Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “Declan this is between me and Matt…. just go inside,” I try to calm everything down as I feel a headache starting.

  “I’m not leaving here till Matt gets his fucking hand off your tits Iz.” He looks at me angrily.

  Matt looks down at me all serious, “I’m really sorry Izzy. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but if I hadn’t thought you were up for it, I wouldn’t have started anything,” he says looking all contrite.

  “Shit Matt…I’m the one who’s sorry…we’re all good, I wanted it…it’s just…I need to go now,” I try to make him see this is all on me. I started this. Giving him a quick peck followed by a shaky smile I run off into the night, wishing I could click my heels together three times and be home already.

  “Izzy sweetheart slow down…where are you running off to?”

  Bollocks, Declan’s still here.

  “Just piss off Declan, I need to be alone, go back to the bar, do your thing and I’ll see you later,” I shout back at him.

  “Not gonna leave you like this so you can either slow the fuck down or walk with me, I’ll be following you right the way home anyway," he snaps back at me.

  I slow down, my feet are killing me, I’ve never been able to run in heels. People make it look so easy but it’s not, well not for someone as clumsy as me anyway. We continue to walk in silence as Declan’s insists on walking me home. He suddenly breaks it sounding like he could punch something or someone.

  “Seriously Izzy,….Matt? You picked Matt?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean Declan. I picked Matt? I have no bloody clue what you’re doing or saying, I’m out having a bit of fun and now it’s over and I want to go home to bed.”

  “You’re not that girl Izzy,” he says shaking his head.

  “How the hell do you know Declan? You’ve known me all of however many days…you know nothing at all about me,” I snap back at him picking up speed.

  He pulls me to a stop and starts trailing his fingers down my face. “I knew you the minute I looked into those big eyes; beautiful but very sad eyes.” He suddenly looks at me, puzzled. “I’ve never seen eyes like yours before Izzy, eyes that change from one shade of blue to another, one minute to the next.”

  I’m starting to lose control of this situation; I need him to stop saying things like this to me. “Declan, please let me go…” I whisper.

  “Why Iz, why do you get like this when it’s just you and me?” he implores.

  “Like what Declan?” I can’t look at him. I’m so fucking weak.

  “Scared, nervous…wanting to run off…” he trails off, tucking my hair behind my ear.

  I know exactly what he means and I know why, but no chance in hell do I want him to know how he affects me. I push away from him as hard as I can and start walking off. Once we get to the house I lock myself in the bathroom. I feel like shit so I have a shower and get ready for bed. Climbing under my duvet I curl into my usual ball trying to make myself appear small so I can go unnoticed. I hear a knock and the door opens slightly.

  “Can I come in Izzy?” Declan whispers hesitantly.

  I don’t answer, I want him to think I’m sleeping and go away, but he comes in anyway. He lies down next to me and moves me across his chest. He doesn’t say anything; he just lies here stroking my arm. I feel so relaxed and safe that I can feel myself actually going asleep. I’m nearly there…

  Declan

  I’m lying here with Izzy in my arms wondering what it is that pulls me to this girl. There’s no doubt that Izzy’s beautiful. She’s fucking gorgeous. But, it’s not just that. She’s also vulnerable but with a real feisty strength when she needs it, which really turns me on. I’ve tried to stay away but it’s damn near impossible.

  I’ve never met anyone like her, I feel like I need to be wherever she is. I don’t know what it is about her, but the moment I met her, I saw through her. Her eyes had me wanting to pick her up and fight for her, take out anything or anyone who’d hurt her. Her eyes are so familiar; I know where she’s been. I recognise that look. It’s a look of terror and hurt, I’ve seen it enough times in the mirror to recognise it.

  “What is it about you that makes me want you so much?” I whisper to her, knowing she can’t hear me as she’s asleep.

  I’ve got no idea what I’m supposed to do. I’m scared if she sticks with me I’ll make her miserable and somehow end up ruining her life. If I do that, I have no doubt I’ll ruin mine in return when she leaves, which she will…

  “What the fuck am I doing?” I whisper hearing my words, torn with guilt. I slowly move her off me and gently kiss her on those soft sweet lips before going back to my room trying to ignore how I feel about the sleeping girl in the bedroom below.

