by Leigh Bale
“Me, either.” He dropped his half-eaten brownie onto its plastic wrapper and stood up. He had nothing else to say.
She took a swallow of apple juice, then wrapped her arms around herself and coiled her legs beneath her. Watching her shiver brought out the compassion in him. Whether she wanted him or not, he still loved her. He’d always love her.
Without a word, he removed his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. She nodded her thanks, snuggling deep into the warm folds of fabric. Seeing her wrapped up inside his coat made his heart ache. But more than anything, he wanted her to be happy.
To take his mind off this rotten turn of events, he cleaned up their camp and stowed their gear back inside their boats. As he stepped over to his kayak, Zoë rested her hand on his arm and he paused.
“Tanner, please don’t be angry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?”
Searching his heart, he felt no anger. No bitterness. How could he resent her when he loved her so much? If only it didn’t hurt so bad.
He reached out and brushed his fingertips against her warm cheek. “Of course. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”
As he stepped past her and slid into his kayak, he hoped he was right. Without another word, he used his paddle to push away and float out into the stream. While he waited for her to join him, the hollow loneliness invaded his mind like an old, comfortable friend.
* * *
Zoë regretted how this day had turned out. She’d never forget Tanner’s stony look when she’d told him she couldn’t stay. But if she’d given their love a chance, how could that ever have worked for them? Two people so set in their careers, with jobs in different states.
It must have been difficult for Tanner to take a second chance on romance. Maybe she shouldn’t put her career before love. But she’d learned the hard way that a good job meant food on the table, a roof over her head and security. She couldn’t give all that up, for Jonah’s sake and her own. Neither could she ask Tanner to abandon his work and follow her to Portland. It wouldn’t be fair. He loved her now, but over time, that could change. At least here in Steelhead, he had his job. He’d be busy and forget about her soon enough. She couldn’t ask any more.
Because she loved him.
Back on the water, she welcomed the chilly breeze that cooled her flushed face. The river deepened, the push of the current much stronger now. As Zoë dipped her paddle into the water, it no longer hit bottom. The roar of the water swelled and filled her ears. The transparent riffle gave way to churning white water.
Zoë kept up, watching as Tanner pointed to the left or right to indicate a less hazardous path she should take. She never hesitated to follow his direction, trusting him completely.
If she trusted Tanner the way she trusted the Lord, why couldn’t she have more faith in their love? Surely she and Tanner could figure out a way to be together. She racked her brain but found no answers. In order to be together, one of them would have to move. Which would require a giant leap of faith. And that forced Zoë to look deep inside her soul and ask herself if she loved Tanner enough to give up the career she loved. For all her talk about trusting the Lord, her faith had lapsed. Tanner seemed like the strong one now. But she didn’t know if his confidence was enough for her.
Instead, she focused on her paddling. She couldn’t think about this now. She needed time alone to contemplate what was really important to her. Above all, she wanted no regrets.
Tanner lifted his arm, giving her the signal to pull up and wait. Jagged rocks jutted outward like porcupine spines. An enormous granite boulder blocked their way, creating a swirling vortex in their path. She immediately thrust her paddle into the water and surged forward into a small eddy beside a sharp outcropping of rock.
Tanner circled the whirlpool, casting glances over his shoulder, as if to assure himself that she was okay. And in the process of looking out for her, he jeopardized his own safety.
Zoë watched helplessly as he thrust his paddle to the left, struggling to evade the boulder. He tried to straighten on the right, but his boat jerked back. Water pummeled his spray skirt, forcing his head down so his helmet banged against the boat. His kayak spun around, his face beneath the foaming water. The sickening sound of his helmet striking the rock again filled her ears. And then she saw his helmet floating away, bouncing along on the current as though it hadn’t a care in the world. A rivet on his chin strap must have broken. His paddle followed suit, racing beyond reach.
She bit back a scream. “Tanner!”
He hung limp within his boat as it spun around, suspended within the whirlpool. A swell of white water rushed over his prow, striking him in the face.
“Tanner! Can you swim?” she yelled, hoping he could hear her.
She patted her helmet over and over again, to see if he’d respond and indicate he was okay, but she knew it was futile. He didn’t need to show any hand signals to tell her he was in trouble.
Please, God! Help us.
She whispered the prayer in her heart as Tanner sat up groggily, weaving back and forth like a rag doll. She couldn’t understand why his kayak didn’t roll and drown him. The powers of physics defied any reasoning. By all accounts, he should be upside down in the water.
A stream of crimson poured over his forehead and down his right temple. He was wounded! Thank Heaven his boat wasn’t going anywhere. It seemed stuck tight against the churning blur of the whirlpool.
Using her paddle like a spear, Zoë thrust it deep into the river bottom to serve as an anchor. It’d do no good to speak and try to tell Tanner what she planned. Neither of them could hear above the crashing waves. But he was watching her, his amber eyes hooded and blinking, as though he was fighting to stay awake. Yet he couldn’t move. Couldn’t do anything to help himself.
Undoubtedly, he had a head injury. Just how bad, she wasn’t sure. She had to get him to safety before he passed out and drowned.
