Tanya Tania

by Antara Ganguli

  Yesterday, I had called Arjun to my house. I had decided that I needed to do something. I couldn’t have him ruining my life like this. It’s my life, my city. My school, my people. I’ve been here forever, I will be here forever. It’s like your dad had said right? Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for what you want.

  So my plan was to like offer an exchange. I would do stuff for him and then he had to tell everyone that a lot of what was being said was not true. That the stuff he said, the worst of the stuff he said, had all been made up. Which it was. The kind of shit he’s said…anyway, no point in going into that now.

  He came over thinking I was going to cry. I could see it in the way he walked in. Pretending to be all caring. Oh T, how are you, T baby I miss you…I wanted to puke on him.

  I made him come out to the balcony to talk to me because I couldn’t stand the thought of him being in my room.

  But I was polite. I had to be. I told him my end of the bargain. That he could have six times with me where I would do whatever he wanted if he would tell people that there hadn’t been any of the bad stuff. Anything other than what actually happened.

  I don’t think he had expected me to be so business-like about it. Then he began to negotiate what I would do during the six times. I almost backed out then Tanya, it made me sick to hear him even say those things. Then he said he would think about it. I told him that the offer would expire in a day and if he didn’t take it, I would tell everyone he has a tiny penis. ‘Don’t think,’ I told him, ‘that I have no power left.’

  Then I made him leave because I couldn’t stand the smell of his cologne for one more moment. Anyway, then Nusrat and I went to go sit at our spot on the rocks by the sea and I forgot all about it. Well, no, I didn’t forget about it but I wasn’t thinking about it. Actually I was. I was thinking about the six times and the things I had agreed to. But I was pretending not to.

  Today in school, during Econ, a peon came in and gave a slip to Mrs. Kriplani. She looked up and asked Arjun to go to the Principal’s office. Someone had to nudge him to go because he was reading a magazine under the desk. I noticed him going but didn’t like think anything of it. Maybe he was going to get negative points for something. He’s always getting negative points.

  Just as class was ending, Arjun came running back in, looking like a crazy person. He was crying and his hair was all messed up and there was a peon running after him. And he ran straight at me! He was shouting. ‘You crazy bitch!’ he screamed. ‘You crazy fucking bitch!’ There was snot coming out his nose.

  I couldn’t even move I was so surprised. Thankfully I was sitting at the far end of the classroom (no one sits with me anymore) and some boys got hold of him before he could get to me. The peon came in running and started complaining loudly about how he had tried to hit the Principal and got into a fight with the peons in the Principal’s office and had hit one of them with a chair and the peon was bleeding and stuff.

  Anyway, the peon that had come with him stood very close to Arjun as he was getting his stuff together, throwing his books and things into his bag. The whole time he was crying and he looked awful, tears and snot running everywhere, swearing, using awful language, calling me all kinds of names, acting completely crazy.

  At first I got mad. But then I saw how people were looking at him—with disgust. And how people were beginning to look at me. People were finally looking at me.

  I didn’t say anything. I was just glad that I’d blow-dried my hair that morning.

  Rumours began to circulate that he had been expelled. Nobody knows why though there’s tons of speculation. I figured he got caught doing drugs.

  At Lunch today, three people smiled at me. And when I walked past my old gang, Nirav asked me what I thought had happened. I just smiled at him and said I didn’t want to talk about it.

  So I came home and I couldn’t wait for Nusrat to be done washing dishes so I could tell her. And then—and THEN—the most unbelievable thing happened.

  My mom came home from work early. And if that’s not weird enough, she came into my room and shut the door and said, I need to talk to you.

  I thought she was going to tell me that I had to apply to college in America. I was so sure she was going to tell me that she had called Wellesley and arranged things and that I would start there in the fall. My heart was beating so fast. I felt like I was in a cage.

  She made me sit at my desk and then she sat on the bed but then she jumped up and began to pace up and down, up and down my room. At one point she picked up my old doll and then she walked up and down with the doll. It would have been funny if I hadn’t been so scared.

  Then she sat down again and…get this…she started crying! My mom! Crying! I had seen my mom cry once and that was when Sammy had broken his leg as a kid. That’s it. I’ve never seen my mom cry. I’ve seen my dad cry millions of times but I’ve never seen my mom cry.

  She put her face in her hands and just cried and cried and cried. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she kept saying. ‘I’m so sorry, T.’ It’s been years since she called me that.

  So here’s the story: remember when I called Arjun over and did the bargain with him? About the six times? In the balcony? Well, I had forgotten that my parents room also opens out to the balcony because they never leave that door open. But that day she had. And she overheard. She heard everything. She heard the things I was willing to do, she heard him ask for them, she heard me say all the things I wanted him to take back, she heard him bargain.

  And then she went to school and told the Principal. She forced the Principal to call Arjun to the office. I mean she didn’t say that but I know my Principal and I know my mother and I’m telling you that’s what happened. And when Arjun went to the office, my mom interrogated him in front of the Principal. Arjun is dumb as shit. He tried to lie but of course he didn’t stand a chance with my mom.

