Fractured Breaths

by Zoey Derrick

  “Any idiot with a computer can do some research,” I counter.

  “Have I done something to make you mistrust me, Livia?”

  I want to roll my eyes, but I refrain because tensions are already tight. “You do remember McMurray, don’t you?” I raise an eyebrow.

  “On my brother’s life, I will stay away. The four of us can go tomorrow. Just have Liam let me know the time,” Declan vows before saying good-bye.

  “I’m going to go take a shower,” I tell the guys after Declan leaves.

  “What do you want for dinner?” Bryan asks me.

  I shrug. “Surprise me.”

  “Room service?”

  I nod before kissing him on the cheek and grabbing my suitcase. I left him with so many questions in his eyes, but I’m not ready to talk about what happened earlier. I know his mind isn’t consumed with the mystery my father has left for me. He’s desperate for answers about my breakdown earlier.

  I don’t know what to tell him. My reaction scared the hell out of me. I don’t know why I dragged him in here like I did. Declan had me wired and my reaction to him was completely uncalled for. He doesn’t deserve my ire. It’s not his fault I ended up in that situation, but I took it out on him anyway. Then I forced Bryan into doing something he clearly wasn’t comfortable doing. I kept thinking I needed to be punished for my actions. For disrespecting Declan. I was on auto-pilot and I don’t even know where it all came from. It was practically involuntary. I don’t quite understand it myself, let alone being able to explain it to Bryan.

  I undress and look at myself in the mirror. The bathroom light catches the glint of new skin in the scars that mar my body. Scars from being beaten. They’re everywhere and I’m surprised Bryan hasn’t said anything about them. Then again, they’re no longer pink and angry like they were when they were fresh. I covered the nastiest ones with make-up when I was stripping. They never seemed to bother any of the johns. Then again, I played the strung-out prostitute pretty well, so they probably assumed it was part of the package.

  I cover my stomach with my hands as I walk away from the mirror and turn on the water.

  BRYAN

  As soon as I hear the water in the shower turn on, I turn to Liam. “I need to talk to you.”

  “I’m sorry about Declan. He’s a bit of a handful sometimes.”

  “That’s not what I want to talk to you about. I think she handled herself just fine with him. Kind of offsets that theory we had before about her feeling guilty for not standing up for those girls.” Liam has a smile on his face that I’m about to wipe right off. “Until you left,” I add somberly.

  “What are you talking about, lad?”

  “The minute you two were gone, she…” I pause, swallowing back the bile that rises in my throat. “I think she’s forgotten how much she did actually stand up for those girls.”

  “What do you mean?” he asks.

  I sigh. “The minute you and Declan were out the door, she grabbed me by my shirt and dragged me into the bedroom. It started off intense, as in, full of crazy wild passion.” I swallow again. “Then she…” I close my eyes; this is so much harder than I imagined. Get yourself together, Hayes. I give myself a mental pep talk while Liam waits patiently for me to continue my story. “She made me punish fuck her.”

  “She, what?” he says with complete shock.

  I nod, “At first, it was okay, but then she started crying. She just, I don’t know. It was like she was possessed by something other than herself. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life. The moment she came, she deflated and completely broke down in tears. She cried into my chest for over an hour before she fell asleep.”

  “Jesus, she’s in worse shape than I imagined,” he breathes. “We need to get her some help and a-sap.”

  “It made me sick, literally,” I confess.

  “It’s her coping mechanism. She doesn’t know any other way, but it doesn’t have to be bad,” he tells me.

  “Explain, because as far as awful goes, it was fifty shades of it.”

  “Was it awful because you didn’t enjoy it or because it was a sudden surprise?”

  I raise an eyebrow at him. “Both, equally fucked up.”

  He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He simply nods as he starts pacing back and forth. “What if, with help, that need doesn’t go away?” he asks.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do that ever again.”

  “But you’d be willing to do anything to keep her happy, safe and sane, wouldn’t you?” he asks.

  “Absolutely, without a doubt.”

  “There’s a chance this isn’t the last time this will happen. Even with help. Some people have their own way of dealing with things. This is hers. In time, the frequency of those kinds of episodes may decline, but for now, even with help, she might not know any different.”

  “This is the first time it’s happened. What if it never happens again?” I ask.

  “She still needs help. She needs to talk to someone, someone she can trust and be completely open and honest with her that is not going to judge her. If it never happens again, then you have nothing to worry about. What happened today could have been triggered by any number of things. But if you think about it, Bryan, she’s under a lot of stress, and maybe she just needed someone to take it away, take control of it, if only for a minute.” Liam stops pacing. “If it happens again, try and give her what she needs.”

  “I’ll always give her what she needs, but it doesn’t mean I have to like what I’m doing. I draw the line at hitting her, so let’s hope she doesn’t ask,” I tell him and it’s true. In hindsight, the whole situation was scarier than it was awful. Sure, I didn’t come, I couldn’t, but it wasn’t about me. It was about her. It was about fulfilling a need within her and that was exactly what I managed to do. Next time, when I’m not completely blindsided by what she needs, it might be easier to manage.