She reached forward and popped off the spray skirt of her boat, then jerked up the length of rope she’d had the foresight to include at the beginning of their trip. She tossed him the line, amazed when he caught the throw bag and had the presence of mind to twist the rope around his wrist for a firm hold.
Zoë hooked one of her arms around her paddle to hold herself in place. With a gargantuan effort, she pulled on the line—not an easy feat with one hand. Tanner held on tight to the rope. Hand over hand, she fought to reel him in. Her arms burned like liquid fire. As his kayak inched toward the eddy, her entire body shook from her exertions. She breathed in hard, her lungs aching.
His kayak finally slid into the eddy next to her. The two fiberglass boats thumped against each other, her kayak jerking back. The heavy current drummed against her prow, but she held there, poised along the eddy line.
“Are you okay?” She reached for him, holding on to his arm.
He slumped over, his strength finally spent. He almost capsized his boat. She grabbed and pulled hard to keep him upright. If he rolled in this condition, he’d drown. She wouldn’t be able to save him.
“Come on! Stay with me,” she demanded, yelling loudly.
“Zoë, you okay...?” He blinked, his eyes glassy and dazed. His arms hung limp. He was barely holding on.
“Yes, I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about.”
He didn’t seem to hear. He kept repeating the same question over and over again. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t acting right. As though his fear for her was the only thing keeping him conscious.
It took a good fifteen minutes of precious time for her to keep him upright while moving her kayak into a position so she could safely exit her boat.
She tugged on Tanner, pulling him free of his kayak. He wasn’t totally deadweight, but almost. If he’d been completely unconscious, she wouldn’t have been able to get him to shore. At her urgin
g, he leveraged his legs, helping lift himself out of the boat.
She let him rest where he fell on the shore, moving sticks and rocks away from digging into his back. Within minutes, she had him wrapped in every single towel and piece of warm clothing she could find inside their boats. Gazing at the dusky sky, she figured they were no more than two miles away from his truck. It might just as well have been a thousand miles. Though it’d be a long, difficult hike through raw wilderness, she could do it, but Tanner couldn’t. Fearing he might die, she wouldn’t leave him alone. She didn’t dare. Hopefully, a rescue team would find them before long.
Instead, she offered first aid the only way she knew how. Applying light pressure to the deep gash along the edge of his hairline, she elevated his head slightly and kept him quiet and still. Then she turned on the EPIRB tracking system.
She was supposed to pick up Jonah from the Milans’ by six o’clock that evening. Zoë figured Debbie would wait another two hours after that to make sure Zoë wasn’t just running late before she called Ron Parker. Ron knew where they were and would call out a rescue team. If Ron followed the creek, it’d be easy enough to find them. But Zoë and Tanner would have to wait until someone missed them first. And that could take quite a few hours.
Tanner might die!
A blaze of terror tore through her and she rubbed her hands over his arms to warm him. Memories of holding Derek after his skiing accident flooded her mind. The blood streaming from his head. His ashen face and hooded eyes. And then his lifeless body as she waited for someone to come help them.
Dear Lord, help us. I can’t go through this again!
She shook with reaction, struggling not to give in to her fear. Trying to hold herself together. Tanner needed her now. She mustn’t panic.
“Don’t go to sleep. Please, don’t go to sleep,” she begged him when he closed his eyes for the umpteenth time.
“Sorry...this...happened...”
“There’s no need to apologize. Just stay awake.”
“So...tired...”
“I know, but you’ve got to stay awake. You’ll scare me to death if you fall asleep now.”
“Don’t...mean...to...scare...you...” His speech sounded awkward and slurred.
Just like Derek.
She kept Tanner talking. Kept him thinking, even as she kept him calm. She asked about his childhood and college life, even making him tell her details about his grandparents. Once the wound on his head stopped bleeding, she elevated his feet to prevent him from going into shock.
For three hours, she stayed with him, brushing her fingers against the stubble on his cheek, over and over again, to assure him she wouldn’t leave him. Ensuring he was peaceful and warm. Reassuring herself that he hadn’t died.
By nightfall, even the summer sunlight couldn’t keep them from freezing in these mountains, and she was forced to build a fire. Relying on the survival skills she’d learned over the years, she quickly gathered stones to create a ring and then piled up dried sticks and kindling. The disposable lighter she kept in her supplies for just such an emergency made quick work of the chore and she soon had a cheery campfire to keep them warm.
“Thank you,” Tanner murmured, his shadowed gaze following her with a bit more lucidity.
She shuddered with relief. He hadn’t died and seemed to be more alert now. “You’re welcome.”
She loved him. She couldn’t deny it. Her feelings swamped her with emotion so powerful she had to blink. Her love for this man had been growing all summer long. She’d spent so much time working with him, but she’d tried to take it slow. With a child to think about, she wanted something permanent and lasting in her life. She’d settle for nothing less.
She loved him and might lose him.
“You just stay with me, okay?” She tried to smile, to reassure him.
“Forever,” he vowed.
The word sank deep into her heart. She needed this man. Needed his love. But right now, she could only think about saving his life.
