All About Us

by Ashley Erin

  “Fuck!” Tears start as I lay on the ground, Lia and Alex crouched around me.

  “Dammit! Emma just let me help you!” Alex’s voice is harsh and I cry harder, curling into myself.

  “Dude.” Lia scolds Alex. She turns away from him, her expression changing to one of empathy. “Come on Em, I will help you get ready for bed.” Lia and Alex pick me up off the ground for the second time in 24 hours and she leads me into the house. Normally I would be embarrassed, but by this point in the day, I guess I should expect it.

  Once inside, she helps me change, cringing every time I cry out in pain and apologizing for every flinch and every whimper. “Lia, it is fine. The physical pain is easy to manage.”

  Finally I am in shorts and a tank top, tucked in bed with Chloe by my side.

  “I know that you want to shut down, I see the struggle in your eyes and I understand why. Emma, please resist. You’ve made so much progress and things will work out.” Lia pleads with me but I can’t think about anything but escaping just for a little while. I should tell her I am resisting. That my mind no longer allows me to fully shut down no matter how hard I try, but I’m too tired. Letting the heaviness in my eyes pull them closed, I fall asleep without responding.

  My bedroom door slamming open wakes me from a restless sleep and I sit up to a seething Alex. He stalks over to me, pulls his elbow back and punches me with a mean right hook. As soon as I saw him, I knew what was coming. I deserve it.

  “If you need to, hit me again.” Standing, I face him straight on and wait.

  “You deserved that one, but I think another is uncalled for. What are you going to do to fix this?” Crossing his arms, he cocks his eyebrow and looks at me expectantly.

  “I’m still working on that, any suggestions?” Pursing his lips he shakes his head. That has been the consensus of the day. I’m on my own to fix this mess. “I’m guessing you’re here because you found her.”

  “I did.”

  “How is she?”

  “Honestly, if I didn’t suspect that you are innocent in all of this I wouldn’t tell you, but you’re just an idiot.” He fills me in and horror fills me. Legs weak, I sit on my bed as he goes into detail after detail about bruises, broken wrist and the emptiness fighting to return. The only hope I have is that Alex said as much as she tried to shut down, it never quite reached her eyes.

  “I can’t believe I did it again. I promised I wouldn’t.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” With that Alex leaves my room.

  By the time Jesse meets me outside of Emma’s house; I’ve already laid out the lumber and pounded the posts in. There has been no movement from her window and despite my hopes that she would come and talk to me; I know it’s going to take more than me hanging outside of her house to get through to her.

  “Shit, did you even sleep last night?” Jesse’s eyes scan my face, taking in the bags from tossing and turning all night. Jesse doesn’t know what happened with Emma and I’m too ashamed to tell him.

  “Not really.” It’s not fair to him, but I am miserable. My tone is all business and instead of continuing mindless chatter we get to work.

  The new pen is finished within a couple of hours and Arwen is now exploring her new space. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Alex helping Emma down the porch and to the car.

  She is favoring her left leg and the white of the cast on her left wrist peeks out from her sleeve. Even from a distance, I can see the pain in her eyes. Her head snaps up and she stares in my direction as I take a step towards them. Agony fills her face before she quickly hardens into a look of indifference and turns away, getting into the passenger side of Alex’s car.

  “Alright, what the hell is going on?” Jesse moves to stand in front of me, arms crossed in front of him and his best stern face glaring at me. Running my hand through my hair, I lean against the fence and watch Arwen. The words begin to flow and he stands there silently, listening. A muscle ticks in his jaw when I tell him how I let Yvette into the house, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “I don’t even know what to say to you man. I thought you were smarter than that.” Shaking his head, he walks away.

  “So did I.” Pushing off the fence, I head to the house pausing as I step inside at the sound of Lia and Ryan talking.

  “She really wants to go to their gravesite, but feels it would be an imposition on everyone.” Hope finds its way into my shame as I realize they are talking about Emma. Creeping closer, I listen to see if I can figure something out to fix this.

