Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “So, Izzy, yeah I know who you are,” she says spitefully, my name sounding like a bad taste in her mouth as she leans over the table. I swear I can see everything underneath her top, that’s how low-cut it is.

  “I want you to leave Declan the hell alone, he’s mine, always has been and for the last week you’ve been putting ideas into his head that makes him question that and has him feeling shit he shouldn’t be, poor guy is confused.” She looks me up and down, judging me with her eyes and I know she finds me lacking.

  “We have a history that you have no place interfering in so get the fuck away from him you slapper.”

  With that she turns around and goes back to join her mates. I seriously wonder after that display how old she thinks we are and whether she still thinks we’re in high school. I start humming the Rocky tune to myself and can’t help laughing, what a stupid twat. I get back to checking my phone for any other missed calls and messages. I suddenly hear my name and see Aiden bouncing across the pub, this guy’s got way too much energy, he’s like the energizer bunny, well that’s until he sees Lina at the bar. He quickly looks over at me with deep frown lines on his face.

  “Hey Aiden, take that look off your face, madam over there’s had her say, but it’s like water off a ducks back okay, it’s all good, promise,” I say to him, trying to draw him back to me.

  “Well Declan doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, his head’s all over the place mixed up in guilt and responsibility but Lina, she’s a different story, you’ve got to watch out for her Izzy, she has venom coursing through her veins. She’s a bloody snake at times.”

  With that he goes to get me a refill and himself a pint and settles in for the night next to me. We exchange more stories about ourselves. I skirt around my childhood as much as I can without giving too much away. I’m pretty sure I can trust Aiden but he doesn’t need to be tainted by my memories. I know he realises that I’m giving him superficial stories, because he probes and searches. It’s as if he tries to throw me a rope to pull me out once I bite, but I can’t let the words outside again today without the panic and fear coming back. I’m stuck and the doors have closed again as of the minute I walked out of Dr McGrath’s office. The walls are back up and yes there are chips in it, cracks even, but it’s going to take a lot for a permanent rescue from the darkness. I know I need to be rescued but only I can do that. Ultimately I know this, but like my brother I need some helping hands. I just hope they’ll be stronger than what mine where when he needed me most. I hope Dr McGrath is the one to do it.

  I shake myself back to the moment and Aiden. It’ll do no good thinking these thoughts because he’ll see them written on my face.

  “So…Aiden tell me more about how you grew up and your family,” I ask him needing to hear and feel the love. Knowing that there are happy families out there is like crack to me. I want to soak up some of that love.

  “Not much to say really Iz, you know most of it by now,” he says smiling at me.

  Yeah I guess he’s right, I know he grew up in a home full of love. He clearly loves his parents and his younger brother. They never had much but what they undoubtedly had was love and respect. That much is clear. His Mum sounds like the ultimate definition of what a Mum should be, and his Dad, well, he’s the polar opposite to mine yet surprisingly I feel no jealousy or resentment. Aiden is without doubt one of the most caring, level headed and intelligent men I know, he really does remind me of my brother in so many ways. He tells me how he was one of the lucky ones regarding his sexuality. His Mum knew before he did. When he finally realised and tried to speak to her about it she’d apparently hugged him and said she was glad he’d finally found himself and she’s been there for and with him since that day. He has this reverent look on his face as he is telling me this and his eyes glaze over.

  “Did you ever have anything bad happen to you because of it?” I ask him, dreading his answer.

  “Yeah, there’ll always be haters Izzy,” he shrugs as he tells me of some of the nasty experiences he’s had and I want to go on a one woman ninja crusade to avenge him against these ignorant shits for putting him through such hell. I know that doesn’t solve anything but I still want to do it. We finish our drinks and start walking home when my phone rings, it’s Sofia again.

  “Sorry Aiden I’ve got to get this,” I say as we walk into the house, he nods at me and goes to join the lads in the kitchen. “Hey Sofia,” I answer. She sounds so far away, but then again apparently she is. She’s in New York waiting to get a ticket to come back to London. Not only is she coming home early, she’s in a country she shouldn’t be in and she’s all alone.