  I sigh, secretly hoping there will never be a next time.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Letting Go.

  LIVIA

  After my shower, I find some pajama pants and steal one of Bryan’s t-shirts. I smile. I stole it when I was packing. It’s literally one of his t-shirts, but it’s ridiculously soft and what makes it better is that it’s big on me yet it accentuates what curves I have. Satisfied, I leave the room.

  I find Bryan sitting at the dining table with his back to me and he doesn’t move when the door clicks open. His head is down and I can’t tell what he’s doing, but it looks like he’s on his phone. I walk behind him and run my hand over his shoulders. “Hey,” I say softly, “Where’s Liam?”

  Bryan’s head comes up and his brow is furrowed like he’s been deep in thought, and he seems down, forlorn even. “He went to take care of some stuff. Sit, dinner’s here.” He gestures toward a chair on his left, one facing the window and the Manhattan skyline.

  I hate to open the can of worms, but it is inevitable. He’s going to ask me about this afternoon and I am not entirely sure what I’m going to say, but his melancholy mood isn’t going to work for me. “What’s wrong?” I ask him.

  He locks his phone and sets it on the chair to his right. He has an anti-phone rule when it comes to meals. When I asked him about it, he told me that he rarely gets away from business so he forces himself to have an unhurried, uninterrupted meal. His meals are frequently interrupted anyway. His eyes meet mine, a million questions brewing in his blue eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I blurt. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “I do,” he admits. “I’ll be honest, Livi, it scared the living hell out of me. When it was over, I…” he takes a deep breath, “I felt dirty and… it made me sick.”

  I fidget with my hands in my lap. I don’t know how to respond to that. Bryan tucks a finger under my chin, lifting my face to look at him. “Livia, I understand why you did what you did. No, I did not enjoy it. Seeing you cry is not something I enjoy seeing, bu
t I noticed a dramatic change in you when you woke up. You need to understand that there is absolutely nothing that you deserve to be punished for. There is nothing you can do to me or to anyone else to warrant that kind of punishment.” He swallows and releases my chin. “I think the thing that got to me the most is that it took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting that.” He gives me a small smile. “I like rough sex, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re using it as a tool to punish yourself, I don’t know if I can do that for you.”

  My heart sinks and unwanted tears fill my eyes. My chin quivers.

  He shakes his head. “Don’t cry. Livia, talk to me.”

  “You’re leaving me?”

  There is a shock and hurt that crosses his face that makes the tears spill over, “God, no,” he breathes. “I’m not going anywhere. This is not going to drive me away from you. Not at all.”

  The tears flow freely now, though more from happiness than fear of losing him. I sniffle, “Then what are you saying?”

  He gives me an understanding smile. “I’m saying if what happened today is something you need, if it’s something you’re unable to deal without, I will make do with what I can. I just don’t want to be thrown off guard like that again.”

  “I honestly didn’t know what I was doing until it was already done.” I look back at my hands. “When I was with them, I had a mouth on me, much like I do now. They always punished me for it. It didn’t matter, I’d still mouth off. I’d still piss them off and each time I got punished for it.”

  “Did you like being punished?” he asks me.

  I shake my head and look around, looking anywhere but at Bryan. I don’t know how to explain this to him without sounding completely irrational and crazy. I swallow. “When they would beat me, or worse, it was…god, this is going to sound like I’m completely fucking insane,” I mutter. “I welcomed the punishments because it made me feel alive. Made me actually feel something. It reminded me that I was still alive. I was still breathing. It was…” I look at him as I find the right word, “cathartic.”

  “I don’t understand.” His voice is soft.

  I stand and move behind my chair and start pacing as I try and explain this to him. “I was numb. I lived in a constant state of numbness for more than two years. I was forced to do things with my body, with men, women, sometimes multiple at the same time. Whatever they paid for, I was supposed to do it without hesitation and without question. The only way that I could do that was to disconnect my mind from my body.” I shudder remembering that time in my life. “I honestly cannot tell you what any of them looked like. I only vaguely remember anything that was done to me or that I did to them. It was my way of compartmentalizing reality.

  “Fat Tony, Deets, Tony’s other men, when they would beat me or rape me, I felt pain, I felt fear. I felt alive. But that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it because I most certainly did not, but it gave me the reality check I needed to remind myself that I was alive. That I wasn’t just a shell of a human being. Does any of this make sense?” I look at him. His face is red with anger, his fists are clenched and his shoulders look stiff.

  “Unfortunately,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “Please don’t be angry with me.”

  He softens immediately and shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m not angry with you. I’m angry that you had to endure all that just so you could feel alive, just so you could feel anything,” he breathes.

  I shrug. “I am so very sorry that I made you do that today.”

  He cocks his head, his eyes full of emotion and unshed tears. “I’d like to be able to come up with another way for you to get that kind of release, but until we do, I will set aside my personal feelings and help you as best as I can.” He takes a deep breath before standing and approaching me. His hands cup my cheeks and he says, “It won’t be easy, but I understand why you think that’s the only way to handle frustration, rage, anger or that you think your smart mouth needs to be punished, but I have to tell you, Livi. Watching you today, with Declan, the passion in your voice, your eyes, it was amazing to see. The only time I see that kind of passion is when I’m buried deep inside you,” His voice is barely above a whisper. “I never want to punish you for displaying such true emotion. Not now and not ever. I love you, Livia.”

