My Body-Mine

by Blakely Bennett

I decided then and there that some alien must have taken over the person I had known my whole life, because the woman in front of me did not resemble my mother. Not in dress or personality. She had even changed her hairstyle and wore dangly earrings, making her appear softer and younger overall. Then it dawned on me, she must be getting laid.

  “I’m at a loss for words, mother.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Well, your voice sounds the same, but I don’t recognize the woman in front of me.”

  “Let’s get some lunch,” she said, grabbing my elbow and leading me into the restaurant.

  I glanced down at her hand, as though some tentacle might sprout there.

  After being seated she asked, “What are you having?”

  “Just a side salad. I’m going for a run after lunch.”

  “Okay, would you care for a glass of wine?”

  “Just water for me, thanks.”

  After the server left I said, “Who is he?”

  “How do you know it’s a he?” She actually laughed.

  My mother laughing? I must have been dreaming. I shook my head in disbelief. Laughing as well, I said, “Or her?”

  “Jane, I’m in love. Do you know how long it’s been?”

  “No, Mom. A long time, I imagine.” Oh my god.

  “Thirty years.”

  “Wow … wow. You look at least ten years younger, so it must be a good thing. I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”

  “You just haven’t seen me happy in a long time,” she said, reaching across the table and touching my hand.

  I’m not sure I had ever seen her happy. I looked down at the hand that held mine and said, “So do I get to meet this person?”

  “I’d like that a lot, but right now I need more time before I’m ready to … what does your generation say? Be out with it?”

  I stifled more laughter, which threatened to turn into hysteria. So she is involved with a woman. Holy shit. “I understand, Mom. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

  “She’s really an amazing woman who has opened my eyes to a most important fact about life.”

  “And what is that?”

  “That life isn’t over.”

  My eyes filled up. Was this the mother who had tended me the first few years of my life, before the relationship between my mother and father soured? My mother a lesbian? Life continued to take me on a strange and twisted odyssey. My mother’s heart had been opened again. I wondered if that would ever fully happen for me.

  “What happened to you actually helped me,” she said.

  “With Luke?” I said, glancing up in question.

  “I had almost lost you and I felt helpless. Georgia listened to me. She also can be rather forceful and says what’s on her mind. She told me flat out, months before any attraction started between us, that I was a cold woman and pushed people away. I didn’t talk to her for several weeks after that.”

  My mouth hung open, but no words came out.

  “I finally gave in because I missed her friendship, and then I had to admit she was right. I pushed you away as well. She’s the one who encouraged me to pick up the phone and call you.”

  “I’m stunned, Mom, and completely elated for you.” I squeezed her hand before hurrying to the bathroom. I closed the toilet seat and sat down. Tears flooded my eyes for my mother and the thirty years she had lost to anger and regret. I blessed this new woman I had yet to meet. If my mother could change, then maybe my future could still right itself. Her happiness left me hopeful and encouraged about what might still come.

  I washed my hands and splashed water on my face. Back at the table, I settled into my seat and said, “I have some news as well.”

  “Oh?” my mother said.

  “I’m about to be published.”

  “Now it’s my turn to say, ‘wow.’ You must be thrilled.”

  “Mostly excited but it’s also scary.”

  “That makes sense, Jane. Whenever you risk putting yourself out there to be judged by others, fear is a normal response. I’m so proud of you. What is the book about?”

  “It’s called Falling Through The Rabbit Hole.”

  “So you wrote about your time with Luke?”

  “Yes,” I said and took a sip of water. Placing the glass down I said, “Will you promise me something?”

  “Anything,” she said. She made solid eye contact with me.

  “Don’t ever read it, please.”

  My mother, that new person sitting in front of me, wore an expression of such compassion I wanted to jump up and hug her. “Okay, Jane, I won’t. For both our sakes.”

  “Thank you, Mom.” We sat lost in our own thoughts for a few minutes as we ate our lunch. “So tell me more about Georgia,” I finally said.

  That lunch was the best time I could ever remember having with my mother. She gushed over Georgia, who turned out to be ten years her junior. They spent their days and nights together, and for the first time in my mother’s life she had started exercising—taking daily walks with Georgia—and she had actually quit smoking. I left the restaurant completely stupefied by my mother’s disclosures and looking forward to seeing her again.

  * * * *

  Arriving at the beach ten minutes early, I had plenty of time to change into my running clothes.

  “So was it brutal?” Chase asked as he approached.

  I bent over, stretching out my lower back and responding from between my legs, “Just the opposite.” I rose up and turned to face Chase.

  He embraced me in a warm hug and said, “That’s cool. And a surprise, I’m guessing?” He rested his head on mine and breathed in deeply.

  “Mmmhmm,” I said in response.

  We held each other too long, but I didn’t want to let him go. I felt emotionally raw, and his hug comforted me.

  “It’s good to see you too,” he said, as we finally broke apart.

  I smiled at him and said, “Sand or pavement?”

  “I vote for pavement,” he said and we took off running north amid the multitude of snow birds settling in Hollywood Beach for their winter vacation. “So it went well with your mom?”

