by Julia Wolf
“Lock the door after I leave. Close the window too.” His jaw worked, and I thought he’d say something else, but he shook his head, released a long, pained huff, and left.
I did as he said, then checked all the windows to make sure they were secure too. When I went back to my room, I peeked out the curtains. Sebastian was there, on his bike, waiting. As soon as he saw me, he dipped his chin and rode off into the night.
Chapter Thirty-four
Bex waited for me outside of school Monday so we could walk in together. She talked to me like normal, telling me about the latest trouble her brother, Parker, had gotten in, but the ringing in my ears drowned out every other word.
When we crested the top of the steps, the usual crew was hanging out on the wall, minus one. Sebastian wasn’t there. And yes, I’d looked. I hadn’t wanted to, but my eyes had been drawn to his spot.
“Hey, little princess.” Gabe shot me a wink. If a wink could be called sad, his was.
“Hey.” I kept going, waving at him over my shoulder.
“You did it.” Bex curled her arm around me.
“He wasn’t there,” I muttered.
“Doesn’t matter. You expected him to be there and you still climbed those steps anyway.”
My lips curved at her support. “You should make a poster out of that. It was very motivational.”
“Oooh.” She clapped. “With a sunset? Or an adorable puppy climbing up a long staircase?”
I snorted. “Either works.”
Bex let me share her locker so I didn’t have to go downstairs at all today. We dropped off books and our lunches, then headed to class like it was a normal day. I didn’t feel normal, though. My insides were covered in thousands of paper cuts and every second I spent in the building, knowing Elena and Sebastian shared the same air as me, squeezed lemon juice on my wounds. It was squirmy and uncomfortable, making it impossible to give my full attention to the teacher or anything else.
By math, I was ready to shed my skin entirely. It didn’t matter that I had found a way to avoid Sebastian. He filled my every thought. I went from glad this happened now rather than a few months from now when I became even more attached, to boiling rage that I had to spend the rest of my senior year in the same school as him, to calm acceptance this was always going to happen. We were going to break up, go our separate ways, probably miss each other for a while, but move on eventually. As Helen told me weeks ago, Bash would never be my happy ending. If I could just figure out a way to keep myself in the calm acceptance stage, I’d be golden.
At lunch, Bex and I met in the cafeteria. We sat with Cassie, who welcomed us with open arms and introduced us to all the other WAGs, even though we’d met them before. I could tell Bex hated every second of it, but she was such a fucking rock star, she toughed it out for me.
I turned my head to speak low and quiet. “We’ll eat somewhere else tomorrow.”
She tapped the side of her head against my forehead. “No worries, Grace. This is a form of torture, but nothing I can’t handle.”
“We just need to figure out how to get to the bleachers without going through the front door.” I had no idea if Sebastian would let me go if he saw me, but I wasn’t prepared to find out. Avoidance was my only plan right now. I would avoid him until it didn’t physically hurt to look at him.
“Easy. We can go out the gym exit.”
“Why didn’t I think of that?”
She grinned. “That’s why you have an evil genius for a friend.”
That made me slip out a small giggle. “Oh, right, that’s why.”
Having lunch with Bex steeled me for the rest of the day. By the time I got to English class, I was able to handle occupying the same space as Elena. Then again, I hadn’t been surprised when she’d dumped acid on my heart. When it came to her, my surprise had worn off years ago.
As soon as the bell rang, I bolted. Maybe it was cowardly, but it was about time I showed a little self-preservation.
* * *
The next day started the same, with Bex meeting me out front, but when we climbed the steps, Sebastian was waiting at the top.
“Grace.” He cut me off, standing in front of me. “You weren’t in math.”
“I won’t be there again today.”
He started to reach for my face, but caught himself, balling his hand into a fist. “You can’t fuck up your grades just because—don’t do that.”
“I’ve got it taken care of. I’m not your worry.” It hurt to look at him. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and fresh scabs dotted his knuckles. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he’d been punching. Or who.
