Put Me Back Together

by Lola Rooney

  Real smooth, Archer.

  Liking this answer, Lucas eased himself higher until his face was level with mine, but I couldn’t let myself be distracted. I clamped my eyes shut and said, “But why would you want to be with me when you could have any girl you wanted?” I cringed inwardly. This was so humiliating. “You need to make it make sense. Because it doesn’t make sense to me.”

  Lucas paused before answering. I sensed that something I’d said was bothering him, but he didn’t want to say what.

  “I want to be with you instead of all the other girls because you’re not like all the other girls,” he said.

  Thanks. Way to be vague.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “I’m way less outgoing, way less adventurous, way less—”

  “If you say beautiful, we’re going to have words, Archer,” Lucas warned.

  “Fine,” I said uncomfortably, squirming a little under his body. “So what do you mean, then? How am I different?”

  He thought about this for a minute, letting his eyes roam over me. “You don’t expect anything of me,” he answered finally. “And you don’t play games. You’re just you, and when I’m with you, I guess I feel like I can just be me.”

  It was a nice thing to say, and flattering, but something still clenched inside me at his words. He thought I was just being myself when I was with him, that I wasn’t playing any games, wearing any masks. But my whole life was a mask. The girl he thought he knew wasn’t me at all. I was glad the Lucas I knew was the real him, that he felt he could be himself with me, but what would he do when he saw the real Katie Archer? Would he still call her Hero? Would he still want to kiss her?

  And even if he did, who would he become with her?

  What would happen to the grinning, playful Lucas? What would I make him into?

  Lowering my eyes, I rolled out from under him and lay on my side with my back to him. Gradually I felt him cuddle up behind me, curling his arm around me so my back was pressed into his front.

  “Don’t push me away, Katie,” he whispered. “I want to be with you, only you. I haven’t been with any other girls since last semester.”

  “Really?” I said, surprised by how desperately I wanted to believe him. He found my hand and laced my fingers with his.

  “When exactly do you think I’ve had the time to chase after other girls? All I do is go to class and work and hang out with you!”

  “I don’t know, in class? At work?”

  “I’m not as good at multitasking as you might think,” he said, and I snickered.

  Hugging me closer to him, he pressed his face into my hair and breathed deeply, just as I breathed him in whenever I saw him. It felt strange to be on the other end of it, like we’d suddenly switched lives. I wondered what life as Lucas Matthews would be like. As I thought about certain body parts that I’d definitely like to get a better look at, I was glad my back was turned, because I was suddenly blushing furiously.

  “I want to take you out on a date,” Lucas announced, and I half-spun around, a protest ready on my lips. He pressed a finger against them before I could speak. “If I don’t take you out properly, how will you ever believe that I’m serious about you?”

  “I believe you, Lucas,” I said lamely. “I’m just not sure…”

  I’m not sure I won’t break you into pieces. I’m not sure I deserve you. I’m not sure I won’t ruin your life forever.

  “Katie,” Lucas said, pulling at my arm until I turned to face him again, “there’s nothing you could ever tell me that would make me stop wanting you.”

  My eyes rose to his as he said this. How did he know that was what I’d been thinking? And how could I tell him that it wasn’t only that I was afraid he would stop wanting me? I was afraid that eventually, when I was done with him, I wouldn’t want him, either.

  “What if you’re wrong?” I said sadly.

  “I’m not,” he replied simply. “Want me to show you how I know?”

  He pushed his face forward, letting his lips come dangerously close to mine. He hadn’t kissed me yet tonight and my body had clearly been yearning for it, because it was as though he’d flipped a switch. Every nerve ending in me flared to life as I felt his bottom lip pressing against mine and I leaned forward to meet him. Then there was a loud knocking on the door and we both froze in place.

  “Oh no, it’s Mom!” Lucas whispered. I let out a combination of a laugh and a groan as inwardly I cursed Mariella’s punctuality. Lucas gave me a quick and thoroughly unsatisfying peck on the lips before he launched himself off the bed and helped me up, too.

