My Body-Mine

by Blakely Bennett

  Andre,

  Thank you so much for coming tonight. I hope we have the opportunity to get to know each other better soon. Thank you for making Parker happy. She, of all people, deserves it.

  Best Regards,

  Jane

  Chase’s seemed most daunting so I signed Parker’s copy next.

  Dear Parker,

  Thank you for being a real friend to me. Although there are times when I have wanted to run and hide from you, we both know it’s because you always tell it like you see it, and prize honesty above all else. I so appreciate that our friendship has survived all I have been through and put you through. Only a real friend would keep pushing for us to move beyond the past.

  Thank you for being here tonight and for being my best friend.

  I love you,

  Jane

  Holding the last book, I struggled to find the right words for Chase. Not wanting to leave him with false hope, I focused on how much I appreciated his friendship.

  Chase,

  Thank you for the friendship you have so easily and readily bestowed on me.

  Bestowed? I couldn’t erase it so I continued on.

  You have brought more lightness to my life than I have ever experienced. I look forward to becoming better friends and learning more about you. Thank you for coming tonight, it means so much to me.

  Warmest regards,

  Jane

  Just as I finished signing Chase’s copy I heard a familiar voice say, “Since you want my signature so badly, I figured it’s only fair to get yours as well.” He laid a copy of my memoir in front of me, alongside a stack of papers.

  “Luke,” I said. My gut clenched and my blood burned in my veins. Never had I considered the possibility he might show up at the party. He looked as fit as ever. I remembered well his jeans, long-sleeved blue shirt with five buttons and no collar, sleeves hiked up on his forearms. Brown worker boots completed the brawny image.

  I stared into his gray eyes, and all the words running through my brain lodged in my throat. I broke the spell, which freed my eyes to follow his taut sinewy arm to the papers. Reading upside down I saw PETITION FOR SIMPLIFIED DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE.

  “What is this?” I asked. I started to shake.

  “Don’t play dumb with me, Jane,” Luke said, his voice echoing in the lobby of the large conference center.

  Glancing up at the man I had once loved, I cursed my body for its response.

  How dare you be turned on when you are scared to death!

  “I didn’t send those papers,” I said in a loud whisper, so as not to draw the attention of the people who lingered.

  Luke took a few steps back, his eyes darting about as if trying to decide what to do or say next. At least that’s what it seemed like to me. “You didn’t send them?” he said.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Fuck.” He ran nervous fingers through his straight brown bangs. As he loomed over me I could feel him, sense how he still felt about me. His energy invaded my body as it always had. “Marcello?” he added.

  “I assume so, because I can’t think of anyone else who—”

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  I stood, my heart thudding in my chest. “Okay,” I said. “I’m here with friends and would prefer it if you’d stay inside until I leave.”

  “Come to the beach house.”

  “It might be a while.”

  “I’ll be reading until you arrive,” he said, holding out my memoir.

  “Shit,” I said, as I gathered up the books I had just signed, tossing them into my bag. Trying to calm my breathing, I forced myself to walk slowly out the door.

  “Ready to get out of here?” Chase asked as I approached.

  “Yes,” I said. “I’m going to call it a night.” I handed the books to each of them and we all hugged our goodbyes. I thanked them for coming as I tried to keep it together and not show the trembling inside.

  “I’ll walk you to your car,” Chase said.

  “Great,” I said.

  As soon as Chase and I moved out of earshot of Parker and Andre, he said, “What is it?”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  Chase gently clasped my shoulders, turning me to face him. “To me it is. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “That’s not far off the mark. Luke showed up.”

  “At the signing?” he asked, taking a step away.

  “Yes.”

  “Why, Jane?”

  “He had divorce papers in hand which he thought I’d sent.”

  “You’re not divorced?” he asked, astonished.

  “No, I’m not. Look I—”

  “Is this the part of your life that is up in the air and still needs sorting out?” He flung the question at me.

  “Yes, and no. I had no immediate plans to divorce him.”

  “What the fuck, Jane.”

  “I just never figured I’d marry again, and up until very recently, like tonight … I didn’t think I’d ever see Luke again.”

  “So, is he lying to have an excuse to see you?”

  “I honestly hadn’t considered that, but that isn’t his style. More likely Marcello got tired of waiting for me to do it myself. Janice thought he’d be proposing to me any day. I thought she was crazy, but now I don’t know anything anymore.”

  “I didn’t realize there was such a long line ahead of me,” Chase said. I realized that I’d never seen a real frown on his chiseled face until then.

  “It’s not like that, but yes, my life is still very much up in the air. I’ve been trying to tell you that from the start.”

  “Well, I believe you now,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Chase, please. Don’t act like I invited him or set any of this in motion.”

  “But you’re going to the beach house to talk to him?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  Chase hung his head and sighed. Looking up at me, he said the words I wasn’t ready to hear. “I love you, Jane. I started falling the very second I first saw you, and each and every time I saw you again, my feelings grew stronger. And you’re right; you need to get your life sorted out. Let me know when or if that ever happens. I’m going to take off.” He strode away before I had a chance to respond.

