by Unknown
I wait breathy and excited as he fumblingly tries to unlock the door, and I stare up at his face, the tautness of his skin across his features. Then my brows pucker. I’ve seen him look this way before.
For some reason the image Neil makes reminds me of that night we shared in the hotel after he exploded over me speaking with Andy Despensa. Strange, but that night four years ago was exactly like this. Caveman Neil dragging me from the party. Rough, brutal, emotionally void sex. An odd, angry impatience to fuck me and a bludgeoning need to do it. Raging Neil and an endless night of hard fucking.
His mouth comes back to mine just as the door gives way behind me. We stumble through and my feet leave me, and only Neil’s quick hands save me. He scoops me up into him, my legs encircle his body, his fingers dig into my backside beneath my dress, and we continue to frantically consume each other’s flesh as he starts moving us toward the bedroom.
“Oh fuck,” he groans.
My eyes fly open. All motion has stopped, and Neil is frozen in place, staring at something in the living room. Struggling to catch my breath, I peek over my shoulder and my limbs go as tense as Neil’s are.
Oh shit! Jack!
He sets me quickly down on my feet. I jerk my clothing into place and turn.
“Hello,” Jack says in a way that makes my cheeks burn.
“Daddy, what are you doing here?” I ask and my dad’s gaze sharpens.
Crap, that came out lame, but I’m still in shock over finding my dad here and it is not even worth trying to figure out how he got into the apartment to be waiting for me.
I force a smile to my lips.
Jack arches a brow. “You are my daughter. Where should I be?”
Oh crud, he is keyed up with worry over me. It would be so much better if he just got angry sometimes. But worry is the worst. I’ve worried him, yet again, only this time I didn’t mean to do it. Shit!
Neil’s eyes lock on me and I lower my gaze from his. Quietly, he whispers, “You never called Jack, did you?”
I sink my teeth into my lower lip. Great, now I have angry Neil to deal with later.
“Shit, Chrissie,” he says under his breath and then Neil rakes his hair with his hand.
I finally find my words. “It would have been nice if you had let me know you were coming here, Daddy.”
Jack shrugs. “It would have been nice to be able to talk to you about the decisions you’re making in your life. I got home from the road, expecting to spend some time with my daughter. Found your boxes in the Santa Barbara house. What I didn’t find was you, Chrissie. The condo complex confirmed you’d moved out without leaving a forwarding address for them…” Jack’s blue eyes lock on me. “…or for me.”
I change course. “How did you know where I am?”
“Rene,” he says calmly, but he is fuming. “Unlike you, she answers her mobile phone when I call her.”
Damn you, Rene.
Trying not to look flustered, I reply, “I was going to call you, Daddy. Things have been crazy since we got to Seattle. But I wouldn’t have left Seattle without calling you.”
“No? You left Berkeley without calling me.”
I flush. The room fills with a heavy, awkward silence. Neil quickly recovers from his stupor and crosses the room with his hand outstretched. “Hey, Jack, how are you doing?”
I watch as they shake hands.
“I’m doing OK, Neil,” Jack replies graciously.
“Good to hear,” Neil says, with a slight nod. He looks like he wants to drop through the floor.
“Been hearing good things about you,” Jack says.
Neil shrugs. “Trying hard, Jack.”
“It will come. It will come. Keep your head on straight. Ignore the hype. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do and stay focused on the music and it will come.”
I stare at them, unable to believe my freaking ears. Did Jack really give one of his folksy motivational musician talks to Neil in the middle of his chastising me? Jeez—this keeps getting weirder and weirder.
I sink down on a chair and stare at my white Keds. Freaking unbelievable.
“Is there a twenty-four-hour diner or restaurant near here?” Jack asks Neil. “I’d like to take my daughter out to breakfast, if that’s fine with you, Neil.”
I roll my eyes. I’m sitting right here. Why don’t you ask me what I would like, Jack?
“It’s four in the morning, Daddy. I don’t want breakfast.”
