Pure Hearts

by Jeannine Allison

  “She’s fine. I’m leaving.”

  “Nick, wait,” Iris said as she joined us, Kent and Calla closely behind her. “I’m sorry.”

  “What’s going on?”

  Iris turned toward my mother, ready to explain, but I beat her to it.

  “Remember how I wondered why a perfect stranger would give someone their kidney?” Iris paled as my ma’s wide eyes shifted between us. “Kent here is responsible for putting me in the hospital. That’s why Iris sought you out, why she gave me her kidney.”

  I turned to face Iris, really looking at her for the first time. “Was it out of guilt? Or were you hoping to keep me quiet in case I remembered something?”

  “What?” she gasped—and I had to give her credit, she looked genuinely horrified. Her face paled further and her lips went slack. But I wasn’t falling for it. Not again. I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that I was in this place again, betrayed by someone who I thought loved me…

  But she never said it back, did she?

  “Please, Nick… that wasn’t it at all. I love you. I didn’t—”

  “Oh, now you love me?” I asked, my hands clenching into fists. “Well if that’s not a Hail fucking Mary, I don’t know what is. I said it a week ago, and what did I get? Nothing. Not a damn word. Just a smile and a kiss. Like that would keep me from noticing the three words I didn’t get back? But now that you’re in hot water, all of a sudden you love me?”

  I could feel my lips curl into a snarl. “Let me guess? I’m not to go to the cops with this? That’s why I’m suddenly worthy of your love, right?”

  “N-no, of c-course not. I—I…” She trailed off as a loud sob racked her body. “I didn’t want to lie, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”

  I firmly planted my feet and crossed my arms. I would not walk over to her. I would not comfort her.

  “Everyone has a choice. The choices may suck. They may be hard as hell to make. But everyone has a choice. You had a choice, and it wasn’t me.”

  I watched her flinch and stumble back, like I actually hit her, and I’d never hated myself more. Her sister was softly crying in the corner as Kent stepped forward.

  “Nick—”

  “Don’t,” I growled, my head swinging toward him. “Don’t you say a fucking word! You left me for dead on the side of the road without a care in the fucking world.”

  “That’s not true.”

  I shook my head and turned to leave when Iris reached out and grabbed my wrist. “Please—”

  I ripped my arm away and watched in horror as she lost her balance and fell to the floor. She looked up at me like she didn’t know me.

  At that moment, I didn’t either.

  Iris waved away any offers for help and stood up on her own. Then she wrapped her arms around herself, like she was holding herself together. Something that was supposed to be my job.

  “I know you don’t believe me, but I didn’t know—”

  “You’re right, I don’t,” I interrupted.

  “Nicholas,” my mother hissed. I turned to find her disapproving eyes on me. How could she still not see?

  “I’m leaving.” Shaking my head, I headed toward the door.

  “Nick,” Calla called out frantically. “I know we have no right to ask anything of you, but… could you wait until after Christmas before you call the police? I… we’d like to see our daughter’s first Christmas.”

  I shut my eyes against the pain. Not just mine. Calla’s. Kent’s. Iris’s. Hell, everyone’s. We were all hurting for different reasons.

  I didn’t answer as I continued out the door, ignoring the cries and shouts for me to stop, to understand, to let them explain… I ignored it all.

  Their explanations would fall on angry, deaf ears. In that moment, I truly didn’t care. I didn’t want excuses or to be comforted. I wanted to be alone.

  Anger was the easiest mask to slip on, the most readily available. It was bulletproof—nearly indestructible. Little could penetrate it. Not grief, reason, or love.

  You had zero control over how you fell in love. You didn’t get to choose the speed or what was waiting for you at the bottom. You didn’t get to decide if there were obstacles in your path, or what kind they were. You didn’t even get a say in whether you had a parachute and would float to the ground safely, or if you’d crash and burn.

