My Body-Mine

by Blakely Bennett

  “Like who?” Chase asked.

  “Let’s see … My newest love is Alex Clare. I also really love to run to Breaking Benjamin and Phoenix. MGMT, Ill Niño, and Incubus are fun too.”

  “Wow,” Chase said, and leaned back.

  “Oh and Florence and the Machine, Feist, and La Roux. Those are just some off the top of my head.”

  “How about Crossfade, My Chemical Romance, Puddle of Mudd?” he asked.

  “Puddle of Mudd?” Parker said, her nose scrunched up in disgust.

  “You like them?” I asked, finding it hard to believe we could have so much in common. I added, “Love Crossfade, their Falling Away CD is great and My Chemical Romance does one of my all-time favorite songs.”

  “Which one?” Chase asked.

  “ ‘The Ghost of You’. I must have listened to that one song at least a hundred times when I first heard it.”

  “You are dark,” Chase said, giving me the little smile with the secretive edge. His sparkling hazel eyes gave him away.

  “Just a bit,” I said, smiling.

  “ ‘Control’ by Puddle of Mudd?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said, with as straight a face as I could manage. “So it’s like that for you?”

  “There’s so much you don’t know about me.” The challenge in his expression hit me at a visceral level, migrating quickly to my nipples and clit.

  I crossed my arms over my breasts, wishing I’d had the sense to wear the jeans and shirt with a thick bra. Needing to shift the direction of the conversation, I asked, “Your favorites?”

  Somehow he understood and winked at me. “This might strike you as odd but my all-time favorite is by Queen and David Bowie—”

  “Did Parker tell you this?”

  “Tell me what?” Chase said at the same time Parker said, “Tell him what?”

  Andre laughed but both Parker and Chase stared at me intently.

  “Did you tell Chase what my favorite song is?”

  “Of course not. It hasn’t come up in conversation.” She shrugged.

  “ ‘Under Pressure’ is your favorite song?” I asked, turning to face him.

  “It is.”

  “What are the odds?” I said.

  “It’s a great song.”

  “That’s true. Huh.” Not sure how to wrap my brain around this new bit of information, I resolved not to over think it.

  The server brought our drinks and I took a sip of wine. Wanting to visit the bathroom before the music started, I said, “Could you let me out?” Chase scooted around and I took my purse and followed his lead. “Bathroom?”

  “I can show you,” he said.

  “Okaaaay,” I said, drawing out the word.

  “We should hurry,” he said, grasping my hand.

  “Okay,” I said again. My nipples hardened over the contact.

  He led me past another, separate room filled with tables and patrons. The back wall of glass featured a luscious garden on the far side. My eyes swept over Chase’s butt and I wondered if his ass indented on the sides. I chuckled inwardly at myself and my wandering mind.

  Releasing my hand in front of the women’s bathroom he said, “See you back here in a sec.”

  “Thanks,” I said and pushed through the door.

  Finishing up in the stall, I stepped over to the sink and washed my hands. I heard the music begin so I quickly checked my appearance and headed out.

  “Come on,” he said, dragging me along with him. “I don’t want to miss their first song.”

  It had been a long time since I had strolled hand and hand with another person. I tried to ignore how comfortably my hand fit in his. I liked being with Chase and I hoped we could be friends, despite all the chemistry and attraction that churned between us.

  Once seated, I lifted my glass of wine and took a few sips as I focused on the band, trying to concentrate on the music and not the distracting noise in my head.

  What are the odds that his favorite song could be the same as mine? A song from the early 1980s, no less. So much for not over thinking.

  The song shifted to a poppy jazz number and Chase dashed out of the booth, catching my hand as he went.

  “Hey,” I said, resisting his efforts to pull me to my feet.

  “Let’s dance.”

  “To this?”

  “I’ll show you,” he said, drawing me toward him.

  “Okay, okay,” I said, shifting around to get out of the booth.

  The tiny square of a dance floor stood off to the side of the stage. The otherwise empty space put us in the spotlight, and I flushed in embarrassment. Chase, however, moved with ease, and I soon relaxed, managing to keep up and be swept away in the dance. Whenever he led me quickly from one position to the next, I couldn’t help giggling. When the song finished, a slower one began and he guided me back to our booth.

  “I didn’t know you could dance like that,” Parker said to me.

  “I can’t,” I said, laughing. “It was all him.”

  “Just because you never danced like that before doesn’t mean you can’t. You did,” Chase said, touching my arm.

  “I don’t think there is much brilliance in following a strong lead. Thanks for the dance. I had fun.”

  “Me too.” He stared deeply into my eyes and I had to will myself to pull away. I noticed that another glass of wine had been brought in my absence. I picked it up and took a long sip as I tried to lose myself in the slow number.

  After the band played three more songs, they took a break. I had consumed another full glass of wine and felt rather tipsy.

  “Care to go for a walk?” Chase asked me.

  I needed something in my stomach to absorb the wine so I said, “Let’s order some food first so it will be here when we get back.”

  “Great idea. What would you like?”

  “What’s good?”

  “Are we talking appetizers or—”

  “Appetizers.”

