Defector

by Susanne Winnacker

  I was standing in a room containing every single reason behind his actions. He wanted to make me forget about my parents, about where I came from, so I never figured out the truth. I traced a finger over my mother’s face in the photo. Her contours were softer than I remembered them, and she gazed at me with a kind smile. In the picture, I was a toddler, maybe one year old, grinning widely with chocolate all over my face. My mother held a spoon in her hand. I didn’t remember that particular moment or any other moment when my mother had taken care of me. But I wished I could. Who had taken the photo? My father? At that time they could still have been together. I lifted the photo and saw what was beneath it, and time seemed to grind to a halt. There were more photos. In the first was a family: a woman glancing down at a small baby in her arms, a man with his arm around her, and a tiny boy with brown hair and turquoise eyes sitting on the man’s shoulders, grinning a toothy smile. My family. My mother. My father. My brother.

  For a moment I couldn’t breathe. We looked happy. We looked like a normal family. We looked like everything I’d always longed for. I gingerly pushed the photo aside to look at the third photo. It was a close-up of a young Abel, turquoise eyes—my eyes—sparkling in the photo as he cradled a tiny baby against his chest. With trembling fingers I turned the photo around. “My little princess” was written on the back in unfamiliar handwriting. Had my father—had Abel—written those words? Had he called me his little princess?

  I closed my eyes. This was too much. How could a man who called me his little princess have done all the horrible things Major had told me about? How could he have left me?

  I bent the three photos carefully and slid them into the pocket of Major’s trousers. I’d just have to remember to take them out before I returned his clothes to the laundry. I didn’t care if Major found out I’d taken them. He’d had no right to keep this part of my life from me, to make me believe I’d never been loved.

  I browsed the file for any snippet of information that might tell me where I could find him. Apparently, Abel’s Army was head-quartered in Alaska for a while before they moved south. Their whereabouts weren’t known, but the file said hints pointed at a headquarters somewhere in the American Southwest. Abel had been seen near Las Vegas a few times, but there was nothing conclusive known about the current headquarters. Eventually I came across a handwritten note at the top of one page saying it was rumored that Heather Crane had established contact with Abel Crane multiple times over the course of the last year. My mother was in contact with Abel? How was that possible? Maybe she knew something that could lead us to Holly. The sound of the elevator came again, and I hastily put Abel’s file back in the drawer where it belonged. Before time ran out, I did what I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to do: I picked up my own file.

  My eyes landed on a red stamp at the top of the first page—just like the one from my mother’s file. It said “Volatile.” I glanced again at the cover of the file to make sure that it was really my own. It was. Why did it say “Volatile”? I wasn’t unstable. I’d always thought I was the trophy Variant, the ultimate weapon. My eyes flew down the page and stopped at the section I was looking for. My fingers shook so much that the words kept blurring before my eyes.

  Status: Volatile (not confirmed)

  Risk factor: Parents—Abel Crane (Volatile), Heather Crane (Volatile). Brother—Zachary Crane (suspected Volatile—not confirmed).

  Comments: No signs of insubordination. In control of Variation. No contact with risk factors.

  Course of action: Surveillance of emotional and mental stability

  (Internal mission 010)

  Prognosis: Positive

  Promotion to agent status: Possible (awaiting final results—I.M. 010)

  A dizzy sickness overcame me, and I held on to the filing cabinet for support. They were monitoring me. Someone had kept watch over my emotional stability. Dread settled in the pit of my stomach. I could hear the whir of the returning elevator getting louder. But I couldn’t move. I didn’t care if I got caught. I needed confirmation. I needed to see the file about mission 010.

  I pulled file after file from my drawer until I got to the one with the tag I’d been looking for. For a few seconds I stared at the ceiling, my heart pounding, scared of what I knew I’d find. It would change everything. Slowly I lowered my gaze to the file.

  Two names were written right below the description of the mission. The two agents who’d been responsible for the surveillance—my surveillance.

  Kate and Alec.

  CHAPTER 13

  I’m not sure how long I stood there staring at the page in disbelief. It was probably seconds, but it felt like hours. I hadn’t yet moved when Major walked in. I wasn’t sure how long we stood like that—me still posing as him—staring at each other. The file was still in my hand. My palm was sweaty. He wasn’t wearing pajamas, and he didn’t seem the least bit tired. Maybe he slept in his uniform, or maybe he didn’t need to sleep at all.

  There was a stillness to his face that should have scared me, warned me of the fury that was simmering beneath his controlled mask. But I felt hollow. Deep down I could feel a fire burning, an anger more intense than anything I’d ever felt before, and I wanted to grasp it and harness it and unleash it on the man in front of me, to show him what this betrayal had done to me. The FEA had been my family, a home after all the years of despair and negligence, and now that was gone. Ripped from my hands by what I’d just read. The FEA had taken me in because of my worth to them, but they’d never trusted me or fully treated me like I was worthy. My life here had been a lie.