  “Why would she think that?” Ryan is so concrete about his dedication to people he cares about that it would never even register for him to consider it an imposition to fly to British Columbia for a memorial.

  “It’s far, plus all the animals. She wanted all of us there.”

  Pushing into the kitchen, Lia and Ryan both narrow their eyes at me. “Seriously? Enough is enough. I get that I fucked up, but are you going to punish me and in the process punish Emma? Or are you finally going to realize the sooner you help me the sooner she won’t be hurt anymore?” I accepted their anger, justified it even, but knowing what Emma wants and that we can give it to her. That is more important.

  “Damn, he’s right. What are we doing? Besides, Emma can dish out punishment as she sees fit.” Ryan grins at his last remark.

  It’s time to get to work. I need to make this right.

  “Good morning Sunshine.” Alex laughs as I stumble into the kitchen and hands me a cup of coffee. Five days have passed since my accident and I’m no longer limping. The bruises have faded from a deep purple to a hideous yellow green. Soon the only trace of what happened will be the cast on my wrist and the broken pieces of my heart. “I figured we were still boycotting breakfast, so it’s in the oven.”

  “Just until after Tuesday. Dr. Hughes said to tackle one thing at a time, and my parent’s memorial takes precedent.” Alex tracked down Dr. Hughes after the first three days of me being near comatose as I battled internally with how to deal. At one point I screamed for Alex to hire a realtor; that we were selling and moving far away.

  After that rash decision he made me sit down for a Skype therapy session. It really helped, and while the pain is still there I have a functioning and somewhat rational brain again. “Are you sure it’s a good idea for us to go see them? What about everyone else?”

  Yesterday Dane had stopped by as he has every day since he built Arwen’s pen and I avoided him, leaving Alex to fend him off. Alex found me curled up on the couch, arms wrapped around Chloe and suggested we take off to do what I really want and that is to see them.

  “Yes! Now stop worrying. That’s all taken care of.” He looks at me and I brace myself for what’s next. It’s the same every morning. “When we get back what are you going to do about Dane? He isn’t going to give up and that says a lot.”

  “I know, he’s persistent. I don’t really know.” Alex opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “I know what you think and I’ve taken it into consideration. I’m processing.” Everyone has told me to talk to him.

  Talk.

  Talk.

  Talk.

  I know this. I’m not stupid, I should have stayed and kicked her ass and then his before listening to him. Yet my flight instinct took over. I’m not overly proud and now I’m mostly embarrassed. Hindsight is twenty-twenty yet it doesn’t strip away what seeing him pressed against that wall with her hand running down his chest did to my heart.

  “Moving on. I get it. I’ve booked our flight to Vancouver and the car is rented. We should be set to be there for early in the afternoon.”

  “Thanks Alex.”

  “Thanks Alex what?” Lia walks in and gives me a hug. “I heard breakfast was in the oven and thought it might be nice not to cook.”

  “Emma and I are flying to Vancouver on Monday.” Alex pulls out a breakfast casserole from the oven, quickly serving Lia and I as we drool over the delicious aroma.

  “Oh my God! This
is so good.” Lia groans as she takes a bite out of Alex’s concoction and I barely resist laughing at the look he gives her. She continues on, oblivious to him until he leaves the room. “What the hell?” We flinch as he slams his door.

  Covering my mouth as I continue to hold in my laughter, tears flowing down my cheeks. “I think he is a little . . . ummm . . . sexually charged.” Her eyes widen as she processes what I’m getting at and she blushes.

  “Well, he better take care of that.” Lia picks up her fork and silently starts to eat again, watching me from the corner of her eyes. Thankful for the break in my own drama, I contemplate teasing her, but instead I decide to see if my hunch is right.

