Love, Witches, & Other Delusions

by Natsume Akatsuki

  Then she asked in a rush:

  “May I drain some from you?”

  “Gladly.”

  What, you thought I was gonna ask how, like a letch?

  That I was hoping for a better moment?

  Nah. I wasn’t so dense that I didn’t know to step up at a time like this.

  “Thank you very much! All right, here goes…”

  Wiz’s full lips somehow filled my vision.

  Mom! Dad! I had to go all the way to a fantasy world to do it, but I’m finally gonna be a ma—

  “Forgive me, Mr. Kazuma! Drain Touch!”

  “Yaaaaaaagghh!”

  “H-hey, ‘Mr. Kazuma’ is gonna be a dried-up husk if you take any more!”

  Aqua hurried to stop the drain, and Wiz politely took her hand away before I lost consciousness.

  What a letdown.

  I mean, not that I hadn’t had a sense of what was coming.

  “This will allow me to use my Teleport spell! But…where should I send this? The only places I can send things are Axel town, the Capital, and my dungeon. What to do, what to do…”

  So she was going to teleport the stone somewhere.

  “Why not just send it to that dungeon?”

  “Th-the dungeon I’ve registered as a teleport location is the biggest dungeon in the world. It used to be a major center for the collection of magical items, and now it’s a famous tourist destination…!”

  “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Man, this is bad! That gem’s not even red anymore—we’re into white here!”

  As Aqua and Wiz dithered, I kept casting Freeze on the stone… It was like trying to keep a snowball safe in Hell.

  “There is one possibility. Random Teleport sends the target to an undetermined location. The problem is, we really have no control over it—so if we’re lucky, it’ll wind up in the ocean or on top of a mountain, but if not, it may land in a populated area…!”

  Wiz knitted her brow, her voice almost cracking.

  Random Teleport?

  “Who cares?! It’s a big world! There’s gotta be a better chance of it landing somewhere deserted! Do it—I’ll take full responsibility! I may not look like much, but I’ve got Luck to spare!”

  Wiz nodded, then intoned loudly:

  “Random Teleport!”

  9

  “So what happened? Where’d the Coronatite go? It wasn’t anywhere near here, was it?”

  Wiz and Aqua exchanged an uneasy look.

  Whatever. The first thing we had to do was get out of here.

  When we emerged from the room, we found the other adventurers had taken out every golem on the deck—and had assumed the cessation of the warning was a signal to withdraw.

  We were the only ones left on board; everyone else had already made their way down the ropes.

  Even the researcher’s bones had abandoned ship; they were in a wooden box.

  I collected Megumin from the shade of her tree and hefted her onto my back, then found Darkness among the crowd of triumphant adventurers. Still she stood, statue-like, in front of the town.

  While everyone else celebrated, Darkness alone remained vigilant.

  “Hey, Darkness. We managed to take out Destroyer’s heart. It’s over… Phewww. That really took it out of me. Let’s go home, maybe treat ourselves to a nice meal for once.”

  Darkness, however, murmured quietly:

  “It’s not over. I can smell a powerful opponent from a mile away, and the fragrance of danger still hangs heavily here. Nothing’s over yet!”

  As if in response to her words, Mobile Fortress itself began to quake with a series of tremors.

  Hey—didn’t we take out that thing’s power source?!

  “What the heck is going on? A-anybody know what the heck’s going on?”

  “S-s-s-stay calm! Times like this, all you have to do is—you know! Just cut the red wire or the white wire or whatever!”

  “That’s a bomb, you moron! What I mean is, why is Destroyer still active when we took out its core?!”

  The others adventurers had noticed something amiss, too, and promptly tried to put as much distance between themselves and Destroyer as they could.

  “Wh-what are we going to do?! All the pent-up heat inside that thing is trying to get out! And I can’t Teleport something that big! You see the giant crack in the front of Destroyer that our Explosions made? That’s where the heat is escaping! At this rate, the town will—”

  “Cram it! Nobody wants to hear it! Kazuma—Kazumaaa! Do something, quick!”

