Love, Witches, & Other Delusions

by Natsume Akatsuki

  All of a sudden I noticed the picture she’d been drawing, using nothing but water, and I was transfixed.

  It was an absolute masterpiece. An image of a sublime angel contemplating a flower…!

  “Oh, yeah, I guess she said something like that. But we won’t know if we don’t try. I can’t promise I can really break through the barriers.”

  As she spoke, Aqua slid the picture back into her glass without a hint of regret.

  “Aww, what’d you do that for? What a waste!”

  “What’re you whining about? I finish one picture, then I erase it so I can start a new one.”

  Loudly enough to be heard over our bickering, the employee said, “Break the barriers?! Destroyer’s barriers?!”

  Aqua and I immediately became the focus of everyone in the room.

  I waved my hands apologetically. “I mean—just maybe. No promises.”

  This set off a commotion in the Guild Hall.

  And then…

  “Perhaps we could ask you to try it? If it works, then magic attacks might… Ah, but not just anyone could hit it. A town full of novices probably doesn’t have the firepower…”

  The employee’s fretting brought the room to silence again.

  Except for one adventurer.

  “Firepower? We’ve got firepower. Even if she is a little crazy.”

  Chatter again.

  “Oh yeah, that weird girl—!”

  “There was that one strange kid…”

  “Hold it right there. If you are referring to me, I will have you stop now. Or else I shall show you just how crazy I can be.”

  Megumin was standing with staff in hand. The other adventurers all looked away innocently.

  The Demon King’s general, Beldia, was to blame for this. He had once called Megumin an insane whelp of the Crimson Magic Clan, and the nickname had stuck among the town’s adventurers.

  As suddenly as she had stood, Megumin blushed with the weight of anticipation she bore.

  “I—I doubt if even my Explosion could take down Destroyer in one…one blow,” she whispered, and sat back down.

  So we needed at least one more. One more powerful magic-wielder…

  Just as the Guild was being sucked down by the thought, the door opened.

  “I’m sorry I’m late! Wiz, owner of Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe, reporting. I am certified as an adventurer, so I wanted to help…”

  Wiz had on a black robe and the apron she wore around the shop; she must have been right in the middle of something when she rushed out to join the meeting. All she looked ready to help with was the mess hall.

  But at her arrival, a cheer went up from the gathered adventurers.

  “The owner’s here!”

  “It’s the penniless proprietor!”

  “I’m in your debt, Miss! I dream of your shop every night!”

  “The owner’s here! We can do it! We can win!”

  I knew Wiz was a Lich. But I didn’t know why she inspired such enthusiasm in the other adventurers.

  I leaned over and whispered to Taylor, “Hey, Wiz is, like, a celebrity. Why’s she so popular? And what’s with ‘the penniless proprietor’? That’s insulting. Is her shop doing that badly?”

  “You don’t know? Miss Wiz used to be a renowned magic-user, a powerful Arch-wizard. She retired and dropped out of sight for a while, but then all of a sudden she showed up in this town and opened that shop. It’s not doing so well because nobody needs expensive magic items in a town full of rookies. There’d probably be more demand in the Capital or somewhere. You know, someplace they actually fight big monsters and need rare herbs and super-pricey magical stuff. Everyone around here just goes to get a peek at the gorgeous shopkeeper—nobody actually buys anything.”

  Yeesh. If they were gonna treat the place like a peep show, at least let her make a profit.

  “Th-thank you for your patronage. I hope to see you at Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe… Yes, I’m the owner. Thank you very much. The Shoppe does appear to be headed into the red again…!”

  Thus Wiz greeted the welcoming adventurers, bowing repeatedly.

  Maybe actually buy something next time, ya bums!

  “The owner of Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe? It has been a while! On behalf of the staff, welcome! Please, this way.”

  The Guild employee led Wiz, who continued to bow to all and sundry, to a table in the middle of the room and seated her there.

  When Wiz sat down, the adventurers looked at the employee in charge with renewed hope.