  I had thought I was safe on the ground, only to discover I had been caught on something in the sky. Now all that was left was for me to fall. There were no more obstacles because Nick was done with me.

  There was just the fall.

  No parachute.

  No soft landing.

  Just a hard, unforgiving slab of concrete.

  And the higher up you were, the faster you fell, and the more the impact hurt.

  It freaking hurt.

  I touched an ornament on my Christmas tree, the one Nick said was his favorite, and tried not to cry.

  It had been two weeks since I’d seen him. Two weeks of nothing but tears and heartache. I tried calling but he never answered. I sent texts that all went unreturned. I stopped by his apartment but he was never home or he ignored me. And every single time one of those things happened, I felt another piece of my heart fracture.

  A heart doesn’t break once. It breaks dozens of times, and sometimes there weren’t even pieces left to be put back together. Sometimes a heart broke so much that there was just dust, remnants of what once was. I feared that was how this would end.

  Stepping back, I sat on the couch and stared at the tree. It looked perfect, just like I thought it would when Nick and I had picked it out.

  A loud knock startled me and had me jumping from the couch before I could think twice about it. I had enough sense to look through the peephole first.

  My heart deflated slightly; it wasn’t Nick.

  But it was another Blake. I smoothed my palms along my yoga pants before opening the door. I didn’t know what to expect. Catherine had always been kind to me, but then again I’d never deceived and broken her son’s heart before. I hadn’t seen her since that awful night either.

  “Oh, dear.” She stepped forward and immediately wrapped me up in a hug. My tense muscles relaxed and I crumpled against her, overwhelmed by the fact that she didn’t hate me.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered through my tears. “I didn’t…”

  “Shhh… it’s okay,” she said over my sobs, her hand brushing back my hair just like Nick used to. After I calmed down, she shut the door and brought me back to the couch.

  “Let me get you some tea.”

  I started to stand. “No, no. You’re the guest—”

  “Iris,” she began sternly. “You haven’t seen this side of me yet, but I do not take no for an answer when it comes to consoling.”

  Catherine didn’t give me another chance to say no, she simply walked out of the room and started rummaging through the kitchen. I’d almost forgotten she had never been here. We’d exchanged phone numbers and addresses when we first met, but she hadn’t had a reason to come over.

  “You have a beautiful house,” she said when she came back a few minutes later and set the cup in front of me. I thanked her before taking a sip. I was smiling as I put it back on the coffee table.

  Lemongrass.

  My favorite.

  “How have you been?”

  “Oh. You know… super. I’m spending Christmas Eve alone, wallowing in my house. That’s normal, right?” I had been trying to make a joke of it, but my breath hitched at the end, revealing my near sob.

  “Okay,” she said. “No small talk it is. I’m just going to dive right in.”

  I didn’t know if that was better or worse.

  “Nick never chased Colleen,” she began. “First and foremost, remember that.”

  He wasn’t chasing me either…

  I kept that thought to myself.

  “Let me start at the beginning.” She cleared her throat and leaned forward. “Nick was an
gry when his father left. He became instantly distrustful of the world and I don’t think he ever got over that. He was always waiting for someone to be proved distrustful, so when he learned what Colleen had done, he wasn’t all that surprised or heartbroken. She apologized and she wanted to work it out. I believe she did love him, just not as much as her career. And she knew how both Nicky and I, being Catholic, would feel about the abortion. She did what was best for her, and I think that gave him the reassurance he needed, that people couldn’t be trusted. But, he never thought about going back to Colleen. He’s always been firm: once a liar, always a liar, circumstances don’t matter.”

  I wondered if she knew she was breaking my heart, if she knew she was slowly chipping away at the little bit of hope I’d let build in my chest. Looking down toward my cup of tea, I felt tears welling once more. This was crueler than any insults she could have thrown at me. I knew she didn’t mean it that way—Catherine was the sweetest woman I’d ever met. But hearing this, hearing he’d never forgive me and that I’d have to live the rest of my life with this all-encompassing love, knowing it’d never be returned again… well, it killed me.