  She told the Principal that either she expels Arjun or my mom will file a case against Arjun and the school. But she said that the Principal might have expelled him anyway because there have been lots of other complaints.

  She finished. Her head was in her hands and she was like sobbing. I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say. I guess I was still thinking about the fact that my mom knew I had had sex. My mom knew the things everyone at school was saying about me. My mom knew the things I had promised to do for Arjun for those six times.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asked.

  I wanted to tell her that the thought of telling her hadn’t even occurred to me. That I had thought of telling my father but that I didn’t think he would have been able to handle it. I wanted to tell her that if I had thought of telling her, I would have thought that she would have hit me.

  I started crying. My mom pulled me into her arms and she cried some more. I smelled her around me, the starch in her sari, her perfume, her shampoo, the slight whiff of sweat from her armpits. I loved all of it.

  My mom and I sat there and cried together for a long time. My mom looks beautiful when she cries. My mom is beautiful and I want to be beautiful like her. I told her that and she said that she is not beautiful all the time. I agreed with her in my head but I didn’t say it.

  My mom asked me if it had hurt with Arjun and I told her no. She asked me if I used protection and I was so glad I had. And Tanya, you know what, if it hadn’t been for you and Nusrat, I wouldn’t have. So thank you man. She started crying again and I told her it hadn’t been bad at all. I told her he had been really sweet. I don’t think she believed me.

  It all seems so far away now, that night. I can’t believe it happened. I know it had been good…it had right? But was it worth it? It would have been if he hadn’t been such an asshole about it. I mean even if he had just broken up with me, I think I would have still not regretted it. But nothing was worth the last month. Nothing.

  My mom asked me why being popular in school was so important to me. I asked her why working so hard at her job was so important to her. She pulled my no
se and said that that is what paid for everything in our house. She was going to add that my father didn’t make any money but I gave her a look and she didn’t.

  I told her that I felt like that was what I was good at. And then you know what she said? She said I was like light.

  I’m like embarrassed to write it. My mom thinks I am like light. She said I am her light.

  I mean I don’t totally believe her now but I believed her then when she was saying it. I also totally got why my dad is still so in love with her. So fida over her. When my mom sets out to convince you about something, you want to get convinced. She’s just like that.

  We sat like that for a long time together. I heard the front door open and close and I knew that Nusrat had left. I wished she could have seen us like that. I wished she had a phone in her house so I could call her and tell her what had happened.

  I wanted to ask my mom many things. I wanted to ask her why she and my dad were fighting so much. I wanted to ask her if she really thought I couldn’t have a good life if I went to college in Bombay. I wanted to ask her if she loved Sammy more than me. I wanted to ask her if she and my dad would ever get a divorce.

  In the end I didn’t ask her anything. We just stayed like that until it got dark and then my mom got up to switch on the lights. If she hadn’t done that, I would still be sitting there on my bed with her, in her lap, surrounded by her smell, surrounded by her sari, breathing in her hair and rubbing my cheek against her, feeling her heartbeat against mine, so steady, so sure.

  I take back every mean thing I’ve ever said about my mother Tanya. Just take a black marker and erase all of them for me from my letters please? I never meant them. You knew that right?

  Of course you did. You’re super clever. And you don’t get swayed by things stupid people say. You’re super mature. You always knew I didn’t mean any of that stuff. You always knew I love my mom. Did you know she loves me too? I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. You’re smarter than anyone I know except Nusrat. And you know what, Tanya Talati, I kind of love you.

  Love,

  Tania

  November 30, 1992

  Karachi

  Dear Tania,

  Wow, it sounds like everything has been sorted out in your life. How lovely for you.

  I’m not surprised at your mother. I always thought you underestimated her. But please don’t presume, based on your saccharine life, to understand mine. You don’t know me, you don’t know my mother, you don’t know anything.

  I thought I would let you know that my mother has finally decided to move back to America. I think that means she is going to divorce my father but I’m not sure as she hasn’t said anything on that count.

  They are selling the house. My mother said if he sells the house and gives her half the money she won’t ask for any financial support ever again. So they’re selling the house. The house I’ve lived in ever since we came back from America.

  My father is going to buy a smaller house. Bibi will go with him. The last I heard, Chhoti Bibi has got a job in another house. I haven’t seen her in a few days. She hasn’t come to my room. I think she is done with her experiment of me.

  My mother is going to go live in my grandparents’ house in Boston. She is only taking clothes and photographs from here. Nothing else. Nothing else at all.

  I called Navi to tell him all of this. He already knew. My father had called him and told him. I live in the same house as him and I had to hear his plans from my brother who is not in the same city. Navi plans to live with him and attend Aga Khan. He asked me what I was going to do. I told him I was going to go to college in America. He asked me what I will do if I don’t get in. I don’t know. Neither my father nor my mother have asked me that.

  In case you are wondering, my mother has disappeared again. I don’t go into her room anymore. I don’t like to look at her anymore. I hate her tears. I hate the shape of her body under the covers.

  I’ve sent off all my applications. Logically, I’d be surprised if I didn’t get into at least one college. And the way things are now, no one will object even if I go to a safety school. All my father cares about is not having to pay.

