Everyone’s running around fussing over last-minute stuff. Harrison, the junior who’s doing the makeup tonight, comes up to look me over one more time. He applies more light pink lipstick and dabs a tissue to my chin and nose.
“I feel like a clown,” I say, sighing.
“That’s because you don’t usually wear makeup.” He scowls at me. “That black crayon you line your eyes with doesn’t count.”
“Yeah, but…isn’t this too dramatic a change? From nothing to—” I gesture in front of my face in a circular motion “—this?”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “Like I already said, you look gorgeous. Your skin is to die for, and now that your brows are shaped and your hair is back to its natural color, it’s like looking at a different person.”
“But it’s so much makeup, Harrison.”
Rolling his eyes, he repeats what he’s been telling me for the past hour. “The stage lights wash you out. You have to wear more for it to look average on stage. Will you just trust me?”
“I’m trying,” I say weakly.
“Did I come hover over your sets and ask if that paint shade was right?”
I sigh heavily. “No.”
“This is because I’m a guy, isn’t it? You assume all guys only do drag queen makeup?”
“No! I didn’t say anything like that.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders. “Gin, relax. I get it. You’re used to blending in, but for the next two hours, you’re gonna stand out. Like it or not.”
“Not,” I admit, cringing. “I still can’t believe Chase did this to me.”
Harrison scrunches his face and mocks crying. “Poor Gin. She’s rich, and the golden boy follows her around like a lost puppy with emoji heart eyes. And she’s a natural redhead.”
“Places!” Mr. Douglas calls out.
Harrison puts a hand on the handle of my bucket, tugging at it.
“Gin, let go.”
“But…I need it.”
“You can’t take a bucket on stage with you.” He pulls harder, taking it from me, and I feel truly naked.
My first costume is ragged clothes from Goodwill, and this is the one I’m most comfortable in. I take my place, reminding myself that the sooner the play starts, the sooner it will be over.
When the curtains open, I remember Mr. Douglas’s words. I pretend we’re just rehearsing again. I don’t look at the audience at all. Even if I seem to be looking at them, I’m not.
Once I get the first five minutes behind me, I start to relax. When Ellie faces bullies at school, I channel my own feelings from the past six weeks. As she confesses her love for Prince Charming, I picture Chase.
At some point that I can’t even put my finger on, I start having fun. I know this part well. With every laugh, every smile over my shoulder, I become Ellie rather than Gin.
Ellie is a daydreamer who doesn’t think she’s anything special. I’m the opposite—a practical realist who knows she belongs somewhere bigger and broader than Roper, Missouri. But as I see through Ellie’s eyes, I start to think that maybe I could be more like her. Maybe I should.
I become so focused on my delivery that I stop keeping track of time. I want to do Ellie justice.
In the kissing scene Aiden and I only practiced once, he honors my wish and kisses me beside my lips rather than on them. I’ve never had a real kiss, and I didn’t want my first one to be with him, in front of an audience.
By the time I have to walk onstage in the long, sleeveless emerald gown my mom and I picked out at a New York boutique yesterday, I’m not nervous anymore. With the smooth, shiny red hair it took six hours in a hair salon to get and this beautiful dress I let my mom talk me into, I’m not the Gin I was before.
If nothing else, I did this, and I’m proud of myself for that. I stepped into a leading role I never thought I’d have to play, and because of me, we didn’t have to cancel the show.
It’s easier to be brave than vulnerable. Standing on the principles my mom taught me was easier than this was. In black eyeliner and baggy clothes, I send a message that I’m above style and completely unconcerned with what anyone thinks.
But tonight, I’m on stage. Lights are shining on me. Everyone is looking. I’m asking them to not just see me as playing a pretty, would-be princess, but to believe I could actually be one.
That’s raw in a way I’ve never allowed. And by the end of the play, I have tears in my eyes because I’m so damn proud that I put myself out there.
We soak in the applause. And as we all stand there listening to the cheers of approval, I finally look into the audience.
And there he is. Chase is in the front row, as promised. He’s wearing a light blue dress shirt and khakis, and he’s beaming. No one is clapping louder or cheering harder. His gaze never leaves me. I smile back, knowing he was right to push me into this role. He believed in me more than I believed in myself.
My mom and Michael are just a couple rows behind him. Even from the stage, I can see that my mom is crying. Michael passes her a tissue, and I get a premonition that Michael is soon to be more than the caretaker of our house. It makes me happy.
Once backstage, I’m mobbed with hugs and congratulations. When one person finishes hugging, another takes over. Even Madison greets me from her crutches.
“Hey,” she says. “Cute dress.”
“Thanks.”
That’s as close as I’m getting to congratulations from her. I can tell she’s crushed she didn’t get to play Ellie, and I understand that.
My mom finds me and passes me two dozen calla lilies. Michael holds them as she crushes me in a hug, whispering tearfully in my ear.
“I’ve never been so proud. I can’t stop crying. I know I’m making a fool of myself, but I can’t stop.”
