First Comes Love: A Chronicles of Moxie Novel

by Z. B Heller

  “Okay!” Miles held his hand in the air to stop mystery man from finishing his sentence.

  Ryan turned to Tom. “What the fuck is this all about?”

  My own anger rose and I decided Tom had better cough up some answers before I created a new dish on the menu called Tom’s Peking Dick.

  “Honey, I can explain.” Tom’s voice shook.

  “Oh, this should be good.” I groaned and Miles gave me a little nudge under the table.

  “Is there somewhere we can go talk?” Tom took Ryan’s chin between his fingers, trying desperately to gain his attention.

  “Yeah, maybe you two can go to my apartment where your boyfriend sucked on my—”

  I stood up from the table, my chair falling backward and startling mystery man and the rest of the diners. “Listen, fuck twat. Say one more word and I’ll stick this pupu platter up your poo-poo so you’ll never be able to poo again in your life.”

  “Who’s this bitch?” Mystery man waved his hand in my direction.

  “She’s my bitch!” Renee stood up. Miles sat back in his chair with his arms folded across his chest and a smirk on his lips. Knowing him, watching me get all fired up turned him on. I expected some explosive sex later.

  “And who the fuck are you?” mystery man asked as he looked at Renee.

  That’s when Ryan got out of his seat. “Those, you motherfucker, are my best friends.”

  “Ryan, please,” Tom begged, pulling on his arm. “Let’s go somewhere and talk.”

  “What?” mystery man piped in. “You can’t defend yourself? You have to have someone with a pussy do it for you? No wonder Tom went looking for a real dick when all he had was pussy at home.”

  “Miles?” I looked down at my boyfriend as I took fighting position.

  “Yes?” He looked up. Miles wasn’t phased by all the drama. After dating me for a while, he figured out there was always something crazy happening around me.

  “If something happens to me, make sure you clear the hard drive on my computer. I’m donating my porn collection to you.”

  “Even the woman with three tits?” He chuckled.

  “No. Make sure I’m buried with that one.”

  “Damn.” He pounded the table with his fist. “I thought for sure that one was mine.”

  Renee and I moved around the table to stand in front of the douchebag. His shoulders shook with his laughter. Did we amuse him?

  “What are you girls going to do? Claw me to death with your Lee Press On Nails?”

  Miles tsk-tsked behind me. He knew what was in store for the bastard who hurt one of my best friends.

  “I’ll put ten dollars down that Renee will land the final blow,” Raj said to Miles.

  “I’ll take your ten and raise you another twenty that Moxie will make sure he’s permanently blind afterward,” Miles responded.

  However, they were both proven wrong when Ryan barreled toward mystery man and tackled him onto the table next to ours. Plates, silverware, and glasses went crashing and people jumped out of the way. Ryan wrestled the asshole while Renee and I watched in amazement. Ryan was strong, but I never realized he had the drive to take on another man and beat his ass down.

  Liv, the petite woman with mystery man, pounced onto Ryan’s back. No way was I about to let that happen. I quickly looked around the room. I wanted to make a statement, and that bitch was going to get knocked the fuck out, but I didn’t want to get my new top bloody.

  Without thinking—as usual—I ran to the front of the restaurant and stuck my hand in the koi pond.

  “What you doing? What you doing? No fish, no fish!” The little Chinese hostess ran behind me, hoping to save the koi I had chosen as my club.

  “This is what your crotch smells like!” I whacked the girl clawing Ryan’s back.

  She hopped off Ryan and faced me. She wrinkled her nose and tried swatting the fish out of my hand. “Are you really hitting me with a fish?”

  Renee approached, holding a pair of chopsticks like little machetes. “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked her.

  “What? You’re allowed to use a fish, and I can’t use chopsticks? That seems a little unfair.”

  “But I’m Wonder Woman in this fight and you’re whoever Wonder Woman’s sidekick is.”