  “Wait! Chase,” I yelled after him.

  He stepped back toward me and reached out. “I’m sorry. You’ve been upfront from the start, but I can see that you still have so much to work through. I never factored in Luke, but I can see that you still need closure or something from him. Why else would you not divorce him and get the house you love so much?”

  “I … I never thought I could feel that way about anyone else. I didn’t know what it might do to me to see him in person, but now that I have, I can see that he and I need to talk. I don’t want to hurt you; that’s the last thing I want. I just need time.”

  “You’ve got it,” he said softly, taking me in his arms. He held me tight for a moment and then walked away.

  The more distance he put between us, the more my heart ached. I’d rather be holding his hand all the way to his car and his place than meeting up with Luke.

  After climbing into my car, I rummaged through my purse for my cellphone.

  Me: Did you send Luke divorce papers?

  Marcello: Yes.

  Me: You had no right. He showed at the signing party.

  Marcello: You need to deal with this, Jane.

  Me: That’s not for you to decide. How dare you?

  Marcello: Because I love you and want you to let go of the past.

  Me: You are part of that very past. You and Janice.

  Marcello: I’m your present.

  Me: I’m going to the beach house to meet with Luke.

  Marcello: That is unadvisable and in violation of our contract.

  Me: So was sending the divorce papers behind my back. Consider our contract null and void.

  I turned off my phone and started the car. It didn’t take long for m
e to make my way from the conference center to the beach house. Parking alongside Luke’s car, I braced myself for the inevitable confrontation.

  I couldn’t bring myself to knock on the door of my house so I just turned the knob and let myself in. Luke leaned on a stool at the end of the kitchen counter, my memoir in his hands. The house smelled lived in again and the counters had been wiped clean of dust.

  “Jane,” he said.

  “Can we talk outside?”

  “Sure. Would you like some wine?”

  “Okay.”

  Spreading the French doors wide open, I let the breeze cleanse me and bolster my resolve. The pool cover had been removed, so I slipped off my boots and sat at the shallow end with my feet on the first step, holding my skirt up so the hem wouldn’t get wet.

  Luke dragged the lounge chair beside me, perched on the end of it, and handed me a glass.

  “You’re wearing the clothes I bought for you,” he said. He appeared pleased.

  “Seemed the most appropriate outfit for the occasion, nothing more. I don’t like spending money I don’t have on new things.” I took a sip of the crisp white wine and scanned the clear night sky.

  “I see. I saw Parker there with two guys. Who are they?”

  “The blond is Parker’s boyfriend, Andre. They’re now living together. The other guy is his best friend.”

  “And who is he to you?”

  “None of your fucking business,” I said, sounding more confident than I actually felt. I took in the sight of the beach by moonlight and breathed deeply, praying my pulse would go back to normal.

  “I saw him watching you the whole time.”

  Glaring at him, I said, “How long were you there?”

  “Long enough.”

  I shrugged, not sure what I wanted to say or hear from him. I waited.

  “How’s your mother? Sandy?” He took a long swallow from his glass and placed it down beside him.

  I took a sip from my glass and looked up at Luke. “They’re both fine, but small talk? Really?”

  “What do you want to talk about?” he said, his expression sincere.

  “Why are you here?”

  “Why do you think?”

  “I can’t even imagine, Luke.”

  “To see you,” he said, finishing off his glass of wine.

  “Because you thought I sent the divorce papers?” I asked.

  “Those came after I arrived in Florida.”

  It all made sense to me now. “After you talked to Marcello?” I asked.

  “Yes. How are things with him?”

  “Coming to an end,” I said.

  “Janice said the same thing.”

  “Yes, they seem to be in an odd place. With me gone they might sort things out. Of course, she’d still take you back in a second.”

  “And you?”

  “Take you back?” I laughed.

  “I’m serious.”

  I buried my head in my lap and massaged my temples. This couldn’t be happening. “How long have you been here?” I said.

  “A few weeks.”

  “And I’m supposed to believe you came to Florida to see me?” I sat up, feeling my anger ignite. I took another sip of wine to settle myself.

  “That’s exactly why I’m here.”

  “You don’t go back. Isn’t that what all of you kept telling me over and over again?”

  “Something happened to me in Japan that made me see the truth,” Luke said, pouring more wine into his empty glass.

  “Yeah, and how many women did you have between throwing me to the curb and seeing the light?”

  “Zero.”

  “Yeah, right. I don’t believe that for a second. You couldn’t even keep your cock out of Janice’s mouth while we were together, and I’m supposed to believe you haven’t had sex for months and months?” I finished the glass of wine and held it out for more.

  “I did try once, but I couldn’t. Then I ended up in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack. It turned out to be a severe panic attack.” He filled my glass and topped off his own.

