating mess.

  "Then why are you out here away from everyone else?"

  "Because a grown man doesn't cry in front of people. Now, let’s get you back inside so we can plan this wedding."

  "Okay, Dad. Let’s get this done."

  He took my hand and led me back to the chaos. As soon as I saw Ash, my heart unfolded. He was standing tall and proud. All of the stress over how this was going to go, was over. He walked over to me and picked me up to kiss me. When h
e put me down, he turned and said, "Now, who's ready to plan the best wedding in a short amount of time?"

  Both mothers went crazy. Ideas were being thrown back and forth. Between the two of them, I would need to do nothing. The dads went to watch TV. Ash and I just sat back and smiled. Everything was going to be okay after all.

  CHAPTER 51

  When I woke up my first thought was "Did I seriously get even bigger over night?" I reached over to ask Ash, but he wasn’t there. That was because Maria insisted that he stay away for one night. The night before our wedding. I sat straight up in bed. "I'm getting married today!"

  I got out of bed and brushed my teeth. I took a shower last night before bed so my hair would be ready for today. I put on my button down shirt and some jeans and was out the door.

  Maria, Kate, Heather and my mom were meeting me up at my work for hair and makeup. When I walked in, they all started to scream.

  "Aren’t you so excited?"

  Heather seemed more excited than me, and it was my wedding day. Too damn funny.

  Kate walked over and grabbed my belly. She put her face down to it and said, "Let your momma shine today, okay, squirt?"

  "I have never heard anyone, other than Ash, say that phrase. Did you guys learn it as children?"

  "What phrase?"

  "Time to shine."

  "I have no idea what you’re talking about, Sadie. I just said what came to me in the moment. I just want you to have the most amazing day ever."

  That was spooky weird. It was incredible at the same time. That phrase has become my anthem.

  "Thank you, Kate. I love you, girl. It’s crazy that I am officially going to have a sister in a couple of hours."

  "Even crazier is that you are going to have my little brother as your husband."

  "That's not crazy. That's magical."

  Only my mother can jump in and say something like that.

  After our hair and makeup was done, we all headed to the church. My dress was waiting for me there. We went into the back room and I got undressed and ready to put it on. The last time I wore it was my final fitting. That was two weeks ago and I had my fingers crossed it would still fit. I stepped into the dress as my mother pulled it up from the floor. Soon it was at my waist, and I took over to pull it up all the way. Maria had the idea for it to be lace up versus a zipper or buttons. As the two women tugged and pulled, I tried to remain calm. When they announced that they were finished, I put my arms down and turned to the mirror. Everyone in the room took in a breath, including me. Both mothers were wiping tears. Kate and Heather were saying how breathtaking I was. I looked at my reflection and saw beauty. I felt beautiful, truly beautiful, completely beautiful. Gone were the days of self sabotage. I had finally come to a place of solace for myself and it felt wonderful. My hair was down and curled loosely. The sides were pulled back just enough to anchor the tiara. My veil came out from under the tiara and cascaded down my back over my hair. The dress, oh the dress, it was a strapless bodice covered in lace and pearls with accents of crystals scattered throughout. It hugged me until it was past my hips where it then fell in layers upon layers of fabric. All covered in the same material as the bodice. I looked like a bride. I was ready to marry my prince.