  She thinks she may be able to get in next Friday but can’t get a direct flight. Just before the connection breaks she manages to tell me that she’s left Taylor and is coming home with nothing but her bag and no place to go. Dammit. I start walking upstairs to my room all worried and stare disbelievingly at my phone at her news, not looking where I’m going. I bump into Declan who’s bounding down the stairs, I stumble but he catches me. As I sway backwards he draws me into his arms and sits down at the same time, which means I end up straddling him.

  “Whoa Izzy, you okay sweetheart? You look like you have the world on your shoulders.”

  How can he sit and smile at me with that cheeky and addictive grin like the other day didn’t happen, like we haven’t been through the ringer since the day we met? I look at him in disbelief and am getting so angry I know I’ve got to get to my room before I literally explode. His mouth draws me though, I look at his lips and can’t help wanting to lick his full pierced bottom lip, feel the hot and cold which makes me feel things I know, I shouldn’t be feeling. I shift my eyes up to look at his. No better really, his eyes are mesmerising and right now they’re looking at me with what can only be described as intense piercing want.

  “Let me go Declan,” I whisper to him, barely audible even to myself. This makes him hold on to me even tighter.

  “I can’t Izzy, I really can’t,” he sighs and rests his forehead against mine. I can feel his hot breath on my skin and I feel it all over my body making me very aware of my pounding heartbeat.

  “You have to Declan, I can’t do this, I don’t have the fight in me to continue what we’re doing. I mean, I don’t even know what the hell we are doing.” Even though I say that, I pray that he keeps holding on to me because I know that if he does I won’t put up a fight, I lied, my heart is his, I know that. But he doesn’t, instead he releases me and lifts me to my feet.

  Just as he’s about to walk off he puts his hand on my face and bends over, puts his lips to mine and whispers against them, “I’m so sorry Izzy.”

  As soon as I’m back in my room and close my door, I burst into tears. I’m angry at myself for getting into this situation with him. Just as thing’s were looking up. Trying to start my life again, searching for a new beginning rescuing myself from the cluster-fuck that is my life, I put myself in a situation that only adds to the bloody pile of hurt. Fuck this. I’m not going to let him do this to me; I’ve come so far in just over a week, further than I thought I would. My thoughts wander to Connor. Sweet and funny Connor; who is, in reality, perfect for me really. I know he’s quite a bit older than me. But maybe that’ll work even better? Who knows? Yeah I don’t need a man to help me forget or help me heal…I know this. But pathetic or not that’s what I want right now. I need to feel wanted, loved, desired and protected. I need that little bit of help whilst I re-build myself from the inside out. Then I can stand on my own two feet. As long as I don’t hurt anyone in the process, this is my plan. I get ready for bed and crawl under my duvet and roll myself into a protective ball. I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately.

  Chapter Ten

  Five days pass in the blink of an eye as I get stuck into my studying. Declan and I dance around each other warily during those days, both of us polite and courteous, but both knowingly sneaking looks and somehow, making excuses to bump into or touching
each other. Every time his fingers graze mine, I feel it everywhere and want more. But I know this’ll never, should never, happen.

  I’m sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of books trying to get my head round a new topic while having my breakfast. I’m shovelling Lucky Charms down my throat as quick as I can as they’re Aiden’s and he hates when anyone steals them. But they are just so good though, and being American import they cost a fucking fortune over here. So I can’t really blame him.

  “What the hell Izzy? Are you eating my charms?”

  Shit, it’s Aiden, I didn’t hear him come in and now he’s caught me.

  “Ummm would you like me to eat your charms Aiden?” I wink at him, looking everywhere but his face. “By the way that was a stealth move, silent like a ninja.” I do a quick judo chop. “You pesky ninja’s get me every time.”