  As if in response, the employee said, “Now that Miss Wiz is here, we can resume planning! Let me summarize for your benefit, ma’am. First, Miss Aqua, the Arch-priest, will bring down Destroyer’s barriers. Then, the stra—Ahem, Miss Megumin will unleash Explosion on Mobile Fortress. That’s what we have so far.”

  Wiz put a hand to her mouth in thought.

  “…It would probably be best to target the legs with Explosion. Destroyer has eight of them, four on each side. Perhaps Miss Megumin and I could each cover a side. If we can take out its legs, we might be able to find a way to finish it off…”

  The employee nodded along with Wiz’s suggestion.

  That’s a Lich for you, I guess. She can even use Explosion.

  Without its legs, the mobile fortress would be a whole lot less mobile, not to mention no one would have to worry about getting trampled anymore.

  We wouldn’t even have to get onto the torso, with its dangerous-sounding Battle Golems. We could just keep an eye on the immobilized Destroyer and let Megumin wear it down with an Explosion each day.

  And its creator was supposed to still be aboard. Who knew? Maybe if he was subjected to a daily magical barrage, he’d give himself up.

  We put together a plan based on Wiz’s suggestion.

  We covered a lot of contingencies, too, in case the plan failed. People suggested traps near the town, barricades, and more.

  “All right. After the barriers come down, Miss Wiz and Miss Megumin will attack Destroyer’s legs with Explosion. A front line of adventurers armed with hammers and the like will be stationed along the fortress’s predicted route. In the event the magical assault fails, they will attack the legs with their armaments and destroy them. The fortress’s creator is believed to still be aboard, and there is a chance he will try something. Against this possibility, archers will be equipped with roped arrows to allow access to the main body. Lightly armored adventurers, please be ready to assist in boarding the fortress if need be!”

  The Guild employee running the meeting reviewed the plan one last time and began to give everyone their instructions.

  4

  The citizenry had joined the adventurers outside the town limits and set up improvised barricades as quickly as they could. I spotted among the workers the boss of the construction company that had employed Aqua and me when we first came to this world.

  We planned to meet Destroyer on the field just outside the main gate. People whose classes gave them trap-laying abilities set about laying them, even though they knew it was futile.

  In front of the barricade was a group of people of the Creator class debating how best to draw a magic circle on the ground.

  “Come on, Darkness,” I said for the umpteenth time. “I won’t think any less of you. I know how tough you are, but this isn’t a fight you can help with. Forget your dumb kink for once and fall back to the roadside with me. Okay?”

  Darkness stood in front of the barricade that fronted the town gate. Our perv Crusader insisted she wouldn’t move from that spot and refused to hear any more about it.

  She had stuck her new great sword in the ground and was resting both hands on the hilt. She looked into the distance, in the direction of the as-yet-unseen Destroyer.

  At long last, she broke her silence.

  “Kazuma. I know it’s my usual behavior that’s making you say such things, and I don’t blame you. But do you think I am so bound by my own desires in this, an hour of great ne
ed?”

  “Sure I do. Why wouldn’t you be?”

  She fell silent. Then her cheeks turned slightly red, and she went on quietly:

  “I am a Paladin. And more than that, I have a reason to protect this town. Maybe I’ll tell you about it someday.”

  She saw me nod and continued:

  “I can’t tell you now, but I have a duty to protect those who live here. Most people probably neither know nor care about it, but I do. So tell me how useless my struggle is. Still, I won’t move one step from this spot.”

  “You sure can be selfish and stubborn sometimes,” I said wearily. Darkness looked troubled.

  “…Do you hate selfish, stubborn party members?” she asked.

  “I guess when a certain Arch-priest is acting that way, I want to sock her one. But this kind of selfishness…no, I don’t hate it.”

  I didn’t think too hard about those words. But Darkness seemed somehow relieved.

  “…I see.”