  Aqua interrupted Wiz with her ridiculous demand.

  Geez, you dumb… I mean, what could I do?!

  Wiz was pleading with the nearby adventurers:

  “MP! Somebody give me their MP! If I put an Explosion right in that crack, it’ll cancel out Destroyer’s explosion!”

  I rushed up and grabbed hold of her, whispering fiercely, “H-hey, Wiz! What’re you doing?! No one else knows you can drain! What do you plan to do if everyone finds out you’re a Lich? It’s one thing for a human like me to use Lich skills—but if they start looking too closely at you, you won’t last a second!”

  “B-but I’m the only one who can stop that thing! And I can only d-do it by draining…!”

  I held up a hand to stop her.

  “No. I can drain, too. I’ll drain MP from someone here, then pass it to you. It’s an extra step, but it’s our only choice.”

  Drain Touch not only absorbed HP or MP from a target but could also grant them to a target as well.

  MP, MP…

  “Come on, Darkness, don’t just stand there being stubborn—let’s go! Run far away! We can start fresh! …Hang on a second. Our whole debt is with the Guild in this town, so if it goes up in smoke—!”

  “Hey, self-proclaimed whatever, c’mere a second.”

  She was busy spouting useless nonsense, but at that moment all I could see was that she was probably bursting with MP.

  “What do you want? You think I have time to be messing around with you right now? I need to—Aaaaaahhhh?!”

  Aqua didn’t have so much as a moment to fight back against my Drain Touch ambush.

  “Hey, you hikiNEET! We have an emergency here! What do you think you’re—?!”

  “Yes, it’s an emergency! That’s why I did it! Shut up and listen for a second. I’m going to give your MP to Wiz, and she’s gonna plant an Explosion in Destroyer. It might just work!”

  “No way! You’re gonna share my MP with some undead? Yuck! Anyway, if you put too much of my holy magic power into Wiz, she’s bound to just go poof, disappear!”

  I spun toward Wiz. She was pale and nodding.

  “R-remember earlier? I only took a tiny bit of MP from Lady Aqua, and it made me feel terrible…”

  Kind of like food poisoning. I guess Aqua was telling the truth.

  Which left…

  “Looks like today’s your big break.”

  I slid Megumin off my shoulders.

  10

  “Y-you know what you’re doing, right? You won’t take too much, will you? Will you?!”

  “Yes, I know! What do you think this is, one of your dumb party-trick performances? Just trust me.”

  “That’s not what I meant!”

  Aqua was seated in front of me, legs tucked under her, so I could drain her MP at any time.

  Next to her, Megumin held her staff up toward Destroyer, standing so I could give her MP at any time.

  “Mr. Kazuma, a drain is most effective where the skin is thin,” Wiz explained with a serious look. “You can both absorb more and grant more in such places! Also, the heart is the source of MP, so draining from a spot near the heart is most efficient.”

  Where the skin is thin, huh?

  So that was why she touched my lip when she drained me.

  That wouldn’t work. It’d totally send the wrong message.

  …Hang on a second.

  “I am ready at any time! To set off two Explosion
s in a single day… Today is a great—Yeeeeek!”

  I placed my right hand on Megumin’s back and felt her muscles go stiff as she shouted.

  “What do you think you are doing?! Your hand is so cold; I thought I was going to have a heart attack! What is this? Sexual harassment? The world is ending, and you’re trying to cop a feel?!”

  “No, you idiot! Didn’t you hear Wiz? I’m not trying to cop anything; I’m looking for the most efficient drain! Thin skin, near the heart—the back, obviously! H-hey, geez! Aqua, stop fighting me! We’re trying to save the town here! Just be grateful I’m not using the front!”

  At my pronouncement, Aqua only doubled her efforts to keep my hand off her back.

  “Th-there’s no more time!”

