by Leigh Bale
“Or more.” Glancing in his rearview mirror, he inserted the key and started the ignition. “Let’s not let that subject spoil our day.”
“You’re right. Tell you what. Other than showing me Whisper Creek, let’s not discuss work at all. Deal?” She held out her hand.
“Deal.” He clasped her fingers, her warm skin soft and fragile against the calloused roughness of his palm. As he headed out of town, his heart beat madly in his chest, a myriad of emotions tugging at his mind. Today, he’d tell her he loved her.
“Do both of these kayaks belong to you?” She jerked her head toward the back of the truck where he’d securely tied the boats.
“Just the blue one. I rented the red one for you. It’s a bit shorter than mine, to better match your height.” He’d chosen her kayak carefully, a design that would handle narrow rivers and drops.
“Thanks.”
They chatted and ate the cinnamon rolls, the thick frosting sweet against his tongue. The highway ran parallel to Bingham River, but Tanner soon exited and took a turn. The asphalt ended abruptly and he slowed down as they traveled along the dirt road leading up to Whisper Creek high in the Bingham Mountains.
“Where will we put into the stream?” she asked, gazing out the window as the beautiful landscape of rushing river and willows flashed past.
“At the headwaters of Rock Creek. From there, we’ll float down to Whisper Creek and then to the confluence at Bingham River. The entire course is only about five miles long.”
“What class is it again?”
He understood her question. A class three allowed for some easier routes for kayakers to follow in the water, but a class four got tougher. If a person flipped over and had to swim, it wasn’t fun and there was a greater chance of getting hurt.
“It’s a two, except midway where we’ll pass some steep drops and it becomes a three. But don’t worry. The white water doesn’t last long and I’ll be there to help you through it.”
She laughed, the sound high and sweet. “Don’t worry about me, buddy. I’m a bit out of practice, but I’ve run class-five rivers before and held my own. I think I can keep up.”
He flashed a grin, enjoying her competitive spirit. She wasn’t afraid to try new things and she wasn’t a wimpy girl. The fact that she enjoyed the outdoors made her even more appealing. “I expected nothing less from you.”
Almost two hours later, Ron Parker, one of Tanner’s fishery biologists, met them at the guard station used occasionally by fire, trail and road crews. Since Ron was working on the mountain anyway, he’d agreed to drive them up to their entry point into Rock Creek. Then they’d kayak down to the confluence at Whisper Creek. At their exit spot, they’d be right at Tanner’s truck rather than having to hike miles back up with their heavy kayaks in tow.
“Thanks for the ride,” Zoë said when Ron dropped them off.
The man grinned, his ears reddening. “You’re welcome. Just don’t get lost out here in the wilds all alone.”
“We won’t change our route. If we don’t make it home on time, you know where we’ll be,” Tanner said.
“Yep, I do.” Once they assured him they had everything they needed, Ron left them with a wave of his hand.
Getting lost was the last fear on Tanner’s mind. He knew these mountains like he knew Zoë’s delicate face. But he’d never go off kayaking alone without others knowing where he’d be. It just wasn’t safe. Anything could happen. The creeks and rivers were constantly changing. Last year, this had been an easy kayaking course. But heavy rains were known to dislodge big trees and boulders. Above all else, Tanner would keep Zoë safe. Nothing else mattered. Nothing was going to ruin this special day with her.
* * *
Zoë couldn’t deny a sense of excitement as they unloaded and sorted their gear. It’d been so long since she’d gotten outdoors like this for a bit of fun, and she planned to enjoy it. But Tanner’s kiss had caught her off guard. She hadn’t expected it and wasn’t quite sure what it meant. She’d be a fool not to be aware of the electric attraction between them. It seemed sparks ignited inside her every time she saw him. She loved and admired Tanner, but she saw no way for them to be more than friends.
And that was that.
She did her share of work, hustling to help pack their boats. Tanner showed her a hand-size emergency distress locator beacon called an EPIRB. When activated, a satellite could determine its position and relay that info to a search-and-rescue team.
As an afterthought, she tied a simple rope and throw bag to her own boat before coiling it inside where her feet would go. Down by the water, she quickly took some samples and labeled the glass vials. Then she removed her baseball cap and clipped her helmet beneath her chin. She breathed deeply of the damp, loamy soil. Tall aspens and lodgepole pine sat back from the creek, their leaves rustling overhead as the summer breeze whistled by. “I sure love it here.”
“You don’t miss Portland?” A tinge of hope threaded through his voice.
She tensed, thinking of the life waiting for her back home. She was going to miss the people here in Steelhead, especially Tanner. The thought of leaving him filled her with a kind of emptiness, but she had no choice. Nothing had come of her job search. “Yes, I miss it, but I love it here, too.”
Tanner clipped on his own helmet and secured his life vest. “If you think this is pretty, just wait until you see where we’re stopping for lunch. I figured we’d split the trip up and stop to eat about midway.”
“Sounds good. I can’t wait.” And she meant it.
