Fractured Breaths

by Zoey Derrick

  Most of the girls indulged in drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. When Fat Tony wanted one of them gone, they’d mysteriously disappear from the house with no explanation. My guess is Fat Tony or one of his hired hands killed them, or they were sold to someone who eventually did.

  Until I met Bryan, until I found myself driving across the country toward him, I didn’t understand why I had such a will to live during that time. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I knew there was something better for me.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Bryan says as he returns to his room where I’ve been lying in bed while he took care of “country superstar” business.

  I shake my head. “Nothing of importance,” I tell him.

  He subtly shakes his head. “You were zoned out for quite a few minutes, and I highly doubt it was nothing.”

  I sigh, resigned to telling him what’s on my mind. Even when I don’t want to. “I was just thinking about what happened to me.”

  “Which part?” he asks as he joins me on the bed.

  I sit up, wrapping the sheet around me, keeping me covered. I know I’m about to expose a part of myself to him and having the sheet between us gives me a layer of comfort I need right now. I can’t look at him while I talk to him. Instead, I fidget with the sheet next to me, smoothing it out repeatedly. “I was thinking about how in my two years under Ricci’s control I never considered suicide,” I confide.

  “I’m glad you didn’t,” he whispers.

  I give him a melancholy smile. “Until I met you, I wasn’t so sure about that.” My heart squeezes as sadness fills his eyes.

  “I’m no reason to live.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I just meant that I think there was some sort of higher power at work. A reason for me to still be here. The reason I survived in Fat Tony’s hands. The reason I became a girl the other girls looked to. Though that didn’t stop them from overdosing or committing suicide, or giving Fat Tony a reason to ‘make her disappear’,” I say with one-handed air quotes.

  “What those girls did is not your fault,” he tells me softly.

  I give him another small smile. “I know that. But the part about it that does bother me is the fact that I felt nothing when it would happen. I didn’t fight Fat Tony or Deets or any one of his other guys when one of the girls died or ‘disappeared’. I was so numb to it all and I hate myself for that,” I tell him as a tear streaks down my cheek.

  “And what would you have done? What would you have been able to do that wouldn’t have gotten you into the same situation as them?” His eyes widen expectantly.

  “It should have been me,” I breathe.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because, I should have protected those girls. I should have done something more,” I sob.

  Bryan slides across the bed and scoops me into his arms. I let him.

  Unable to help myself, I snuggle into him, breathing in his scent and letting it ground me. His hand strokes along my back, comforting me. “I tried to step between the girls and Fat Tony. I defended them when I could. I took some beatings on their behalf, but it never mattered. When Fat Tony or one of his goons got done with me, they turned on the girl anyway.”

  “So then why are you beating yourself up over this?”

  “I don’t know,” I cry. “In all these years, I’ve never let myself feel anything about what happened to me. I buried it as deep as I could and now, I can’t stop it.”

  “Shh, breathe, baby,” he coos.

  I try to lock away the pain, but I can’t. Pulling air into my lungs is hard enough to do while sobs wrack my body. I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. Closing my eyes, I cry harder as the faces of so many young girls flash before my eyes. The girls I once knew in what feels like another lifetime.

  All while I break down in Bryan’s arms, Bryan whispers sweet nothings in my ear, and he comforts me until I cry myself to sleep in his arms.

  BRYAN

  Once I’m sure Livia is sound asleep in my bed, I seek out Liam in his room. I knock twice before he hollers, “Come in,” from the other side.

  “Hey,” I tell him as enter. He’s sitting on a bench at the end of his bed removing his leg.

  “What’s up?” he asks as he places his prosthetic next to the bench and looks up at me.

  I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter how many times I see you do that, it still takes me by surprise.”

  He frowns. “Sorry, lad.”

  “No, don’t be sorry. I’ve seen you run. I’ve seen you do so many things that people with two legs can’t do.”

  “When you found me in New York, I got determined. I wanted to prove, not only to you but to myself, I could do anything I did before without hesitation,” he tells me.

  “It shows.”

  “Did you need something?” he asks me.

  I nod. “I went back upstairs and found Livia zoned out. When I coaxed her into talking to me, she completely broke down on me. It took me by surprise, and I didn’t expect the things that came out of her mouth,” I share with him.

  “Like what?”

  “She is suffering from survivor’s guilt in the worst possible way,”

  “Explain?” he asks.

  “She was beating herself up over the fact she couldn’t save the other girls. She blames herself for not standing up against her captors in a way she thinks would have protected them.”

  He sighs.

  “What I don’t understand,” I continue, “Is why now? Why after all this time?”

  “Because she’s forced herself to talk about it,” he tells me. “Imagine something embarrassing that you’ve done.” I nod. “Okay, now imagine telling people about it?”

  I nod again. I think I understand what he’s saying. “The difference,” he raises an eyebrow, “is she has to relive a life she’s fought to suppress for years. Even while it was happening to her.”

  “How do I help her?” I ask.

  “Talk to her, let her keep talking. If she’s comfortable enough to tell you about her past, let her tell you more about it. I can only tell you the things I witnessed and trust me, those are images you don’t want in your head.”