  5

  “I couldn’t get her to move. If we want our stubborn pervert back in one piece, we’d better make this work,” I said to Megumin, who was waiting near the place we’d chosen to engage Destroyer, looking anxious.

  “I-i-is that so? Th-then I must succeed! I’ll surely…!”

  “H-hey, if I need to, I’ll just Steal away all her heavy armor and then drag her off by the hair.”

  More importantly…

  “Hey, there’s smoke coming from your head. Are you all right? What’s up with that? Trying to put on a show for me?”

  “N-no, Lady Aqua, this is just…what happens when I’m out in the sun too long…”

  Aqua and Wiz were leaning toward each other on the far side of the engagement point, talking about something.

  All around Aqua and me stood adventurers armed with hammers and other blunt instruments that looked likely to be very effective against golems. There were Archers armed with arrows that had a hook on one end and a thin but sturdy-looking rope attached to the other. Once we’d immobilized the fortress, they would be in a position to board it at any time.

  The Guild employee’s magically amplified voice rang out across the field:

  “All adventurers, we have visual on Mobile Fortress Destroyer! All citizens, please leave the town and move to a safe distance! Adventurers, prepare for battle!”

  Mobile Fortress Destroyer.

  It reminded me of General Winter: a name some power-up-wielding Japanese had probably dreamed of on a whim.

  I kind of resented whoever that was—until I saw the Destroyer for myself.

  The first thing I could see was its head, cresting a far hill.

  Slight though they were, I could feel tremors in the earth.

  “I didn’t know it would be so big,” someone murmured.

  Honestly, neither did I.

  I knew, from long acquaintance, just how powerful Megumin’s Explosion was. And even I had to wonder: Would it really be enough to bring down this thing?

  “Hey,” someone nearby said in a panic, “there’s no way we can fight this, is there? Can we fight this? There’s no way, is there?!”

  “Create Earth Golem!”

  The Creators summoned golems of earth. They stood behind Darkness as she guarded the town, as if at her service.

  All the Creators in Axel were novices, too. They could try to create bigger or stronger golems, but the constructs would have proportionately shorter life spans. That was why they’d waited so long to cast the spell.

  “It’s huge! And fast! It’s way more terrifying than I expected!”

  The adventurers around me were starting to waver as the massive form drew nearer.

  “It’s here! Heads down, everyone! Don’t stand in front of it unless you want to get squished!”

  Whoever was shouting, no one was really listening to the last-minute instructions.

  Such was the overwhelming intimidation of the fortress that loomed over us.

  “Hey, Wiz! Is this gonna work? Is this really gonna work?!”

  Aqua stood at a distance from Megumin and me, desperately seeking assurance from Wiz.

  “It will. Leave it to me, Lady Aqua. I may not look like much, but I am a Lich, the most powerful of the undead. Once you bring down the magic barriers, just let me do the rest! …And if you can’t bring them down, we’ll all return to dust together!”

  “This is no time for jokes!”

  I couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but as I watched the two of them jabber, I turned to Megumin, trembling next to me. “Hey, calm down already. No one’s gonna blame you if this doesn’t work. We’ll just leave the town to its inevitable destruction. Don’t overthink it!”

  “I-I-I-I-I-I’ll be fine! I sh-sh-shall destroy it with Explosion!”

  She could hardly stop her teeth from chattering.

  Not that I could fault her. This was new to everyone here.

  “It’s coming! Ready for battle!”

  Taylor’s voice, perhaps?

  For some reason, I’d been entrusted to signal when and where Aqua should let loose her magic. The Guild had even given me a magical device similar to a megaphone so I could communicate.

  I guess it must have been because I was the party leader of both Aqua and Megumin, two of the key figures in the plan.

  I gathered Taylor had put a few good words in the ears of the Guild staff, too.

  Almost before we knew what was going on, Destroyer was practically on top of us. It dominated the scene. You could hardly do anything but stare up at it. If I hadn’t been assigned to command—if Darkness hadn’t been so stubborn—I would’ve turned and run right there.