Pulling on her drytop shirt, Zoë fought her way through the tight latex gaskets, which would seal water out and help keep her dry and warm in the cold water. Tanner helped her, his touch soft and warm against her arm. Zipping up her PFD life vest, she watched to make sure he did the same. Though it’d been years since she’d been kayaking with her husband, her old habits came back with ease. Kayaking meant you watched each other’s backs. Out here, she and Tanner had only each other to rely on.
While Tanner sat on a rock and exchanged his boots for a pair of water socks, she admired his long legs. Like her, he wore knee-length shorts, his muscular calves dusted with dark hair. As he pulled on his shoes, she doubted he had any idea how attractive she found him.
She looked away, focusing on her own gear. Though she wished things could be different, they would soon travel diverse paths and it’d do no good to torture herself by wanting to be here with him.
“Let’s run through our hand signals, just to make sure we’re on the same page,” Tanner suggested.
Zoë concurred. Once they were in the water, they wouldn’t always be able to hear well, but they could see signals. They quickly went through the list of stop, slow down, come ahead and other signs. Then they entered the water.
Tanner went first, sliding down into his kayak. As he quickly paddled out into the shallow creek to wait for Zoë, his boat thumped against the rocks. She slipped into her boat and hooked her legs under the thigh braces. After securing the neoprene spray skirt over the cockpit, she used her pole to push her boat out into the narrow stream.
Looking ahead, she saw Tanner pat the top of his helmet to indicate he was okay and ready to go. She responded in kind and he moved forward.
The crystal clear water poured over stones polished smooth by time. Zoë joined the flow, concentrating on her task. Her boat scraped over rocks and she hit the riverbed with each stroke of her paddle, but the rush of the water pushed her onward. She was glad when the creek widened out and the water depth increased a bit.
For thirty minutes, Zoë worked her arms and hips to keep herself upright, using muscles she’d long forgotten she ever had. Her boat bounced through the frothing water. Though she’d once been an experienced kayaker, she realized she was out of practice. But she was fast remembering.
Even w
ith the swift flow of the current, she couldn’t keep up with Tanner. He soon noticed her lagging behind and pulled back, waiting patiently for her. Smiling when she drew near. Never once indicating that she was a burden to him. His consideration caused her heart to give a little jerk. Like Tanner, for so long, she’d relied on no one but herself. It felt good to have him in her life, even if they did have to say goodbye soon.
Down below, the confluence changed and they entered Whisper Creek. Shortly afterward, the water calmed and deepened into a pool the color of root beer. That meant the current below was churning up a lot of sediment. Zoë took a cleansing breath before resting her paddle across her spray skirt. She gazed at the pristine wilderness before taking a quick drink from the water bottle stored in the front of her life vest.
“Are you glad you came?” Tanner asked with a knowing smile.
“Oh, yes. You can’t see this view from the roadway. You have to get out of the car and work to find scenery like this.”
He nodded, paddling through the deep water with powerful strokes. His boat surged across the flat surface like a soft caress. For several moments, Zoë admired his strength and skill before returning her attention to her own kayak.
After paddling for a couple of hours, her stomach grumbled and she glanced at her waterproof watch. Almost one o’clock. How had the time whizzed by so fast?
Always conscious of her needs, Tanner lifted his arm and gave her the signal to pull up.
As they exited Whisper Creek, Tanner gave her a broad smile of respect. “You weren’t kidding, were you? You really can kayak.”
A laugh broke from her throat. “So can you. We’ll have to do this again sometime.”
She bit her tongue, wishing she hadn’t said that. For a short time, she’d forgotten that soon they wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.
He tugged his boat up onto the banks, then came back to help her do the same. “I feared you might not be as good at kayaking as you said and I’d have to pull you out of the water. I didn’t want to hike back to my truck on foot.”
As she removed her helmet, she frowned. “You mean, you thought I’d lied?”
“No, of course not. But some people exaggerate their skills. I should have known you wouldn’t. You don’t need coddling. You’re very independent. I’m amazed every time I’m with you.”
His admission warmed her heart. But sometimes she wished she wasn’t so self-reliant. Sometimes she longed for someone else to depend on. “I feel the same about you.”
Perhaps she’d divulged too much. She wasn’t prepared for what happened next. He released the handle and let her boat fall back to the ground as he stepped near. Cupping her face with his palm, he leaned in and kissed her softly.
“Thanks for coming up here with me,” he whispered against her lips. “I’m having the best time of my life.”
She pulled back and took a deep inhale before releasing it. “I’ve never been anyone’s best time before.”
He quirked one brow. “What about your husband?”
She hesitated. “Derek was wonderful and I loved him, but...he wasn’t you.”
He flashed that endearing smile of his. “Thank you. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
And that’s when the crushing despair filled her heart. He’d kissed her twice now. Without intending it, their relationship had ratcheted up several notches. But she cared too much about him to lead him on. “Tanner, I have to go home to Portland soon. That’s where my job is. You know I can’t stay, right?”
He gazed into her eyes. “Why not?”
“I don’t have a job here. In Portland, I have a pension plan and health insurance. I have a little boy to think about. I have to go back.”
He stepped away and slipped his hands into the pockets of his pants, a sure sign that he was disturbed. He gazed at her, his face devoid of expression. But in his eyes, she saw deep, wrenching pain.
