Make Me Real

by Petra J Knox

  He didn’t look at me nor the braid.

  I then took my customary seat on the stool.

  Pop’s long gray hair hung in oily ropes past his temples, framing the rounded bifocals he wore that sat no further than the tip of his nose. His face had several days’ worth of silver scruff. He was tinkering with what looked like the inside of a music box, and its grease and grime covered the skin of his knuckles.

  Squinting at the mechanism in his hands, he lifted his eyes to me. “He’s taken care of, then?”

  “Yes, Pop.” I tucked my boots into the metal rung on my stool, my arms at ease, hands folded at my lap. Relaxed.

  He didn’t release my gaze, though. “You look different.”

  I remained quiet.

  Conversing with Pop never worked. I answered questions only, unless it was to ask for clarification when there was no other way to retrieve any.

  His eyes went back to his work. “Got a call this morning from Cleo over at Lush. She needs a hand. Be there ten minutes before eight.”

  “What will I need?” I asked him.

  “Cleo will supply it.”

  When he didn’t say anything more, I moved to stand up.

  “Pinn?”

  Shit. “Yeah, Pop?”

  With his chin, he gestured in the direction of the braid, his eyes still on his work. “Next time I send you out on a hit, don’t take so goddam long. No excuses.”

  Nothing to do with Blue. Nothing he could see on me that would show where I’d been or what I’d been doing.

  I tried to control the desire to release a pent-up breath. Pop saw everything, and that one little action would have told him something wasn’t right.

  “Yes, Pop.”

  No lengthy lectures, no conversation. That was Pop’s way. But his mood was even-keel today. The only thing that could have caused it was talking to Cleo, whom Pop had a soft spot for. I never asked why, nor would I ask her. I didn’t want to know, didn’t care.

  I left him and the shop, then walked over to Mrs. Baker’s to check on Medoro.

  As soon as he saw me at the fence of her small courtyard, the rangy mutt let out a happy woof! and practically barreled me over when I opened the gate to get inside.

  “He’s such a delight, Pinn.” Mrs. Baker hobbled over, her cane clicking on the stone slabs beneath our feet.

  With my hood up, she couldn’t see my face clearly, but I had a feeling that, even if it were down, her bad eyesight wouldn’t make my face any less blurry.

  “Just checking in. I’ll come get him in the morning, Mrs. Baker.” I squatted down and gave Medora a vigorous rubdown on his chest.

  “Oh, pooh.” She let out a long, sad sigh, and I felt it pull at my heartstrings. I instantly thought of Blue, of how she’d love Mrs. Baker and would probably talk me into letting the dog stay longer with the old woman.

  A hint of a smile tried to play on my lips, but I quickly steeled myself against it. Blue’s influence had to be left in the past, left back at The Venusian. I couldn’t afford to let it seep out here, not in the world I lived in.

  I pulled Medoro’s face to me and looked straight into his big brown eyes, wordlessly telling him he was a good boy for making Mrs. Baker happy. He’d stay here.

  When I stood up, Mrs. Baker’s sad eyes watched us.

  “He can stay a few more days?” I asked, already knowing her answer.

  “A few more… Oh? Well, he really is no bother. Just a few more days. Not too long, me being an old woman and all.”

  Cheeky woman.

  Yes, Blue would love Mrs. Baker.

  “I’ll drop off more food,” I mumbled.

  She wasn’t listening to me anymore, though, as she patted her leg and giggled like a girl when Medoro barked happily, obeying and wiggling his hips in excitement.

  I shut the gate behind me as I left, looking at them one last time before I turned around to leave.

  “That was nice of you, kid.”

  Leaning against the brick wall, hidden in the shadows, I could make out the lean form of Crocket and his Panama hat.

  I didn’t respond as I slinked past him and headed back to Figaro’s, determined now more than ever to put last night into where it had to stay. In the past.

  10

  The Stag

  Making sure Pop had everything he needed for the night, I left the shop and headed out to The City of Lights at around seven.

  It had been three nights now that I’d worked for Cleo at Lush. No new jobs had come in for me, but I was fairly sure it was Pop that was putting them on hold.

