A Family for the Rugged Rancher

by Donna Alward

She hadn’t meant to fall for him, and no one could be more surprised, but she’d spent enough time lying to herself in the past few years that she knew she had to be brutally honest. The timing was horrible—her whole situation was in flux and she was coming out of a devastating divorce. But she loved him. She would not be leaving the ranch with her heart intact. There was nothing she could do about it. It was too late.

  Now she had two choices. She could back away, protect herself. Leave, if it came to that. Or she could take what precious time she had to help him through this.

  There really was no contest. She was tired of running away from her failures and away from memories. This time she would stand.

  “You always were a sucker for punishment,” she murmured to herself. She let out her breath and stepped back around the corner.

  Luke held his father’s hand in his. It felt small now, and he thought of being a child and putting his hand within his father’s wide palm, innocent and trusting. He’d worshipped his father, wanted to do everything just like him. He’d followed him through the barns and fields, learned to ride, learned to herd cattle and work the land. As he’d grown, they’d had their differences. New things had become important.

  Luke had felt the need to stretch his legs, explore new places and people as he’d become a young man. They’d argued. There’d been resentment on both sides, but none of it mattered now. The tables were perfectly turned. Luke was the parent. His father was the one with the small hand, the one relying on Luke to be strong and do the right thing for everyone.

  Only there was nothing he could do. There never had been, and knowing he was helpless was almost more than he could bear. Luke pressed the frail hand to his lips and felt the tears sting behind his eyes. He let them come, sitting in the semi-darkness, away from the forlorn gazes of his sisters and the sympathetic pats from the nurses. He let grief and exhaustion have its way for once. There was no one to see. No one to witness the coming apart that had been building since that horrible night when the fire department had come and he couldn’t ignore the signs any longer. No one should have to go through this…this awful watching and waiting. He would never put anyone through such an ordeal. Never.

  He’d made the promise long ago, but it had come with a price. Tonight he paid that price as he sat alone, wondering why the hell it had all gone wrong and wishing, with a sinking sense of guilt, that he could turn back the clock and do things differently.

  He squeezed the hand and there was no squeeze back. Luke laid his head on the edge of the bed and wept.

  The fingers on his shoulder were firm and strong and he knew in an instant it was Emily. Damn her for coming and seeing him like this. He swallowed against the giant lump in his throat, choking on the futility and pain as he struggled to regain control. He swiped his hand over his face, wiping away the moisture he’d allowed himself to indulge in. But she’d seen him this way. Broken. He hated that she could see his weakness, but it came as a relief, too. It felt good to stop pretending. He didn’t have to be strong for her the way he’d always had to be for Cait and Liz. With Emily he could just be Luke.

  Emily stood behind him and looped her arms around his neck, pressing her lips to the top of his head in a gentle kiss. They stayed that way for a few minutes until he regained his composure, and then he reached for her hand, tugging her to his side and pulling an empty chair over alongside his.

  “You came.” His voice came out rough, and he cleared this throat quietly.

  “Of course I did.”

  “I couldn’t bring myself to leave him here alone. Not yet.”

  Emily held his hand in hers and her thumb moved over the top of his hand, warm and reassuring. “It’s okay, Luke. It’s all okay.”

  “I’ve never lost it like that before.”

  “Then it’s about time. Would you rather be alone?”

  She felt as if she was holding her breath as she waited for him to answer. He could send her away right now and that would be the end of it. It would break this damnable connection that seemed to run between them. It would solve his problems where she was concerned. He was going to have to send her away some time—they had no future together. Now was probably a good time. Before things went any further.

  But he gripped her fingers, needing her. Wanting her to stay with him. “No. Stay, please.”

  She squeezed his fingers back, saying nothing. She just sat with him. Beside him, somehow knowing exactly what he needed. Just as she’d done all day. She’d come with him to the nursing home and she’d stepped in to help instinctively, making it easier on all of them. Helping him by helping his family. Emily was weaving herself into his life without even trying. God, even now he couldn’t imagine going back to the empty house without her. He’d told himself that anything more was simple physical attraction. But he’d been wrong. He was falling for her. He cared about her. And he needed her. Perhaps that was the most disturbing of all. He didn’t want to need anyone.

  He knew in his heart he shouldn’t be letting her get this close, but tonight he didn’t have the strength to push her away. He looked down at his father’s still features and felt his insides quiver.

  Tonight he realized that people did not have to die for you to grieve for them.

  Emily had no words to make things better, so she simply sat and held his hand. After nearly an hour, and when the shadows grew long, he finally sighed and lifted his head. “I think it’s time to go.” He looked around suddenly. “I never even thought—Emily, where is Sam?”

  Emily smiled. It was the second time today he’d asked about her son—what a change from his attitude when she’d first arrived. “It’s okay. He’s staying at Liz’s for the night. He was very pleased to be having a sleepover. When I left them, the kids were watching a Disney movie and eating popcorn.”

  “You left him with my sister?”

  “Shouldn’t I have?” She wondered why Luke was frowning at her.

  “It’s just…you don’t let him out of your sight. You’re the mama bear.”