  “I’m not really hungry, I’m going to go run with the horses and play with Arwen.” Getting up, I put my breakfast in the fridge and slip into my boots. Chuckling to myself about Lia and Alex pretending their chemistry doesn’t exist, I walk right into Dane as I turn from shutting my door. The impact on my wrist sends shooting pain up my arm and black spots fill my eyesight. Cradling my arm into my chest, I clench my jaw and fight the urge to cry.

  “Shit, Emma, I’m sorry. You should sit down.” Dane’s voice is soft, gentle and sends pangs right into my gut.

  “I’m fine, really. I need to go.” Avoiding his gaze, I scoot around him and run to my horses. The echo of his sad sigh replaying over and over.

  Watching him from the corner of my eye, I see him ride away on Charger. Berating myself for being a coward, I start jogging to clear my head.

  Am I being unreasonable? I believe Alex and Lia when they say nothing happened. In that moment, my fears and my anxiety got the best of me, but as I dwell on it, I know I overreacted. As much as I want to talk to him, to move past it . . . I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed that I’m not as strong as I once was. How could he let her in and how could I not defend what I love?

  A nudging in my back brings my awareness to my surroundings. I’m no longer running and Arwen is standing behind me. Wait? What?

  “Pretty girl. How did you get in here?” Cooing, I stroke her neck and examine the fence. It’s still intact. “Oh boy. You’re going to be a fence jumper.”

  Grabbing some brushes, I make the rounds and play with my horses. They help bring a calmness I’ve been needing lately. The nightmares have continued to get better, despite everything yet during the day I have periods where I can barely breathe. I know it’s from trying to suppress my feelings, compartmentalize them into neat boxes when nothing is neat and tidy about the tirade of emotions I feel constantly all day. Regret, embarrassment, anger, sadness, even happiness at times. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with myself.

  Looking to the sky, I search for a feeling, a sign that my parents and Grandpa might be listening. “I miss you all so much. I want to be able to talk with you, rejoice with you. Why were you taken from me so soon? I don’t have my shit together like I thought I did.” My hand stills as I speak.

  “Sometimes the bad needs to happen to make room for the good.” Spinning at the familiar voice, a joyful sob breaks out of my chest at the sight of Juliette standing on the other side of the fence. Dropping the brush, I run to her and climb the fence.

  Walking into her open arms feels like piecing part of me back together. “Where is Darren?” My voice is muffled, my face buried into her. Comfort washing over me as I enjoy her embrace.

  “He is smacking some sense into that son of ours.” Juliette’s protective voice makes me laugh.

  “Can he give him a couple extra for me?” Her laugh is like honey, soft and sweet.

  “Now let me look at you.” She pushes me gently away and scans me, a frown lighting her face. “Well despite your accident, you look better than the last time I saw you.”

  “I’m sorry about that . . .” Guilt. It’s always there.

  “Darling, you need to learn it is okay to struggle. It’s okay to protect yourself, but you ever pull away from us like that again and there will be consequences.” Her voice is stern and I nod meekly.

  Smiling, I climb back into the pasture and collect my brushes. “I know. I’m seeing a therapist and it is helping.” Admitting to that gets easier every time, especially when the look of support is there instead of pity.

  “I’m glad. Well, I need to round up my children. I hear you’re going back out to B.C. so make sure you come over for dinner when you get back.” Juliette gives me a final squeeze and I’m glad that Alex talked me out of listing this place.

  “I will.”

  My suitcase sits on the hotel room bed, open. Clothes are strewn over the bed, some onto the floor and a few chucked across the room.

  August 20th. One year since I lost my parents. A month before my grandfather passed away. The day that my world went spinning out of control. I’m not ready for today.

  “Emma. Deep breaths. What you wear doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it fucking matters. I don’t know why it does. I know it makes no sense, but it absolutely matters.” He grabs my hands in his and pulls me into a hug. His arms are tight, exactly what I need to help release the tension.

  “Okay. Okay.” The warmth of his hug helps calm me a bit.

  “Can you pick for me? I can’t do it.” He releases me and looks through my clothes. “I’m so stupid, I want Dane here and I spent so much time avoiding him. He quit coming by, I would be tired of trying too.”

