Four Letters

by Lisa M. Harley

  “What the hell did you do now?”

  “Nothing. I didn’t do a thing. I went for a run tonight and I saw this woman in the park.”

  “Okay and you ran right past her because you are a happily married man and would never, ever touch another woman, right?”

  “I didn’t even speak to her.”

  “Good answer.”

  “But, I really, really wanted to. There was just something about her, Becca.”

  “Repeat after me, Daniel: I can look, but I will not touch.”

  When I didn’t say it, she repeated, “I can look, but I will not touch. Say it, Daniel.”

  “Fine. I can look, but I will not touch.”

  “Good. Now get your ass out of my room, I need to get some beauty sleep.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I left her room with her words repeating over and over in my head: I can look, but I will not touch.

  Those words continued to run through my head over and over again as I ran through the park every night that week. Having to catch a glimpse of my little friend hiding away from the world. She was watching me too. You know you can just tell when someone’s eyes are on you, and hers didn’t leave my body the whole time I ran by the bench she was sitting on.

  I don’t know what in the hell came over me, but it was stronger than I was. I had to talk to this woman. I had to know her. Nothing could come of it because I was married, but the pull to her was so intense. It was kismet. Fate. Goddamn…it was nothing. I’d meet her, then go back to my room and call Skye and have some mind-blowing phone sex. Then my little friend under the tree would be long forgotten.

  As I ran I thought long and hard about the woman. Somewhere in my mind I came to the conclusion that as long as I didn’t give her my real name everything would be fine. I could become someone else again like I’d done with Skye. Becoming a new person hadn’t been that difficult and it wasn’t like I was ever going to talk to her again.

  This was a one time, one day thing. I’d become someone new today, have a conversation with this woman that was driving me absolutely bat shit crazy, and then go back to being Daniel and Sterling just as soon as I got back to the hotel.

  I could do that.

  No problem.

  There was a fire station on one side of the park and as I glanced over at it I came up with the name I would give her…Asher Brown.

  Get it? Asher…from ash…from fire.

  Yeah, I was turning into a fucking crazy man.

  Sitting down with her I knew this would be it. I wouldn’t do anything but introduce myself. Becca didn’t say a word about talking she just said I couldn’t touch. By giving her a fake name this could end as soon as it began. She wouldn’t have to know anything about the real me, because she would never know the real me. Or at least that was the plan when I sat down beside her on that park bench.

  Holy fucking shit.

  Had I really just asked this woman out on date?

  Was I really taking Lilly out?

  I don’t what the hell was going through my head. It wasn’t lust. Of course I wanted her, but that wasn’t all it was. When I looked into her eyes there was something there. It wasn’t something to be explained, it was just something to feel and I was feeling it with someone who wasn’t my wife.

  And the academy award for asshole of the year goes to: Daniel Raider! Or should I say Sterling Smith? Or how about Asher Brown? Yeah, any of those would qualify for the award.

  Did I still love Skye? What a stupid fucking question…of course I did. Skye was my wife. She was the woman I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, right?

  ***

  “Hey, what’s up,” Becca asked as she answered the door to her apartment. We’d only been back from Texas for a couple of days.

  “I fucked up, Becca. I really fucked up,” I moaned.

  “Daniel? What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I love her, Becca. Goddamnit! How did I let this happen?”

  “And Skye loves you too, Daniel. Or Sterling. What the hell ever.” She shook her head and turned to walk back into her apartment. “What’s going on? Did you guys have a fight?”

  “No, but we’re going to.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I love Lilly.”

  She whipped around quickly to where she was facing me. “Holy shit! Who the hell is that?”

  “We met a couple of weeks ago.”

  “In Texas? Wait, a couple of weeks ago? The chick in the park? Fuck! You’re not in love with her, its lust. Did you sleep with her?”

  I didn’t have to answer, my not responding and looking at everything in her apartment but her answered the question for me.

  “Damn it, Daniel. I really don’t think you could’ve screwed this up any worse?”

  Once again my silence answered for me.

  “Holy shit. What did you do, Daniel?”

  “I may have given her another alias.”

  “You may have? What the fuck were you thinking? You need to get your ass home. We need to have you locked up and throw away the key before you fall in love with every woman between here and Antarctica.”

  “I know something is wrong with me, Becca. How can I be in love with two women?”

  “You aren’t. You love Skye and you fell in lust with Lilly. So, what you need to do is stay away from Lilly and go home to your wife and beg for forgiveness.”

  “You don’t understand, I can’t leave her, Becca. I want to marry her and have a family with her. This thing hit me like a ton of bricks. It was crazy and instantaneous. I knew the minute I saw her that I had to be with her. I told you there was something drawing me to her.”

  “Do you want a divorce, Daniel?”

  “Hell no!”

  “Then what are you saying? You can’t be married to two women at the same time. It’s called polygamy, and it’s illegal.”

  That got my mind to turning.

  Was it really illegal?

  Since I married Skye as Sterling and Lilly knew me as Asher, would that still be illegal. Somewhere in my fucked up head I rationalized it. I could be married to two different people, since I was pretending to be two different people, right?

  “Don’t worry about me, Becca. I’ll take care of the situation. No problem.”

  “Really? I shouldn’t be worried, huh? You are freaking me the hell out. When you say no problem I start thinking of all the problems this could really cause.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and got right in my face. “Whatever you’re thinking, please, please really think about what you’re doing here, Daniel. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone else, but this is a recipe for disaster.”