  He was right. She was protective of Sam. “You were the one who said I had to stop holding on so tight. And tonight you needed me more.”

  His gaze clung to hers as the softly spoken words hovered in the room. She knew he would never admit needing her, but it was true. Sam was fine. Emily knew Luke had been right all along. She’d focused solely on Sam because he was all she had. That wasn’t true any longer, but would Luke let her in?

  “He’s such a good boy, Emily.”

  She picked up her purse, her throat thickening as she recalled hearing Sam’s laughter mingled with Luke’s as he’d ridden around the corral. “I know.”

  “And you’re a good parent. You always put him first.”

  Emily looked up at him as they shut off the light. She wasn’t sure he was so right about that part. Lately she’d been putting herself and her own wants ahead of those of her son. She’d bought into Luke’s logic that Sam was already going to miss the farm so why not let him enjoy it? But it was really her. She didn’t want to leave yet. And as much as she wanted to be there for Luke tonight, that fact niggled at her.

  “So are you, Luke. You looked after your sisters. You still do. It was so clear when you saw them today. They lean on you. You are their guidepost.”

  He shut the door quietly behind them and held her hand as they walked down the hall. “Not many understand that. But you do.”

  “I hope the girls realize it, too,” Emily remarked. “I think they are so used to you being their rock that they forget you’re human, too.”

  He stopped, staring at her with surprise. “What are you saying, Emily?”

  She lifted her chin and looked right in his eyes, still red-rimmed from his visit with his father. “I mean they are so used to you looking out for them that they might forget you need support, too. It goes both ways.”

  “They were younger than me. They didn’t see things the same way I did.”

  Emily nodded. “Undoubtedly. Is that why yo
u’ve never married? You were too busy bringing up your sisters? Too busy living up to your responsibilities to have a relationship?” She squeezed his fingers. “How much have you really sacrificed, Luke?”

  His jaw tightened. “I suppose I’ve never met the right one.” He tried to brush off her questions, but the tense tone of his voice made the attempt fall flat. What wasn’t he saying?

  She might take offense if the situation were different, but they both knew she was not a girlfriend. She wasn’t sure what she was to him anymore. Not yet a lover, not just an employee, more than a friend.

  They exited into the warm night, into fresh air and the scent of the roses that flanked the walkway. “It’s more than that, isn’t it?”

  He let go of her hand. “What do you mean?”

  Emily paused, letting Luke carry on for a few steps until he turned as if he was wondering why she wasn’t keeping up with him anymore.

  “I mean, you keep people at arm’s length. Oh, now and again something comes through—like seeing you with your sisters, or when you held Sam during the storm, or tonight, with your father. But the rest of the time…” She paused, searching for the right words. “You’re a fortress. And you’re the gatekeeper, too. You decide who is allowed in, and you only show bits of yourself when you want.”

  He stared at her as if she’d slapped him.

  “You don’t know anything about it.”

  “Because you haven’t told me.”

  He scoffed, turning away. “Like you’ve told me everything?”

  What more was there to tell? She shrugged her shoulders. “I told you that Rob left us. I told you why and what’s happened since. What more do you want? Because if I tell you that his leaving destroyed my confidence, made me question every single thing about myself, whether I was a good wife or mother, what are you going to do, Luke?” His face paled and he took a step backwards. She kept her voice calm, rational. “That’s it exactly. You’re going to close yourself off and run away. Because you don’t let anyone get close. Even when they really, really want to be.”

  She wanted to reach him desperately. He was right, she hadn’t told him everything, but she also hadn’t felt she needed to. He seemed to understand anyway, and now she’d gotten defensive and attacked him on a night when he was already dealing with so much. “Please,” she whispered, and heard her voice catch. “I don’t want to argue. I want to help. Please let me in.”

  “I can’t,” he murmured, turning away.

  “Is it really that bad?”

  “Please, Emily.” He begged her now. “Can we not do this right now?” His voice cracked on the last word. “That small, frail man in there is the last parental connection I have. He doesn’t even recognize me. Do you know what I could give for one more moment of clarity, one more real conversation? To have him look at me and say my name? His organs are shutting down. My father is going to die. Maybe not tonight. Or tomorrow, or next week. But soon.”

  He put his hand on the car-door handle and sent her a look so full of pain that it hit her like a slap. He opened the door and shot out a parting stab: “What does it say about me that I’m relieved?”

  Emily had broken through. Luke had opened up. But now she only felt despair, knowing she’d only ended up causing him more pain.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  THE CAR RIDE home was interminable. Luke kept his hands on the wheel and his mouth shut. What had possessed him to say such a thing in the first place? As they turned on to the service road leading to the ranch, he sighed and thought back over the years to all the visits. All the times that his father had been lucid; Luke and the girls had been hungry for those moments when they had their father again.

  Then the more frequent times when his father had been forgetful, repeating himself, focused on one tiny detail about something that happened before Luke had ever been born. Or the times Dad got so frustrated that he lashed out, mostly with hurtful words but sometimes with hands. When that happened, Luke knew that his father would never be the same. He was an angry, hostile stranger. Yet, each time Luke visited there was a tiny bit of hope that it would be a good day. The death of those hopes took their toll on a man. All the things he’d said to Em he’d never breathed to another soul. It was her. She got to him with her gentle ways and yes, even with her strength. She had no idea how strong she was.

