“You’re a good man, Clay. A lot of people would be a lot worse off without you.”
“I don’t know if that’s true. He wants to reenlist. Things might be better for him if he does. I understand his desire to.”
That statement struck her right in the chest. They hadn’t talked anymore about his job offer, or the fact that he might be moving away. They just moved on. Moved closer together. She put it out of her mind. Stupidly shoved it down and had forced herself to forget about it. But the thought of him leaving never completely left her mind. “Is that what you’re doing? Reenlisting?”
“No. I’m not going back into the army.”
“Then what exactly is this job overseas?” She hadn’t asked him before. It wasn’t her business before, but she was becoming more and more attached to him, every day she loved him a little more and so did Aubrey. Their engagement might have been fake, but the relationship was real, and she had the right to know.
“It’s for a defense contractor. I would be training security forces.”
“So you would be in a different type of army?” She tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible, but this job was hanging over them. And as more time passed she wondered if he was going to drop it on her that he was leaving.
“I would mostly be on a private compound.”
“Are private compounds in war torn countries really all that much safer?”
“Daisy…”
“Don’t Daisy me. Is it safer?”
“Yes, it is.”
“But it’s not safe. There is danger. There will always be danger and that’s what men like you always crave, isn’t it? You’re just like Danny–”
“Don’t you dare compare me to your husband. I am not him, but I understand. You have no idea what it’s like to not know when you’re going to have a flashback. You don’t know what it’s like to not know when it’s coming or what will cause it. You don’t know what it’s like for me to be in a large group of people. If I see a guy wearing a big jacket, I wonder what the hell he’s got under there. If I see a backpack, I think there might be an explosive in there. I can’t walk into a room without thinking about possible escape routes. I’m on guard all the time. Every fucking moment of my life because that’s how I was trained to be. Every parked car, every cagey looking guy, every package I see I think might be something to end my life. People think you are crazy for being that way. And no one else gets it, but the people who were over there do. So it’s not danger we’re craving. Nobody wants to wake up knowing that this might be the day they die, but at least over there all the feelings would be normal.”
She didn’t know what to say to that. She just knew how she felt and it was shitty. “I don’t want you to die, Clayton.”
“And I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life here, but–” The door opened and Sarah came rushing in.
“I’m sorry! I got stuck in traffic. Main Street is a mess. I know you have your meeting soon.”
“Yes. I have to go get Aubrey.” She stepped away from Clayton. “I’m in kind of a bind. I have to bring Aubrey back here. Would you mind watching her for me for a little while? I’ll throw a few extra dollars in your paycheck for it.”
“I can get Aubrey,” Clayton said. “I can take her home and feed her. You know I would. Why didn’t you ask me?”
That made her pause. Asking him never crossed her mind. “I didn’t even think about it.”
Clayton glanced at Sarah before he pulled Daisy out the door and out of ear shot. “I’m your boyfriend. I’m more than your boyfriend. I’m a part of your life and you never considered asking.”
“I’ve always had to do things by myself when it came to Aubrey. Ever since I got her. Danny refused.”
“I’m not him, damn it!”
“No, but you’re like him. Or maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just not good enough to stick around for.”
“Daisy, I…”
“Can you pick Aubrey up for me? I would really appreciate that.” She walked away from him then, feeling on the verge of tears.
*
Clayton sat on Daisy’s porch waiting for her to come home that evening. He didn’t like how they had left things. He didn’t like that she was upset with him and he sure as hell didn’t like the fact that she didn’t think she could depend on him. He wasn’t Danny. They had both served their country, but he wasn’t her former husband. And as much as he wanted to be mad at her for comparing them, he couldn’t. Because in the end they were similar creatures. Suffering from the same effects of war.
Her car pulled in the driveway a few minutes later and she stepped out, looking as beautiful as he had ever seen her in a little white sundress and pink heels. She walked up to the porch, hips swaying, her wavy hair flowing reminding him of a 50’s sex siren. She made his heart beat faster every time he saw her. Her effect of him hadn’t grown less yet. He wasn’t tired of her. And every day that he was with her, he counted his blessings for knowing her.
She didn’t smile when she saw him, which was unusual for her. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was upset. Not angry, but upset and that killed him.
“Hey.” He stood up to greet her, but she motioned for him to sit back down.
“Hey.” She sat next to him on the porch swing and rested her head on his shoulder. He felt a heaviness around her and dread welled inside him. “Where’s Aubrey?”
“The Scotts took her to dinner. I texted you.”
“Oh. I must have missed it. I was on the phone with your mother.”
“My mother called you?”
“She calls me every day. She wants to pay for our engagement photos and wanted to know if I have a preference for a photographer.”
“Oh.”
“She’s excited about the wedding. She says that she thinks I would look great in a 50’s style wedding gown. But it’s our wedding so of course I can wear whatever I want, but she can picture my dress in her head and she wanted to tell me.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That it was still too soon to think about it.” She looked up at him. “I can’t do this anymore.” She slipped the ring off her finger and set it in his hand. It felt like someone had shot him in the chest. It felt worse than being blown up. He didn’t think a simple action could hurt so much but it did. It did, and it left him breathless. “I know you were just trying to help me, but this is only going to end up hurting people.”