  Looking back at the wrinkled sheets on the mattress, I realized we’d been lying right next to the pile of junk from my purse. Lucas reached forward and pulled his envelope out of the pile. “Didn’t you open this yet?” he asked.

  “I didn’t have the chance,” I admitted, my curiosity piqued now. I tried to grab it out of his hands, but he held it out of my reach.

  Mariella knocked on the door again.

  “Better not keep Mom waiting,” Lucas warned, and we both went down the hall to answer the door.

  Mariella was all smiles and thanks as we gathered Ethan’s toys and she carried him back to her apartment. Before she closed her door she gave me a big-eyed look that told me I’d better spill tomorrow, and I shrugged my shoulders at her like I had no idea what she meant.

  When I came back to my own apartment, Lucas was clearing the dirty dishes off the coffee table, which was basically the hottest thing I’d ever seen a man do with dishes.

  Then he walked over to the door and my heart gave a dispirited thud as I realized he was leaving.

  “Why didn’t you wear a jacket?” I asked. “It’s freezing out.”

  Lucas shrugged. “I guess I forgot it,” he said. “The minute I heard your voice I ran out the door.” He patted his jeans pockets. “I don’t even have my wallet on me.”

  I tried not to show how much his words warmed my heart.

  “So tomorrow,” he said.

  “Tomorrow?” I replied.

  “Date night,” he explained. “Say you’ll go with me and I’ll let you have this.” He held up the envelope.

  “You already gave it to me; now you’re using it as blackmail?” I protested.

  “Wow, I’ve never heard a girl call a date with me blackmail before,” Lucas mused as I tried in vain to snatch at the envelope.

  Finally I gave up. “All right, Lucas,” I said. “I will go out with you, just once.”

  “Just once with a chance of more?” he asked, lowering the envelope.

  “A very small chance,” I said wickedly, grabbing it out of his hands. “And no guarantees!”

  Lucas smiled the big smile all guys reserve for the moment when they know they’ve won. He leaned in and whispered in my ear, “You know how I love a challenge, Hero.”

  Then he kissed me, pressing me backwards until I was against the door, his tongue probing my mouth with delicious intensity. He kissed me until I felt thoroughly kissed, until I felt breathless. He kissed the breath right out of me.

  I followed him out to the stairs and watched him cross the lobby and go out the door before I opened the envelope.

  It was a sketch, a view of what I assumed had to be his apartment window. He’d drawn the bare trees and the building across the street. There was a shaggy dog framed in one window looking totally forlorn. Beneath the drawing he’d written, “Without You.”

  I hugged the sketch to my chest, a grin spreading across my lips as I followed the hallway back to my door. I’d dreaded this day for so long. It stunned me to realize how differently it had turned out than how I’d feared it would.

  Or maybe no differently at all.

  My door had drifted partly shut, and I noticed a paper tacked to the outside of it, a paper that hadn’t been there when Ethan and I had come in five hours earlier.

  My eyes ran over the two words as my body broke out in a cold sweat.

  FOUND YOU

  14<
br />
  Em: Is it happening now?

  Me: We’re in the car going to the restaurant.

  Em: Don’t put out on the first date. He’ll never buy the cow if he can motorboat your boobs for free.

  Me: Omg, stop now.

  Em: Make sure you show him that bra, though, it’s my best one!

  Me: I’m turning my phone OFF now.

  Em: No glove, no love!

  “What’s so funny?” Lucas asked, giving me a quizzical look as he stopped at a red light.

  I quickly hid my phone in my purse before more of Em’s X-rated texts could come through. “Just sister stuff,” I answered.

  “You’re not telling her to call you in an hour with an emergency so you can get out of this date, are you?” Lucas said suspiciously. “Because you gotta give a guy a chance.”

  “No, I told her to save her gaping head wound for the two-hour mark,” I replied. “The whole point is to get a free meal out of you first, obviously.”

  “That’s my girl,” Lucas said with a grin.