  “Are you kidding me? I don’t want to be a fucking sidekick. My chopsticks are small but mighty. I can poke someone’s eye out.” Renee waved her chopsticks in the air.

  The next thing I knew, a fist hit my face, and I stumbled back into someone’s table and into their chicken lo mein.

  “That’s a waste of good Chinese food,” I managed to say.

  A pair of large hands took my arms and helped me up from the noodle pool I was sitting in. I looked over Miles’s shoulder at the crotch monster I had miserably failed to take down.

  Miles bent down and lifted me over his shoulder, giving me a perfect view of his ass. As Miles walked toward the door, I lifted my head, raised a fist, and called out to the people in the restaurant, “The Fish Ninja will return, just you wait!”

  Ten days had passed since, what I liked to refer to as Koi Gate, had happened. Moxie sported the yellow-brown remnants of a nasty black eye from the bitch who’d punched her in the face. The bruise wasn’t as bad as the restaurant bill we had to pay for the koi fish Moxie murdered trying to protect Ryan’s honor. Koi aren’t cheap. I told her I thought it was sexy when she tried to be all gallant even if she smelled of giant goldfish. She didn’t appreciate my humor and threatened to stick another one of the koi up my ass. She was so hot when she was feisty.

  There was something else bothering Moxie following the incident at the restaurant. I kept asking her what was wrong, but she just gave me the everything is fine answer. I’d been around women long enough to know that was code for something is totally wrong, but you have to become a clairvoyant and figure it out for yourself. But I was a man and I’d been told that our species was obtuse. Or at least that was what the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus book said, or something to that effect. I figured I would wait it out, and when she was ready to talk to me, I’d be here. I might have to wear a cup to protect the family jewels, but I would be willing to listen.

  Moxie’s holiday break from school was coming up, and I had a massive plan in place for it. She was overdue for a vacation, and what I had planned would make it a vacation she would never forget. But I needed help setting everything into motion, The perfect person for the job was Ryan, but he was still distressed. Tom had been cheating on him with several different guys over the past six months, so Ryan kicked him out. Because Tom was so OCD, he’d been able to cover his tracks, leaving Ryan in the dark. After everything went down, Ryan went into a huge depression, eating Ben & Jerry’s and binge watching Project Runway. Moxie went over there to his place a few times, but wasn’t able to make it past the door even after threatening to burn his favorite Marc Jacobs V-neck sweater. But I needed Ryan’s help if I was going to make this plan work. I picked up my phone and send him a text.

  Hey man, how are you?

  I waited awhile before I finally got a response.

  If you are someone with a penis, I no longer speak to your breed.

  Don’t you think it’s time to rejoin society?

  Don’t you think it’s time you become gay and sucked my dick?

  This was going to be harder then I thought.

  I need yours and Renee’s help.

  Her birthday isn’t until May, dude.

  Whose? Renee?

  No, Moxie’s, dipshit.

  I swore if I didn’t feel bad for him, I’d go to his place and throttle him. However, I was trying to be patient about Ryan’s heartbreak. Moxie said we would give him ten more days to mope and then we were taking him to a gay bar to get laid. I corrected her and told her that she would be taking him to a gay bar to get laid.

  I know that, asswipe. That’s not what I need help with.

  Man, I know you think I am the sex king, however, I cou
ldn’t tell you what to do with a vagina.

  I need your advice about vaginas as much as I need advice on how to lick my own balls.

  Moxie doesn’t do that for you?

  Listen, dickhead, are you going to help or not?

  Fuck, man. No need to jump down my throat. I only reserve that for guys I’m screwing.

  I need to get Moxie out of here. She needs a vacation. She seems out of sorts, and I thought a getaway might be good for her.

  That and I wanted to keep all of our sanities intact. Her mood swings lately were making my head spin.

  And how does this involve me?

  It involves you, Renee, and Dillion.

  If you’re asking me to go to Wisconsin Dells, there is no fucking way it’s going to happen.