  As for Blue, it had been four days since that night, long enough for most people. I hadn’t given in to the temptation to visit Mesmer, nor her room—if she still stayed at the Venusian. Didn’t mean I didn’t want to, though. Each night that passed, that beast inside me paced back and forth, thirsty for her. But I kept him caged, ignoring him, drowning out his begging, and focused on moving on.

  It wasn’t easy. Now that I’d been with a woman, knew what it felt to be buried to the hilt inside that wet, tight heat, to taste and suck and partake of the many delights of feminine flesh, it seemed like a giant curtain had been lifted around me, showing me things that had been around me all along.

  Flesh, tits, ass, lust.

  Pleasure.

  The allure of release and capture.

  The force that drove The City of Lights and made the patrons hunger for more when they left, luring them right back.

  I’d been a part of this world my whole life, yet I felt as if I were starring in an elaborate play that I had no memory of signing up for, let alone the awareness of even being an actor.

  Gone was the boy with blinders.

  Cleo had noticed the change in me right away, three nights ago.

  A voluptuous red-head with a love for Hollywood Glamour, Cleo was in her early-forties, stunning and as vivacious as an exotic orchid. Everything about her was loud, and she didn’t do anything in halves. You were either loved or despised.

  That night, she had taken one look at me in her dressing room, after demanding I take my sweatshirt off, and said, “Well, well. Look at you. You’ve grown into quite the catch, ducky. And if I didn’t know better… well, we’ll keep that between us, I think.” Then, after walking a slow circle around me and tracing a long, red-lacquered nail down my arm, she stopped in front of me with her arms crossed. “I want you on the stage.”

  Two of her male performers had fallen in love and had “skedaddled,” she’d told me in a huff. I was to take one of their spots.

  “You’ll be disguised,” she’d told me, “so don’t worry. No one will know you from Tom, Dick, or Harry.” Then she had smiled, her eyes roaming down my body. “Well, maybe not Dick.” And with a lusty laugh, she patted my hot cheek. “Oh, Pinn, loosen up. Pop wouldn’t have you here for shits and giggles, and especially not to be molested by the likes of me.”

  It was only two shows a night on stage; the rest of the shift was guard duty, where I’d stay close to Cleo. Only once had she made me do a circuit around the club, enticing the guests with her famous eye-candy.

  And that was exactly my role. Dressed in tight leather pants in a pale gray and wearing a stag’s mask in the same color, I was one of Cleo’s trio of Bucks.

  The other two stags, one brown and one an off-white, were always at her side along with me, especially when she sat among her guests in the Playroom, the big area of Lush that served desserts and drinks. Little rooms along side the wall provided a sense of privacy if one wanted to step away from the main area, each one themed and decorated with sensual cushions on the floor and soft lighting from paper lanterns that hung from above like planets.

  It was there in the Playroom that I spotted Blue.

  Cleo held court in the corner, basking on her coral-colored velvet settee, surrounded by her friends. Behind her, Brown, Cream, and I—her three Bucks—stood guard, always watching hands, drinks, pockets.

  It was still early in the night, and t
he room wasn’t as jam-packed as it would surely be hours from now. I was half-heartedly watching the room when my gaze passed by that luxurious, pale blue hair. Her back was to me, but the long silky strands that touched the base of her ass made it undeniable that it was Blue.

  I must have made a noise or something to have gained Cleo’s attention, because she turned her head and looked up and over her shoulder at me.

  “Gray, are you lonely?” Her lips curled seductively. I knew she was play-acting, that her role of being Lush’s Mistress was in full swing. I also knew she was expecting me to play along.

  But with the realization that Blue was here—of all fucking places—and with the lust and want that swirled around the room, I just couldn’t get into that role, which was evident when I made the mistake of looking at Blue again. By the time I’d caught myself, I cursed inwardly and returned my gaze back to Cleo.

  It wasn’t a fool who ran this famous club, though. Cleo’s curious eyes narrowed, and in a blink, she was searching the room. I saw her shoulders relax at what she’d found. Leaning forward, she tugged on the sleeve of one of her girls who was lying at Cleo’s feet.