His intense blue stare fixes on me in that way that screams this is not debatable, Chrissie.
“Hey, why don’t I just get out of your way?” Neil suggests, grabbing his jacket from the floor. “I can take a walk and let you guys have some privacy.”
Jack gives a slight smile. “Thanks. I’d appreciate that.”
Neil’s gaze shifts to me. “I’ll be back soon.”
I nod. You had better be, Neil.
Jack and I sit, both holding our tongues as we wait for Neil to leave. I stare off into space until the door clicks closed behind him. I slowly shift my gaze, expecting my dad to launch into whatever is on his mind that brought him here, but he doesn’t. He just sits there, staring at me.
Jack couldn’t make this any more awkward for me if he tried, and I’m a little irritated because I think he’s deliberately doing that. Jeez, what do people do in such hideously awkward moments?
I ask, “Would you like some coffee, Daddy?”
“That would be nice, baby girl.”
I stand up and hurriedly move toward the kitchen. I can feel the displacement of air behind me and know Jack is following me there. I focus on filling the pot with water, turning on the heat, grabbing a cup and then take the instant from the cupboard.
I put a level spoon into the mug. “We just have instant, Daddy. I’m sorry.”
“Instant is fine.”
I look over my shoulder to find Jack standing in the doorway and the way he’s watching me nearly makes me cry. Now that Neil is gone, the worry is on Jack’s face un-tempered.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“Well, you worried me.” He pushes away from the doorframe and crosses the tiled floor to me. “What’s going on, Chrissie? Something has been going on with you for months. Why won’t you talk to me?”
He looks sad. Achingly sad and more than mildly concerned. Tears sting behind my eyelids.
I concentrate on pouring the boiling water into the cup. “There’s nothing, Daddy.”
“You haven’t been home in months. You hardly ever call me and when you do talk to me, you are anxious to get off the phone quickly.”
“I just finished my last semester at Cal. I wanted to focus on school. Make sure I graduate. It doesn’t mean something is wrong. Why do you always overreact to everything?”
“I don’t overreact. I’m pretty damn reasonable ninety-nine percent of the time. Don’t try to change the subject. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. Something is going on with you, Chrissie. Don’t pretend that it’s not.”
I carefully carry the mugs into the living room, set them on the coffee table and then settle sitting on my knees, facing the sofa. Jack sinks down on the couch.
He stirs his coffee to cool it, and it looks like he’s trying to figure out where to begin round two of this.
“So you’re going out on the road with Neil?” he asks calmly.
Dammit, Rene, why did you have to tell Jack all my shit? There is no point in lying, so I don’t bother.
“Yes. I am going out on tour with Neil. It sounded like a fun thing to do, and after school I could use a break from everything.”
He stares at me, perplexed. “When did you start seeing Neil again?”
I flush, and it’s so stupid that I feel guilty over not having shared this with Jack. “About a month ago.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack asks, and he looks hurt.
“I thought you liked Neil.”
“I do. He
’s a good kid. That’s not the issue here. The issue is what’s happening in your life that you don’t want me to know.”
“Nothing!”
Jack crosses the room and sits on the floor close beside me. His fingers go to my chin and he turns my face so I have no choice but to look at him.
“Don’t say everything is fine, when it’s not. I’m not blind. I can see when something is going on with you. Let’s talk it out, Chrissie, so I can stop worrying about you.”
The earth falls away beneath me, taking my composure with it. I start to cry, and Jack takes me into his arms.
“It’s OK, baby girl. It’s OK.”
I shake my head and say in a soggy voice, “I’ve made such a mess of my life. I’m a terrible person. Don’t be angry. Please don’t worry, Daddy.”
He lays his cheek on my head. “You’re my daughter. I’ve got to worry. Those are the rules. And your life isn’t a mess. Nothing is ever that bad. And you are not a terrible person. You’re an amazing girl.”