  “My favorites are either the stuffed crab artichoke or the Asian calamari.”

  “I’m a fan of Calamari. What makes it Asian?”

  “The sweet chili sauce and lime sour cream.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  After ordering, Chase led me out the back door where the tables lining the garden’s nooks and crannies had more privacy. The garden I glimpsed through the glass wall turned out to be surprisingly extensive. The restaurant abutted a park and we strolled silently along the lighted path. My eyes kept wandering to his hand, wondering if he’d grasp mine.

  I pulled on my sweater against the chill and finally broke the silence, the wine freeing my tongue. “You were in my dream last night.”

  “Oh really?” he asked, raising one of his pointed eyebrows.

  “Not like that!” I laughed and bumped his shoulder with mine.

  “Okay, so what was it like?” He held his palm out, indicating a bench along the trail.

  I eased down and said, “Well you should know I have a rather wacky dream life, and my dreams are rarely sweet.”

  “Noted. I wasn’t some sort of monster, was I?”

  “Sort of,” I said but smiled. “It took place at my house on the beach—”

  “You have a house on the beach? I thought you lived with Marcello. Is his house on the beach?”

  “Yes … no … I mean, it’s complicated.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “The house on the beach belongs to Luke and me.”

  “The one he kicked you out of?”

  “You know about that as well?”

  He shrugged.

  Daunted by all he knew about me, I wished he would forget the fuck-ups in my life. Why couldn’t he know about the good things instead?

  “Yes, but technically—or I should say legally—it still belongs to both of us.”

  “Is it far from here?”

  “Not really.”

  “And the dream?”

  I retold the dream in its entirety, or as much as I could recall
. I shared that we lived together and at the party outside on the deck, I didn’t recognize anyone. How he morphed into someone else and I ran away into the house, locking myself into my writing room, and that Luke finally came knocking on the door.

  “So we were a couple in the dream?”

  “That’s what you took away from what I shared?” I shook my head and punched his shoulder.

  “Hey,” he said, rubbing his arm as if it actually hurt. “Well that’s the good part of it anyway.” He shrugged in a way that said, I’m just a guy and what do you expect?

  “I had just been to the house so it’s not surprising that I dreamed about it.”

  “But you were surprised to have me in it?”

  “Not really. My mind tends to pull out all kinds of shit from my day.”

  “I’m shit now?”

  “Oops, I meant ‘stuff’ from my day. I kind of have a potty mouth.”

  As if adding to his imaginary list he wrote in the air and said, “Potty mouth woman whom I need permission to accost.” He placed his imaginary pencil in his chest pocket.

  “You’re an odd one,” I said, my lips twitching in an effort to hold back a grin. In that moment, I wished I could go back a year and start over. Trying to avoid such dangerous thoughts, I added, “I don’t watch much television and I tend to shy away from violence in movies. That stuff creeps into my dreams, like you did.” I laughed.

  “Thanks a lot!” he said with faux indignation and laughed along with me. “Is Luke living there now?”

  “No, nobody is.”

  “Why don’t you live there? Andre said you were staying at Marcello’s to get back on your feet.”

  “It’s a long, complicated story.”

  “As you keep saying, but I think I’m capable of keeping up.”

  “Maybe someday. Right now it’s still too humiliating.”

  “Okay, but I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

  “Thanks,” I said, meaning it.

  He stood and reached for me. I stared at the palm held out in invitation. Why did I find the hair on his wrist fascinating? I stood, slid my hand comfortably into his, and we strolled together to the club entrance.

  Another glass of wine waited for me along with the calamari we had ordered. Both Parker and Andre sat eating their dinners.

  I should have left the glass of wine alone but instead enjoyed it along with the food.

  Parker leaned over and whispered into my ear, “How’s it going?”

  “Fine,” I said, not quite getting her meaning. “This is a nice place and the band is good too.”

  “He’s a good guy, you know.”

  “It’s not like that, Parker.”

  “From the looks of it, it’s any way you’d like it to be.”

  “We’re just friends and he understands that.”

  “You guys look great together and you should’ve seen your face when you danced.”

  “Parker, Marcello and I are involved and I have made a commitment to him. I like Chase just fine, but only as a friend.”

  “Jane,” she said mimicking the tone of my response, “I have known you a long time and I see what’s really going on. I think it’s great that you’re loyal, but just remember it’s your life and you can change your mind.”

  “Hmmpf,” I snorted and took another sip of wine and ate more of the delicious calamari dipped in the sweet sauce and sour cream.

  Chase reached out, wiped the corner of my mouth and licked his finger. A steamy current of attraction swelled between us, drowning out all the sounds but our deeper breathing.

  “Can I get out?” I asked, abruptly popping the bubble of intimacy that encompassed us.

  “Sure,” he said, a chord of confusion in his voice. He moved around the booth and I hurried to the bathroom.

  As I washed my hands I admonished myself in the mirror. “No more wine for you, girlfriend!” I stuck my tongue out at my reflection. “And behave yourself, will you?”

  “Did you say something?” a woman said as she entered the bathroom.