“You can stay,” he said. “With your talents, we could find you a good job here in Steelhead. I don’t want you to leave.”
How she wished it would be that easy to find work. But Steelhead was a small town and not a lot of decent jobs were available. Being with Tanner made her think of new beginnings. Being in love. Being a couple again. But she couldn’t abandon her career. She’d worked so hard to get where she was today. She couldn’t give that up. Not without another job in the wings. She needed her livelihood. She had to think about Jonah. The only thing that would make this situation worse was if he told her he loved her.
The way she loved him.
“Tanner, I’m sorry, but I can’t stay.”
Chapter Fifteen
Tanner stepped away from Zoë, his body trembling. He couldn’t wrap his mind around her words. He couldn’t make sense of it all. If only he’d heard some news about the transfer to Portland he’d applied for. But nothing had come of it. Not one word. Which wasn’t a good sign. Without a job, he couldn’t support a family. And yet, he couldn’t lose Zoë, either. “I’m in love with you. I didn’t plan for it to happen, but it did. I don’t want you to leave.”
There, he’d said it. All of it. Now he waited to see her reaction.
Tears shimmered in her eyes and she shook her head. “Oh, Tanner. I was afraid this would happen. You’re so wonderful and easy to love. But we have no future together.”
“That’s up to us.”
“No, I have to go back to Portland. It’s my home.”
A sick feeling settled in his stomach. “I know we can find you a job here.”
She snorted. “I’ve already tried. There’s nothing available in this harsh economy.”
“Please, Zoë, won’t you give staying a chance—for me? You know I love Jonah. I’ll make him a good father. If you’ll give us a chance to see where this relationship could go, I’d spend the rest of my life making you happy.”
She blinked and released a shuddering breath. “I can’t do that, Tanner. I love my job. You have your work here, and mine is in Oregon. Long-distance wouldn’t work between us, either.”
No, it wouldn’t. “Then, I’ll come to Portland. I can get another job there.”
He hoped.
She stared at him, her eyes widening. “You’d do that for me?”
Leaving the mountain range he loved and living in a large city like Portland didn’t appeal to him, but he’d do it to be with the woman he adored. “Yes, I would.”
And he meant it. He’d been alone all his life. The job here no longer meant everything to him when faced with the possibility of losing Zoë and Jonah.
She clenched her eyes shut, as if absorbing the impact of his words. “I can’t make you do that.”
He took a step toward her, wrapping his hands gently around her upper arms. “Why not? Being with you is more important to me than any job.”
“It wouldn’t be fair. At first, we’d be okay. But what if you weren’t happy in another job? After a time, you’d come to resent me for it. Then where would we be?”
He gave a careless laugh. “That wouldn’t happen. I’d be with you and Jonah. I can be happy in any job. All you have to say is that you love me, and I’ll go anywhere for you.”
She opened her mouth as though she wanted to say the words, but then pursed her lips, her face tight with unshed tears. “No, Tanner. I’d feel horrible doing that. It won’t work.”
“We can make it work, sweetheart. Tell me you love me. That’s all I need to hear.”
“No.” She held up a hand, stopping his advance.
He stood there, longing to take her into his arms and hold her tight.
“So where does that leave us?” he asked.
Her face went pale. “We’ll always be good friends.”
Friends!
“Is that enough for you?�
�� he asked, unable to hide his incredulity.
“It’ll have to be. It’s all we can have.” Her voice wobbled as she took a deep breath. Then she turned her back on him, busying herself by tying off her boat. “What’s the elevation here?”
The elevation? How could she think about elevation when he was dying inside?
Without waiting for his reply, she searched her boat for a waterproof pack with their lunches inside. He stood there staring at her. Aching with loss.
And just like that, she brushed his love aside.
He coughed to clear the lump in his throat, his mind swimming with a barrage of emotion that bludgeoned his heart. This couldn’t be it. There had to be more. He didn’t know what to think or feel. He felt numb and empty. “The...the elevation at the summit is almost 7,600 feet.”
She shivered, her thick voice the only indication that she was still distressed. “Brr. No wonder the water is so cold here. It’s filled with snowmelt.”
Tanner looked away as she dragged out her sample kit, then dipped her vials into the water and the nutrient-rich mud. She searched the water, looking for fish. He didn’t move when she pointed out several. He didn’t care anymore. Not when his whole world was caving in.
Trying to calm his nerves, Tanner laid out their picnic, wishing he’d never confided his true feelings to Zoë. He hadn’t handled this right. He should have waited until tonight, as he’d planned. But would it have mattered? Her answer would have been the same.
She didn’t want him.
The realization battered his brain. He’d taken a leap of faith and been hurt again. And yet, he didn’t blame God this time. Nor did he believe the Lord had abandoned him. God was still there, filling Tanner’s heart with peace. Zoë’s rejection wasn’t easy to accept, but he knew everything would be okay. He just didn’t understand how.
Once Zoë had finished her work, they sat across from each other, both of them picking at their meat-and-cheese sandwiches.
“I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought,” Zoë said.