How to Outfox Your Friends When You Don't Have a Clue

by Jess Keating

  “Cut!” I shouted. Daz cackled with laughter as I stormed over to the couch and yanked the cards out from under him. “These.” I shoved them into his hands. “You are supposed to use these. You’re introducing my documentary, and telling people that I am going to be talking about who influences me and showing the world how they helped make me who I am today.” I gave him my very dirtiest glare, throwing as much sincere “do not mess with me now” anger behind it.

  Obviously it wasn’t glarey enough because Daz cracked up again. “Okay, okay!” he said. “I was trying out some improv. You’re getting pretty moody in your old age, huh?”

  “Don’t remind me,” I said, marching back behind the camera.

  “Brack! Old age banana!” Darwin crowed, enjoying Daz’s high-pitched antics. I glared at him too.

  “Oh, come on.” He leaned back on the couch, nearly knocking Darwin from his cushion. “Hey, we should tell Mom what we want for a party! We can’t have something lame for thirteen.” He tilted his head back and yelled. “Hey! Ma!”

  “Daz!” I fumed. “This isn’t the time for parties. You’re supposed to be helping me with my project, and I didn’t even want your help in the first place, but you told me that you’d stick my toothbrush in Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s cage if I didn’t.”

  Honestly. Brothers cannot be human. Right when you think they’re getting more normal and being somewhat nicer to you, they go and get all… brothery on you all over again.

  “Fine, geez,” he said, straightening up again. He ran his fingers through his hair, ensuring it was extra spiky. “This is Daz Wright, and I’m here today to introduce Ana’s Wright’s official documentary. In it, we will learn that—”

  “Stop!” I shouted.

  Daz froze with his mouth still open. The card in his hand trembled as he struggled not to move. “What is it this time?”

  I pointed to the camera. “You didn’t let me say go! It wasn’t even running.”

  “But it was perfect!” he whined.

  “So do it again!” I counted down behind the camera and hit record.

  He sighed, launching back into his monologue. “This is Daz Wright, and I’m—”

  “Did someone call me?” Mom yelled down from the top of the staircase.

  “Dazmanian devil!” Darwin shrieked.

  “Oh, for the love of Pete!” I turned the camera off and collapsed onto the floor. Did all filmmakers have such a hard time with their subjects? I couldn’t imagine any of Grandpa’s filmmakers struggling to get footage like this. Wild bonobos were probably easier to wrangle than my idiot brother and my loudmouthed, diva parrot.

  “Yeah!” Daz called, waving Mom over. He climbed up onto the back of the couch and bounced on his butt. “We want to talk birthdays!”

  I rolled over and tucked my camera out of the way before Daz bulldozed over it by accident.

  “What’s this?” Mom slinked down the stairs, trying to hide her smile. She was carrying a hardcover textbook with wild cats on the cover, and she was still in her work shirt, even though she’d changed into a pair of holey, faded jeans. “Are there two important birthdays coming up in this household? Whoever could they be?” She crossed her arms and drummed her fingertips.

  I couldn’t help but smile at how chill she looked in the face of Daz’s bounciness. Mothers must be immune to their own kids’ brand of crazy, I swear.

  “It’s thirteen, Mom,” I said, joining in. Grandpa always says if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, but really I was excited at the possibility of cake. “We should do something fun for thirteen, don’t you think?”

  Mom eyed Daz. “Maybe we can talk after you stop treating our poor couch like a combat zone,” she said. He sighed dramatically and slid his butt down back to the cushion. I tsked at him, trying to get Mom on my side now so she’d side with me on the birthday party ideas.

  “It so happens that your father and I have discussed the possibility for a party for our dear baby twins.” She scrunched her nose at us playfully. “What did you guys have in mind?”

  Daz leaped up. “Laser tag party!” he squealed. “Dinosaur party! Dinosaurs with lasers party!”

  Kevin lit up. “Ooh, that’s a good one!”

  Honestly.

  Mom shook her head. “So mature for his age.”