My eyes fill with tears as she talks. I love her so much. I can’t imagine not seeing her every day anymore. I thought leaving Roper would only be sweet, but there will be some bitter mixed in too.
When Mom pulls away to mop her cheeks again, Michael hands me the lilies with a smile. But as soon as Mom sees Chase rushing my way, she grabs them back out of my arms.
Chase is grinning like never before. He passes me a dozen pale pink carnations with tissue paper wrapped around the bunch, then sweeps me into his powerful embrace, lifting my feet from the floor as he spins me around.
“You were amazing, Gin,” he says in my ear. “I’m blown away.”
“I can’t believe I did it.”
“I can.”
I just hold on to him, taking in the solid feel of his broad back beneath my arms and the brush of his hair against my cheek.
“Thank you for the flowers,” I say in his ear. “They’re beautiful.”
“I’ll never give you another rose again,” he says in a low tone.
He sets me back on the ground, locks his eyes on mine, and cups my face in his large hands.
We’re surrounded by people, but we might as well be the only ones in the world. I can’t hear, see, or feel anything but Chase as he leans down to kiss me.
His lips are a soft contrast to the slight stubble on his face. My heart flips and flops, scrambling to find its pace again. The kiss is only a couple seconds long, but it carries a promise of more to come. The heat in Chase’s eyes vows the next one won’t be so sweet.
My body burns with desire for him. This is the best day of my life. I got to play a character who got her Prince Charming, and my real-life one is kissing me backstage.
Chase leans in to say something in my ear.
“Please don’t change your hair back, I love it.”
I smile, a flush creeping up my neck to my face.
“Okay, I’ll keep it.”
“Also, I’m gonna need to take you out on a date.”
I pull back and look at him, brows arched. “A date?”
He nods. “As soon as possible. Right now would be great. You should keep the dress on.”
I laugh as he leans his forehead down a
gainst mine. “I promised Mom and Michael we’d go out with them tonight. How about if we go out alone tomorrow night?”
“Deal,” he says.
Everyone is looking at us. But now, the looks are happy ones. No one’s judging or angry. And finally, I’m okay with them looking. My plan to stay unseen this year was a fail, but I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it was supposed to be.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chase
I can’t stand to be in my own house anymore. I slept there, and this morning, I got the hell out and I plan to stay gone as late as I can.
My mom’s arm was in a sling when I saw her making coffee on my way out of the house. This time, she didn’t try to tell me she fell. We both know what happened. Our eyes met across the kitchen, and I said, “I’ll help you get out of here when you’re ready.”
Her expression was panicked as she hissed a whispered response. “Chase, don’t say things like that.”
I shook my head. “It’s not gonna get better, Mom. It could be Cassie or Alyssa next. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for them.”
“Keep talking like that, and he’ll kick you out,” she said.
“I don’t care.” I shrugged and left, spending the day working on the farm of a former Roper football player. He lets me work for him anytime I need some cash.
I went back home late in the afternoon for a shower, and then walked to Milano’s, the Italian place in downtown Roper where I’m meeting Gin.
She gives me a pointed look as soon as she walks in the front door and sees me. I slide out of the booth I’m sitting in and stand up, greeting her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Why wouldn’t you let me pick you up?” she asks. “Did you walk here?”
“Look, it’s bad enough I can’t pick you up for our first date because I don’t have a car. I’m sure as hell not letting you pick me up.”
“So what if you don’t have a car?” She shakes her head in frustration. “Next time, just let me drive, okay?”
“Yeah.” I grin at her, not willing to start out our date with an argument. “You look great.”
“Oh.” She puts a hand on her hair, which is loose around her shoulders. “Thanks.”
She’s wearing dark jeans, brown boots, and a green sweater. I’ve been attracted to Gin for a while now, but seeing her like this—looking fresh and confident—brings it to a new level.
We order sodas and a pizza to share, and as soon as the waitress leaves the table, Gin gives me a secret smile.
“What?” I ask.
“I listened to your game online the other night.”
“Oh yeah?”
She holds my gaze across the table. “I’ve never really gotten football. The excitement people feel when watching it, I mean. But I was getting into it. Every time you threw a complete pass, I was…proud of you.”
She looks down sheepishly. I reach across the table and take her hand.
“Hey, look at me,” I say. “I can’t tell you how great that makes me feel. Of all the people in the world I want to be proud of me, you’re at the very top.”
“I am?”
“Of course. I’m crazy about you, Gin. You know that.”
“Well, I mean…I figured there was something, because…the kiss and all…”
I stroke my thumb over her knuckles. “So, hey…I’m wondering something.” I clear my throat and square my shoulders. “Even though I’ve done stuff I’m not proud of and I can think of a hundred reasons I don’t deserve you, I want to be with you. When I saw you on stage with Aiden last night, I had this primal urge to beat the shit out of him and throw you over my shoulder.”
She arches her brows in amusement. “That would have stolen the show.”