  I was thinking more like Disney World.

  Are you fucking Goofy?

  Just think about it, okay? Crap, Moxie’s here, gotta run.

  Sure, just leave me to rot and plan my days as a single man with four hundred cats.

  Moxie walked into the room just as I was about to lecture Ryan about being too dramatic and the proper usage of puns. I made sure to delete the texts. If everything fell into place, this vacation would be the best of her life. The most complicated part of this plan was telling Moxie I wouldn’t be going with her.

  “Hey, sweetness,” I said as I approached her. She held her hands to stop me from getting closer. Her face had a greenish tint. “What’s wrong? You don’t look so hot.”

  She narrowed her blue eyes and actually bared her teeth like a rabid dog. “Are you saying that I’m not hot anymore?” she hissed. “’Cause let me tell you, that whole nose hair trimming thing you’ve got going on makes me what to shove daggers in my eyes.”

  Whoa, that came out of left field. Okay, I admitted my nose hair wasn’t the most appetizing thing to watch. But why the hell was she watching? That was kind of creepy.

  “And since we’re on the subject of things that aren’t hot, let’s talk about the moaning sound you make when you chew your food. It’s like your fucking the food you eat.”

  “Funny, I could have sworn you like that moaning sound I make when I eat you.” I smirked. Yes, I knew I was provoking her, but a pissed off Moxie was a sexy Moxie. Instead of the conversation turning into hot foreplay, she pushed against my chest and walked to the bedroom, mumbling under her breath. When she slammed the door, the whole house shook. From my experience over the years, I learned women were complicated and when to pick my battles. But I was not to let her walk all over me. My mother taught me to always respect someone, even if they were acting like a raving maniac on crack.

  Shortly after Moxie’s grand entrance and disappearance, Dillion came home from school. I was happy my son was home because he always seemed to calm Moxie down. And if that didn’t work, I could always use him as a deflector if Moxie started throwing things at me.

  “Hey, Dad.” My son dropped his backpack on the kitchen chair.

  I rubbed his floppy brown hair and gave him a hug. “Hey, dude. How was your day?”

  “It was okay. I told Mrs. Richards that my dad’s girlfriend is also a teacher.”

  “Oh yeah? Did she think that was cool?”

  “Yes, until I told her that Moxie said the youth of today were headed for an eternity in hell.”

  Moxie flew out of the bedroom like a bat out of hell, nostrils flaring, eyes thinned to slits. She had my nose trimmer in her hand.

  “See!” she shouted. “It’s got little hairs that used to be in your nose stuck in it. How would you feel if I put these little nose hairs in your teeth?”

  It was then she noticed Dillion, and as if the little man was a salve, Moxie’s tense shoulders dropped and her features softened.

  “Hey, kiddo,” she said while she hid the trimmer behind her back.

  “Trying to get that one hair on your chin again?” Dillion asked, putting a finger on his chin.

  I raised my eyebrows at Moxie. My son had some balls; I was so proud. I was still confused by Moxie’s tirade. I could do the asshole guy thing and blame it on her time of the month, but that time usually resulted in Moxie lying on the floor, screaming that she thought she was dying.

  “I may or may not have used this trimmer to remove the goat hairs that reside on my chin,” she said, straightening her shoulders and putting the trimmer on the counter. Dillion giggled, grabbed a snack from the fridge, and walked into the other room to use his tablet.

  “I call truce,” I said, walking up to her and putting my arms around her waist. I kissed her forehead. She sunk into my arms and reciprocated my hug. “What happened? Talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know why, but everything seems to send me over the edge these days. Mrs. Walker, the lunch lady, said that they were out of tater tots at lunch today, and I threatened to tie her up by her hairnet and dip her in hot oil.”

  Suddenly, I became fearful of my life. If Moxie was sent over the edge by the lunch lady, whom she worshiped, then anything I said could send her over the edge. I had to tread carefully.