  My girl. I recalled how on the night of Oleg’s party those same words had filled me with rage. Now I felt my chest fill with anticipation and bubbly excitement. I was surprised at how little nervousness I was feeling, actually. Though Lucas might not know it, this was my first date—ever. I should have been white-knuckling it, but instead I felt giddy. Lucas, on the other hand, seemed pretty cool on the outside, but I had the feeling he was a little apprehensive about tonight.

  When we first got into the car, he’d accidentally put it into reverse instead of drive, and he kept turning on the windshield wipers by mistake, even though it wasn’t raining. He blamed in on the fact that it wasn’t his car—and thank God, because this one was worse than the last one. One door was a different colour than the rest of the car, and my seat was stuck in a leaned-back position—but I remembered what Brit had said that night at The Limo; that it was my presence that made Lucas lose his cool.

  Feeling mischievous, I decided to test out Brit’s theory. Sitting up in my seat as we sat at an intersection waiting to make a left turn, I leaned toward Lucas and brushed my fingers through his hair. His golden eyes darted to my face as I gave him a sly smile.

  “What’re you doing?” he said uneasily.

  Edging over even farther, I placed my lips beside his ear and whispered, “Am I making you nervous, Lucas?”

  I heard him beginning to respond when I opened my lips and slid my tongue across his earlobe. Lucas sucked in a breath and the car swerved suddenly to the left, then back again. Luckily I’d checked that there was no traffic around the car before making my move.

  “Jesus, Katie!” Lucas said as he completed his turn, breathing hard, his eyes wide and his hands gripping the wheel for dear life.

  I fell back into my seat, giggling. “I got you, I got you!” I sang until he was laughing along with me. “You’re such a sucker! I would have seen that one coming from a mile away.”

  “I told you I wasn’t any good at multitasking,” he said, still shaking his head. “But you just wait, I’ll get you back.”

  I didn’t have to wait long. At the next stop he swiftly put the car into park, undid his seatbelt, and pulled me toward him, kissing me so firmly and deeply that for a moment I forgot entirely that we were in a car on a busy street with people walking by. When a car behind us honked, he broke the kiss and gave me mocking frown. “That’s for using your siren ways against me,” he said, shaking his finger at me as he took the wheel again.

  “Well, if that’s my punishment, I think I might just have to do it again,” I answered with a coy grin, and he groaned like I was hurting him.

  I didn’t know who this flirty, brazen girl was that had taken my place tonight, but I hoped she stuck around. She was already a hit, both with Lucas and with me.

  We turned into the parking lot of a sketchy looking strip mall and I began to hope this wasn’t actually where we were eating. Maybe there was a super secret entrance to a swanky restaurant hidden between the dingy dry cleaner’s and the seventies decor family eatery? But I didn’t want to seem judgmental, so I kept my hopes to myself.

  Lucas got out of the car then ran around to my side to open the door for me. I stepped out gingerly due to the heels Em had insisted I wear and took the arm Lucas held out.

  “What a gentleman,” I said appreciatively, and saw that his eyes were still riveted to the four-inch strappy sandals on my feet. (I was stunned Emily had let me have them considering the state her boots had been in after my daring run through the snow, but she’d said they were her first date good-luck shoes and I had to wear them. “For the sake of the date,” she’d said dramatically, handing them over.)

  I felt the palm of Lucas’s hand run down to the small of my back, then press me closer to him so he could speak into my ear. “You wouldn’t think I was such a gentleman if you knew what was going through my mind after seeing those shoes,” he said, his voice thick, his lips grazing my ear. It was the same move I’d pulled on him in the car. I was surprised he’d only swerved. I would probably have crashed right into the curb.

  In my heels I was much closer to his height, and I didn’t have to stretch that far to whisper back. “Well, get ready, because under this coat I’m wearing a dress to match.”

  Lucas gave me a burning look and I literally had to take him by the hand and lead him toward the sidewalk to get him to move.

  As I’d feared, we stopped in front of the rundown-looking restaurant. I wasn’t wrong about it being a family eatery. Its name was actually Mama’s Table. Glancing through the window I saw lots of parents and kids, booster chairs, and booths with cracked vinyl seats. I remembered Lucas’s long hours at the club and his borrowed car. He obviously didn’t have a lot of cash. Maybe this was the best place he could afford.

