The Sexual Education of a Beauty Queen

by Taylor Marsh

  This was all a stark shift from what he’d experienced before, when Mark’s first marriage ended badly, leaving him with a deep sense of betrayal, because he had gone all in and expected the same in return, but didn’t get half of what he put into it. Now he’d met and married a woman who was delivering everything he’d always wanted and deserved, but never had. He had loyalty, was worshiped and appreciated like never before and was recognized for the amazing man he is, the provider, the great lover, the hilarious human, who embraces a spirituality that has absolutely nothing to do with organized religion.

  Mark cashed out all he had, and off we went, betting everything on the adventure he had joined when lightning struck and we fell madly in love and got married. Creating a partnership where I was in the lead, he would have my back, as we endeavored to make a difference in our little corner of the world. I’d never had a partner, someone who not only understood that my life revolved around my work, which now was the crazy world of thinking and writing, but who respected and believed in me so much he wanted to help me thrive while doing it. Mark proved to me that this was possible; he taught me that it could work. It’s hard to describe the synchronicity that followed us. It’s something you have to experience to understand and appreciate.

  The shock of what Mark left behind and where he now found himself didn’t hit until much later. The separation from his kids was a killer, something I always knew would register at some point. Our goal to get him back to visit them regularly soon evaporated, partly due to his work schedule requiring longer hours. I was headed into writing The Hillary Effect which meant a significant amount of overtime for him at his new job, while I excavated recent history that wasn’t all that easy to chronicle. I worked double-time throughout, to keep my new-media site going, because without my readers I would never have had the chance to get published. Through it all, Mark has been not only a sounding board, but an adviser and a consummate debater, sharing his common-sense, no-bullshit opinions that are invaluable. Not only does he tell me when he thinks I’m wrong and why, but he encouraged me to take the leap into writing books, insisted on it, even though it meant more stress for him.

  The partnership we have entered into is revolutionary. Mark doesn’t need to read Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In, because he invented it through his actions before she wrote about it. Because he was a career gas technician in Las Vegas, a consummate professional, his skill-set meant he believed he could get a job anywhere. The first year in the Washington, D.C. area was hell, and it almost all fell apart. Then in the middle of the economic downturn, Mark’s talent helped him land a good job. It required a complete retooling and learning a new type of technical trade that included electronics, to fix appliances of all types for a leading company. Not many men are brave enough to leave a great job, move across the country and learn a new trade, while backing a woman on the belief that her work will pay off.

  When we met, Mark was a man of the desert who had never left Las Vegas. I was a gypsy artist who’d lived from Missouri to New York to California, now making a living writing in new media that had evolved into a free content model, a long way from where I began. It’s still a crapshoot, but this is my third book, and we keep remembering the one thing that sustains us, our purpose together, which has the foundation of deep connection, loyalty, abiding love and unflagging knowledge that we are in this together, forever.

  There is no ejection lever in our agreement, our marriage, our partnership, or our madcap adventure. We just keep going, never giving up, never giving in, never stopping. Being committed to each other and on an adventure that makes you both feel alive, because you’re creating something together no matter what happens, is not a consolation prize if you get your shot and live the life you both choose to live together. It’s been over eleven years and we’re happy, having the time of our lives and still as committed and on purpose as when we started.

  What it takes to create a perfect relationship begins with both people dedicated to the same thing, being on the same page, working for the same vision. When you’re on a high wire like we are, it also takes total focus on communication and complete, unvarnished honesty, no bullshit. It gets rough in the economic trenches when your current reality hangs over a cliff, which it does when the bottom falls out of the American economy and you’re part of the working and middle class, which takes the biggest hit. Add to that moving thousands of miles, plus needing to get a new job at fifty-something, as my husband did, and you’ve got the biggest gamble you can make at mid-life. It shows what two people can do together, no matter the odds, if they are totally committed to the same thing. My husband is fond of the saying, “I’m the pig at the ham and egg breakfast,” and believe me, I am, too.

  The average guy would walk one hundred miles barefoot in the desert to provide for the woman he loves. This is the organic nature of a man. Every day, a man works hard, and when he comes home he wants to know he’s appreciated for doing what comes naturally to him, which is providing for his family, whether or not he and his partner have children. Sometimes, the “children” can be a project the husband and wife both believe in. Mark and I don’t have children together, but we are creating something that is just as important to us, because we’re both invested in changing our part of the world through the work I do.

  Women must understand what it means to be a man. The things that make him who he is don’t change just because a woman makes as much as he does. Feminism doesn’t change what makes a man who he is.

  A man needs to know he’s appreciated for being the provider whether he’s good at it or not, because that’s the heart of his manhood. A woman making equal or more money than a man doesn’t change this fact.

  A man who can’t protect those he loves in battle will still die trying.

  Whenever Mark takes me out or we’re shopping at the market, I take the time to stop, look in his eyes and tell him “thank you.” It’s something I don’t have to do, because we’re partners, but it tells him he is appreciated every moment we’re together. It is impossible to stress how important this is to a man. It validates the man he is and is something only the woman he loves can do.