  I sit down next to him on the bench. This is a lot to digest. “How do you handle it?”

  He shrugs, “Some days are easier than others. But I also had a different perspective on it. Each time I saw Fat Tony, or Deets, or one of his other minions, beating on one of the girls or raping them, it was another notch in their charges. I pacified myself with that knowledge, but it killed me. Every. Damn. Day. But I had a job to do and I knew if I continued to do my job, then the end result would be exactly what it was.”

  “Did you ever…” I swallow hesitant to go on.

  He sighs. “No, I didn’t. Not with Livia or any of the other girls. I could usually tell when Tony was in one of his moods so I knew to stay clear. On the rare occasions I got caught up in Tony’s mood swings, the other idiots were more than willing to hand out punishments.” His voice is soft by the time he’s done talking.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

  “No, it’s alright. Maybe she needs to see someone, a shrink? Someone who can help her with the past,” he tells me.

  I nod. “That might be a good idea. I’m a good sounding board, but I’m shit with advice.”

  He smiles. “Some people just need someone to listen. Sometimes they don’t need advice. In her case, I think she needs to learn how to handle the guilt, the fear. Not just bury it again. That’s what got her to this point to begin with.”

  I nod, understanding everything he’s saying. “I just want to be able to help her.”

  “You’ve got a good heart, Bryan, and she deserves someone willing to help her through this.”

  “I just hope it’s enough,” I mutter.

  “Only time will tell.” Knowing he’s right, I stand to leave, but he stops me. “There’s something that the three of us should discuss. And soon.”

  “What ab
out?” I ask, curious.

  “Her identity,” he states simply.

  “What about it?”

  “You need to decide if you want her to be given a new identity or if you’re going to deal with the backlash when people find out you’re dating a stripper. Or worse.”

  I sigh, “That doesn’t bother me.”

  “No, I know it doesn’t bother you, but it may bother them.”

  I scowl at him. “Do you really think I care what they think?”

  “No, I don’t, but the PR nightmare is going to fall on someone else’s shoulders. So you need to either discuss it with Raine, or you need to offer up a new identity for her to take on. I’ve made some calls.”

  “I’m not sure how I feel about this,” I tell him.

  “It’s not an easy decision to make and one you can’t make for her. It would be a lot easier to tell the small handful of friends that she has about a new identity, than it will be to defend her past. She can’t go out into the world on your arm as Livia Fazio.” He speaks in a tone that I’ve come to recognize as concerned.

  “No, she can’t and she won’t, but I don’t understand what is wrong with the Becca identity.”

  He looks at me as if I’ve lost my marbles. “Becca Carpenter was a blonde-haired stripper. Not to mention the fact she was a prostitute, too.”

  “But did she ever get busted as such?”

  “Not that I know of. But it would be easier to hide that part of her life. Do you really want men who’ve been charged for sex to come out to reporters and tabloids?”

  “I get the impression she wasn’t entirely forthcoming with the name Becca.”

  I shrug. “I guess we won’t know until we talk to her about it. But what good will a new identity do for her? Reporters will dig, no matter what.”

  “Trust me, I’ve already thought about that. If we give her a real name, a real identity and a real social security number then reporters won’t have too much to find. Trust me, we can and will make it look legit. We do it every day in witness protection. You can’t send someone off into the world without a solid history. Employers will look at histories. Trust me; Declan knows what he’s doing.”

  “I trust you.”

  “There is one problem.”

  “And that is what? If it’s money…”

  “No, it’s not that. She will have to go to New York.”

  “No,” I say vehemently. “Absolutely not. I will not make her go back there.”

  “I think that’s a choice you need to let her make. She has other things to deal with up there too.” He sighs. “Look, let’s not make decisions for her. She’s an adult. She can decide what she wants to do, but I assure you, no matter what, I will do everything in my power to protect her.”

  I nod absently, not sure what to say. He’s right. Livia needs to decide for herself how she wants to do this. I refuse to have a woman who isn’t capable of being with me for some of my most important events. I’ve been alone for far too long. I want someone to share those things with and I know she’s that person. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  “Aye,” he smiles. “Cheer up, lad. It will all work out how it’s supposed to. Besides, she hates the name Becca.” He winks. I smile back and leave him in his room. This is not a conversation I’m looking forward to.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Adjusting.

  LIVIA

  Bryan’s forehead is pressed against mine. His breathing is as ragged as mine as I feel his cock soften and slip from my sex.

  We’d started off talking and ended up fucking like animals. It’s what we do. And I love it.

  It’s been like this for a week now. During the day, he works, usually in the studio or in his office. The amount of people that come and go from his house is astonishing, but I have to tell you, I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier.

  “Is this what it’s going to be like?” I ask.

  “What do you mean?” he asks as he lifts his head from mine.

  I laugh, “A simple conversation turning to sex?”

  He laughs too, “I can’t help myself.” He groans as he rolls off me, but he takes me with him so we’re facing each other. I curl my arms around my chest and he pulls the sheet up to cover our hips.