  Chapter Six

  My first thought when I wake up is whether I dreamt Declan in my room last night or not. I’m still thinking about it in the shower when I’m interrupted by Aiden coming in. I’m so thankful right now that the shower screen is too dark for him to see me properly.

  “Aiden get the hell out, I’m in the shower,” I shout, wanting to throw something.

  “You should’ve remembered to lock the door then girl. Anyway I can’t see you and I want to brush my teeth,” he shouts back at me rustling near the sink. At least he’s not interested in perving I suppose so I continue shampooing my hair.

  “So Izzy, I want to know, what happened last night, tell me all about it,” he says, as he begins to brush his teeth. I’m not sure what to tell him, so shockingly I decide to tell him everything. I obviously have no filter when it comes to Aiden. The only thing I don’t tell him about is that Declan stayed in my room for a bit last night.

  “You know Izzy, I’m not sure what’s happened to you in your past, but I’d have to be an idiot not to know it’s something big.” He spits out some toothpaste, which makes me gag.

  “So when you feel you can put your trust in me and tell me, I’m here, that’s all. Oh, and as far as Declan goes, he’s my best friend but you’ve got to be careful there Izzy, he’s never had a serious relationship. The girls love him and he loves the fact that they do, if you know what I mean.” He rinses his mouth out and moves on to the mouthwash, carrying on as if this situation isn’t extremely uncomfortable for me. Unfortunately I know exactly what he means but this is a conversation I don’t feel like having while I’m naked in the shower.

  “Right so Aiden, you need to leave because I’m turning into a prune.” I want his arse out of here.

  “Okay, fine…we’ll save that one for another time Izzy. I’ll see you on campus later, just text me if you want to meet for a coffee,” he says sticking his hand round the screen, giving me thumbs up.

  “Just go,” I laugh at him and wait till he’s closed the door behind him. I quickly get ready and make my way into Uni looking forward to getting lost in something other than my own dramas. My second lecture of the day drags, I’m squirming in my seat because I know Mum’s waiting for me. I finally hear the bell and literally run out of the lecture hall while texting Aiden to say I’m leaving to go pick something up for Mum so I can’t meet him. I haven’t heard from her since I found her on the floor. It worries me, I should be there for her, but I’m sure she knows why I can’t. Well I’d hope so, although her avoidance trait is worse than mine.

  I take the bus into town and manage to find three gorgeous photo albums. It takes me ages to choose; they’re for Zack after all, so they have to be perfect. Once I’m back on the bus I text Declan, I have to; it’s going to be too awkward if I don’t. I try to keep it light so he doesn’t know how he’s left my heart, literally burrowing into the shadows of him trying to catch his light. I still have to live with him and no matter how I feel about that, the alternative is beyond worse.

  I put my phone back in my bag when I see my stop coming up. I warily let myself in and don’t bother checking the house, I go straight to Mum’s room and sure enough there she is, knitting. I think there are two kinds of women who knit. There are the wome
n who knit with purpose, with an end result in mind if you like; scarves, jumpers, mittens…whatever. Then there are the women who knit for therapeutic purposes. I do wonder if they just keep going until they run out of yarn or whether they suddenly just stop, unravel and start again?

  “Are you okay Mum?” I ask her, wondering whether or not she actually realises I’m here. “I got the albums for Zack’s photos, shall we start putting them in?”

  She looks up at me and smiles, putting her knitting down. “Yes Izobel, yes I’m ready, let’s document Zack’s life as it was,” her voice breaks at her own words and I feel the tears threaten, my eyes welling up.

  His life. I miss him so much the pain never goes away. It never becomes any less than it was. We sit here for hours reminiscing about Zack, how handsome, loving and funny he was. Even though it hurts, it feels comforting at the same time. Zack was crazy, but good crazy. He was always everyone’s favourite in the family, he had this endearing quality of ‘little boy lost’ no matter how old he got. He was funny too, more so when he didn’t mean to be, his wit was sharp, bang on time in any situation. I loved him with all my heart and always felt very protective of him even though he was over a foot taller than me.

