Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "So how have you been?"

  "As you can see, I have been busy,” I said as I rubbed my belly. “How are you?"

  "I've been better. Well, that’s not completely true. I have been doing good. I've been dating a girl for a while. She’s nice."

  "That's great. You deserve to be happy, Colt."

  "I know. And I am trying. Work is great. The kids are fantastic to work with. I never knew that it could be this fun to work and teach. I'm getting paid to do what I love. That isn't something everyone gets to say."

  "No, it sure isn't. I quit my job, so I'm a little jealous."

  "Why would you quit? That's crazy. You loved doing hair?"

  "Well, as you can see, I'm about to be the mother of twins, one boy and one girl. Life has changed a lot of things. I love my babies more than my job."

  "That makes sense.” He paused to look me over. “You are stunning, you know? I couldn't help but stare at you all day. There once was a time that I thought it would be us taking those vows and us making those babies. I didn't think it would hurt so bad, seeing you get those things from someone else. You are that girl for me."

  "Colt, no, I'm not. Whoever is, will love you so much more than I ever could have. Maybe things could have been different, but how could we ever be sure it would have worked out for us? If you question it one way, you need to think about the other. At least we still can be friends. If we would have broken up, it could have led to bitterness. This way, there is none."

  "I still love you, Sadie. How do I let that go?"

  "You don't have to. I still love you. You were there through a very pivotal point in my life. I was there for you through one of yours. What we had was real, whether other people understand it or not. But it is over. Our lives have moved forward. We need to move with it. I can't live in the past or with doubt. I don't want to."

  "I'm still there. Like I said, I'm working on it. I just can’t make it go away overnight.” He looked down at the ground and then back up to make eye contact with me, “The girl I am dating really is pretty cool."

  "That's awesome. What is her name?"

  "Sabrina."

  "Colt, I want you to open your eyes with this girl. See everything she has to offer you. Don't compare her to past relationships. Let her, be her. And promise me you won't think for her and tell her it’s what's best for her. Let her make her own choices. Learn from us and don’t repeat it. You will be just fine. She’s lucky to have you."

  "Thank you for always being you. You still mean the world to me, beautiful."

  "You will always mean a lot to me too. Now, I need to get back inside. I am part of this wedding, you know. Come on."

  "No, thank you. I think I'm just gonna get out of here. I got to see everybody I wanted to see. I actually have a girl back home that I might have a chance at spending some time with tonight, if I hurry."

  I smiled at him and said, "Then what are you waiting for? Get going."

  "Take care, Sadie.”

  "You too, Colt."

  He walked to his car and I turned and walked back inside. I thought to myself, ‘That was easier than I thought. He's going to be okay and so am I.’

  I found Ash in his chair and pulled him up and out on to the dance floor. He looked worried for all of two seconds until he saw my face. I was happier than I have felt in a long time. I kissed him hard, and then pulled back to end it softly.

  "You are all I will ever want, Asher Williams. Now, will you dance with your ginormous wife?"

  "It would be my pleasure."

  Everybody else was already out there, dancing their drunken asses off. Ash was feeling pretty good himself and started cutting his Chris Brown moves. I couldn’t do a quarter of what I used to be able to do, but I still tried my best.

  Heather and Jason were going to Tahiti on their honeymoon and leaving in the morning. Everyone was saying their goodbyes and leaving. Not our friends. They closed the place down, as usual, with Ash and me right there in the mix. It felt like old times, and I was in heaven. When last call was announced and the DJ turned off the music, we had no choice but to call it a night. I was exhausted by that time. The babies never moved much for people to feel them, but I just explained that I probably was rocking them to sleep all night from dancing.

  Everyone was leaving early in the morning, except for us locals. Mike, Tony, Kate, Marissa, Ash and I decided to go to Denny's for breakfast after everyone said their goodbyes. They all wished Ash and I luck with the delivery and I promised to post pictures on Facebook for them to see. I kissed Heather and told her she made the most beautiful bride I had ever laid my eyes on. Ash and I wished them a good time on their honeymoon and then we all separated.