  “Ha ha very funny….gold dust Izzy,” he growls, pointing at the charms in my bowl. “Gold dust!” He walks over to the cupboard and dramatically removes his cereal box, returning my judo chop as he takes the box back upstairs with him.

  I know I should feel bad, but I don’t. Instead I shovel the rest of the bowl down and get back to my studying.

  I’ve forgotten all about my date with Connor until he phones to let me know what time he’s picking me up. I feel so shitty about this, so guilty. He’s got something planned for us and tells me he’s picking me up at eight. I have to say, despite my feelings for Declan, I get that nervous anticipation and am actually looking forward to seeing Connor tonight. To treat myself I decide to go shopping for a new outfit. My rapidly depleting car savings bearing the brunt of it. I’m past caring though. I find the most gorgeous black dress in the autumn sale in the high street, as well as a pair of silver high heeled sandals that criss-cross half-way up my calves. The dress is quite tight but not uncomfortably so. It only has a thick strap over one shoulder, the other one bare, very Grecian. I love it and can’t wait to get home to get ready. I wish Sofia was already here. She used to do my hair and make-up and we’d have a few glasses of wine before I went out on my dates. Her and Taylor got into the habit of staying in towards the end before they took off abroad. I can’t help but wonder what’s happened with them and their relationship. They’ve been together for six years so it had to be something bad, they’ve always been so tight. I think about all the things it could possibly be while I get ready for Connor. Singing along to ‘Centrefold’ by The J. Geils Band, whilst drinking copious amounts of wine as I continue to get ready. I look at myself in the mirror and can’t help but think Sofia would have done a better job. I’ve left my hair down but put a few small braids through one side. My make-up is smokey but subtle and I’ve covered myself in chunky silver jewellery. I pick up my purse and go downstairs to get a top up of wine and wait for Connor. While I’m filling up my glass I hear the doorbell, but as I move to go open the front door, I hear someone coming down the stairs to get to it before I do. Bollocks, it’s Declan, this is not a situation I wanted to happen. I rush out into the hallway where both lads are staring at me with open mouths. I need to get out of here pretty damn quick to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Actually. Too late for that.

  “Hey Connor, I’m ready to go,” I smile at him nervous for more reasons than he’s aware of. Connor stands there smiling at me, but it’s not an entirely comfortable smile, his eyes are narrowed half on Declan.

  Declan suddenly grabs my arm and looks over at Connor. “Sorry mate hang on a second,” he says this as he turns to me, “Izzy can I have a word?” He pulls me into the kitchen and closes the door behind us. He pushes me up against the door putting a hand on either side of my face boxing me in before he leans his face down close to mine. “You can’t go out with him Izzy, he’s not right for you, this…thing right here, well it’s not fucking right,” he sneers more at himself than at me.

  My blood begins to boil in my veins. “How do you know and frankly, why do you bloody care, huh… I’m single, Connor’s single and he plays no sodding games Declan…none.” I’ve lost it with him, shocking myself at what’s coming out of my mouth and the spite with which it’s said. “Oh and he’s gorgeous so I think this one is a win-win situation for me really.” Ha….I’m not quite sure what it is about Declan but he’s starting to bring out the feisty in me, which has been supressed for so long. I give him a sarcastic smile, which doesn’t last long as he looks at me completely crestfallen.

  “Izzy baby, I can’t watch you with him, it pisses me off and you’re meant to be mine,” he suddenly sounds fierce and any vulnerability that was there a second ago in his face has now completely gone.

  “Too bad Declan, you could’ve had me but you chose Lina so this is over right here, right now,” I retort.

  “But I didn’t Izzy, you don’t understand…I need to explain…”

  I manage to get away from under his arm and open the door before he says anything that’ll make me want to stay. Connor’s still standing in the hallway looking slightly pissed off with his hand on the door handle waiting for me. Waiting to escape this madness that’s descended on us all.

  “Everything okay Izzy?” he asks me, whilst looking in the direction of the kitchen, waiting for Declan to come after me I’m sure.