He returned her smile and she thought he was doing better. Speaking more clearly. Moving his hands and legs more frequently. But she still didn’t let down her guard. If he were hemorrhaging inside, Tanner could still die. And so she used the only weapon she had to fight her fears and doubts. She exercised her faith and prayed.
Chapter Sixteen
Tanner blinked his eyes open. A spear of pain pierced his head. He focused on the window where sunlight streamed past the white plastic blinds. His arms and legs felt heavy. Lethargic. As if they weighed a million tons. He fought off the groggy exhaustion, trying to remember where he was. Trying to remember what had happened—
“Zoë!” On the river. The whirlpool. Danger.
He tried to sit up, but something pressed him back.
“Shh, just lie still, now.”
He gazed up at a nurse with cheery cheeks and a calming smile. She pressed her hand against his shoulder and he lay back in the hospital bed. The name badge pinned to her white smock read Sharon.
“Where...?” he swallowed against his dry throat and tried again. “Where am I?”
A bleep sounded and he stared at a variety of blinking monitors nearby. An IV tube had tangled around his hand. He pulled against the weight, a blaze of panic rushing through him.
“Hold still, now. I’ll take care of that for you.” Sharon steadied his arm and quickly disentangled the contraption. While she smoothed her fingers across the tape holding the needle in his arm, he fought off the urge to bolt from the bed.
“Where am I?” he asked again.
“Steelhead Memorial Hospital. You got quite a bump on the head.” She adjusted the IV drip before leaning close and flashing a beam of light into his eyes.
He blinked.
“Where’s Zoë?” His voice sounded like rough sandpaper rasping against wood.
Sharon stood back and jotted some notes on a clipboard. “You mean the woman who was with you on the river?”
He nodded, the movement making his head spin. A bout of nausea forced him to shut his eyes for several moments. He lifted his free hand, his fingertips pressing against a bandage wrapped around his forehead.
“She went home to get some rest,” Sharon said.
“She...she’s okay, then?”
The nurse adjusted his pillows. “She was just fine last time I saw her an hour ago. She wouldn’t leave your side all night, until she knew you were gonna be okay. I finally convinced her to go home and get some sleep.”
Zoë had been here with him. She was okay.
He relaxed, coughing to clear his rusty voice. “What happened to me?”
“You conked your head on a big rock. Do you recall any of it?”
He closed his eyes, the roar of the river filling his memory along with grinding fear that Zoë might get caught in the whirlpool, her kayak would flip over and she’d drown. He’d been filled with clenching terror. And he’d prayed, for the first time in two years. Asking God to help them. To keep them safe. In the process of watching out for Zoë, he’d grown careless with his own boat and had ended up being knocked out cold. “Yes, I remember. We were kayaking.”
“That’s right. And lucky for you, your friend pulled you from the water and stayed with you until the rescue team arrived. From what I’ve heard, it was a long night for everyone, but she saved your life.”
He vaguely remembered the freezing cold. The confusion. The helplessness. And Zoë leaning over him, her blue eyes creased with worry as she tucked towels and jackets around him. Her gentle touch as she’d caressed his face, insisting he stay awake and talk to her. What he’d said to her, he had no idea. But he remembered the warmth of her soft hands against his icy cheeks and the soothing reassurance of her voice.
She’d saved his life. He owed everything to her. If only she
could love him the way that he loved her.
“I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake.” Sharon headed for the door, leaving him alone for several minutes.
So much for him being the big, strong male. Zoë had pulled him from the river and kept him alive. If not for her quick thinking, he would have died. He could barely wait to speak with her. To find out what had happened and how long it’d taken the rescue team to find them.
He could hardly believe what Zoë had done. Hardly grasp her inner willpower and determination to succeed. Strong, yet gentle. Resolute and courageous.
This wasn’t the first time she’d had to be strong. After her husband died, she’d made her own way in the world. She’d built a life for herself and a stable home for Jonah. She didn’t need Tanner or any man. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting to give that life up on the chance that they could make their fledgling relationship last.
Life was hard and full of uncertainties. There were no guarantees they’d never be disappointed or hurt. No guarantees they’d always be happy.
Tanner knew only one thing. He loved her and it didn’t matter. He’d lost her anyway.
* * *
She shouldn’t have come here. Zoë stood before the door of Tanner’s hospital room, her pulse hammering against her temples. After what had happened on the river, she couldn’t stop thinking about how she’d almost lost him. In spite of her inner resolve, she’d been shaken up pretty badly.
Her love for Tanner had brought her here. She had to know that he was really okay. That he’d make a full recovery.
She rapped her knuckles against the door, then peeked inside. Tanner was sitting up in bed. He turned to look at her, a smile widening across his face when he saw her.
“Zoë!”
She returned his smile, walking to his side, feeling cautious and withdrawn. “Hi, Tanner. You’re looking more chipper than the last time I saw you earlier this morning. You doing okay?”
She longed to give him a hug, but fought off the urge.
“I can’t tell you how grateful I am for what you did for me.” His voice sounded thick with emotion.