  The top of the fortress was flat, like a battleship. Atop its deck was a towering shape that resembled a hermit crab, mounted with armored turrets. The whole thing looked like the world’s biggest spider.

  Mobile Fortress Destroyer.

  It may have been a stupid name, but it was no joke. The size of a small castle, it completely ignored our traps, the ground rumbling with its every step.

  “Now, Aqua! Do it!”

  It was on track to trample our town. We had it right where we wanted it.

  On my signal, Aqua cast her spell.

  “Sacred Dispel!”

  An elaborate magic circle rose around her, and a ball of white light hovered in her hand.

  She thrust out her hand and fired the ball at Destroyer.

  It struck the fortress. Something like a cloak flashed all around Destroyer for an instant, then shattered like glass.

  Megumin looked at me for direction. Her staff was quaking gently, and she looked profoundly uneasy.

  What we saw must have been the magic barrier shattering.

  That meant we should be able to hit it with spells now.

  I raised the megaphone to my lips and shouted, “Wiz, you’re up! Take out the legs on that side!”

  Then I turned to the trembling Megumin.

  “Hey, you. Do you really love Explosion magic? I sure hear you talk about it enough. Are you gonna let Wiz show you up? Is your Explosion so weak it can’t even bust through a few giant metal legs?”

  “Why, you—! To insult my name is bad enough, but this—!”

  The anger seemed to burn off her nervousness. Megumin straightened up and began a clear, powerful chant.

  Ruuuumble. Destroyer was nearly upon us.

  One Lich, who’d left a career as a great Arch-wizard to run a struggling magical item shop.

  And one crazy explosion lady, an Arch-wizard of the Crimson Magic Clan who had poured everything she had into this magic.

  Together, they let off their most powerful attack on the biggest bounty around.

  “Explosion!!!”

  —Their spells unfurled in perfect unison, tearing every last leg off the towering enemy!

  6

  The suddenly legless Mobile Fortress Destroyer dropped to the ground with a resounding crash and an earth-shaking tremor, and then, succumbing to the law of
gravity, it began to slide toward the town.

  The giant, tumbling carapace didn’t even make it to the barricade, but slid to a stop about a nose-length away from where Darkness stood holding the front line.

  Bits of exploded fortress rained down on us adventurers. There didn’t seem to be many bits left on Wiz’s side. Maybe her explosion had simply been so powerful, it had vaporized everything on that side.

  Rather large fragments of leg, however, were pelting us on Megumin’s side.

  Which meant…

  “Hrrg… H-how shameful… Th-that is a Lich f-for you. My level simply is not high enough to match Wiz’s explosive power…,” Megumin muttered dejectedly from the ground.

  I hefted her little body in my arms and held her up. Her face had gone white from using all her MP.

  “I c-cannot bear it!” she said. “Next time… Next time, I will…”

  “Right, right. You did good. Wiz is a Lich who’s mastered the magical arts; it’s no wonder she’s more powerful. Just do your best next time. Look, you did what you were supposed to. Nice work.”

  As I tried to help her rest in the shade, she grabbed on to me.

  “Another chance! Give me another chance! To…to prove my Explosion is strongest…”

  “H-hey, leggo! Don’t grab my pants like that! Fine, I get it, you’re the best exploder! You just weren’t on top of your game today! I promise I’ll watch another explosion once your MP regenerates, so get off me and go rest somewhere safe!”

  I dragged Megumin back into the shade and forced her to lie down. While the other adventurers were still busy dodging the hail of fortress pieces, Aqua and Wiz came up to me out of the crowd.

  Darkness, though, hadn’t moved an inch; she was totally unfazed by the leg bits. She hadn’t even closed her eyes.

  I looked once more at Destroyer’s dismembered body. It sat still and silent.

  When the rain of debris had mostly abated and the adventurers had had a chance to settle down and take in what had happened, they let out a collective ooh of admiration.