  And Alec. My heart, my entire body ached so much when I thought about him and the time we’d shared. Tears stung my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. Had Major told him to start a relationship with me to guarantee the success of their spying? Had Kate only told me Alec’s secret to test me? How could I know if he’d meant a single word he’d said? Had everything been lies? The touches, the kisses, the tender looks? I had been so stupid to think he loved me, to think he was on my side, that he’d help me. He was Major’s soldier through and through—had always been.

  The knife of his betrayal was wedged deep in my soul. He and Kate must have had a wonderful time spying on me. That’s why he’d never talked about the mission they’d shared. Because the mission was me and my presumed instability. The ticking time bomb known as Tessa. Kate’s triumphant looks made even more sense now. Shame washed over me, determined to banish my other emotions, but I clung to my anger. Anger was all that would get me through this. It was all I had left.

  “Come with me,” Major said tersely. I put the file down slowly and followed him to the elevator. I wasn’t sure how my body managed to go through the motions when I was pretty sure I was falling apart inside. With every step, another part of my carefully constructed happiness crumbled away and was crushed under Major’s perfectly polished boots.

  I couldn’t help but wonder how often Alec and Kate had discussed my feelings behind my back. They must have had many good laughs about my stupid infatuation. In the elevator and on our way to Major’s office, neither of us spoke. Arriving there, I sank down on the edge of the hard chair. My fingers curled around my knees, nails digging into the skin. I let the familiar rippling wash over me until I was back to myself again. The uniform hung loosely on my body.

  Major positioned himself in front of his desk. I had to crane my neck to get a good look at his face. I could see that he was fighting for self-control. His jaw twitched, and a vein in his throat throbbed furiously. “You had no right to be in there. This is a serious breach of the rules. I hope you are aware of that.”

  If he said something about trust and gave me some line about how the FEA was built on it, I’d go off on him like the time bomb that he thought I was. Only a few days ago he’d said he’d never violate my privacy by using Kate. But what was this? He knew how much I cared about Alec, how much I trusted him, and yet he’d
used him against me. Or maybe that had been his plan from the very start. Maybe when Alec had consoled me more than two years ago after the devastating call with my mother, he’d been acting on Major’s orders. I realized Major was still watching me and probably expecting a reply. I reached for the fury deep within, used it to make my words come out hard and accusing.

  “And you had no right to monitor me like a criminal and keep the truth about my family from me,” I said. “You lied to me, and you betrayed me. What am I to you? Some kind of marionette you can use as you please? And what’s Alec, your puppeteer?” I wanted to smash his office, destroy his too-clean desk and his stupid model soldiers. I wanted to tear him and Alec to shreds like they had done with my heart and my trust.

  Major’s lips thinned to a white line on his tanned face. “I won’t tolerate that tone from you, Tessa. The FEA and I have been very good to you. We gave you a home, a purpose, and a chance at a normal life.” I didn’t think Major had ever sounded so cold when he’d spoken with me. A few times, especially at the beginning of my life at headquarters, I’d even wished he were my dad.

  “Normal?” I repeated in a whisper. There was nothing normal about me or my life, and certainly not about Major and his surveillance.

  “As normal as someone like you could ever hope for. Where do you think you’d be now if the FEA hadn’t taken you in and taught you about your Variation?”

  I’d asked myself that question so often and always come to the conclusion that I’d have been lost without them, but now after seeing the photos of my father and brother, I felt like there might have been more out there for me.

  Major continued, “I don’t think you’re aware of the dangers your previous way of life entailed. You were without protection, and if Abel had found you, that would have been it. Because no matter how much you despise me and my methods in this moment, they are nothing in comparison to what Abel’s capable of, if he suspected that one of his soldiers was setting a toe out of line.”

  Maybe he was right. Maybe getting in the hands of Abel would have been ten times worse, but that didn’t mean I had to like how he and the FEA had treated me, how he’d used Alec against me. That didn’t make their actions right. Major shook his head. “You leave me no choice,” he said sadly. My stomach tightened. “You’ve been acting erratic and irresponsible over the last few days. I think your emotions are spiraling out of control. I realize that you’ve gone through a lot and that I’ve asked a lot from you, but that doesn’t excuse what you did today.”

  “What do you mean?” I whispered.

  “I think you need a few weeks to consider your actions and to recover from the trauma you sustained during your first mission and again when you lost Holly. We have a state-of-the-art facility that treats our agents when they suffer from PTSD, depression, or other emotional deficiencies. I’ll call them this morning and ask them to take care of you for a few weeks.”

  “You’re going to lock me into a psych ward?”

  Major sighed. “This facility isn’t a prison. It’s not a punishment. I just want to be sure your emotional instability is treated before it spins out of control. You’re a capable agent, Tessa, and I’d hate to lose you. In a few weeks, when you come out on the other side of this, you’ll see that it was for the best.”

  I was unable to speak. Major was going to lock me away and let the FEA’s psychiatrists mess with my mind. I didn’t trust them and Major to stick to the usual therapy methods of regular shrinks. They’d do something to my brain until I wasn’t so insubordinate anymore, until I was an obedient little agent.