  Nick walked away. Just like he did with Colleen. Just like he said he’d do if he thought the fight wasn’t worth it.

  I wasn’t worth it.

  And when I thought I couldn’t hurt any more, she reached out and gently squeezed my hand. “Iris,” she said softly. I forced my gaze up and found her frowning with tears in her eyes as well. Moving her hand, she cupped my cheek like she would a small child’s.

  “I’m not saying this to hurt you.”

  I nodded. “I know, you’re just… you’re being honest. And I-I’m grateful. I’d probably have gone my whole life holding on to the hope that he could someday look at me like he once did, love me like he did. So… t-thank you.” I pulled her hand from my face and gave it a squeeze. I needed to get her out of the house before I started full-on bawling.

  “I-I appreciate it, and I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m not feeling well. I think I need to go lie down now.” I tried to smile but somehow those signals never made it from my brain to my mouth, because I felt my lips stay in a flat line. I moved to stand when Catherine gripped my hand and pulled me back down.

  “I wasn’t done, dear.” I closed my eyes as my butt hit the cushion, because really… she was killing me. “When their relationship ended he was just more surly, more angry. I think he hated to be proven right, but he was settled because he felt confident in his assumption that people only looked out for themselves.”

  She stopped, forcing me to open my eyes. I found a bright smile on her face, like whatever she was thinking about gave her more joy than she’d ever known. So I was floored when she said, “And then you came along, and completely blew his expectations away. I remember the first time he saw you, the first time you started speaking… Lord, he looked so scared.” She laughed as she let go of my hand, finally convinced I wasn’t leaving.

  “That’s a good thing?” I sniffled.

  “Oh, yes. A man in love is a man afraid. Or at least a man who has the potential to fall in love.” Her laughter tapered off as she scooted closer and wrapped her arm around me. It struck me that this was very similar to the day we met, how she held me in the hospital chapel when we prayed.

  “He wants to forgive you, Iris,” she said softly. “He’s sad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my Nicky sad. He gets angry, sure. But sad? Never.” I frowned. I never wanted to make him sad. “That’s another good thing.” She elbowed me in the side, getting a small grin out of me.

  Catherine brushed my hair back from my face. “He’s not a perfect man, Iris. But he’s a good man.”

  “The best,” I whispered. “You don’t need to convince me.”

  “I had a feeling not, but I needed to make sure. And you’re one of the good ones too.”

  “Are you on your way to Nick’s?” I asked, eyes forward.

  “Yeah,” she said softly.

  I stood and walked over to the tree before bending down to pick up Nick’s present. Catherine appeared beside me as I stared down at it, a single teardrop landing on the laughing Santa wrapping paper. Quickly wiping it away, I pivoted and held it out to her.

  “Will you give this to him?” I gazed down at the card neatly tucked under the bow in one corner. Her eyes stayed on my face as I gently pulled it out and set it on the mantel. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell him it’s from me. Just… I want him to still have it,” I finished on a whisper.

  “Of course.” She looked toward the coffee table. “Well I know you’re tired, so I’ll get out of your hair. Do you happen to have a to-go mug for my tea? I hate to impose, but—”

  “Oh no. Don’t worry about it. Gimme a second.” I quickly filled up a cup for her and met her at the door where she was standing, tightly clutching her purse.

  “Thanks, dear,” she said as she took it. Catherine managed to balance the gift and the mug as she gave me a one-handed hug. “Don’t lose faith. He’ll come around.”

  I gave her a small smile and held the door open for her. “I’ll try.”

  She quickly walked to her car as I closed and fell back against the door.

  It wasn’t until Catherine was long gone that I realized Nick’s card was too.

  It was Christmas Eve, and I was spending it sitting on my couch with a bottle of beer in one hand and the TV remote in the other.