  Wiz’s shout was almost a sob.

  We compromised: I used Aqua’s and Megumin’s necks.

  With that, I was able to take MP from Aqua and give it directly to Megumin.

  “This is something! Aqua’s MP is really something! I think I will be able to unleash my biggest Explosion ever with this!”

  “M-Megumin, do you still need more MP? I feel like you’ve taken an awful lot…”

  She was right; I’d already packed a bunch of MP into Megumin’s little body.

  Aqua may have been a pretty worthless goddess, but she was still a goddess: No matter how much MP I took from her, I didn’t sense her supply was running low.

  “A little more! I can handle a bit more… Oof! Maybe!”

  “What do you mean, maybe?! What happens if you get too much? Are you gonna burst?”

  No sooner had she issued that disturbing pronouncement than Megumin removed the patch from her left eye, raised her staff, and began to chant.

  The now-familiar sound of the Explosion incantation echoed around the plain, around the adventurers who all watched from a safe distance.

  “Let all other things be as they may! In Explosive magic alone—I shall—not—be—outdone! Here goes! My ultimate destructive magic!”

  Heat flew from the tip of Megumin’s staff into the great fissure in Destroyer, which seemed ready to go off, too.

  Red eyes glowing, our sore loser of an Arch-wizard shouted so loudly I thought she might pop, herself.

  “EXPLOSION!!”

  Epilogue

  Several days had passed since our climactic battle with Mobile Fortress Destroyer.

  And now, today…

  An unusual enthusiasm pervaded the Adventurers Guild.

  I doubt I have to explain why.

  Every eye was turned to the Guild employee in anticipation.

  “Kazuma. I know it’s been several days, but I wanted to thank you again. You came through and protected this town. Thank you…very much…! I do want to tell you sometime—about why I must protect Axel.”

  So saying, Darkness, dressed in civilian clothes today, gave a shy smile. The two of us were slightly apart from the other adventurers.

  I turned to her and said, “You looked pretty cool out there yourself.”

  She suddenly seemed to think back to how she had acted in the face of Destroyer, not giving a single inch. “W-was I, now?” she said.

  She looked away, her cheeks a faint red.

  I sized up the blushing Crusader and added pointedly, “Even though you never actually did anything.”

  “?!”

  Still not looking at me, Darkness quavered a little.

  “Come to think of it, Darkness didn’t do anything this time, did she? While I was working my butt off! I broke the magic barrier and healed Kazuma’s wounds! And I gave my MP to Megumin!”

  Aqua appeared out of nowhere, but her words didn’t seem especially mean-spirited.

  They made Darkness quaver again, though.

  “I, of course, was a key player, letting off two Explosions in one day! The second of which, might I add, eliminated Destroyer.”

  Thus said Megumin, also appearing out of nowhere and also without malice. Darkness quavered again.

  “And don’t forget, Mr. Kazuma, you were quite crucial yourself! You took command of the operation, and although there were some stumbles, in the end you defeated a large golem, pulled the Coronatite out of a steel cage, gave me your MP…!”

  Thus said Wiz, who had really appeared out of nowhere, her words totally devoid of any mean-spiritedness whatsoever. Darkness apparently couldn’t stand it anymore and covered her face with her hands.

  “Aww, come on! What about you, Wiz? You set off a terrific Explosion, you cooled my hand down, then you teleported the Coronatite before it could blow up… I think you’re pretty much the MVP here.”

  Darkness was now shaking visibly. I turned to her.

  “And, uh, what about you, Miss I-will-protect-this-town? Remind us what you did.”

  “Wh-what is…? What is this feeling?! Arrrgh!”

  I had just about sated myself on teasing Darkness, who was now slumped on the ground, covering her face and blushing furiously, when—

  The Guild Hall suddenly fell silent.

  When I looked up, I could see why.

  A Guild employee was standing there with a surprisingly dark expression, along with a woman with black hair, flanked by two Knights.