  I knew I had to tread carefully now. There was no way in hell that I’d let anyone take me to the FEA’s loony bin. I hung my head with a sigh, so Major couldn’t see my face, and tried to suppress my tremor of panic. “You really think they can help me? I don’t want to turn into my mother, or become a murderer like my dad.” I shuddered for effect.

  Major touched my shoulder, and I fought the urge to push him away. If I’d had a knife, I wasn’t sure what I would have done. Maybe thrust it into his heart and asked, “How does it feel?”

  “Your mother could have been a great agent too, but she didn’t want to accept my help. She thought she wasn’t at risk. I won’t make the same mistake with you.”

  I nodded, my mind racing to find a way out of this. “I wish it could have been different. Why do my parents have to be so messed up?”

  Major squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, as if I would ever let him console me again after what I’d found out today. “We can’t help who our parents are. We can only aspire to be better.”

  Had Alec heard that gem from Major before he’d repeated it to me a few days ago? Anger seemed to eat a hole into my stomach, but I forced it down. I couldn’t risk Major suspecting that I was going to run away. And just as quickly, I realized that that was my only option. I had to find my mother so she could tell me where Abel was—if she really was in contact with him—and then I would do everything in my power to find and free Holly.

  I covered my face with my hands and let out a sob, hoping this would really drive it home. Major had to believe I was a stupid, lost, desperate girl. “I’m worried Alec will leave me after all this. Do you think he’ll wait for me while I’m away getting healthy?”

  “Alec knows about the emotional baggage you’re carrying.” I bet he did, I thought bitterly. Traitor. “He’ll be glad that you’re seeking help. Alec and I want you to be well.”

  I looked up, regret and embarrassment undoubtedly playing across my face. “I’m sorry for today. I just lost it. I’m so worried about Holly. I feel like I’m falling and there’s nothing to catch me.” I hated how close to the truth the last part was, hated how everything I’d cared about and loved seemed to be ripped from my life.

  Major gave me an understanding look, and it was all I could do not to punch him. Maybe that evaluation in my file wasn’t that far off. Maybe I had the potential for becoming a Volatile, but if I really went off the deep end, I knew who was to blame. Major and his lies.

  “I’m tired,” I said quietly. “I think I need to get some sleep.”

  “I’ll take you to your room,” Major said as he straightened before slipping something from his desk drawer into his trouser pocket. I couldn’t see what it was. He walked around the desk, and we headed out of his office. My expression fell, but I hastily rearranged my face into a serene smile.

  So Major wasn’t that easily placated. He didn’t even trust me to head back to my room alone. Did he think I was going to run? Or was he just worried I’d return to the basement to snoop around some more?

  Major followed close behind as I walked to my room. I could feel his eyes bore into my skull and back. I stepped into my room, and without a word he entered after me. What was he going to do? Watch me while I slept to make sure I didn’t do something stupid?

  “I have these for you,” he said as he took a small plastic bottle with pills out of his trousers.

  I frowned at him. “What are they for?”

  “They’ll help you sleep,” he explained as he placed two pills onto my palm. I stared at the small white squares.

  So he was going to drug me to sleep. That way I wouldn’t run anywhere. Panic wanted to make an ugly appearance, but I pushed it down. There would be time for it later. “Here.” Major took the water bottle from my nightstand and handed it to me. “You have a few minutes before they take effect. That should give you enough time to change into your sleeping clothes.”

  Only a few minutes. How was I supposed to escape if I was under the influence? I was sure Major would knock at my door first thing in the morning to keep an eye on me until the shrinks came to take me with them.

  I accepted the bottle and thrust the pills into my mouth before taking a huge gulp of water. For a brief moment I considered hiding the pills under my tongue or in the back of my mouth, but I had a feeling Major would
notice and then he’d probably tie me to the bed and ruin any chance I had at escape. I swallowed the pills and grimaced at the bitter taste they left on my tongue; they tasted like hopelessness and defeat.

  Major scanned my face, and I expected him to ask me to open my mouth, but he seemed satisfied with what he saw. “Get some rest.” He walked out and closed the door behind him, but I didn’t hear his steps move away. I rummaged in my nightstand and shut it with a bang so he would hear it. Then I hastily slipped out of Major’s clothes and into my pajamas, in case he decided to check on me. Street clothes would have looked suspicious. I slipped the photos of my mother and me, Abel and me, and the one of my whole family into my pajama pockets. My movements became slower, my limbs felt heavier, my mind was starting to turn fuzzy. The pills were taking effect faster than I’d thought. Panic corded up my throat. I was never going to make it. Resignation washed over me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if the FEA’s shrinks took a look at me, maybe they could turn a switch in my head that would make me happy.

  No.

  I staggered toward the bathroom and turned the faucet on. Major would expect me to brush my teeth, though how he expected me to do it when my brain was shutting off so fast, I didn’t know. I dragged myself toward the door and pressed my ear against the cold wood, glad for the feel of it against my body. My legs buckled under me, and I sank down on my knees. Black dots flitted in and out of my vision. I felt heavy and weightless at the same time.