I sniff, trying to keep my nose from dripping on his shirt. “I’m just sorting through some stuff, but definitely nothing that should get you all freaked out. I moved to Seattle with Neil. What’s the big deal? We’ve been together for four years. You didn’t need to come here.”
“You moved to Seattle and didn’t tell me,” he counters.
I sit back and look up at Jack. “It was a good decision. I think the best thing for me. Neil is an incredible guy, the most amazing friend I’ve ever had. I couldn’t have made it through the last month without him.”
Jack’s face tightens and his blue eyes sharpen alertly. “What do you mean not make it through the last month? What’s happened in the last month? Did someone hurt you? Were you…?”
He can’t say it, but I can tell by his face what he’s thinking. He’s wondering if I got mugged or worse. Oh crap! Why did I have to mention last month? I’ve kicked up Jack’s worry about ten levels.
“It’s not that bad…” The words die inside me as Jack’s face grows more alarmed.
“Not that bad, huh?” He lets out a ragged breath, impatient and anxious. “What happened, Chrissie, that isn’t that bad?” The way he says that makes me cringe. “I think it’s time you talk to me.”
Oh no, that was not a request. It was a warning that Jack is not going to let this one go. He stares at me expectantly.
I drop my gaze. I can’t believe I’m about to tell my dad about April. But if there is a way out other than just telling him everything, I don’t see it.
“I had an abortion in April,” I hear myself say, and my voice sounds far away, not even my own.
The room fills with crushing silence. I don’t know which one of us is more shocked, me that I said it or Jack that he heard it.
Jack’s expression is impossible to read. “Are you OK?”
My eyes widen to their fullest. “I’m fine,” I say quickly to reassure him. “But I’m still a little overwhelmed by the experience. I didn’t realize until after it was over how much I didn’t want to do it.”
Oh fuck, why did I confess that last part? I haven’t even told that to Neil. Damn.
Jack’s gaze grows more intense and probing. “Then why did you do it?”
That one I am not going to explain. Nothing could force me, not even the rabid concern I see in my dad’s eyes, to tell him about Alan and me. Nope, that part of this mistake I’m not sharing.
“Was it Neil’s?” Jack asks, his voice harsh and clipped.
“No. And Neil wouldn’t have wanted me to have an abortion if it were his. He didn’t think I should do it, but he respected my decision and was really cool through it all.”
Jack nods, his mouth tightening in that way he has when he is really hit emotionally by something. “I’m glad Neil was there for you.” He looks away. “I’m glad you let someone be there for you. Christ, Chrissie, why didn’t you tell me about this?”
I feel the tears burn behind my lids. “It was my mistake and I wanted to fix it on my own. And Neil was wonderful, Daddy. Really wonderful about everything. He took good care of me. I could never have finished the last month at Cal without him.” I wipe at my nose and take in a shuddering breath. “After I’d done it, I realized I didn’t want to. It’s kind of messed with my head and I almost dropped out of school. But Neil wouldn’t let me. He stayed in Berkeley with me until I got my shit together again. He let me talk, he listened and he really cares. He has been so supportive. It made me realize how stupid I was to break up with him.”
Jack’s brows lower into a frown. “If you didn’t want to do it, why did you?”
“The guy wouldn’t have wanted it. He dumped me and it didn’t seem fair to make a decision all on my own that would impact us both for the rest of our lives.”
Anger flashes in Jack’s eyes. “He had a choice. His vote ended when he climbed into bed with you. After that, your body, your choice.”
My face goes scarlet. I’ve never heard Jack so angry and I’m flooded with shame that I worried him because he’s being the dad I’ve always known when I’ve let him be there for me: clear-headed, supportive, loving.
Jack places a light kiss on my cheek and brushes at my tears with his fingertips.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I wish you had talked to me before you did anything. We could have talked it through together.”
“Well, we’re talking it through now,” I say quietly.
“So the guy…what happened to him?”
Jack sounds angry again.