  And she had no idea how much he loved her for it. Nor would she, ever.

  Luke parked the car and got out. He got as far as the steps and stopped. He couldn’t go in there. Not tonight.

  “Are you hungry? Did you even eat since breakfast?” Emily’s voice was quiet at his shoulder but he shook his head. He wasn’t hungry. He was just…numb. He wanted to grab on to her and hold on and knew he couldn’t. Not just for him, but for her. The way she turned those liquid eyes up at him damn near tore him apart. She’d kissed him back, making him want things he had decided he could never have. She made herself invaluable in a thousand different ways and each one scored his heart.

  He shook his head but still couldn’t make himself climb the steps.

  “Luke?” The quaver in her voice registered and he turned to look at her. Her big eyes were luminous with tears…for him? The weight of carrying everyone’s emotions suddenly got heavier.

  “You’re scaring me,” she whispered.

  He had to snap out of it.

  “I’m sorry, Em. I just…can’t go inside. I don’t know why.” But he did know. The memories were there. And the fears lived there, too. They lived in the clues he left himself as an early-warning system, in the shadowed corners where he told himself he could never let anyone get too close.

  It had worked up until now. Until Emily.

  “Then let’s walk. It’s a beautiful night and I don’t need to stay close to the house for Sam. Let’s just walk a while, okay?”

  Relieved, he nodded. Walking was good. He pointed north, knowing exactly where he needed to be. Emily took his hand and he let her hold it. The link made him feel stronger. Grounded him in a world spinning out of control.

  The evening was as mellow as he’d ever seen it this early in July. The wide-open sky swirled together in shades of pink, peach and lilac as the sun began to dip over the prairie. Even the green leaves on the shrubs and poplar trees seemed less brash in the evening light. The air was perfumed with fresh grass and timothy and the faintest hint of clover. Why had he ever considered leaving, as though this place wasn’t enough? The ranch was in his blood. Something tightened inside him. So many things were in his blood and that was the whole problem.

  He led Emily over the fields to the top of a knoll. He stopped and took a deep breath. From here they could see for miles. Evans’s land went on for a huge portion of the view. This was his. His responsibility. His heritage. His privilege.

  “Oh, wow,” Emily breathed, and he looked over at her. Lord, she was beautiful. He’d thought so from the first. Her hair had grown a little longer in the days she’d been here, the flirty tips of her short cut now softer around her face. She had held him together today, as much as he didn’t want to admit it.

  “I’m scared, Em.”

  Sympathy softened her face even more. “Oh, Luke. I’m sure that is hard to say.”

  He nodded. “It is. I don’t have the luxury of being scared. I’ve known for a long time that this family is my responsibility, but there was always this little bit of ‘not yet’ as long as Dad was alive. It was easier to deny, I suppose. I’m starting to have to face the truth. It’s all on me now. And I don’t want to face it. I want to go back to being twenty and full of myself and with my life ahead of me. Not predetermined.”

  He shook his head. “I’m a selfish bastard. I’ve got everything I could ever want and I’m ungrateful.”

  “No you’re not.” She turned her back on the view and gripped his wrists. “I can only imagine how hard this is for you. He is your father.”

  “I never asked for this. We were still reeling from Mom’s death and I think Dad must
have had an idea that things weren’t right. He and I went to the lawyer’s one day and he changed his will and gave me power of attorney. He told me it was because one day the farm would be mine. I had no idea how soon…I think he knew what was coming and was preparing. He knew I would have to make the decisions when he couldn’t. But putting your own father in a home…” His voice cracked. “It was hell on earth making that decision.”

  Remembering how ungrateful he’d been back then left a bitter taste in his mouth. “I wanted to finish school. To get away from Evans and Son like it was a foregone conclusion.” He stared past Emily’s shoulder at the blocks of color below: the dull green of the freshly hayed fields, the lush emerald of pasture, the golden fields of grain crops. “We had words about it.”

  “And he was already sick?”

  “Yes.” He turned his attention back to Emily, expecting to see revulsion on her face. Hell, he hated himself for ever having felt it and now saying it out loud was like admitting he was a self-absorbed kid. But her eyes were soft with understanding, and she took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest.

  He let his arms go around her, drawing strength from her.

  “We thought he was just grieving for Mom and having difficulties. We made all sorts of excuses. It wasn’t until the smoke alarms went off that we realized. The kitchen had some fire and smoke damage. That was all. But it could have been worse. He was a danger to all of us. The hardest thing I ever did was put my father in a home. Especially after the words I’d said to him. And the girls…they were dealing with teenage angst and emotions and missing our mother. I was barely more than a kid myself.”

  He paused, wondered how much of the truth to tell her and settled for half. “I never want to have that responsibility again. I’ve been son, brother, parent, breadwinner and sole operator of this ranch and that’s enough for me. I raised my family and it was one hell of a painful experience. I don’t want to raise another one.”