  Denny's tasted so good. The grease settled in just fine for me. All the other's said it was disgusting. Ash couldn’t believe I ate everything on my plate and then his bacon too. Marissa stayed kind of quiet, compared to her normal outgoing self. I watched her and the whole time she was focused on Mike. He never gave her a second look. With him being who he is, it explained a lot about her crush. It also explained why he would view her as just another eighteen year old girl. Once again, Tony and Kate were talking away. I thought I picked up some flirting from Tony which completely shocked me. It was the same stuff he used to throw at me back in the day. Ash started to yawn and said he was ready for bed. Here I am, two months from giving birth and my husband is ready for bed before me. What is this world coming to?

  I drove us home and this time it was Ash who was asleep when we got there. It was physically impossible for me to carry him, so I just shook him constantly. When he refused to move, I laid on the horn. I was sure my neighbors didn’t like me at that moment, but tough shit. How else was I going to get him out of the car? He wouldn’t budge. So, I left him. Yep, I left him in the car. I sure as hell was not staying in there with him. I went upstairs and got ready for bed. I tried to fall asleep, but knowing he was out there kept me from being able to. I walked back downstairs and grabbed a pitcher. I filled it with ice water and walked back out to the car. After I tried again and he wouldn’t wake up, I poured the pitcher over his head. He jumped up screaming. I couldn’t help but laugh. And I didn’t laugh a little, I laughed until I literally peed my pants. Then I wasn’t laughing anymore. Now Ash was laughing at me.

  "This isn't funny, Ash."

  "It absolutely is, princess. You are beginning to have a serious problem with that."

  "The babies are right on my bladder. That's not my fault."

  "Your right, I'm sorry. Let’s get you inside and clean you up."

  Needless to say I had to shower, but Ash was in there, washing my hair and body for me. Sure enough, the babies picked that time to wake up. It looked like aliens were trying to escape out of my belly. Ash and I laid in bed, watching the babies play until we all fell asleep.

  CHAPTER 54

  Ash rolled over and tapped me on the nose. I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye.

  "Good morning, princess."

  "Good morning to you, too."

  I said it with an obvious smirk on my face, leading Ash to ask, "What are you up to?"

  "It’s a surprise."

  This time he rolled over and attempted to get on top of me. Ha, fat chance!

  "This isn't as easy as it used to be."

  "No shit, babe. I have two weeks left and believe me, it’s no cake walk."

  "I know and I feel so bad for you. You have to be miserable. But Sadie, you have done all of this with a smile on your face and I have never been so proud of you. They have to come soon. The doctors said thirty six weeks. We are at thirty eight."

  "You don't have to tell me all this, Ash. I feel it every day that ends with no delivery. As far as smiling, I am bringing two people into the world. It's a miracle that a body can even do this. Of course I’m grateful. It doesn't mean that I am enjoying it anymore. I want to be done."

  "I know. Dr. Weiss told you it would get really hard. Do you want me to make up some breakfast? I
could make bacon and eggs?"

  I grazed his face with the back of my hand. I loved this man. He graduates in four hours and all he was worried about is me.

  "I will get up and make breakfast. What would you like to have ‘Mr. I am an official fire fighter’ today?"

  His face lit up. He had every right to feel happy and proud. He was graduating top of his class.

  "It is pretty cool to hear that."

  "I bet it is. I'm so proud of you. All of your hard work paid off."

  "Yes, it did. So, what's my surprise?"

  "The whole point of a surprise is to be surprised. You’re getting nothing out of me. Now you have to get off me, so I can go pee."

  "I’m off."

  He hopped off me and helped me out of bed. I went straight to the bathroom, did the deed and jumped in the shower to get ready. When I felt as pretty as I could, under the circumstances, I went downstairs and found Ash setting the table with the breakfast he offered. Best man ever!