  “I know you can’t.” I kiss the tip of his nose.

  “Are you complaining?”

  I give him an expression that displays mock shock. “Never,” I breathe and smile at him. “I just don’t remember what we were talking about,” I laugh.

  “It was nothing important, only that I want you to come out on tour with me.”

  I nod my head. “Ah yes, I remember, that was about the time you were coaxing me into coming with you by explaining what fun it would be to have me all to yourself on the bus.”

  “We can go back to that conversation.” He winks.

  “Mmm, maybe in a little bit. Do you really think it’s a good idea if I come with you?” I raise an eyebrow.

  “I don’t think I can leave you behind for three months.”

  “Three months?” I prop myself on my elbow, staring down at him. Being the sex fiend that he is, he brings his hand up to brush my nipple with the backs of his fingers. I huff. “You’re awful,” I tease. “Seriously? Three months? It’s bad enough I’ve been here for a week.”

  “Do you need to go home?”

  “Oh yes, going home to a dead end job at Dunkin Donuts is really what I want to do,” I mock. “But it is my home.”

  “What if I told you I wanted you to make this your home?” He gestures around the room.

  “You can’t be serious?”

  “As a heart attack.”

  I sit up, pulling the sheet farther up and around my chest.

  “Livi, what’s wrong?”

  I’m not sure I want to tell him that I never want to go back to Phoenix. Sure, I miss Ireland and yup, I can’t think of much else. “I’m not sure I am the type of woman to be kept. It’s been nice sitting around here doing nothing, but I feel useless and it’s starting to make me restless,” I admit.

  “Well, then what would you like to do?”

  I shrug. “Honestly? I have no clue. I feel like I should go get a job or something.”

  “I’m not going to stand in your way, but if you do that, then you can’t go on tour with me.”

  I give him an exasperated look. “And what if you’d found me in Phoenix with a real career? Would you ask me to give that up to come on tour with you?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe, I can’t say for certain what I’d do. The circumstances here are much different.” He starts tracing invisible lines on my back and it sends goosebumps flying across my flesh and my nipples harden.

  “Okay, say I do go on tour with you. I can’t and won’t sit around on the bus all day doing nothing. I’m going to need something to do or I am going to go crazy.”

  “Talk to me, throw out some ideas for me. Let’s see if we can’t come up with a legitimate job for you to do.” He sits up. “Get dressed. I can’t talk about this while you’re naked.”

  “Oh yes, because clothes are such a barrier for you,” I tease and he laughs.

  “Well played.” He winks and climbs off the bed. I’m frozen in place as I watch his sculpted ass cross the room and go into his closet. A closet I now have half of. Though I don’t have much in the way of clothes to fill it, a few things have shown up for me over the last week. I didn’t protest at him buying me things because, well, I liked it. I’m not one of those girls who couldn’t sit around and be housewife material with a husband who spoils her stupid. The fact that he thought enough about me to buy me something makes me happy in a way I never imagined possible. Maybe it’s because I’ve had so little in my life that having finer things like designer jeans and shoes make me giddy. Not to mention the face I get from him when I show up in his office or studio wearing one of the outfits he picked for me.

  He comes out of the closet wearing jeans, a black t-shirt and a pair of flip-flops on his fee
t. Naked Bryan is the best picture on earth, but Bryan in jeans, a tight t-shirt and flip-flops sends my pulse racing. Probably because I know what’s underneath it all.

  “Meet me in my office?”

  I nod. “Be there in a few minutes.”

  He leans over me and kisses my forehead and his fingers find a nipple and roll it twice, just enough to put me back on edge and I groan. He smirks as he walks out of the room.

  Once I’m alone, I throw off the sheet and head into the bathroom. I turn the water on in the spacious shower and while giving it a minute to warm, I look in the mirror.

  My hair is disheveled, as always, my cheeks are still flush from the three orgasms he gave me before he gave up one for himself. My lips look swollen. I bite my lower lip thinking about Bryan’s tongue. I shiver and pull myself away from the mirror and into the shower.

  BRYAN

  “I want her to come on the tour,” I tell Liam.

  “I figured you would,” he replies. “Have you brought it up to her yet?”

  “I did. She hasn’t said no, but she hasn’t exactly said yes. She said that she needs something to do, a job or something to help occupy her time.”

  Liam gives me a knowing grin. “You do realize that she has a marketing degree, right?”

  I stare at him, blinking a few times. “Seriously? Why has she not said anything?”

  “Maybe you’re not asking the right questions,” Liam suggests.

  I sigh. “Well, I guess that might be a good place to start, but I don’t want to step on Raine’s toes either.”

  He shakes his head. “I’m pretty sure Raine wouldn’t mind the help. Besides, you know Cami; she doesn’t like to send you on tour without one of her own to tag along. Do you really think Raine wants to spend three months on a bus?”

  I shake my head. “No, I doubt she would, but I know she would if its business.”

  “Well, what if Livia and Raine can work side by side?”

  “Is there time enough for that?” I ask. “I’d imagine Cami will want a say in all this.”