“Yeah, that doesn’t work for me. You decided to be done with me. I never agreed. My feelings don’t shut off like that.” The timbre of his voice was low and a little shaky. He spoke for only me, and each word hit me in my chest.
“I’m not your girlfriend anymore. It will be easier for us both if you let me go without a fight. Please.”
His thumb skimmed my bottom lip. “You run, I catch. That’s how it works.”
I shook my head. “Not this time.”
He stepped aside, murmuring, “This isn’t over,” as I passed.
Bex took my hand in hers, pulling me away from Bash and inside the school. At her locker, she gave me a tight hug, but I was okay. Still ripped up, still stinging with disappointment and loss, but not falling to pieces. It probably helped that I had experience with having the rug pulled out from under me. It hurt and it might knock the wind out of me for a while, but I knew I’d pick myself back up.
I got through the day just as I had the first, but this time, I had to go to work once school let out. Normally, I looked forward to these days, but today, I was wary.
And as it turned out, I had every reason to be. Helen arrived a few minutes after me with Sebastian right behind her. Since Carly hadn’t left for the day yet, I hurried into the back, mumbling something about checking the stock.
He followed like he said he would. I backed into a shelf filled with boxes of T-shirts, and Sebastian caged me in, gripping the shelf on either side of my head.
“I’ll drive you home.”
“No.” My voice came out as a whisper, so I repeated myself more emphatically. “No.”
His jaw worked as he stared me down. “You’re not walking home at night.”
“My mom will pick me up.”
His hand came down on the shelf, the metal ringing in the small space. “Liar. She works late Tuesdays.”
I winced, shrinking away from him even though I couldn’t really move. “Then I’ll get an Uber. I’m not going on your bike. You’re not my boyfriend. This has to stop.”
Releasing the shelf, he scrubbed his face hard. When he looked at me again, his eyes were shining black pools filled with endless pain. He opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind, shaking his head and gnashing his teeth together.
I wanted to say something too, anything to make us feel better, but there was nothing to say—nothing to make it better.
Sebastian lifted his eyes to me one more time, and my knees nearly buckled at the anguish written all over him. In every bunched and sagging muscle. His voice. Even the air around him. It wasn’t something I’d ever expected from this boy. Anger, I could deal with, but this? I didn’t know how I could keep hurting him this way.
He left quietly, hitting the doorjamb on his way out of the room.
I took thirty seconds to gather myself, but that was all I allowed. I was at work. Carly was counting on me to take over so she could go home to her husband. Life went on, no matter how heartbroken I was.
The shop wasn’t super busy, but busy enough Helen and I didn’t have a solid time to sit down and chat until it was close to closing time. I was glad about that since I didn’t know how to feel about her.
“Are you pissed at me, Gracie?”
I sighed, resting my chin on my fist as I slumped over the counter. Maybe I did know how I felt about her, because now that she’d
said it, hell yes I was pissed at her.
“You knew, right?”
She tapped her long, black nails on the counter. “Yeah. I knew. I told Bash he needed to come clean with you, but he’s Bash. He does what he wants.” She shrugged. “I did what I could, Gracie. I’m gonna be real with you. I like you, you’re my friend, but my loyalty lies with him. He’s been my boy for too long for me to cross him. I’m really fucking sorry it came out the way it did, though. I swear to god, if that little cunt comes near you again, I will beat her ass.”
“I would never expect you to choose me over him, Hells. But I really don’t think telling me would have been choosing me. Girl code and all that.” I shrugged, mimicking her careless attitude. “Bash told me you were his friend first, and this was just a solid reminder.”
She untucked her arms, leaning toward me. “That’s it? You’re writing me off too?”
I threw my arms out. “What do you want me to do? Anything I say to you will get back to him. You just told me point blank you won’t be loyal to me. That makes you a shitty friend and I’d be stupid to go any deeper.”