  This is not to downplay that a woman today often works equal hours to a man, including that she has domestic chores he often doesn’t have. We share those duties fifty-fifty. I have twelve-hour days and work six to seven days a week, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning when he’s asleep and the world is quiet. My husband acknowledges this by having my back, allowing me not to get distracted, as well as dealing with the bullshit that bombards us all. We’ve negotiated the contract and we both have specified our needs, with my blue-collar, working class hero husband more than willing to clear the stage for me, because he knows I couldn’t do it as effectively without him.

  Equality can’t be accompanied by ego. It is about balance. The give and take between lovers, giving grace to the man when you know he needs it, him returning the feeling through respect, while you both remain vigilant about the tender pendulum you guard and on which your love depends.

  Personal self-knowledge is what it takes to attract and then mold a perfect relationship. The discipline required continually to risk it all to have it all is overwhelming at times. Each of you, especially at first, has to keep reminding the other when something doesn’t jibe with what you promised each other. You cannot be afraid to have a fight over something that matters. The security of commitment and marriage means that you have the safety, but it requires that you never get lazy. If one of you screws up on something big, you’ve got to have it out. Discussions, arguments, even fights are healthy, as long as you both have been doing the work all along.

  You can’t come out of the blue and blame your partner for something, throw an event in his face. Respect and love have to stay at the heart of all discussions. But you can’t be afraid to be honest with one another. You also have to be big enough to say you’re sorry when you’re wrong. It matters a lot more than you may think.

  I’
m not talking about disloyalty, which is something altogether different. Men can get over many things, but very few can get over being shown up through another man bedding his wife. This is a betrayal that hits men so deeply that the relationship is often unsalvageable.

  Before we got married, one of the hottest discussions we ever had was the conversation about forgiveness. I said a marriage that is meant to last forever means you must forgive me if I screw up, including if I have an affair. That’s just not the way he felt, and I’ve talked to enough men to know this is a view of most men. Some women feel exactly the same, but there are many others who would forgive. However, the more financially secure the woman, the less likely this is to be the case. Physical disloyalty is such an intimacy assault, such a breach of trust, that financially independent women just aren’t as forgiving as the feminine mystique generation.

  If you travel or have a job that puts you into situations where you meet a lot of people, temptation will rise as will the opportunity to be unfaithful. Men often think of sex quite differently from females. It’s just sex. It didn’t mean anything. But when you’re in a partnership or marriage, if the man knows it means something to the woman he’s involved with, then he’s wrong — it means more than sex, because it hurts her and damages her ability to be happy. Once a woman no longer associates a man with making her happy, it’s over. She may stay, but it’s over, and if she’s smart and has taken care of herself first, which is always the priority, it’s only a matter of time before she gets out. A man won’t hesitate to pack up and leave. For someone who tries to convince us that an affair is “just sex” and “doesn’t mean anything,” if you play that game with him you’ll find out just how much disloyalty can cost. Nothing is more important to a man than loyalty. The more he’s invested in the relationship, the wider the fallout if you betray him.

  So, if a tall and handsome stranger turns your head and you feel something stirring, you have to have the guts to take that experience home and replay it for your partner, admitting the feelings and everything else, before anything ignites. Never allow the notion of an illicit affair to percolate, stoking the drama and excitement of a secret sex life and giving it oxygen on the whim of it being “harmless” flirting. Carelessness can lead to calamity quickly. You both have to agree on this plan from the start, no matter how hard it is or how small you might think a connection that hits you from out of the blue is. Lance the lust.

  Nothing I’ve experienced personally is more rewarding than marriage, which has been the surprise of my life. My husband gave me this and taught me more about love than all the conversations I’ve had with people. It’s a love at the highest level of any partnership, with the unconditional support of someone who’s in it all the way with you, no matter what happens. All that’s required is that we both give our all and put the marriage first. There’s nothing each person won’t do for the other, with no job too dirty for either person. A total partnership.

  But you’ve got to set it up from the start and demand it all the way down the line. There will be fits and starts and eruptions, but the bottom-line agreement and understanding must never be broken. Trust, loyalty and love, the whole commitment to the partnership and what you’re creating is the entire focus of both of your lives. Nothing is more thrilling or exhilarating and fulfilling.

  Then there’s the sex, the one thing a friendship doesn’t have, which is why marriage or a long-term partnership must have sex in it to thrive, regularly quenching sex.

  I’m going to get into trouble here, but there are few times to justify saying no to sex. Obviously, serious illness and life traumas happen and there are bad days and exceptions, but few really worthy ones. During pregnancy, if she’s not in constant morning sickness, a woman can at the very least sit next to her man and make sure he gets his. I’ve given this advice to quite a few women and not one has told me it doesn’t work. It won’t take him long and he’ll be very happy. Watch an adult movie with him, touch him, whatever it takes. Service sex has its virtues. When couples get really busy, service sex can also be a real stress reliever and there’s no reason women can’t get into it, especially with toys.