  "You define radiant. Do you know that?"

  "Thank you, honey, I know your full of shit, but you get an A for effort. On the other hand, didn't I tell you I would do this?"

  "And I have told you time and time again, I like taking care of you. Let me."

  There was no point to this argument. He would never give on this one. So I sat down and let him serve me. Who would have ever thought I would be here, having all that I have? Not me.

  After we ate, Ash had to get ready to leave. He was supposed to be there two hours early for rehearsal. I couldn’t have been more grateful for that fact. The planner and I had been in the works for weeks, preparing for his graduation party and the day was finally here. I kissed him goodbye and told him and I would be there front row and center.

  About twenty minutes later, the planner showed up. We went over all the details again. I showed her where I wanted everything set up and what time I wanted it ready by. Stuff she already knew, but I was nervous planning something so big and wanting it to be just perfect.

  I left with thirty minutes to spare and went to watch my husband graduate. I knew I was going to be the proudest wife there was.

  When I got to the event, I found Ash's family standing outside. Maria took one look at me and said, "Oh my, you poor dear. Let’s go find you a seat. You look miserable."

  What a nice thing to say. ‘How do you think a person thirty eight weeks into a pregnancy carrying twins should look?’ is what I wanted to respond with.

  "That would be great." Is what came out of my mouth instead.

  As we walked inside I asked, "Have you seen my mom and dad yet?"

  "Not yet, but I’ll go wait outside for them." Ash's dad offered.

  "Thank you, Michael."

  "I think you look adorable, Sadie, that dress is so chic'. I would wear it if it came in non- maternity. And don't listen to my mother, you look beautiful."

  "Kate, I love you so much. That was very sweet to say. I really like this dress too."

  "It’s the truth. I hope I get lucky enough to look that good whenever I have a baby."

  "You have got to find a man first. Got one in mind?"

  "Maybe."

  I spun in my chair, "Who?"

  "Nobody you know."

  "Really, because you and Tony were looking mighty chummy at the reception?"

  Her face was priceless. She looked shocked I called her out and at the fact that I caught on. What caught me off guard, was her response.

  "He is a great guy, but not really my type.”

  "Girl, your type isn't always the best. I mean no offense by that. They start out good. I can see why you would date them, but then they all seem to turn into assholes."

  "True statement, but this one seems different. He isn't anything like what I would normally go for."

  "Well then, I wish you luck. I don't get a name or anything?"

  "Let’s just see how it goes. If all is good, I will. I promise."

  "I'm going to hold you to that one."

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my father in law walking back in with my mom and dad following him. My mom's face lit up when she saw me, as it always does lately.

  "I don't think there could be a prettier pregnant person on the planet. Sadie girl, you take my breath away."

  "I agree with your mother. It looks really good on you. Too bad it can only last such a short time." My dad was crazy if he thought this was a short time. I had been pregnant forever. I loved my parents so much. How I ever fell into such a dysfunctional relationship in high school, with role models like I have, is beyond me.

  "Thank you guys so much. But I'm ready for this joy ride to come to an end."

  Maria leaned forward to join the conversation and asked, "Do you have any names decided yet?"

  Everyone looked at me for the answer. It was too bad that I didn’t have the one they wanted.

  "We can't agree. I know we have to soon. It’s just so hard."

  "You both will figure it out. I have faith."

  "I hope so. Time isn't standing still for us or these babies."

  The place started to get pretty full and I knew it was going to start soon. I was sitting front and center just as I had promised. The mayor came out to speak first, congratulating all the students on their exemplary behavior. After his speech, he introduced the head of the academy.

  He also spoke highly of the group saying, "They constituted great stamina and would all be exceptional men to have on your team. When rushing into a burning building, you couldn't ask for a better set of men to have by your side."