  I don’t know if it’s a weird-brother thing or not, but dinosaurs and lasers was not my idea of a cool teenager party. It sounded more like a party for eight-year-olds. I was only going to turn thirteen once. Did I seriously want to do it while running for my life from Daz while he shot lasers at me?

  Pretty sure I would have the rest of my life to deal with that.

  “Maybe we could have something at the zoo?” I asked. It seemed only fitting. When I turned twelve, I had no idea how much the zoo would play a role in my life. Now it felt like a second home, where so many important things had happened. I’d started doing public presentations there, and even Daz had loved living there. It could be the perfect spot for a supercool teenager party, especially since so many people didn’t get to visit as often as I did. Ooh, and I could film some of it for my documentary!

  Daz pointed at me. “I like it. We could take over the whole zoo! With lasers!” He started rapping, spraying beads of spittle all over himself. “Ain’t no party like a dino party, ’cause a dino party’s got lasers!”

  “Let’s back that trolley up, young man,” Mom said, gesturing for him to shush. “We can’t take over the whole zoo, but I see no reason why we can’t use the banquet hall behind the visitor’s center for a nice little party. It would make things so much simpler if we did a party for the two of you together. You’re both okay with that, right?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Sure, make me share my special day with him,” I pretend-whined. As long as we weren’t expected to share a cake, I’d pretty much accepted every birthday of mine was going to be Dazzified, being twins and all.

  “Whatever, loser. It’s my special day too! The day I become a man!” He reached for a pillow to throw at me, startling Darwin away.

  Good Lord.

  “It’s a special day for both of you,” Mom said. Her lip quivered as she looked at the two of us for a beat too long. “My babies, turning thirteen.”

  I scrambled from the floor, swinging Darwin up onto my shoulder. Daz, being an android and therefore totally unable to read human emotion, nodded proudly.

  “That’s right! The big one three. I should start looking into retirement plans. Do I need to make a will? I don’t want all my robots getting into the wrong hands if I die,” he said, scratching his chin.

  “It’s okay, Mom,” I said, patting her awkwardly on the back. “It’s not that old,” I lied.

  I mean, we all knew that thirteen was pretty much the biggest birthday milestone one can have, right? But I wasn’t about to say that to Mom having a meltdown. Besides, it sort of freaked me out too. But if anything would make me feel less terrified about it, it was a birthday party in a place that I knew I loved.

  “The banquet thing would be perfect,” I said. “We can invite everyone and have some fun games and—”

  “And lasers!” Daz glared at me pointedly.

  “Shoot,” Kevin said suddenly, checking his watch. He stood up and folded his notebook closed, stuffing it into his backpack. He eyed me apologetically. “Sorry, I have to head out. We’re supposed to video chat with my brother tonight to make sure everything’s okay for next week.” He turned to Mom. “We’re going away for a few days to visit him,” he explained, heading for the door.

  “Have a good visit, hun,” she said. “I’ll miss having you around to make sure Daz doesn’t burn anything down.” She rolled her eyes.

  He grinned, then looked to me. “I’ll…uh…see you later?”

  I shifted a few feet closer to the front door. In case you were wondering, the “official goo
d-bye” with your kind-of boyfriend in front of your brother and mother is the most awkward thing on the planet.

  Worse than when you go to high-five someone and end up missing their hand like a lame-o, even.

  Do you kiss? Do you not kiss? Do you hug? The whole thing was a disaster waiting to happen.

  “’Kay,” I said, stepping closer. He went in for a quick hug, while I accidentally dodged the wrong way and ended up colliding with his shoulder.

  Smooth, Ana.

  “See you at later,” I added, practically feeling Mom’s giggly stare behind me. This was why people need to forget the whole “first kiss” thing, because at this rate, it definitely wasn’t going to happen for me.

  “Well, that was gross,” Daz said plainly after Kevin left.

  “Hey!” I shouted. “I have to watch you and Bella stare at each other all googly-eyed!” I stuck out my chin. It occurred to me right then that my brother might get his first kiss before me. Oh, GAH.