I shrug and fight back a new onslaught of tears. “We’re over. I told you. He dumped me.”
“Asshole,” Jack says under his breath in nearly a growl. “I may be fifty now, Chrissie, but I can still kick his ass if you want me to.”
I take a sip of my coffee, make a soggy laugh, and shake my head. Jeez—there is nothing here to make me laugh, but that one I didn’t expect. “Don’t bother. It’s not worth it. He’s out of my life for good.”
Jack nods. “Good. I don’t think I’d care for the guy. I hope that fucker never comes near you again.”
He won’t, Jack. Alan doesn’t love me…
I cut off my thoughts and sigh heavily. “Being an adult is so much harder than I thought it would be. Why doesn’t anyone tell you that? Every time I think I know where I’m going, the road changes. I’m so tired of the road always changing unexpectedly on me.”
Jack gives me a sad and sympathetic smile. “The road always changes even when you think you’re on a straight path. It does for everyone, Chrissie. Not just you. Try to remember it’s about the journey, baby girl. It’s not about where we’re going. When the road changes it will bother you less if you always remember it’s about the journey.”
Typical Jack. Typical 60s mumbo jumbo. For some reason it doesn’t irritate me today. I’m actually sort of feeling better inside myself. Calmer. Less frantic.
“I don’t know what to do with my life, Daddy.”
“Welcome to the club, Chrissie. We are all in the same place and we’re going to the same place no matter what we do with our lives. The best journeys I’ve had have been when I’ve not known where I’m going, on roads I’ve never expected.”
I study my father. “How did you get over Mom?”
He looks at me, his face enigmatic. “Whoever said that I did? Just because Lena isn’t here doesn’t mean I’m not with her. Your mom doesn’t have to be here for me to love her.” He starts to pick up our mugs from the coffee table. “You can love anyone you want, Chrissie. Just don’t forget that you still have to live.”
I watch Jack move toward the kitchen. He says, “I’ll just pop these in the microwave. They’re cold. And you can go into the hallway and get Neil.”
“Neil went for a walk. He’s not in the hallway.”
Jack laughs. “Oh, Chrissie, I saw the way he looked at you before he went through the door. The kid didn’t get any farther than the hallway. I’m not happy about you going out on the road. I think you s
hould come home. But you’ve got a good guy there, baby girl. Neil really cares about you. That I am not worried about.”
~~~
We arrive at the load-up parking lot before the rest of the band. Neil holds up my suitcases in front of him. “Black one in the bus with you? Duffel in the cargo hold, Chrissie?”
“I think so. I don’t think I’ll need the junk in the duffel until we stop.”
Neil tosses my duffel into the cargo bay, then turns to Jack. “Thanks for seeing us off.”
“Thanks for letting me,” Jacks says.
Jack stayed all morning in the apartment. It was nice he spent time with Neil and me. The three of us talked, really talked, and it was good. Even if it was filled with folksy advice from Jack to Neil about being out on the road, and at times a little awkward since it’s obvious that me being with Neil means that I’m with Neil.
How lame is that? I’m an adult and it feel uncomfortable for my dad to know officially that I’m living with Neil. The pretense is gone with my dad, and it makes everything feel kind of different and not normal yet.
I struggle to contain my flashing thoughts. I definitely don’t want to start turning in my head all the shit that went down at the apartment—jeez, don’t think about that one, Chrissie. What girl tells her father she’s had an abortion?—and completing the ritual of the tour bus departure is going to be strange enough. Why does this feel like I’m being sent off to summer camp?
I watch as my dad gives Neil a one-arm, halfway, guy-type hug, but before Jack pulls back he gives a couple of hard pats on Neil’s back.
“You take care of my girl,” Jack warns. “If you don’t, you’re going to hear from me.”
“You mean there’s more than what I’ve already heard from you this morning to hear from you?” Neil grimaces, but his eyes are sparkling.
Jack shakes his head, glaring. “A lot more. You had better have been listening earlier to every word.”