  All of the students marched out to the center of the stage. Ash was next to the podium when it came time to sit down in the chairs. They announced each individual by name. When it was Ash's turn, we all screamed and hollered. When the special awards were being given out, I was waiting for his. It took forever but the time finally came. When they announced "Best over All" to be Asher Williams, we all went crazy! I screamed the loudest and his smile was worth everything to me. Throughout the program, Ash could not have wiped the smile off his face if he tried. He had finally reached his goal and I was so proud to witness it with my own eyes.

  When the ceremony seemed to be coming to an end, they announced one last award was to be handed out. "Class Leader" was presented and Ash's name was announced once again. I have never been more proud and honored to have that man be mine. I stood to cheer him on and scream louder than I ever have before, when I felt something wet between my legs and then a very sharp pain. I bent over and let out a scream alright, but it was not one of cheer. It was from pure pain, worse than I have ever felt. Everyone else was focused on Ash accepting the award, and the noise was so deafening that I went unnoticed.

  I could no longer stand up. The pain was not what I thought labor pain would feel like. I had suffered from Braxton Hicks for a while now. This was wrong and I knew it. I screamed Ash’s name in panic as I went to my knees. With the roar of the crowd still going, I have no idea how he heard me, but his eyes immediately found mine as I went down. He dove from the stage rushing to grab me. With that action, all the attention came to rest on me. Pain shot through me again. This time I let out a blood curdling scream. My whole family was standing around me in shock and panic. Michael was calling 911 from his cell phone. Ash held me tight and attempted to pick me up. It was then when he let out his own scream.

  "SOMEBODY HELP MY WIFE. SOMEBODY!"

  Everyone was jumping down from the stage. EMT training goes hand in hand with being a fire fighter. Ash had it all, but with it being me, he seemed to be going blank. He was speaking to his superior when I saw his hand. It was covered in blood. I flipped out. "My babies! Oh my God, please somebody, help my babies!"

  My mom was next to me rocking back and forth saying over and over, "It's going to be okay. They are going to make everything okay. Sadie girl, listen to me. It’s going to be okay."

  Maria was trying to comfort Ash, while Michael was still on the phone. Kate was by Maria's side and my
dad was next to my mom holding on to her shoulders trying to support her. Another wave of pain hit me. This time I felt like the babies were being ripped out of me. I can't describe to you the sound that came out of my body. It was ear piercingly loud. Ash screamed again for help to get there. Tears were falling from his eyes. He was so scared. So was I. I was losing the babies, I just knew it.

  The ambulance showed up and the EMT's were at my side. I apparently was still losing a lot of blood. They put me on a stretcher and carried me outside and into the ambulance. Ash never let go of my hand. He climbed in with me and the doors closed. Wave after wave hit me. The EMT said they were contractions. There was no way that what I was feeling was just a contraction. The two EMT's were trying to explain everything to me, but I could not focus on anything other than the pain and fear.

  The doors opened and I was being pulled out and rolled into the hospital. Dr. Weiss was called and on his way. They brought me to the labor and delivery operating room. Ash was told he had to leave me and neither of us took that well. He was screaming and I was crying. The nurse that met us at the elevator kept saying it was because of sterile reasons during surgery. A house doctor ordered an epidural. I didn’t understand what was happening. All I cared about was my babies and no one was talking about them. Looking around the room, there seemed to be ten to fifteen people all rushing around me. By this time, I had lost any calm I had. I started to scream again. They all kept working and not one of them was acknowledging the sound I was making or me for that matter. I heard a familiar voice and stopped screaming when Dr. Weiss came to my side.

  "Sadie, you need to calm down. I understand your pain and panic, but we need you calm to continue. What needs to happen at this point, is to control the bleeding. You’re losing too much blood. Your placenta has detached, which is known as a placental abruption. I am going to correct that now. A transfusion is on hand and ready if needed. Now please, let us do our jobs."

  "I need my husband. Please."

  He looked down at me and said, "Our main concern is you right now. If I can control the situation we will see what we can do."