  Alex gives me his big brother glare and hands me a simple black sleeveless dress. It has a subtle scoop neckline, and sits around my knees. It’s perfect. “Emma, you reacted in the moment. There is no right or wrong in those situations. As for the rest of it, just deal with it day by day. Let’s get through today first.”

  Taking the dress from him, he rests a hand on my shoulder and looks at me compassionately. Giving him a small smile, I close myself into the bathroom and get ready.

  Holy shit. It’s been a whirlwind trying to get this set up, but we accomplished it.

  Emma’s family’s gravesite is on the outer edge of the graveyard, and it has been decorated with an assortment of calla lilies, baby’s breath and morning glory’s.

  The enclosed gazebo intended for gatherings such as these is set up with tables of food, more flowers and soft twinkly lights behind sheer curtains.

  Alex told me that Emma was not happy with the funeral. She had hoped it would be more of a celebration of life. That is what she is going to get. We all chipped in to make this everything she had hoped. Alex created a slideshow and each of us is going to give our favorite memories of William, Ben and Katie. Mom and Lia cooked amazing treats. Dad and Ryan made a rustic picture frame and we all contributed to the photos now encased in it.

  The selection of guests is exactly what Emma wanted, close and intimate.

  Checking my phone for the time just as it vibrates with a text.

  Alex: We’re on our way.

  Me: Okay. Should I leave?

  Alex: No.

  Hope fills me as I walk around everything one final time. It was hard to leave without fixing things with Emma, but this is more important.

  The sound of gravel crunching under car tires alerts us to their arrival. Mom hooks her arm in mine and walks out with me. I’m proud as I examine the close group of people here to remember three wonderful people. Alex told me to keep it to my family and Jesse if he was able to come. We added Ashton as he has begun to spend time with our group as well.

  The seven of us stand, waiting for Emma and Alex. And the look on her face as she takes us in is priceless. Shock is replaced by a shaky smile that she graces each of us with, even me. Alex holds her hand as they walk up to us and she is enveloped in a group of people who love her unconditionally.

  “I can’t believe you are all here. This is exactly what I wanted. Thank you.” Emma’s voice caresses my heart and all I want is to pull her into my arms. Holding myself back, I bask in the smile she sends my way before her attention is returned to someone talking to her. That one smile fills me with hope.

  “We
should get started. Emma, I know you had prepared something to say to your family. Would you like us to wait inside while you do that or do you want our company?” Mom steps in and gets us back on track.

  “You can stay. I’m going to do this right this time.” Tears already thicken her voice. I move to stand next to Lia, fisting my hands to resist the urge to wrap my arms around Emma.

  “It’s been a year and not a day goes by that there isn’t something that I want to share with you. Growing up, all I needed was you three. Everyone else was a bonus and when you were taken from me, I realized just how lucky I was. This will never get any easier, but I want you to know that I love you. I also want to thank you for helping build a family that I could turn to. Without being able to come home to them, well I can’t imagine how difficult my life would be. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  Everyone is dabbing their eyes, even Dad, as Emma kneels down on the ground. Her cheeks are red and streaked with tears, but her eyes blaze with determination. She doubts her strength but for everyone looking at her in this moment, it shines from her.

  Emma continues to speak softly, and out of respect I lead everyone except Alex to the gazebo. Standing in the entrance, I watch him help her up and walk with her towards us.

  “That should be me.” I say as Lia steps up beside me to watch them. Emma smiles at something Alex said. “At least when she looks at me, it’s not a hardened expression void of emotion.” Lia squeezes my arm comfortingly, I’m thankful that she doesn’t say something to remind me it’s my fault I’m not out there.

  “We should get the slideshow ready.” Nodding, I follow her. Lia loads the slide show and hands me the remote as Emma and Alex enter the gazebo. I’m pretty sure I see Emma say ‘wow’ as she looks around. Alex guides her to the table we have set up in the center and she sits down.