  “How’s University going Izobel?” Mum asks whilst she’s stroking her thumb across a slightly wrinkled and tear stained school portrait of Zack. He can’t have been more than ten years old in it. So adorable, gap toothed with that wonky smile. I have to take a deep breath before I answer.

  “Good Mum, slightly more out of my depth than I thought I’d be, but I’ve made an appointment with my tutor Dr McGrath next week to get some extra material to help me,” I say, unable to tear my eyes away from the photo in Mum’s hand.

  “His name sounds familiar Izobel….where have I heard that name before?”

  “Not sure, I don’t remember him ever being mentioned.” I look at her picking up her knitting and frantically clicking those needles, lost in thought by the look of her frown lines.

  “When’s Dad coming home? I want to make sure I’m gone in time.”

  “Not till late love, I am sorry you know Izobel, so very sorry, but I’ve never been able to control his temper and putting myself in between you two,” she trails off looking away. “Well I always did wonder if it would make matters worse.” The tears start streaming down her cheeks. It breaks my heart but I know I need to be the strong one now.

  “I know Mum, but it’s over, he can’t hurt me anymore, I won’t let him and I don’t need his love when he treats me like I’m nothing. I can’t live this way, you shouldn’t have to either. After all, he’s the reason we lost Zack,” I say with anger I didn’t know I was capable off.

  “Shhh Izobel don’t.” She looks at me and her expression makes yet another crack in my heart. My heart has so many now I know it’ll take more than love to mend it.

  “I need to go Mum, I’m sorry…I really am.” I feel numb again. I should be used to it by now. I hug her for what seems like ages and on my way home, I question yet again why she’s still living under the same roof as him. It’s like she lives in a room with no windows or doors, not realising there is an outside world – trapped. Living with someone she used to know, someone Zack and I never got the chance to meet, in love with the past. I think there’s two ways of looking at it, she’s either showing great strength or great cowardice. I prefer to think its strength because the other option breaks my heart.

  Once I’m back at the house, I make myself a cup of coffee before going back to my room. I sit in the big comfy armchair by the bay window as it really is the most perfect spot. I pick up my kindle and try to lose myself in the fictional world to escape the ugliness of mine. I nearly jump out of my chair from the loud buzzing when I get a text message from Aiden saying they’re playing a gig in some pub on the other side of town. He wants to see if I want to join them as I still haven’t heard ‘The Standards’ live. I reply back saying I’m staying in tonight, but to enjoy and wish them good luck. I check my phone to see if I’ve got a reply from Declan to my earlier text but there’s nothing. I have to admit this not only upsets me, but puts me in a bad mood. So I decide, as the house is boy free, to have a pampering session. There’s nothing like it to feel brand spanking new and revived.

  I have a long bath with a face mask. I wax, I manicure, pedicure, moisturize till I literally shine by the end of my session. I feel brand spanking new on the outside. I put on my strappy short nightdress, it’s black and simple but most of all it’s comfortable. I sit myself back in the chair by the window and return to my book feeling all refreshed.

  I must have fallen asleep because the sound of the lads returning startles me awake in the chair. From where I’m sitting, I can see them out the window. I can also hear Declan singing, his voice makes me shiver and tingle in places, like he’s done since I met him. He looks up at my window and I know he can see me. I can’t look away no matter how hard I try, he stands there for a while just looking up at me, then he smiles and comes into the house. I can hear him pounding up the stairs and then suddenly, here he is in my room. I can hear Aiden turning the radio on downstairs and I hear the beginning of one of my favourite songs; ‘I don’t want to be’ by Gavin Degraw. It’s as if the song sets Declan off, he takes two long strides into the room with a fierce look on his face, his jaw clenching. He slides his hand into my hair and grips it tight to the point where it’s almost painful, but not quite. He bends over and his lips are just about touching mine, when he whispers at my ear, “When I met you Izzy, you crawled under my skin, you hit me so hard and I can’t stop you, I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t leave you alone.”