  “She’s in love and happy. I don’t ever recall seeing her happy. It’s a new side to her and I hope it lasts.”

  “Love can do amazing things for people.”

  “Love can make people do some amazingly stupid things as well.”

  “Granted. I can’t argue that point, but not all love is the same.”

  “That’s true. My mother’s metamorphosis has left me rather encouraged.”

  He smiled at me and picked up the pace as we rounded the corner away from the beach and onto the side streets.

  “Hey,” I said to his back.

  “Sorry, I run faster when I’m excited.”

  “Down, boy,” I said, laughing.

  He slowed and we turned around, heading back the way we came. His stride matched mine as we glided through the throng of people until we reached the far side of the boardwalk, where the crowd thinned out.

  “You were right,” I said as we slowed to a jog to start our cool down.

  “Always nice to hear, but what about, specifically?”

  “Parker called.”

  “How did that go?”

  “Not so great. She and Andre seem to think I’m some kind of beast of prey.”

  “I’ll talk to Andre.”

  “If you think it’s necessary. I pretty much told her to back off and stay out of our business. I also told her to get over the past—we had. But maybe it’s not that easy for them. I want to be compassionate, but mostly it just really pisses me off.”

  “Well I’m offended on both our accounts. You, the trollop, and me the hapless victim.”

  “Oh my god,” I said as the giggles spilled out of me. “Oh, that was good. I think we should make plans with them and wear our name tags.”

  We both grinned as we jogged back up to our starting spot and stretched against the wooden fence bordering the p
arking lot.

  “Jane, I know you aren’t free to date at this point, but I’d like to spend more time with you ... as a friend.”

  I stopped stretching my calves and stood up. “Well, in all honesty, with Parker and Andre’s voices in my head, I feel like I’m taking advantage of you—given how you feel about me.”

  “How we feel about each other. Isn’t that what you mean?”

  “I don’t know how I feel about you, Chase.”

  “Really? I thought we agreed to have only honesty between us.”

  “I’m not ready. Is that better?”

  “Much.” His triumphant smile and raised pointy eyebrows made me want to punch him in the arm and hug him at the same time.

  I felt lighter and younger with him, and found it difficult to admit even that much. He seemed to lift some of the heaviness from my life. My body certainly responded to him, but I had learned the hard way that lust was not a valid indicator of a good emotional fit. Even though he wanted more from me, I didn’t feel the pressure to be someone other than myself or in a different place emotionally. From him that is. Parker and Andre were another story.

  “Would you consider meeting up with Parker, Andre and me for dinner before the signing party?” Chase asked.

  “Only if they promise to behave. I don’t want to be pissed off right before I have to interact with people I don’t know. I’ll be meeting my publisher for the first time in person, not to mention the other authors from the publishing house.”

  “I’ll take care of it and I promise they’ll be on their best behavior.” Chase squatted down to loosen his sneakers, and after rising he said, “Can I see you before then? It’s still a week away.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said with a secret smile of my own. “Have a great rest of the day.” I waved as I headed back to my car.

  “You forgot your hug,” he shouted after me.

  “I’ll take two next time,” I yelled to him as I got behind the wheel.

  Damn he’s cute.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Marcello’s mother continued to improve, and he finally took time away from the hospital to Skype with me. I felt anxious and slightly nauseated leading up to the time we would meet online. I hadn’t seen him for weeks and I didn’t know what it would feel like to do so. Would he try to resolve our issues via cam? Would he order me to play with myself for him? In all honesty, I missed the sex but I didn’t think I could do it.

  The ding dong ring of Skype finally came through and I accepted the video call. I watched as Marcello populated my screen.

  “Hi, Jane,” he said. He wore his usual black slacks and a white, button-down shirt, and I could see him sitting in a chair with the laptop on his lap. I couldn’t decipher his mood.

  “Hi,” I said. “How’s your mom doing?”

  “Much better. Her speech is slowly returning and the doctors expect her to make a full recovery.”

  “You must be so relieved.”

  He breathed out a long sigh and said, “I am, but I would feel even better if I could just convince her to come to Florida with me. She can be a stubborn woman.”

  “Do you know when you’ll be home?”

  “No, sweetheart, I don’t. I’m sorry to be missing your signing party. Are you excited about it?”

  “Excited, nervous, wanting it to be over with already. We’ve finalized the interior and the cover so I’m feeling good about that but—”

  “You’ll be fine, Jane. You’re quite a natural with people. Just be yourself and smile that radiant smile of yours and I’m sure you will find plenty of people interested in your book.”

  “Yeah, I know you’re right. I’m just anxious about it.”

  “Understandably.”

  I watched Marcello tugging at his lip and wondered what to expect next.

  “We need to talk about us,” he said.

  “I know.”

  “Is this about Luke being in town?”

  “Is what?”

  “Jane, don’t play games with me,” he said, his voice deeper than usual.

  “Are we talking about the event you dragged me to? What does Luke have to do with that?”

  “Everything was going so well until you found out he came back to town.”