  I got it. Destroyer wasn’t some Demon King’s general. It had terrorized towns and nations all around this world.

  Naturally, the reward wouldn’t be handled by our local Guild but by knights representing the entire country.

  Heck, maybe they’d come to scout us, to see if we wanted to become knights.

  As all of us watched with bated breath, the woman looked straight at me. Her gaze was heavy; there was a zealous spark in her eye.

  If I had to compare it to something, it would be…

  Someone staring down their parents’ killer.

  “Adventurer Kazuma Satou! You are suspected of sedition. I will need you to come with me.”

  FIN.

  Afterword

  I’m thrilled to see Volume 2 in print.

  When I was first invited to publish Volume 1, I thought maybe I was on candid camera or something. But I’m slowly starting to think this is actually real.

  But you can never be too sure, so I’ll be keeping my guard up.

  I took a trip to Tokyo the other day.

  I did once live in the city long ago, but now I typically live a hermit’s existence in the country, and going to crowded places makes me panicky.

  When I got to Tokyo Station, the sheer press of people made me strongly consider going right back home with my tail between my legs.

  I didn’t go to the city just to “get away from it all.” I really had a real reason, and that reason was a meeting.

  But I got to Tokyo a little early, so I combed through Akihabara, the otaku mecca.

  My plan had been to check out some bookstores, and when they didn’t have copies of my book, to exclaim loudly, “Whaaat?! You don’t carry Konosuba? Really?!”

  But all the places I went to turned out to be superior booksellers, by which I mean they stocked my novel.

  Thank you! Thank you!

  After that, I wandered around near the Kadokawa building, wondering if I would get past security in the clothes I was wearing, but in the end I successfully had my meeting.

  After that, my lovely editor treated me to an expensive meal, and I got to enjoy the city.

  The next day, a typhoon hit Tokyo head-on.

  Trains were stopped everywhere. I realized this was clearly a message from Heaven telling me not to hurry home and work but rather to take a little break before I went back. So I braved the winds and checked out the local sights.

  I had fun wandering around, but I got lost more than once, and each time I imagined the scenario would work itself out thusly: Never find my way home Buy a tent Live here the rest of my life.

  Where I live, you’re less likely to wait for a red light than you are for a wild pig to cross the street—and despite its inconveniences, I think I am definitely more suited to country life.


  Now then, about the book.

  At the moment, Sneaker Bunko’s website is serializing a Megumin-centered spin-off series called God’s Blessings on This Wonderful Explosion! so please feel free to check it out. I strongly encourage you, as it includes new illustrations by Mr. Kurone Mishima.

  It’s set before Megumin met Kazuma and the others, so her hair is shorter, she lacks her trademark eye patch, and so on. The story deals with that mysterious—you know, thing on Megumin’s shoulder in the illustrations, so I recommend it to those who are curious about that.

  In keeping with tradition, I leaned on a lot of people to make Volume 2 happen.

  For me personally, the hardest thing to do is come up with the titles for each chapter. In fact, my editor, K, dreams up the subtitle for each volume.

  Coming up with titles and character names is probably the thing that takes me the most time while writing. I just don’t have the knack for it, and I’m sure I’ll continue to need my editor’s help with titles in the future—so I apologize in advance.

  Actually, my afterwords are pretty much just litanies of apologies.

  But, thanks to all that help, Volume 2 made it safely out the door.

  Thank you all so very much!

  In fact, the web version of the story wrapped up just the other day.

  To those who have read the web version: That was kind of a warm-up. The book is the real deal, and starting with Volume 3, I hope to include plenty of new material.

  I promise it’ll be even better than the web version, so I hope you’ll keep reading!

  Look, I may be a bit flighty, but I wouldn’t lie about my own work…would I…?

  Last but not least, I’d like to thank everyone involved in the creation of this book—and especially you, my readers.

  —You have my unyielding gratitude!

  —Natsume Akatsuki