  “Looks great!” I said amiably as I waited for him to open the door for me.

  He gave me a funny look and kissed me on the forehead. “Thanks for faking that for me,” he said. “This is going to be great, though, I promise. I just need you to wait here for a sec.” He waited for my nod, confused as it was, then went through the restaurant doors.

  Only when Lucas was out of sight did I feel the heaviness descend upon my shoulders. Leaning against the brick wall beside the door, I quickly scanned the half-empty parking lot and began twisting my fingers. My hands were already puffy and startlingly red because I’d been doing it all day, almost nonstop except for the car ride. Without Lucas to distract me, my mind was drawn immediately to the note.

  After placing it on the coffee table I’d been irrationally afraid to touch it, and had sat huddled on the couch for most of the night, staring at it as though it was a poisonous snake and might uncoil and strike me at any moment. I had not slept at all, and when morning came I’d gone straight over to Em’s under the pretense of date prep. She’d done my nails and taken me out for lunch, chatting almost nonstop about Lucas and the date and how sure she’d been that we’d patch things up, and I’d been more bright and cheerful than I’d ever been. (Em had actually asked me several times if I was feeling all right.)

  Suddenly, my own defense mechanism revealed itself to me like a jack-in-the-box and I saw that the flirty girl in the car was just another version of that persona, a gay and giggly mask to cover the quivering girl inside. When I was laughing and happy, even as a pretense, the fear couldn’t touch me. It was an opposite method to the one I’d been using for years to battle my fear—namely lonerdom and a surly disposition—but then, I realized, I’d never been this afraid before, not in six long years.

  I couldn’t be sure that Brandon himself had been in my building. But somebody he knew had been there. Somebody he was in contact with knew my phone number and where I lived. How hard could it be for this person to pick my lock and break right in? I’d held my baseball bat—the one my father had bought for me when he’d found out I would be getting my own apartment—clutched in my sweaty palms all night with that very thought in mind. I had n
o idea where I would be sleeping tonight, but I knew I couldn’t go back there, not alone. I couldn’t face the two words on that piece of paper again.

  This date with Lucas felt like a last meal of sorts, a tantalizing treat before the nightmare set in. I could have rescheduled, made up some excuse. In truth, a part of me had gravitated to this response, a knee-jerk reaction from years of hiding, of avoiding, of lying. But I didn’t want to lie to Lucas, and I didn’t want to be held hostage by my fear anymore. I wanted to go on my first date with a guy I thought might just be able to survive me. I wanted to disappear into his embrace and forget about what was waiting for me at home: a terror so big, so strong, I was sure it would tear me away from my moorings and I would never see Lucas again. I didn’t want to let it have me. I didn’t want to see what it had in store. So, instead, I swallowed it whole, hiding it deep inside so I could have this one night for me. For Lucas and me. For us.

  Just in case it was our only chance.

  I was still staring into the dark when Lucas pushed the door open and poked his head out.

  “Ready to have the best meal of your life?” he said with a smile.

  Was I ever.

  Taking my hand, he led me through the brightly lit restaurant. I imagined maybe he’d had a special table laid out for us at the back, but that wasn’t the case. Once we reached the back wall of the restaurant, we kept going down the hallway that I assumed led to the bathrooms and the back door.

  “Uh, Lucas?” I said. “Are we going to eat out by the dumpsters, or…?”

  “I knew I should have blindfolded you,” he answered. “We’re almost there, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. Or, actually, whatever you want to do with your panties is fine with me.” He grinned widely over his shoulder at me.

  “Shut up about my panties!” I said. “Or you’ll never get to see them.”

  This seemed to sober him somewhat, and as we reached a pair of swinging doors he held them open for me, the perfect gentleman once more.

  We were in the back of the kitchen. There were metal sinks and stacks of pots and a mop and bucket leaning against the wall. I was just about to ask Lucas what the hell was going on—had I worn these awful heels for dish duty?—when a guy in a white apron and chef’s hat appeared from around a corner. He had chubby cheeks and incredibly long sideburns.