She scrunched her pretty face like my words tasted sour. “What the fuck, girlie? A shitty friend?” Her shoulders curled forward. “God, am I?”
I snorted a laugh. “My experience with you is limited, but yeah, kinda.”
“Huh. I’m gonna have to think about that. Maybe this is why I don’t have girl friends. Only boys who’ve been inside me.”
That made me laugh even harder. “Possibly.”
She patted my shoulder. “I’m not making any promises, ’cause I think we know I’d most likely end up a liar, but for tonight, I’m gonna give you a ride home after we close. And before that, I’ll clean the toilet as penance.”
I tilted my head, considering her. “You just might be a real one after all, Hells.”
Chapter Thirty-five
I couldn’t stay away from my sculptures any longer. I made my way down to shop after changing into jeans and a T-shirt, holding my breath the whole way. When I found it empty, I almost breathed a sigh of relief. That was before I caught sight of Sebastian’s mural.
What used to be his mural.
It had been destroyed. Black paint splattered across the formerly beautiful, macabre lovers. The words he’d painstakingly painted into the fabric of the shroud had been scribbled out.
My chest felt caved in. Not only from the desecrated artwork, but from the heavy burden of knowing I’d been the one to bring Bash to this place—to the place where he couldn’t stand to look at the beautiful art he’d made for one second longer.
Now, I couldn’t stand it. It hurt my entire soul.
Turning my back, I strode with determination to my work area. I refused to look at the mural again. Instead, I put on my mask and picked up my blowtorch. There was nothing better to take my mind off my twisted insides than to concentrate on something outside of me. When I held fire in my hands, I couldn’t think of anything else, not unless I wanted to cook myself.
I worked on my hanging installation, welding stars to chains that would hang from the copper pipe stand I’d already created. The clock ticking on the wall told me I’d been there for two hours, and the crick in my shoulders said that had been long enough for today. Especially since it would be getting dark in a little while and I had to walk home.
When I took off my mask, movement caught my eye. I twisted around, finding Sebastian across the room, painting. He’d covered his entire mural in another thick coat of black, so none of it was visible anymore. The muscles in his shoulders bunched under his thin T-shirt as he rolled more paint on.
I quickly grabbed my bag, hoping to sneak past him, but luck wasn’t on my side. The second I started toward the door, his head swiveled in my direction and he dropped the roller.
“You have a ride?” he asked.
“No, I’m walking.” I kept going, but he caught my arm. “Stop.” I refused to face him. The paint had already been too much for me.
“I’ll take you. Give me a minute to clean up.”
“Bash,” I breathed. “No. Just…”
He spun me toward him, but I kept my eyes on the floor. “I drove one of Bradley’s cars today. I needed to bring paint, couldn’t do that on my bike. You don’t have to fucking touch me, Grace. Just let me drive you home so I know you’re safe.”
I exhaled slowly, knowing he wouldn’t drop it. The ride wasn’t long, and if I didn’t have to be wrapped around him like on the bike, I could endure it.
“Fine.”
A few minutes later, we were in his borrowed car, but he didn’t start driving right away. He sat there, gripping the wheel like it was his only source of control, but he didn’t speak, and neither did I.
After a while, he started the car and drove me home in complete silence. It was weird, not to be fighting him or even talking at all. This wasn’t us.
But we weren’t us anymore.
He stopped the car, and I climbed out, never uttering a single word.
The rest of the week went the same. I sleepwalked through classes, doing the work that needed to be done, but not really absorbing any new information. In the afternoons, I worked on my sculptures while Sebastian painted, then he drove me home. Always in silence, always fraught with a thick layer of tension.
I had no idea how long this would go on. He had to see I wasn’t giving in. Eventually, he’d grow bored of silent car rides with a girl who wouldn’t even look at him.
That was what I wanted. I was done being his girlfriend. So why did the thought of Sebastian moving on send a wave of horror crawling up my spine?