  “Yeah of course it is Connor, let’s get out of here shall we?” I literally push him through the door before Declan manages to completely ruin everything for me. Yet I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness at his words and the look on his face in the kitchen.

  Connor takes my hand as we walk together in silence down the road. My cold small hand dwarfed in his large warm one.

  “So where are we going,” I ask him trying to lighten the mood and change the subject.

  “Do you and your housemate have something going on?” he asks, which is not at all what I was expecting.

  I sigh and take a heavy breath. “No Connor, Declan and I are complicated, we met, we had a connection, one that didn’t work. I don’t know what else to tell you….that’s all I’ve got for you.”

  “Am I wasting my time with you Izzy, I need to know because I feel a connection with you, but I’m not stupid, I can see something’s happened and has been left unresolved back there.”

  I look up at him and I know this guy deserves the truth. He has a guarded look but at the same time, he looks concerned for me. How can this amazing man, who I barely know, treat me like I’m something important already? Does he give himself so freely and easily…does he trust his heart so much that the thought of it getting hurt doesn’t cross his mind? I stop and turn to him, reaching up for his face with my hands.

  “I want to give us a try Connor, but I would totally understand it if you want to stop here, we haven’t really begun yet and I want to be honest with you from the start. This Declan thing, well I don’t know what it is but he’s very special to me and yes I have feelings for him. But I really like you and I’m attracted to you…very much so.” I’m not sure if that made any sense to him, but saying it out loud, I realize that Declan came into my life at a time when I was at my most vulnerable and despite it being brief he made such an impression, had such an impact that when it didn’t come to anything it left a void. I’m not entirely sure if Connor is the one to fill it, but I know I don’t want to hurt him in the process of finding out.

  “How about this Izzy, we just spend some time together, no pressure and take it from there, what do you say?” he smiles at me.

  I smile back at him. “I’d say that I’m not sure I deserve you but yes I’d like that very much.”

  He leans down and gently places a kiss on my cheek, then he pulls away, keeping my hand in his and we continue our walk into town. He takes me to this tiny restaurant in the Crooked House; it’s quite dark in here. There are no electric lights; it’s lit up purely by candles. There are only ten tables, all scattered, making it feel very intimate. It’s very romantic but homely at the same time. The shadows of small naked flames flickering, reflecting lights that play upon the faces of anim
ated diners. As we eat Connor has me in stitches of laughter, he’s got a great sense of humour, I have tears running down my cheeks and there’s been snorting as he tells me one story after the other of random events that have happened to him over the years.

  “So Connor, tell me, what’s your biggest passion in life?” I ask him as I think this is one of the most telling questions you can ask someone to fully understand them.

  “Football, no question. I’ve always loved the game and I’ve played it ever since I could stand upright on my own two feet,” he laughs as he continues. “I was convinced I’d make it professionally but yeah, that didn’t happen. So I became a coach instead; ‘those who can’t - teach’…isn’t that what they say?” he winks at me and I laugh. “No, seriously, I love teaching kids the game and the discipline; getting them away from the telly and active again.”

  I beam at him for being so nonchalant about his brilliance. “I have so much respect for you Connor. You found something that makes you happy so you made it so. Those kids are pretty lucky to have someone like you. I bet you teach with passion and that’s the best teacher you can possibly have,” I say to him and he looks at me all embarrassed.

  “Hey stop it or I won’t get my head through the doorway when we’re done here,” he laughs reaching over gently stroking his knuckles across my cheek. “So Izzy, enough about me, tell me something about you that will shock me,” he asks, as he tops up my wine.

  So many things spring to mind but most of them would completely ruin the nice and relaxed mood of this date.

  “Hmm well, I had three years of crazy at college. I can tell you that during one year my hair had every colour of the rainbow. Orange probably being the least appealing out of the lot of them,” I laugh, as does he. “I will say though, that this particular shade of orange was not intentional and I had to cut it out in the end, it was pretty disgusting.”