  Daz scoffed. “Whatever! It’s not the same thi—”

  “Anyway,” Mom said, breaking us up. “I think a zoo party sounds like a great plan. I’m on it!”

  “Hey,” I said, thinking back on all my earlier birthdays. Now that Kevin was gone, my brain seemed to be able to function again. (Figures.) “Do you think I could have a slumber party after?” Ever since we became best friends, Liv and I had special birthday sleepovers every year. Usually we made lip gloss and talked about boys and all the things we wanted to happen during the next year of our lives. Maybe that was exactly what we needed right now.

  Mom nodded. “I think that’s a great idea. You girls will have to stay in the basement though. Four is too many for upstairs. Daz would never leave you alone either,” she muttered.

  “Oh,” I said, realizing what she meant. “I don’t mean with everyone, just Liv and me. Like old times.”

  “No Bella or Ashley?” she asked. Her head tilted with concern, but I didn’t want her to worry.

  “I think since Liv is back, it would be nice to have her over,” I said. “You know, she’s only here for a little while, and I can have a sleepover with Bella or Ashley anytime.”

  It’s true I would feel bad not inviting Bella or Ashley, but I had to do everything I could to keep Liv and I together as best friends, didn’t I? After all, she wasn’t around here for long, so Bella and Ashley would both probably understand. I could have them over anytime after she went home again.

  Mom pursed her lips, considering this. “Okay, if that’s what you want. Make sure not to leave anyone out at the party.”

  I nodded, but already the thought of having Liv and Ashley in the same room together was making my stomach twist up like a pretzel. That was definitely something I’d have to figure out later, without Mom staring at me.

  “If Ana gets to have Liv over, can Kevin stay too?” Daz piped in. “It’s only fair!”

  I gulped. If there was one thing that I wasn’t ready for about being thirteen was the possibility of having Kevin stay over at our place during sleepovers with Daz. Sure, he’d stayed here a zillion times before, but that was before all the hand-holding and stuff. What if he saw me in my nightshirt or something? Or worse, walking around in one of those green face masks that Ashley was always hounding me to try?

  The potential for embarrassment was way too high.

  “How about you stay over at his place?” Mom said, eyeing me. I shifted uncomfortably.

  I could tell by the look on his face that Daz had no idea what awkward thoughts were going through my head. But judging by the hard determination in Mom’s eyes, she had completely read my mind.

  Talk about terrifying.

  “Deal,” Daz said.

  “Excellent!” Mom announced, pulling her ponytail tighter. “I’ll let your father know we’ll be setting it up at the zoo, and what you guys can do to help us out is make a list of everyone you want invited, all right? I’ll also make sure Dad and Sugar know. I’m sure they’ll want to join us.” She pulled out the notepad in her jeans pocket and scribbled a message. “I can’t believe my babies are thirteen,” she added wistfully.

  I stepped back, causing Darwin to hop over to Mom’s shoulder in protest. “Hey! I’m not thirteen yet. I’ve got a few more days,” I pointed out. I could practically hear the ticking clock in my head, counting down the last hours of my twelve-year-old self.

  “Enjoy them,” Mom said, her eyes crinkling. “And by the way! I called Kate at the Safe Haven Wildlife Center, and you’re on for your first volunteer session tomorrow! Dad can drop you off, but make sure you bring the immunization card I left on your bed, okay? And you should also bring a change of coveralls, so you don’t drag home God knows what afterward, okay?”

  I gasped. “I totally forgot about the wildlife center!” I shrieked, turning to dash up the stairs. “I need to find something to wear!”

  Three Things That Suck about Sharing a Birthday with a Boy (Specifically, Your Brother)

  1. No matter what you do, he will always try to blow out all the candles. Even if you have two cakes, and only one of them is for him. That means gross boy spit all over your icing.

  2. For the rest of your life, you will have to endure extra-loud-in-your-ear singing when everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to you because he knows you hate that song.

  3. You’ll have to hear endlessly about how you’re an “old geezer,” simply because you happen to be born four minutes before him.