  I think it’s time for us to stop this silly letter-writing. It seems we have come to a natural parting of ways. Let’s not draw things out until they become awkward and painful.

  I wish you the best of luck in your life, Tania. I hope your life continues to be happy and fortunate. And Nusrat. Please tell Nusrat that I wish her the best. That I have nothing but admiration for her.

  Khuda Hafiz,

  Tanya

  December 6, 1992

  Bombay

  Dear Tanya,

  Are you on crack? What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you picking up the phone?

  Look, I know you’re depressed but you’re being stupid. I know things are like really bad for you at home but why are you trying to break up with me?

  Where’s Ali? Did you fight with him? Did you break up with him too? What happened? I like Ali. I mean he’s gay but I like him.

  My parents are back to ignoring me mostly because they are fighting about this Hindutva stuff all the time. There are these things called Kar Sevaks and my mom says they’re bad and my dad says what’s wrong with having a little practice of Hinduism and then they begin to fight about that mosque and temple business. My mom hasn’t said a word about college applications though so I think I’m staying in Bombay! Yay!

  School is getting better. Did I tell you my big strategy? My big strategy is to act like nothing happened and like I don’t care. It’s not easy man. Stupid Soumya is acting like she’s the new queen. As if a short little, fat little gremlin could ever replace me. But let her have her fun. Sooner or later, she’s going to say something really stupid or do something really stupid or most likely, wear something really stupid and then that will be the end of her. I don’t even have to do anything. I just have to wait for a repeat of her zebra crossing shirt with the tiger print tights.

  Neenee has been pretty cool. For a while she didn’t know what to do. Whether to ignore me along with everyone else or to like take advantage of the big hole in my social life and try to get more time with me. But now she hangs out with me and brings me gossip and tells me what everyone is saying. I think this whole fiasco has raised her social profile.

  I’m focusing a lot on training the younger kids in sports. All sports. Soccer, basketball, gymnastics. Running. High jump. Long jump. It’s actually been a lot of fun. I don’t know whether they’ve heard the rumours about me or not but they don’t seem to care. I mean they’re kids, they’ll run after any senior who gives them attention. And I am the girl Sports Captain of the school you know. There’s this one kid Leila, she’s great. She’s so gutsy and she’s really, really fast. And she picks things up really quickly. I wish she was in my house.

  You know what’s funny is that the Sports coach—the girls’ Sports coach I mean—used to hate me. I mean like she would always find a reason to yell at me. So anyway, she’s been seeing me spending time coaching the juniors and today she actually talked to me. Like not yelled at me. Talked to me. You know, about the girls. She also thinks Leila has a lot of potential.

  I’m going to end this here because I want to post this quickly. I’ll try you calling you again tonight.

  Love,

  Tania

  December 6, 1992

  Bombay

  Dear Tanya,

  Dude where are you? Things have gotten really bad and strange. I keep calling you but when someone finally picked up—I think it was Bibi—she said you weren’t at home. And she hung up before I could ask for Chhoti Bibi. Dude I hope you’re okay.

  So first of all, they broke down that mosque today. It was all over the news. It was horrible Tanya. I mean I don’t care about any of this stuff but it was horrible watching it on TV. All these people all wearing orange like a huge human wave on the wall and then all over the mosque. It’s huge that mosque. It looks like a temple.
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br />   And our policemen? Just standing there doing nothing. I mean what were they there for?

  And now everyone seems really worried and there’s a very weird feeling all around. As if something is going to happen. But what more can happen right? The mosque has already been destroyed. Do you know it was from the 15th century? What assholes! How can you do that! I mean people barely live one hundred years and this mosque has been there for over four hundred years. It wasn’t cool man.

  I also got really mad at my dad because obviously my mom was totally right and he was totally like STUPID to not see the signs.

  Anyway, they sent us all home from school early. My dad came and picked me up and he looked so sad and so worried I didn’t say a word to him. Of course he had NOT known that the Hindutva people were going to do this. He had believed them when they had said that the kar sevaks were just going to do puja and stuff. Puja is a good thing. Puja is not breaking things. My father hadn’t known what these guys were going to do. How could he have known? He did not know.

  Anyway so he took me home and we dropped Jenny home along the way. Well, Jenny couldn’t go home actually because she lives in Dadar so she went home to her friend Aanchal’s house. I don’t know them really well, they’re not in my group. Well, my old group. But I saw them standing outside the school looking lost and it seems that the school bus wasn’t working so they didn’t know what to do. My dad dropped them home to Aanchal’s house. Aanchal lives in a house not a building. It’s in a weird part of town I haven’t seen before. But they were super nice and said thank you many times to my dad. My dad barely noticed he looked so sad and upset. He waited though till they went upstairs and waved from the balcony.

  When we got home, Nusrat was there. Her school was also let out early and apparently the road to her house has been closed so she came here.

  But Tanya, Nusrat is acting weird. I don’t get it. She’s not talking to me. She’s super worried about her parents and so my mom called them and spoke to them and Nusrat got on the phone and just started crying—her crying you know—where she makes those sounds. And I felt so bad I went to give her a hug from behind and Tanya she just like flung me off! It was so weird! It was like she didn’t want me to touch her.