  “Sorry to hear you were ill, but I don’t see what any of that has to do with me.”

  “The hospital insisted I see a psychologist, and after it happened a second time I finally agreed. The counselor told me I sabotaged the best thing that ever happened to me because of my past, which was really hard for me to believe because I never bought into all that psychobabble bullshit. But after talking to him, I realized I had come to a place where I didn’t want to share you anymore. I let Marcello convince me to have a party I never should’ve planned.”

  “How long have you had this all sorted out?”

  “A while, but I had assumed you’d never talk to me again.” He breathed out heavily and I saw sorrow in his eyes.

  I would not let him melt my resolution. “So what prompted you to come back to the states?” I asked. The wine gave me courage to continue.

  “I’ve been living in Seattle for a while, but I still haven’t been able to move on. I flew to town but Marcello said you were doing so well together, that for your sake I should stay away. Janice told me the truth.”

  “I’m at a loss for words.” Not only was I unable to make sense of what I felt about Luke’s disclosure, but I didn’t know what I wanted to feel. My guard stretched up so high I couldn’t see over the regiment that lined the gate or see through the images of past experiences with Luke, Marcello, and Janice. My dream world and reality had collided and how could I possibly take that in? Fortunately a question jumped to the forefront. “Did Janice tell you why Marcello and I are finished?”

  “Janice said you witnessed her punishment at an event at the monastery and left, clearly upset. She assumed you realized that you didn’t want the same things as Marcello.”

  “Close enough. Just as I don’t want those things with you or anyone else.”

  “I honestly don’t know how to go about a normal relationship,” he said, “but I’m willing to try.”

  “Luke, I …” What could I say? I’d wanted to hear him say those words months ago, a lifetime ago. “I waited for you … at the stress unit … at Marcello’s … You never showed, never called, never apologized for breaking my heart, for breaking me.”

  “I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you, the way I still love you. And I’m truly sorry for all of it, every last thing I did to make you feel like you weren’t the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I can’t change what I’ve done, but if you give me the chance, I will spend every single day making it up to you.”

  “I don’t know,” I said, my mind spinning with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

  “Will you consider it?” He touched my leg, infusing me with that crazy energy that had always managed to tug, rend, and pick away at my resolve.

  You know you’re in trouble when the first rationalizations start. The troops abandoned the gate and my fortress broke down as he pleaded his case.

  “Please, will you at least think about it?” He came toward me and took the glass of wine from my hand.

  “Oh, hell,” I said, and my determination to run away, to escape his magnetism, fled.

  As he lifted me to him, I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist like I always had. He carried me inside and placed me on the kitchen counter, cupping my face in his palms. He kissed me and the rebellious tears flowed down my cheeks. Luke infused me with his energy, causing my heart to palpitate and my libido to rocket. My pussy heated up, and I could feel the wetness pooling in my panties. The chemistry I experienced at the hands of Luke had no rival. How could I fight it?

  Marcello had offered both the excitement of danger and the promise of protection. Chase’s caresses made me feel comforted and connected with no need for a safety net. But Luke … Luke inspired total abandon, no matter what the consequences. I was beyond reason. In that moment, I didn’t want to sort out whether the intense attraction between Luke and me made us the ideal couple or the most d
ysfunctional.

  “Spend the night with me, Jane,” Luke murmured as he kissed away my tears.

  “I don’t think that’s a smart idea,” I said, staring into the gray eyes I hadn’t seen in such a long time. I touched his silky straight hair, moving it off his forehead.

  “Are you obligated to anyone?”

  “No … I … I don’t know what I want, and your kisses and touch, they confuse things.”

  “We have time to sort it all out. Just stay with me, give me the chance to love you, to make love to you.”

  Throwing myself against him, I let all the pain and sorrow he had caused pour down my cheeks. As he held me tight I cried out the rejection I had suffered. He croaked apologies into my hair, as if feeling the pain of the sobs that racked my body and soul.

  As my tears finally subsided and breathing settled, he ran soothing fingers down my back and cooed his love into my ears. He then carried me to our bedroom, putting me down at the foot of the bed. As he had the first time we’d ever made love, he slowly undressed me, folding my clothes in a neat pile on the dresser.

  “I have missed your body,” he said, hugging my legs as he crouched down to remove my skirt, “and your smell.” He nuzzled his nose between my legs next to my wet panties.

  “Mmmm,” I moaned and spread my legs for him.

  “So wet for me, my Janie. You’ve missed me too, I see,” he said as he slid his fingers under the elastic and dove two past my labia. He groaned like an animal in pain, and shifted the saturated cloth aside, licking the moisture off my clit. “Jesus, Jane.” As he gazed up at me, I could see the lust in his dilated eyes.

  He stood, grabbed my wrists, and jerked them behind me as he conquered my mouth. Holding me captive, he schooled my tongue and lips to his manner of kiss. Stimulated to the point of intoxication, I followed his lead.