  Chapter 11

  A bison’s hump is made of muscle, which allows it to push its way through snow with its head like a snowplow.

  —Animal Wisdom

  This would come in handy on those snowy January mornings when we’re late for school, but it would be impossible to find a coat to fit over it, wouldn’t it? I’d probably look like that Quasimodo guy, who lived in the castle. Or was it a clock tower?

  I’m fine.

  I’m fine. I am calm, cool, collected, and supersmart. I’m almost thirteen years old, and I can handle whatever happens today.

  The minute Dad dropped me off at the Safe Haven Wildlife Center, I couldn’t wait to get started. I could help rescue wolves! And release bald eagles! And ride moose!

  Okay, so I definitely knew that riding moose was out of the question, but that didn’t stop me from imagining myself on the summit of some mountain with an eagle on my shoulder. Maybe I should have worn a Katniss braid?

  I tugged my ponytail tighter and stuffed my gloves into my pocket before glancing up at the door to the main clinic. Mom told me that the center was designed with the animals in mind, with several buildings and cages in groups that were well away from human activity. Unlike the zoo, human eyes were the last thing these animals needed, because the more people they interacted with, the more likely they would approach them in the wild. That would be bad news.

  The biggest building—the clinic with two huge windows at the front—was where I was told to check in.

  “Deep breath,” I told myself, turning the knob and stepping through. “Hello?” The reception area was small and empty, so I took another few steps into what looked to be where they checked animals after people dropped them off.

  The walls were buttery yellow, and cages, tanks, and aquariums lined every surface. Brightly colored posters of native wildlife lined the walls, along with anatomy posters of several animals, like turtles, birds, and foxes. Cabinets, drawers, and shelves were well labeled, with tiny tags marking their contents, like gauze, syringes, and bandages. A fridge hummed in the corner of the room with a magnet that read “It’s Raining Cats and Dogs! I Hope It Doesn’t Reindeer!”

  I giggled. Clearly these were my people.

  I jolted as something stirred in one of the cages, like a crinkling paper sound. Peering over the top of the cage, I braced myself for the worst. I knew these animals were here because they were injured, so I had to expect it
, right?

  But I couldn’t prepare myself for what I saw.

  Nope, it wasn’t gross or scary.

  Instead, it was so ridiculously cute.

  A tiny squirrel was curled up inside a bunch of shredded newspaper, his nose twitching as I leaned closer. A blue bandage—like the one Mom had given the fox—was wrapped around his front leg.

  “Hey, little guy,” I whispered. He looked so pitifully adorable. “Do you know where everyone is?”

  Just then, the door burst open. A kid with a wool hat and the world’s largest rubber boots clattered inside. In his hands was a jet-black bird that glared at me accusingly.

  “Who are you?!” he demanded. His jaw was jutted forward, and he seemed to have forgotten he was holding a bird.

  “I’m Ana,” I said hesitantly. Then I forced myself to stand a little taller. There was no way I was going to let a kid like this freak me out. I’d faced off against crocodiles, thankyouverymuch. “I’m a new volunteer here. Today’s my first day. Who are you?”

  He stomped over to one of the birdcages and tucked the black bird inside, latching the door carefully. “You’re not supposed to be in here!” he said, his voice getting higher with each word. “It’s against the rules. You’re supposed to wait out there,” he said matter-of-factly, pointing at the reception area.

  “Hey, listen,” I said, holding up my hands in apology. “I was looking for Kate?”

  “That’s enough, Andrew,” a sharp Australian voice made us both jump.

  I whirled around, facing a woman with short, silvery-gray hair, rosy cheeks, and the dirtiest coveralls I’d ever seen. Spatters of blood, dried milk, and some unidentified brown goo were everywhere.

  Though I had a feeling I knew what it was.

  “Hi!” I said, determined to make a good first impression. “You must be Kate!” I went to stick out my hand for her to shake it, then noticed she already had a mitt full of—what were those?

  I took a step back as I realized whatever they were looked very dead.