  “Sorry, just talking to myself. It’s a rather bad habit of mine,” I said. I left the room quickly, but then stopped just short of the door. I took a deep breath, wishing I hadn’t consumed so much wine. Getting away from the café and Chase would have to wait until I could safely drive home.

  I could hear the second set beginning.

  By the time I returned to our table, Parker and Andre had changed seats. “Musical chairs?” I said to Chase as I passed him and took my place. Forgoing the wine, I drank water.

  “Having fun?” Andre asked, leaning in close so I could hear him over the music.

  “Yeah, the band is great. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “I’m pretty sure Chase invited you.”

  “Right, well … I took it as a group invite. It’s wonderful to see you with Parker. You guys seem like a good fit.”

  “The best. Listen, I had hoped to have a chance to talk to you about something.”

  Something in his voice caused my stomach to clinch, and I held my breath.

  “Chase said you were upset that he knew about things that happened to you. That’s wholly my fault and not Parker’s. I didn’t have the foresight, and probably should have, that we’d all know one another at some point. Parker confided in me as a friend months ago when we first started to date.”

  “Yeah, I know your first date was cut short because—”

  He placed his hand on mine and said, “It’s all okay. I just don’t want you to be upset with Parker or Chase.”

  “Okay,” I said, feeling uncomfortable but forcing a smile.

  “Chase is a great man and the best friend you could ask for. He tends to be attracted to damsels in distress and I worry—”

  I yanked my hand away and placed it in my lap. “I’m neither a damsel nor in distress and I’ve been very clear with Chase that I’m only available for friendship. Maybe you ought to speak to him? He’s the one chasing me.”

  The music slowed and then paused between songs. I could again hear the clinking of cutlery and glasses and the murmuring of voices.

  Andre lowered his voice and said, “Jane, honestly, I’m not trying to offend you. Chase is like a brother to me and he has been taken advantage of in the past. I don’t want to see him hurt again.”

  Thankfully Parker jumped in because my anger had started running up my neck, making my ears hot. “She’s not the type to take advantage of anyone, Andre. Have you not been paying attention? It was the other way around.”

  The next song started, which helped, because my voice raised in anger came across as just carrying above the music. “No one is taking advantage of me and I’m not taking advantage of anyone else. I can see you care about Chase but this conversation is really starting to piss me off.” I pulled my sweater tightly around myself, trying to calm down. I took a couple of deep breaths, staring into my wine glass.

  Chase touched my shoulder and said, “You okay?”

  His concern melted away some of my anger. Andre had merely set out to protect his best friend, but I was still irked by his impressions of me.

  “Yeah, I will be in a sec,” I said, glancing his way. The compassion on his face made me want to cry. Would I ever get to live past the choices I had made with regard to Luke and my life? Or would that decision forever rear its ugly head, embarrassing the hell out of me? I thought of the Jackson Browne song, “These Days.” I loved his lyrics but the version in my head went, “Pointing out all my poor choices is completely unnecessary. They’re always with me.”

  “Andre?” Chase said across me.

  “Jane, I’m sorry. I … didn’t go about saying what I wanted to say to you … in the best manner.”

  “I think I get the point,” I said, staring straight ahead. Calling a cab to take me home bubbled to the surface of my thoughts.

  The music continued to blare as the wine and my recent upset mixed an unpleasant brew within me. I needed some air. “Please let me
out,” I whispered to Chase, grabbing my purse.

  “Are you leaving?” he asked before he stood to let me out.

  “Yes, and thank you very much for inviting me,” I said, gently elbowing his shoulder, feeling trapped. I thought of the beach where the breeze in my hair could blow away the stench of my past. I wanted to transport myself onto the sand right at that moment.

  “Jane, I don’t think you should drive,” he said as he stood. He held out his hand to me.

  “Neither do I. I’m going to call a cab.”

  “Let me drive you home.”

  Taking his hand and standing up I said, “Don’t cut your evening short on my account. I need some fresh air and will wait outside. Thanks again.”

  “I’m coming with,” he said.

  Circling around to the other side of the table I said, “I’m going to take off.”

  “Jane, I—” Parker started.

  “Really, I’m fine. I’m just ready to call it a night. Let’s talk tomorrow?”

  “Okay. Andre didn’t mean to—”

  I smiled slightly and said, “I know.” She stood and we hugged. “Bye, Andre,” I said over her shoulder.

  When I reached the door, Chase caught up with me. “Free to travel,” he said.

  “It’s really not necessary,” I said, but the last thing I really wanted was to be left alone to lick my reopened wounds.

  “Necessary or not, I want to,” he said, opening the door for me. “I can drive your car and take a cab back here from your place.”

  “Absolutely not! I can deal with my car tomorrow.”

  “Okay!” He held up his palms in surrender. “You can be rather pushy you know.”

  “You mean like insisting you’ll drive me home?”

  “Yeah, just like,” he said, laughing. I couldn’t help but join him.

  “How would you feel about driving by the beach first?” I asked.

  “Love the idea. The temp is perfect for it.”

  My mood instantly lifted. “Indeed. I’d love the wind to blow off the evening,” I said, the wine causing me to be a little too frank.

  “That bad, huh? He means well.”

  “How do you know it’s not you? Rather sure of yourself, aren’t you?”