  After her Mistress whispered something into her ear, the girl walked off to where Blue and her friends sat on jewel-toned cushions on the floor. She politely pointed in our direction, where Cleo, her Bucks, and her menagerie of sinful sycophants waited.

  Blue’s companions giggled and stood up, pulling my beautiful girl along with them by the arm.

  Fuck.

  What was Cleo up to? And damn my stupid eyes for betraying me.

  Behind my mask, my gaze roamed Blue from head to precious toe. She was wearing a pale pink halter-style top that showcased her taut stomach. A long sea-green skirt hugged her delicious hips and outlined her toned thighs. The bottom flared like a mermaid’s tail, kissing her ankles where golden strappy sandals sparkled on her feet.

  I then looked intently at her face. She looked lovely, heavenly. And very young. With her hair down and framing her sweet face, she barely looked legal—if not for that fuckable body she was showing off to all and sundry.

  I felt a growl grow in my chest, but it passed as I looked into her eyes. There was a light there that didn’t shine as brightly as I remembered. Something had dimmed in her. I recognized what it was right away.

  It was the twin to mine. Heartache.

  When she and her three friends came forward, I had to hold every muscle still. The men around us hummed in appreciation, and I looked over to see a few licking their lips at Blue. I wanted to pluck their eyeballs out, cut out their tongues with a dirty spoon, and shove the mutilated pieces up their asses.

  “Gray. Come.” Cleo touched my hand and I went around and bent a knee at her side, my back to her fan club.

  She outstretched her hands, greeting the new guests one at a time. My eyes never left Cleo’s, and I knew she felt my stare as she welcomed the girls to Lush.

  What game was she playing?

  “I don’t do this very often,” Cleo said with that air of flamboyance she was known for, “but I’d like to gift one of my Bucks to this lovely confection of the sea.”

  There could be no doubt she was talking about Blue.

  Cleo met my eyes, and a mischievous sparkle that could rival Blue’s glinted in her green gaze.

  Behind me, there was a moment of demurring on Blue’s part, and adamant encouragement from her friends, but when Cleo nodded at me, I stood, doing as I was bid to do.

  With my eyes cast down, knowing their odd color would give me away, I took the hand that Cleo was holding.

  “Take her to the ocean nook, Gray.” Cleo traced a lazy line down the seam of my leather pants. I barely registered it as I held Blue’s hand in mine, a hand that was trembling. “Gray, here, will see to all your needs, my pretty girl.”

  Fuck, those words made the beast in me rise to its feet.

  “Um.. I’m honored. Thank you, Mistress.” Blue curtsied, her voice thin and high.

  With my heart hammering and my cock about to bust its confines of the tight pants I was wearing, I didn’t look back as I guided my girl to one of the privacy rooms.

  I had to seriously think about what I was going to do next. I couldn’t not go inside the nook with Blue. I couldn’t leave the club, either. And I couldn’t let my desire have full reign. What the fuck was I going to do?

  I’d have to tell her it was me.

  A silk screen with a sea motif was the only thing to prevent prying eyes from seeing most of the inside of the nook. The area was carved like a bowl, creating a space that was nest-like. I let Blue go inside ahead of me. Then, on my hands and knees, I crawled onto the many cushions. She sat with her legs curled under her, her hands in her lap.

  And fuck me, if my body didn’t start betraying me as I watched her, hungry like the beast I had inside me.

  She smiled shyly. “You really don’t need to be here,” she said with a hint of a blush on her cheeks. She looked everywhere but at me as I crept closer. “My friends are just worried about me, see. And uh…”

  Sitting on my heels, I took her hand from her lap and drew one of her fingers into my mouth, sucking, licking. Still, she wouldn’t meet my eyes.

  “Um… that’s very nice of you but..” She sighed when my hand cupped her jaw. I turned her head to face me, drawing her bottom lip down with my thumb. Finally, when her wintery blues gazed up at me, recognition formed there.

  I pulled her to my hungry mouth, crushing her sweet lips.

  She was lost in the kiss just as I was, but it only lasted a few seconds before she pulled away. “Pinn? My God, is that really you?” Her hands went to my shoulders, pushing me away. “Wait. Why are you here? Is this some kind of joke?”