  My heart stops beating for a moment then explodes with overwhelming hope, desire and love at his declaration. “I love you,” I breathe back and his lips slam against mine. Fire ignites in my veins and desire explodes inside me. I moan into his mouth and he steals his chance to slide his tongue along mine. Our breathing becomes ragged and fractured. For the first time in my life, I understand what it means to be loved- truly, madly, deeply loved. I have this man to thank for that.

  He slows his kisses and pulls back, peppering my lips with a few more before he pulls back and wraps his arms around me. I snake my arms around his back, holding him to me as tight as I possibly can. I never want to let him go.

  BRYAN

  “Sit, you need to eat.”

  “I’m not very hungry for food,” she purrs, but she winks and sits.

  “Neither am I, but we haven't eaten anything since this morning.” I smile at her.

  She pouts. I chuckle as I uncover the food I ordered. “It smells good,” she says and we dig in.

  Our dinner conversation was light. We talked about the upcoming days here in New York. She and Liam have worked over the last couple of days coordinating travel times and mapping out where we need to be. Liam is from New York so it wasn’t too much of a hassle, but I was surprised Livia got into it too.

  All in all I expected more of a fight from her over coming back to New York, but she’s handled it pretty well. I reluctantly bring up the trip we agreed to make tomorrow. “Is there time in the schedule for us to go…?” I purposefully leave off the location. She’s been through enough today. I’m not sure she needs or wants the reminder. She knows without me saying the words where I’m hinting at.

  “You’re scheduled to be done by four tomorrow. Even if we run over, we should have time.”

  “Okay,” I say, not wanting to force her into discussing anything about where we’re going.

  “I’ve never been there. Well, not since he died,” she admits softly.

  “I’m not a fan, myself.”

  She looks at me. “I’ve never even asked you about your parents.”

  “Divorced,” I state simply.

  She raises an eyebrow in question. “Is that all?”

  I shrug. “My mom, she’s amazing. My biggest fan and loudest supporter. Unfortunately with my schedule I don’t get to see her much.” I stop there.

  “Where does she live?”

  “Oregon, a place called Two Sisters. It’s in central Oregon, so getting there is even harder. I usually drive down from Portland. When I’m in the area, I try to get down there.” I place my napkin on my plate.

  “I’ve never been to Oregon,” she shares.

  I smile. “Then I will take you. It’s gorgeous country up there. It’s a great escape.”

  “What about your dad?”

  I sigh. “That’s a complicated subject. My dad is married to my mother. He’s my step-dad and a very good man. He takes good care of my mother and he practically raised me. My biological father, on the other hand, is a deadbeat idiot I haven’t seen since I was eleven or twelve. Though he calls on occasion, usually when he’s drunk, needs money or is in jail.”

  “Do you give it to him?”

  “No,” I say tersely.

  “Any brothers or sisters?”

  “Biologically? Not that I know of. I do have one brother, a younger one. You’ll meet him and get to know him pretty well here in the next couple of weeks.” I smile thinking about the dork. I haven’t talked to him in a couple weeks. I make a mental note to give him a call when I have time this week.

  “Oh? He works for you?” she asks as she sets her fork down then wipes her mouth and tosses her napkin on the plate.

  “H
e does. He’s head of the road crew. He makes sure everywhere is where they need to be when they need to be there. He directs the stage set up and honestly,” I shake my head, “I have no idea how he does it, but I can’t imagine a show without him behind the scenes.”

  “Are you guys close?”

  “We’ve gotten closer over the years, but even being on the road, I don’t see him much. He’s usually on the first bus in and the last bus out. If the schedule is really tight, he flies from one place to the other. His schedule makes mine look like a cakewalk.” I laugh, “But the perk to his job is he gets to schedule the date, cities and their locations. Well, he picks them now, someone else actually handles the scheduling and he only has to work for a few months at a time.”

  “Sounds like my kind of job.” Her face lights up.

  “Hey, I only gave you a job because you begged for it.”

  She nods, smiling. “Yes, I did. Despite the last month lounging around your house, I’m not one to sit around and do nothing. Even though we’re in New York, I’m happy to be out of the house.”

  “That makes two of us.” I stand and offer my hand to her. “So, what ever shall we do tonight?” I say playfully.

  “Oh, I don’t know, have something in mind?” She winks and starts walking toward the bedroom. She throws a little extra thrust in her hips as she does. Her body beginning the slow seduction that will lead to rumpled up sheets and naked bodies curled up together before the night is out.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Here we go again…

  LIVIA

  “Have you come up with a name yet?” Liam asks as we’re on our way to Declan’s office. I’m not exactly looking forward to seeing him again, but I don’t have much of a choice. We came into New York yesterday, despite Bryan’s appointments being for this afternoon, because I need to meet with Declan.