  Sex is also something the two of you can only do with each other, so it’s necessary, because it’s vital to our lives, no matter your age. That’s because it’s good for our bodies, mind and spirit. It’s a mood elevator. Sex sends signals across all avenues and intersections of our bodies. It’s the one act that separates your relationship from all others, so sex can’t go missing for very long without the partnership suffering.

  Using sex as a weapon is always a bad idea. Just as sleeping on the couch should be considered a major statement, because sleeping together is a time of peace and calm between two people. Your bedroom is a place of sensuousness, a physical, mental and emotional sanctuary. It’s not a place to talk finances. If you have kids, they’re going to invade and that can be a lovely sharing time. But when they’re not around, the atmosphere must change. The bedroom must remain a place of physical communion for just the two of you.

  The sexual connection between you and your partner must be respected, with the added pleasure of intimacy and hugging part of it. It’s a vital component of partnership, the intimate connection it engenders precious. Sometimes it can involve flowers and romance, wine and seduction. On a stressful workday, it can be a scratch to an itch, where the only thing desired is release. Sex comes in innumerable measures of pleasure. Just do it.

  Modern life is crazy. Having a partnership to navigate it is a gift you give yourself. Once you’ve created it, don’t blow it.

  Women’s roles continue to grow, even as the financial floor has shifted underneath men, which came to a tipping point in the 2007-2009 great recession. From the Economix blog in the New York Times: “As of June 2009 (the latest month for which these figures are available), women held 49.83% of all nonfarm payroll jobs. That’s up from around 30% for women in 1940. Men were 50.17% of the workforce in 2009.”

  But a similar situation developed after the 2001 recession, which subsequently saw men gain back again what they had lost in the previous years. Since the government started keeping tabs on women and men’s unemployment in 1948 through the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women have had a higher unemployment rate. But for thirty-two consecutive months leading up to the 2009 figures, men have surpassed us, which was laid out by Dr. Mark J. Perry at the Carpe Diem blog, as well as in his testimony before Congress when he was the first to invoke the term mancession.

  This can translate to a big relationship surprise, a societal shift that takes place that wasn’t expected when you first created your partnership. For women, this can translate to the inability to get our due, no matter how hard we work, which can cause equal stress in a marriage. For modern career-women, economic inequality hits as hard as it would for any man, which still isn’t fully appreciated. The conversation is beginning to turn toward this very real element of women’s lives that is impacting partnerships in ways that resonate and are finally getting covered publicly. Even considering women still do not make equal pay for equal work, which impacts families in serious ways, there has been a disparity in how these things are judged, but also covered.

  Have you looked at Congress lately, where laws impacting work and family are made? Even starker is the composition of Fortune 500 companies and the numbers of women in top management. According to a Fortune 500 2011 annual report on the “gender diversity gap,” focusing on women in business, the numbers are even more sobering for females: “In 2011, women held 16.1% of board seats at Fortune 500 companies. In both 2010 and 2011, less than one-fifth of companies had 25% or more women directors, while about one-tenth had no women serving on their boards. In both 2010 and 2011, women of color held 3.0% of all board seats.”

  In February 2013, The Nation magazine’s Bryce Covert quoted more statistics from Catalyst, which also did the research for the Fortune study:

  Women make up about half of middle management, an impressive statis
tic when one considers that they made up about a third of the entire workforce just sixty years ago. Yet they only count for 14% of executive officers in Fortune 500 companies, 16% of board seats in those companies and just a measly 3.6% of CEOs. On top of this, only 7.5% can be counted among the top earners at these companies. Research does not suggest that women are dropping out of the race for these higher-earning jobs. As Ilene Lang, president and CEO of Catalyst, put it to me, “Often women get stuck having to prove themselves over and over again. That’s a block; they’re not going up.”

  Covert’s Nation article “One Mancession Later, Are Women Really Victors in the New Economy?” also pointed out what’s happened since the recovery in 2009:

  Women gained less than 8% of the 1.9 million jobs added, and now men’s and women’s unemployment rates have converged at 7.7%. Public sector layoffs have hit women particularly hard. Across the country, women have lost 414,000 government jobs, many due to teacher layoffs. As of October, 300,000 educator jobs had been lost, accounting for over half of those lost at the local government level.

  This is one of those instances when you have to hold two opposing thoughts in your head at the same time. Women aren’t achieving paycheck equality to men, but there can be little doubt that women’s importance to countries and the economic future of nations is being appreciated more, because when women rise, nations become more stable. So you’d think it would be in everyone’s best interest to make sure women are promoted to leadership positions equally and paid equally, too. When we are, our families benefit, and our marriages do, too.

  A central theme of Secretary Clinton’s State Department legacy was implemented at the Clinton Foundation in 2013, through her “No Ceilings” project: “When women participate in peacemaking and peacekeeping, we are all safer and more secure. And when women participate in politics, the effects ripple across the entire society. […] We need to help our girls see they are capable of doing anything, and stand behind our women as they break through the doors that are still closed — to overcome any obstacle, to crack any ceiling.”