  She seemed to be on the edge between pissed the fuck off and about to cry.

  “No joke. And, yes, beautiful girl, it’s me,” I said quietly. I couldn’t take off the mask since most of the piece involved theatre glue and I was still on the clock. Damn Cleo and her games.

  Relief seemed to wash over her at my words and her hands fell back to her lap. She was still wary, though. “You work here? I thought you worked at a shop?” Her eyes roamed my mask, its blunt stag antlers, the almost-real fur. The only things that not covered on my face were my eyes and mouth and the small holes for my nose to breathe through.

  “Just for a couple of nights,” I answered.

  She nodded. “Okay. And… Are you involved with…?” She waved her hand in the direction of the Playroom’s main area.

  “No. She’s a… family friend. Needed an extra hand with the help. I’m here until another Gray is replaced.”

  She relaxed then and looked down. “Why didn’t you come see me?”

  I reached for her and she let me.

  Inhaling the skin where her neck met her shoulder, I breathed her in, her hair tickling my chin. I took a handful and ran my fingers through it.

  She pushed me away again. “Stop. If this is part of the job, I don’t want it, Pinn.”

  I was drunk off of her. “What do you mean?” I asked, confused at her question.

  “This. I don’t want to be seduced by the help.” She gestured at my mask. “Looks like you have quite the clientele to pick from, anyway.”

  I grinned. I couldn’t help it. She noticed and started to crawl out of the space, but I quickly grabbed her around the waist, put her on her back, and held her down, pinning her wrists with my hands.

  I was practically heaving from wanting her. Hovering over her like a lord who’s captured his prize, or the Stag King claiming his win from the Wild Hunt.

  She tried to twist out from under me, but I straddled her thighs.

  “Let me the fuck go, Pinn, or I’ll scream!” she hissed.

  “Shh… just listen to me, okay? I’m not going to touch you, not going to seduce you. I just…” I swallowed, my eyes roaming her gorgeous face. She was all flushed, her eyes wild.

  “Just what, Pinn?” she whispered. “Tell me.”<
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  “I just… Fuck. I missed you so goddamn much.”

  Her eyes softened. “Did you really?”

  I leaned down, inches from her mouth. “So fucking bad. Everyday. Every night.”

  “Then why didn’t you come see me?” Her voice was so small, so tender. I didn’t deserve to even look at her, she was so sweet.

  “You make me feel things that I…” I closed my eyes, frustrated that I couldn’t put it into words. “In my world, you’re like a young deer. And I’m the wolf, Blue.” I gave in to her scent and nuzzled her temple, her cheek. I couldn’t feel it, not for the mask, but I did it anyway. “The big, bad one.” My pulsed calmed, and I let out a contented sigh.

  She giggled. “I think you’re still the stag in this scenario. I’ll admit, though, I am the young deer.”

  My cock twitched. I wanted inside her so fucking bad.

  “Alright.” She sighed. “Let me go, Pinn. I believe you.” She wriggled her wrists, and once I freed them, she wrapped her arms around my naked back. “I’ve missed you, too. I almost visited you yesterday.” My eyes opened and my heart stopped as she continued, “But my friend Bethany told me not to, that you’d come to me if… if you weren’t really… if you wanted me.”

  I sat up and laid down next to her, then gently took her chin and held it. “One, don’t ever look for me in this city, Blue. Promise me that. It’s too dangerous.” I gave her a minute to nod. My tone was harsh, but she heard the seriousness in it. Blue was so damn intuitive that way. “Two, don’t ever, ever think I don’t want you. I want you so much it kills me.” Releasing her chin, I grabbed her hand. I threaded our fingers together and brought her knuckles to my mouth, kissing them.

  Her cheeks were flushed. “I still don’t understand, though.”

  How could I explain to her that she couldn’t live in my world? That Pop would never let me have her? Until the day Pop left this earth, I’d never be free.

  But someday…

  “I’m not a good man, Blue.” I swallowed. “There are things I do, that I have to do, that are bad. And until the day comes when I’m a free man, free to make my own life—”