“I-I…” he trailed off not able to get any words out. He wanted to say that he didn’t want her to take it off, that he loved her, that even though it had been only two months that he wanted her forever, that he was starting to think he couldn’t live anything close to a happy life without her.
But that would be crazy to say, wouldn’t it? Because it had been too soon. Eight weeks wasn’t enough. And he was still fucked up. Couldn’t go a week without having a bad dream. Couldn’t hear fireworks without thinking of gun fire. Couldn’t be in a crowd without wondering who was there to cause harm. And that wasn’t fair to her. She had already lived with one man who went through it.
Was it fair to ask her to live through it with another?
He couldn’t promise her he would get better. He couldn’t promise her that he would be whole again.
He had heard Jonathan Davies’s story. The guy thought he was fine, that he was readjusting and then he saw the twin brother of his best friend who he had died next to in combat and he spiraled downward. His wife left him. His family didn’t understand him. All it took was one trigger for that to happen. Clayton knew he was capable of losing control.
He didn’t want it to happen. He didn’t want to put Daisy through any more. She had already been through enough.
“I don’t want it back.” He handed it to her. “I bought it for you.”
“I can’t keep it. It will just remind me of you.”
“Why are we breaking up? We don’t have to break up. I know you love me. I can feel it.”
“I do. I
fell in love with you. Too hard and too fast. And it scares me because it’s a different kind of love than I felt for my husband. I could stay with you, but I refuse to be the woman waiting at home for a phone call, dreading every knock at the door because I’m afraid somebody will tell me you’re gone. I need more. I deserve more. I want a father for my kid, and more babies, and a man who wants to stay here and be with me and nowhere else. I’ve been down this road with a man I couldn’t be enough for and I can’t do it again. So we do have to break up. This has to be goodbye.” She stood up, slipping the ring back into his hand before she leaned in to kiss him one last time.
It was one of the sweetest kisses he had ever received, but it felt like a goodbye kiss and he hated it. He knew he didn’t want to say goodbye to her.
*
Clayton sat on Daisy’s porch for a long time after she had went inside. She knew because she watched him sit there. Almost like he was frozen. She was afraid that she might have hurt him. And for a moment she was tempted to go outside and take it all back, but she knew she couldn’t because he made no move to stop this, to tell her that he wanted it to be real, to tell her that he’d rather stay here and build a life with her than spend it thousands of miles away with people who didn’t love him.
So she sat inside and watched him sit there until he got in his truck and drove away.
Aubrey came in about an hour later, her grandparents carrying multiple bags. “What’s all this?” She smiled, but it was difficult to do with a heart so incredibly heavy. She didn’t want to let them or Aubrey know that anything was wrong. Not because she was afraid of what they might do or say, but she knew if she didn’t put on a happy face she would crumble. And she couldn’t crumble. Not yet.
“Camping stuff,” her grandfather said with a big grin. “Aubrey said she didn’t have a sleeping bag or a tent. So we got her one of each.”
“But it’s sleep away camp. There will be cabins and beds and all that good stuff.”
“I told him that, dear.” Miranda came over and softly kissed her cheek. “But he wants her to have it. I got her some cute little outfits and some sneakers. She’ll need them. Her father, God rest his soul, went through ten pairs a summer. He was always tromping through mud and running through puddles. Or just growing like a weed. I got the next size up.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, Daisy. I love shopping for her. It makes me happy.”
“We got a present for you, Mama. Grandma, can we give it to her?”
“Yes, darling. Of course.” Miranda took a simple silver bangle with two charms on it. One that said Mom, the other was a little daisy.
“I didn’t buy you anything for Mother’s Day,” Aubrey said softly. “Uncle Danny died so no one was there to take me shopping.”
“Oh.” Daisy’s eyes filled with tears. She had forgotten about that. Danny always made sure she had a present from Aubrey. He always took her out for breakfast that morning. He always told her that she was a good mother even though he couldn’t be a good father. Even though she was mad at him for a lot, it was things like that that made her remember why she loved him. “You don’t have to buy me anything. I love what you made me in school, but this is very beautiful too.”
“Don’t cry, Mama.” Aubrey wrapped her arms around her waist. “It’s just a bracelet.”
“She picked it out herself,” Warren said. “She’s a thoughtful, kind person and you have done an excellent job raising her.” He placed a comforting hand on her back. “I’m going to retire soon. I’ve spent enough time in Washington. Miranda and I were talking about buying a house here. That way we could help you out with her more.”
“We’re sorry about how we started things off,” Miranda said carefully. “We just wanted to make sure she was taken care of and we learned that she is wonderful and she wouldn’t be so without you.”
“Thank you,” she choked out. More tears slid out of Daisy’s eyes until she was crying softly.