  Furious, I threw my hands up in the air. “Why is it so hard for you to understand that I’m not like you and Janice? I don’t want the kind of relationship you have with each other, and I most certainly would never submit to the abuse you subjected her to. I don’t want this life. We were having a wonderful time and I grew to love you, in my own way, but now I see the extent of the submission you want from me, and I don’t want it. I gave away more than I ever should’ve to Luke, and you of all people, the one who has told me time and again not to do so, should know better.”

  “Janice said you asked her if she’d heard from him.”

  “You aren’t listening to me and have already made up your mind. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LUKE,” I yelled, thoroughly exasperated. “Look, I’ve got to go. I don’t want to fight you and certainly not when you’re a thousand miles away and tending to your mother. I’ll start searching for another place to live, and I hope when you’re willing to really listen to what I’m saying, you’ll find a place in your heart for us to be friends.”

  “Jane, this isn’t how I wanted the conversation to go.” He appeared sad and frustrated.

  “Me either.”

  After ending the call with Marcello, I loaded Facebook, fought my conscience for a few minutes and finally gave in and reached out to Chase.

  Jane: You on?

  Chase: For you, always.

  Jane: 

  Chase: Done hiding from me?

  Jane: For now.

  Chase: LOL. Fair enough. Can I see you?

  Jane: When do you get off work?

  Chase: Whenever I’d like.

  Jane: I just realized something.

  Chase: What is that?

  Jane: I have no idea what you do.

  Chase: LMAO! You never asked.

  Jane: What’s wrong with me?

  Chase: Nothing in the least.  I honestly found it refreshing that you didn’t care.

  Jane: LOL. I guess I don’t. :P

  Chase: Come here and give me that tongue.

  Jane: I’ll think about it. So what do you do?

  Chase: Strategic marketing.

  Jane: And what is that exactly?

  Chase: Website design and branding for high-end companies.

  Jane: Oh, so you’re creative.

  Chase: Hopefully someday you’ll let me show you just how creative I can be. ;)

  Jane: You are so bad!

  Chase: Or good. So what time should I pick you up?

  Jane: I could come to you …. Maybe pick up lunch on the way? What do you like?

  Chase: Surprise me. Should we invite Andre and Parker?

  Jane: Definitely not!

  Chase: Good! See you when you get here.

  I took a quick shower and towel-dried my hair. I threw on a pair of black jean shorts, a maroon top and black flip-flops. As I shook out my brown waves, I decided to add earrings set with small red and turquoise stones. Before leaving I ordered food from my favorite Thai restaurant and on my way out, grabbed my wallet, cellphone and black hoodie.

  As I drove, I realized that my heart was actually fluttering at the prospect of spending the day with Chase. The time had come to stop lying about my feelings for him. Ready to start the next phase of my life, I also recognized that any significant steps forward with him would have to wait until after the signing party. Then I could focus on finding a new place to live and a job to sustain me, at least until my book sales took off, which I knew could take a long while.

  After retrieving lunch, it took me about twenty more minutes to make my way to Chase’s apartment building. I had no idea where to park or how to get into the building.

  Me: Where should I park?

  Chase: You can park on the right sid
e of my car. I have two spots. I’ll meet you down by the elevator.

  Me: K

  After descending into the underground garage, I spotted his sporty blue cruiser. I pulled in alongside and examined myself in the mirror on the back of the visor. Scrunching my waves and giving my hair one last fluffing, I scooted out of the car with the bag of food.

  He stood waiting for me by the elevator. Taking the bag from my hand, he pulled me in for a hug. I melted against him, savoring his subtle aftershave and unique smell. Just then I wanted to lose myself in his arms. I wanted to forget about Marcello and how we’d ultimately part, about Janice and our broken friendship, the beach house, the signing party, finding a job and a place to live, all of it. I just needed to be me for a day with nothing hanging over my head. Could Chase do that for me?

  “You seem distracted,” he said, as we rode up the elevator.

  “I have a lot on my plate and would love a vacation day away from it all.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked, taking my hand and leading me into his apartment. He placed the food on the bar and led me to the low beige couch situated by the wall of books.

  We sat opposite each other. Crossing my legs, I said, “My life seems so up in the air. Marcello and I haven’t resolved our issues and I need to find a job and a place to live. Then there’s you and me—”

  “Okay, and what would a vacation away from all that be like?”

  “Selfishly, I’d just love to spend the day with you without worrying about what it’ll all mean in the future.”

  “Selfish or not, I think that’s a great idea.” He smiled his crooked, secret smile and looked so confident that I believed he could make my wish come true. He stared directly into my eyes and I felt his desire.

  I wanted to fling myself into his lap and kiss his full mouth, tasting him finally, but instead I just stared.

  With a wink of one of his bright hazel eyes, he gave a chuckle and asked, “So what did you bring me?”

  We moved over to the bar and I unloaded two containers of food. “Hope you like Thai food. I brought Pad Woon Sen and Pad Thai.”

  “Forks or chopsticks?” Chase asked, as he headed toward the kitchen.

  “Chopsticks,” I said, raising my voice so he could still hear me.