  “Guess what? I have a surprise!” I pushed Moxie’s shoulder back so I could look at her face. I plastered on a fake smile and started to bounce on my feet. “I booked a vacation to Disney World for winter break.”

  The room was silent for two beats, and then Dillion screamed with excitement and ran all over the house as if his pants were on fire. He’d been asking me to take him to Disney forever, and this will make it a vacation he hopefully will never forget.

  “Umm, wow. This is kind of sudden. You didn’t think to ask me about this first?” Moxie didn’t radiate the same excitement Dillion had.

  I tried to gage her reaction. She bit the corner of her lip and her forehead formed a crease. “I figured you were stressed and could use a little break from the daily grind. I wanted it to be a surprise.” I rubbed her shoulders. Her reaction wasn’t what I had hoped for. Instead of being excited at the prospect of a vacation, Moxie looked as if she were a million miles away.

  Finally breaking out of her trance, she said, “You’re right. It will nice to get out of here for a little while. The three of us haven’t gone away together since that time at Lake Geneva in the summer.”

  I held my breath and rub her shoulders to ease some of the stress I felt gathering in her muscles.

  “There’s a small problem in the plan.” The words were almost painful to hear.

  “What? Is Martha coming? Because she could easily be counted as one of the Disney villains.” Moxie smiled.

  “No, Martha isn’t going. But if you want her to—”

  “No!”

  That wasn’t a surprise. Moxie hated her stepmother. I inhaled deeply and looked toward the ceiling, praying for some help from mystical powers. “I’m not going,” I finally choked out.

  “What?” The shrill sound of her voice made the windows around the room crack. She turned around to face me, daggers shooting from her eyes and heading right at me.

  “I need to stay here for work. They won’t let me take any time off. I even tried begging. But I thought it would be good for you to get away. I even invited Ryan and Renee to go.” I pumped my fists in the air. “Yay, group trip!”

  When I got cold silence, I went on. “It’s going to be so fun, and it’s an awesome way for you and Dillion to bond.”

  But there was nothing but silence and eye daggers. Shit! I knew she would be pissed, but I was going through this whole ruse for us and we would look back on it and say, “Remember that time you almost castrated me with a hair trimmer?”

  Moxie turned to the counter and picked up the hair trimmer. She looked at me with a mix of sadness and anger and then turned around to walk back into the bedroom.

  I let out a sigh. I prayed this trip would help her work out whatever she was going through emotionally, since she couldn’t talk about it with me. And hopefully by the time I got there, my Moxie would be back in full force.

  I sat in the gyne
cologist’s office with a bunch of other women. Most women were here for their annual checkup. There was nothing more exciting than spending a Friday afternoon with your legs in stirrups and the metal jaws of death spreading your hooha open. Good times.

  But there were other women here with the glow. That same glow you get when you discover you’re going to have a baby. I didn’t have the glow. I had perpetual fear. I thought about sitting on the floor of my bathroom earlier that morning and staring at the pregnancy test, one of thirty that I purchased. I had to drink a boat full of water to make sure I had a cup full of pee to dip all the sticks in. I figured that would be easier than trying to hold and hit all the sticks while I peed.

  I lined them up in rows. The ones that showed double lines on the top and the digital ones on the bottom. I had read the directions for each package. Even the Spanish instructions. Well, positivo and negativo were the only words I could read, and they were pretty damn clear when the results of the test appeared.

  Why were the women on the packages always smiling and holding their stomach as if being pregnant was like winning the lottery. There needed to be a model who looked scared shitless and wailing like her dog had just died. I would volunteer to be the model because I could have sworn that I shit my pants as I looked at all the positive results.

  The answer to my future was in two pink lines on a stick. Not a fortune cookie or a wish granted from a shooting star. A pee-stained stick held everything I would need to know for the rest of my life. The only things I enjoyed on sticks were fudge pops or the occasional popsicle. But those never told me if I was going to have to change shitty diapers for the next three years.