“Oh, honey.” Miranda cupped one of Daisy’s cheeks in her slender hand. “Thank you for being so good to us.”
*
There was a knock at Clayton’s door around eight o’clock the next night and when he opened it he was surprised to see Aubrey standing there alone.
“You didn’t come for dinner,” she said plainly. “This is two nights now.”
“Oh.” He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect to see the curious little girl at his door. “Does your mother know you’re here?”
“No. I just came. Mama seems sad. Nona Loretta is away in Cape Cod. We used to go, but Mama gets very sad there because Uncle Danny isn’t alive.”
“Oh,” he said again, feeling at a loss. “Your mother didn’t tell you why she was sad?”
“No. She says she’s just tired. I’m going away to camp next week. Maybe she doesn’t want me to go.”
“She’ll miss you, but she wants you to go.”
Aubrey nodded. “You didn’t come over for dinner,” she said again.
“I had to work late,” he lied to her. Daisy hadn’t told her, and he sure as hell didn’t want to be the one to. “I might be working late a lot. I might get a new job that I have to move away for.”
“That’s not a good idea,” Aubrey said. “You’re supposed to marry Mama. She loves you.”
“I know she does.”
“I want you to take me to camp. I’m going on Sunday. I want you to drive to Maine with me and Mama.”
“You don’t want to ride with just your mother. You won’t see her for a little while. You can spend the time talking.”
“No,” she said firmly. “She doesn’t like to drive far by herself. You need to come. You love her.”
He nodded because he did love her, but he couldn’t agree to drive her up to Maine. He and Daisy were supposed to be done. “You have to ask your mother if I can.”
“She’ll say yes.” She reached for his hand. “Come over for dessert. We’ll eat ice cream tonight.”
He went with her. He couldn’t tell her no if he wanted to. But he wanted to go. He wanted to be in Daisy’s warm, cozy house. He want to see her face, and hear her voice and feel her touch.
Daisy was standing in the living room when they walked into the house. “There you are! You know you aren’t supposed to step foot out of this house without telling me where you are going. I couldn’t find you. I was scared.”
“I went to get Clayton. He didn’t come over. I thought you missed him.”
She looked up at him. She looked miserable, but beautiful in a pair of white gray cotton shorts and a blue tank top. Her hair was thrown on top of her head in a messy bun. “I didn’t know where you were. You should have told me.”
“I’m sorry, Mama.”
“Don’t be mad at her Daisy. She wanted us to have ice cream.”
“He didn’t come for dinner,” Aubrey said. “Clayton always comes for dinner. I wanted to see him.”
“Okay. But don’t leave the house without asking me again.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Go get everything set up. We’ll be in there soon.”
A moment later they were alone. Daisy had her arms crossed, her foot was tapping anxiously. She didn’t want him there.
“You didn’t tell her.”
“I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t want to tell her.” Tears flashed in her eyes and she shut them quickly to block them from him. “She loves you. And I can’t tell her that somebody else she loves is walking away from her.”
“I’m not walking away.” He gathered her close and kissed the side of her face.
“But you’re not sure you want to stay.”
He stroked his hand down her back. “Tell me what you want, Daisy.”
“A man who loves me as much as I love him. A father for Aubrey. For the rest of my children. A real family. In this town.”
“You should have all that.” She should have the perfect life. She deserved the perfect life.
“Excuse me,” Aubrey said. “I got everything out. We can eat together now.”
Clayton had stayed that night. He couldn’t make himself go away and Daisy hadn’t asked him to leave. They didn’t make love, but he went to bed with her. He woke up with her that morning and when he kissed her goodbye it was as if he could taste her sadness. Like she was in mourning for him, even though he was right before her.
He felt like hell. He didn’t want it to end, but he wasn’t sure he could give her what she deserved.
He wasn’t sure if he could always keep his demons at bay. He walked into Sweet Eats after he left her house. He had come in for coffee and something sweet, but he was surprised to see Maggie behind the counter taking orders instead of at work in her own store. She saw him and the smile melted off her face. She turned to another employee handing them the piece of paper before she came over to him. She said nothing, just tugged on his arm and pulled him to the back of the bakery where the cozy arm chairs were.
“What’s wrong, Clay? What’s happened?”
“Nothing. Why are you working behind the counter? Where’s Alex?”
“He went to pick his father up from the airport. His original flight was canceled and he was rerouted to Albany. And yes there is something wrong. You look like shit and your beard is growing back. What’s the matter?” She touched his knee. “It’s Daisy, isn’t it?”
He didn’t want to admit it to Maggie. Hell, he didn’t want to admit it to himself. “She broke up with me.”
“But why? She’s crazy about you. I see the way she looks at you, the way she treats you.”
The engagement might have been fake, but it didn’t feel fake. There were times he had forgotten the sham and thought about her becoming his wife, thinking about their future together. “We might have rushed into things.”
A Curvy Girl for the Cadet: A Perfect Fit Novella Page 17