“Grace.”
We were in front of my building, my hand poised on the car door. “Yeah?”
“If you think my silence is acceptance, you’re wrong. I’m giving you time to come around, but if you think you can move on with someone else, maybe hookup with a fucking stooge at one of Elijah’s parties, consider his health. I’ll fucking kill anyone who touches you.”
I shook my head, exhausted. “I don’t...hookup. That isn’t me. But if it was, it would be none of your business.”
“Like who I’m hooking up with now is none of your business?”
Dagger. Heart. Agony. He chose to use present tense very purposely to drive his point home.
“Right.” I threw open the door. “Exactly right. Have a fun weekend. I don’t doubt you will.” I did not give him the satisfaction of slamming the door shut. I closed it as if I had control over myself and I wasn’t on the verge of flying into a violent rage or curling into a ball.
I ran, but he didn’t chase.
Not this time.
* * *
Saturday was spent hanging out at Bex’s house. Her mom was trying to be more maternal, so she cooked us a huge lunch, which morphed into dinner. Then she sent me home with several containers of leftovers, which my mom and I dug into on Sunday.
I spent most of the day doing homework and went to bed early because I really just couldn’t stand to be awake anymore. That was becoming a pattern for me, but I wasn’t ready to work on it quite yet.
Bright lights shining through my curtains woke me. It was only eleven, but as I lay in bed, I didn’t hear any sounds of life. My mom must have gone to bed early too.
The light wasn’t going away, so I stumbled out of bed and peeked through the crack in my curtains. I was nearly blinded by a single headlight aimed directly at my window. My stomach dropped, and my breathing hitched.
I knew who was out there. He wanted me to know.
I slid my window up. He must have seen me because his headlight dimmed and then his shadowy figure came toward me.
“Grace,” he slurred. “Another Sunday, another lie.”
My heart flopped around in my chest like a dead fish. “Are you drunk? Did you drive here drunk, Sebastian?”
“I’m fine, baby. Just needed to see you.” He paced for a few minutes, alternating between tugging his hair and giving me looks that were so p
ained, it was all I could do to stand there and watch him. He came back to the window and pressed his hand to the screen, and I couldn’t stop myself from aligning my palm with his. “Look at that, almost touching.”
We froze like that for a while, breaking each other into little pieces as the seconds ticked by.
“You can’t keep coming here.” I slowly dropped my hand to the windowsill. “This isn’t okay.”
“Sara asked about you. I can’t tell her. I’m such a fuckup, Grace. You were the one good thing I ever had. You know that? Sara’s gonna have a broken heart when she finds out I fucked another thing up. We’ll be matching, my sister and me.”
“I’m sorry for that.”
“Me too.” He leaned his forehead against the screen. “Fuck this shit. I hate it. I don’t know what to do for you to forgive me, but I need you to. This isn’t working for me.”
“Bash...please.”
Two headlights shined behind him as a car pulled into the spot beside his bike. A second later, Gabe hopped out of the car and strode toward my window. I’d texted him as soon as I realized Sebastian had been drinking and driving, telling him to come get his boy.
“Buddy!” Gabe sounded jovial, like picking up his drunk friend outside of his ex-girlfriend’s apartment building was all in a day’s work.
Sebastian whirled around. “What the fuck? How’d you get here?”
Gabe met my eyes through the screen. “I’ve got him, little princess. Don’t worry about ol’ Bashie boy. I’ll tuck him right into bed.”
Sebastian whipped back to me, betrayal crinkling his features. “You called him?”
I nodded. “Yeah. You can’t drive in this condition. Be safe, Bash.” I slid my window down and shut the curtains, removing myself from the situation. I could hear scuffling and Sebastian arguing with Gabe, but eventually, it grew quiet again. When I cracked my curtains, Sebastian’s bike was still there, but he and Gabe weren’t.