  I’m not quite sure what he means but the next minute his lips are on mine so I don’t get a chance to ask him. His tongue roughly forces entry and invades my mouth, giving me chills all over my body. I slide my hands eagerly under his t-shirt finally touching and exploring the hard ridges on his stomach and his lean defined pecs. As he moans into my mouth, I feel a sense of triumph. I want him to feel just how I feel every time I’m near him. I knew he would feel amazing but the way my body is reacting to his, the way my heart is pounding right now. Well, I had no idea. I literally feel him everywhere.

  He lets go for a second to pull his t-shirt off, then he lifts me up and I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist. He walks me to my bed and literally drops me following me down and ending up on top of me between my legs. I can’t even describe how it feels having his weight on top of me, his warm skin, the hard muscle. I’m literally melting in his arms. His mouth is still on mine, his tongue touching and teasing me; his teeth grazing and nibbling on my lips. Shit this guy can kiss. I have never felt so turned on in my life. I slide my hands down his back and under his jeans and arch against him gripping his arse with my hands. His tongue is making a trail along my jaw, down my neck, across my collar bone and the tingling soon turns to fierce burning. I feel dizzy and out of control.

  “Declan please….” I whisper, wanting him so bad I can’t stand it any longer.

  He stops what he’s doing and looks searchingly into my eyes wanting confirmation. “You sure sweetheart?” His voice is so deep and husky, I’m left in no doubt of how much he wants me and this makes me even more desperate for his touch.

  “Please…” I tell him pressing myself into him, feeling his hardness against me, wanting him inside me. He slowly pulls off my night dress, groaning as I’m left more and more exposed. The way he’s looking at me with pure lust in his dark molten eyes makes me feel bold and desired rather than embarrassed. Kissing his way down my body leaving no part of me untouched he removes my knickers slowly. I moan loudly, my head falling back as I close my eyes from the onslaught of pure fucking desire. Declan slides his hands up my thighs kissing, licking and biting them as he makes his way back up again. I feel him everywhere and my mind is scrambled as my body trembles. I want him so badly now so I fumblingly try to undo his belt and push his jeans down as far as I can, followed by his boxers. Hi
s fingers are working me to the point where all I can feel is him, I can’t breathe. But this lost breath is the good kind. Capturing my mouth in a burning kiss his hands leave my body and I hear the tear of a foil packet. As he settles himself between my legs, he suddenly stops and cradles my face with his hands, leaning on his elbows.

  “Are you sure?” his hot panting breath whispers against my lips.

  I’m nervous and scared because this is a huge step and I know I won’t only be giving him my body here, it’ll be more than that. But I want this. I need this. I want Declan.

  “I’m sure,” I whisper shyly, thinking that even if this isn’t a good idea, there’s no bloody way I can stop it now. I wouldn’t want to. Declan’s eyes are burning into mine, I nod again and his body tenses, his breathing becomes erratic as he slowly pushes his way inside. I can’t breathe, I have no words, this is beyond anything I dreamed.

  “Fucking hell Izzy….So. Bloody. Perfect,” he groans, his thrusts getting harder and going deeper. He captures my mouth in another deep and all-consuming kiss and I grab his hair pushing my fingers through it, trying to get him closer even though it’s physically impossible. I’m so burning hot I can’t get enough of him, I can’t taste him enough, touch him enough, get him deep enough. The muscles in his arms are flexing as his rhythm picks up. I turn my face and trace his tattoo with my tongue and he makes a noise that sounds a bit like a growl. Then suddenly, his hands are all over me, I cry out as he hooks my leg over his arm and he loses all control. The pounding is frantic, rough and hard, we’ve both lost ourselves completely to the moment. I forget to breathe as the waves wash over me and I’m pretty sure I shout his name over and over like a chant. I knew it would be amazing with Declan but this…this is something else and as I feel and hear him fall over the edge as he shouts my name, I feel a satisfying warmth, spread through me. As our breathing tries to return to normal, he gently places kisses on my face and lips rolling to his side and pulling me with him.