  I wasn’t any closer to making a decision. I’d picked up the phone countless times to call the detective from my case, but I could never dial the number. Despite my initial shock and anger, the only feelings left were confusion and sadness.

  I thought back to Iris’s words from all those weeks ago when I showed up with flowers after being an asshole… I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean I hand it out for free.

  The problem was I didn’t know how to hand it out at all. I didn’t know if I could forgive her. I wasn’t as pure as Iris. I didn’t forgive the driver who cut me off in traffic; I honked and gave him my middle finger. I didn’t forgive Robby Stewart who broke my favorite Tonka truck in the fifth grade; I never spoke to him again.

  I wasn’t a man who forgave. I was a man who held grudges. And even though that made me a jackass, that was who I was, and I didn’t know how to change it.

  But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized my grudges never really mattered to the parties who’d wronged me. The driver kept going, none the wiser. Robby made new friends. And if I couldn’t forgive Iris, she’d find someone else.

  Sucker punched. That’s what that thought felt like.

  Hearts were weird. And the concept of breaking them even stranger.

  Apparently a broken heart could love just as much as a whole one, because even though she’d lied, I still loved her.

  I froze when a knock echoed throughout my apartment. “Nicky, it’s me.” Blowing out a breath, I tried to convince myself it was relief and not disappointment I felt when I heard my mother’s voice.

  On autopilot, I got up and unlocked the door before slinking back to the couch and resuming my position. I heard her lock the door and set something down on the table before she moved across the room to where I was.

  “You’re an idiot.” I looked at my mother then back at the TV.

  “Is that a general statement or are you referencing something specific?” I could only imagine the unimpressed look on her face. But when she stormed in front of me and shut off the TV, I didn’t have to imagine anymore. Because I was looking right at her. Her face was set in a deep frown that managed to look sad, pissed, and worried all at once.

  “Nicky,” she said sadly.

  “Ma—”

  “No. I’m talking now. I understand, okay? I do. But Iris is not Colleen. I know it. You know it. Iris is a wonderful person who was caught in a terrible situation. You talked about the right choice like it was something universal. It wasn’t. There was no right choice that night. Wha
t if I had been in that car, bleeding to death, and you had to decide, knowing there was another car coming up, what would you have done?”

  I sighed and pulled my feet from the coffee table. The truth was I did understand. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the entire situation was a clusterfuck and there was no right answer. But understanding didn’t take away how much it hurt.

  “I can tell she loves you, dear. But I can also tell you this: she is not a girl who will wait around. She’s down right now because she’s hurting and she knows she hurt you. But she recognizes her worth. She knows she deserves someone who can forgive and move on.” My ma kicked my foot until I looked up. “And I know that’s one of the things you love about her.”

  She came to sit next to me. “You’ve always had trouble trusting people. Even before Colleen. Despite your belief that your problems began with her, that’s not the truth. You only noticed it then. They began long ago, before you even realized it. It began with your father.”

  I opened my mouth to refute her, but she stopped me. “Let me finish. You may not think that’s the case, and maybe it wasn’t the ‘big’ shift, but it was the seed. No one’s born a certain way, believing certain things. It all comes to us as we grow. And just like a flower, it all starts with a tiny seed. Your father planted that seed of doubt, distrust, and fear.” She grabbed my hands. “Colleen was just the water and sun that let it grow until eventually it was so big you couldn’t ignore it. You were forced to see the truth of some people. But you’re so busy looking at that one flower, that you can’t see all the beautiful ones surrounding it.

  “Fear can be overwhelming, it can block out everything else. But if you move just a little bit, Nicky, you’ll see all the greatness this world has to offer. There is great love to be had in this world. Don’t confuse that message with the people trying to deliver it. People make mistakes.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

  “You’re hurting. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be. But she’s hurting, too. And even though technically we can find people to blame, sometimes situations just suck. Don’t wait too long to figure it out.”