“Yeah. Point is, I’m working on being a better person now, and I was thinking, you know, that if, from here on out, I do things in a way that makes me deserve you…will you be with me?”
Her lips part with surprise. “You mean like…in the future?”
“I mean right now.”
“Oh.” A slow smile creeps across her pretty face. “Yes, I’d like that.”
“I’ve never been in a relationship with just one girl. But since things started with us, I can’t even look at anyone else. You’re the only one I want.”
The waitress brings our sodas, and Gin lets go of my hand so she can put a straw in her Sprite.
“When did things start for us, for you?” she asks.
I think about it as I take a drink of my Coke. “I guess…that time I saw you at the Y. What about you?”
She laughs. “You know…third grade?”
“But you liked other guys in there too, right?”
“No. I’ve had a hardcore crush on you for a long time.”
“I never knew.” I take her hand again. “I mean, you mentioned before that you had a crush on me, and I’ve thought about it, but you never let on.”
“I would have been mortified for you to know. For anyone to know.”
“Why?”
“Because…” She shrugs. “You were out of my league.”
I shake my head. “No…you were out of mine. But I realized when I saw you with Aiden last night that I’d rather become the guy you deserve than lose you to someone else.”
Her smile lights up her blue eyes. “You’re the only one I want, too, Chase. But I’ve never had a relationship either, and I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“We can figure it out as we go.”
“Okay.”
I look from side to side, making sure no one is eavesdropping before I continue.
“Look, I need you to know that I’m not going to try to sleep with you. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I need to stay away from that altogether for a while. A long time. After what I’ve done, there’s no way I’d feel right about being with you. If we get there, I want it to mean something. For both of us.”
“Good. I feel the same way. I’m nowhere near ready for that.”
I sigh deeply. “Now that we’ve decided that, I need to ask what you think about something.”
“What’s that?”
“Do you think I should apologize to the girls I…you know…”
She squeezes my hand. “I think if you’re feeling like you should, you should.”
“I don’t even know how to begin to apologize for it. It feels shitty to just show up and say sorry and expect everything to be okay.”
“Sorry doesn’t mean everything’s okay. It just means you care enough to own what you did and show remorse.”
I nod. “That’s a good way to look at it.”
Gin cocks her head, forcing me to make eye contact with her. “Hey, what’s on your mind right now?”
I cringe. “The number of girls I have to apologize to. God, I’ve been an asshole.”
“Just look ahead, Chase. You can’t undo any of it.”
“The worst part of all of this is how much it makes me feel like my dad.” Shame floods me as I look away from Gin. “He treats my mom like shit, and that’s what I did to all those girls.”
“You didn’t have much of an example, but you figured out right and wrong for yourself.”
I tighten my hold on her hand. “My mom’s arm is in a sling. I guess my dad must’ve taken out my decision to go to Penn State on her. So that feels really shitty, too.”
“I can’t imagine.”
“I can’t wait to get the hell out of that house. I just wish I could take my mom and sisters with me.”
“If they ever need a place to go, they can go to my mom’s. She’ll let them stay as long as they need. Will you tell your mom that?”
Reluctantly, I nod. “I appreciate it. She’ll be embarrassed that you and your mom know what’s going on.”
“No need for that. Your dad’s the one who should be embarrassed.”
“Have you talked to your mom about it?”
“A little. She wanted me to tell you that you shouldn’t feel guilty ab
out any of it. That your mom can’t have better until she wants better.”
Our pizza comes, and we spend a minute eating in silence.
When I speak again, I say, “If I’m ever not good to you—in any way—call me out on it, okay?”
Gin smiles. “I wouldn’t be able to help myself from calling you out. And same here. I know I’m not perfect.”
“Yeah, but your mom’s taught you how to treat people a lot better than my parents taught me.”
“Hey, Chase?” Gin sets down her cup and gives me a serious look.
“Hmm?”
“If we’re doing this relationship thing, which I totally think we should do, it’s between you and me, okay? I don’t want us worrying about shit like whose parents are worse and who has a car.”
“Yeah, okay.”
A few people I know from school come into the restaurant. They wave at us and sit at a booth nearby, the girls eyeing Gin and me. I take her hand again, wanting everyone to know we’re together.
“How many people have told you how great your hair looks?” I ask.
She smiles. “A few.”
“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
The light pink blush that drives me crazy spreads across her face. Damn. Abstaining from sex will be hard with her nearby, but I know it’s the right thing.
“So,” she says in a low tone, “no sex, but we’ll still do…other stuff, right?”
“I’ll peck you on the cheek anytime you want.” I wink at her.
Her expression turns skeptical. “Uh-huh.”
“Yeah, we’ll get to other stuff. Stop being so horny.”
Gin’s mouth drops open with indignation. She tosses a pepperoni across the table, and it bounces off my cheek. I pick up a black olive from my plate and throw it at her. She ducks and avoids it.
“Better work on your throwing technique,” she says, laughing.
Even though things are still shit at home, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Gin is everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl and more. For the first time in my life, I’m falling hard for someone.
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