  “Thanks for your concern, but I got this handled. You really did help me figure everything out.”

  “Oh, hell no! You are not blaming any of this on me. I didn’t help you figure out anything. Whatever crazy thoughts you have going on in that screwed up brain of yours had not a darn thing to do with me. So, when you’re telling this story as you sit in jail with your new buddy Tiny after you were arrested for various crimes such as fraud and polygamy, just leave my name out of it.”

  “Love you too, Becca.”

  “Babe, if I didn’t love you I would’ve gotten the hell away from you a long time ago.”

  Chapter Five~

  The next several months I split my time equally between Skye and Lilly. When I was with one of the ladies I would tell the other I was working, and vice versa. I was really surprised at how well this was all working out. I loved spending time with Skye and spending time getting to know Lilly better. It was hard not being able to be with them all the time, but actually I think most men would agree that it was nice to have a break once in awhile too. Spending all my time with either of them I’m afraid would’ve become tedious. My life was definitely anything but tedious.

  I’d been home with Lilly for about a week. When I was in town I always stayed at her place. I woke up to the sound of laughter coming from the bathroom.

 
Slowly I climbed out of bed and made my way over to the door. Leaning on the door frame I ran my fingers through my hair and wiped the sleep from my eyes. When I focused I saw Lilly sitting on the side of the tub with the biggest smile spread across her lips. Without thinking I smiled at her, and asked, “Everything okay, sweetie?”

  “Everything is…well…it’s just…” She flew up off of the tub and jumped up into my arms. She started placing light kisses all over my face. “Happy. Everything is just happy.”

  “Everything is happy? What the hell are you talking about?”

  She pulled back and her beautiful eyes were absolutely sparkling. Looking up at me as she smiled and said, “I meant to say, I am happy. I am so, so happy, Asher.”

  “I’m happy too, but is there a special reason why you’re laughing in the bathroom and telling me how happy you are?”

  She nodded and that ever present smile grew even bigger.

  “Are you gonna share the info with me?”

  She nodded again and then showed me something in her hand. It was a white stick.

  Holy shit - it was a white stick.

  Pulling her tight against me, I screamed, “You’re pregnant? Oh my god, you’re pregnant!”

  We stood there laughing and holding each other, and I can honestly say that I can’t remember a moment in my life where I was any happier than I was right then.

  Lilly was going to make me a father. Skye didn’t want kids, but that was all Lilly wanted. She wanted a family of her own, and she wanted that with me. She was giving me a real family.

  When the laughter slowed down I carried her to bed and laid her gently across it. As I hovered over her, so close that I could feel her breath in my face, I asked, “Lilly, marry me?”

  That’s when her laughter changed to tears. “We’re gonna have a baby and you want me to marry you?”

  “Yeah, and you’re crying. Why are you crying?” I wiped a tear from her cheek.

  “Asher, I’ve never been this happy in my whole life. You have no idea how happy I am right now.”

  “I think I have a pretty good idea, sweetie. I feel the same way.”

  Her big beautiful eyes were wide and so full of emotion when she asked, “Do you really? You want to have a baby with me?”

  Leaning down over her I ran my nose along her jaw and when I heard her breath hitch I nibbled on the sweet spot right below her ear that always drove her crazy. She moaned aloud. “Yes. I want to have a baby with you and I want to marry you as soon as humanly possible, but right now all I really want to do is this…”

  We made love all night long and I showed her exactly how happy she’d made me.

  ***

  “She’s pregnant, Daniel?”

  “Yes, Becca, she is. I’m gonna be a daddy!”

  “Do you hear what you’re saying? I mean, come on, you’re a smart man, but you’re acting like a total dumbass. You can’t marry her, because you’re already married or did you forget that one tiny little fact?”

  “Sterling is married, Becca. Asher is single and marrying the woman who is going to make him a father,” I said with as much conviction as I could muster. “I know this shit is crazy. It’s not like I expected her to get pregnant.”

  “Were you having sex with her?”

  “Of course, I was.”

  “Did you use protection every time?”

  “Well, almost. We forgot to use any a couple a times, but it’s not like I did it on purpose.”

  “And I call bullshit. You knew what could happen. You’ve known since we watched the sex-ed video in the sixth grade,” she gave me a look that said she was pissed and thought I was stupid.

  I really hadn’t planned on Lilly getting pregnant, but I was over the moon happy about it. Being a father hadn’t been a big part of my future plans, because I knew it was something Skye wasn’t interested in. When Lilly told me she was having my baby, it made me so damn happy. I wanted this kid more than anything and I was going to be the best father I could be to him.

  “I’m going to ask Skye for a divorce. Even though she isn’t married to Asher, you’re right, I can’t do that to her.” I turned around in my chair, stood up and grabbed my coat from behind me off the back of the chair. “I’m going to go tell her right now.”

  Becca caught me before I could leave the deli. Putting her hand on my shoulder, she said, “Daniel, are you sure this is what you want to do? Are you sure you don’t love her? Is Lilly worth losing Skye?”

  “I love them both, Becca. I feel for both of them, I can’t explain it, it’s just different.”

  With that I left the deli and made my way down to the parking garage. As I sat in traffic trying to get to our penthouse, I thought about the first time I ever laid eyes on Skye. She took my breath away, and now I was going to break her heart. I had no doubt that she was tough enough to handle it, on the outside, but on the inside this was going to hurt her. Causing her pain was going to kill me, but it had to be done.

  Spending so much time away this past year had been really hard on her and this was going to be the straw to break the camel’s back. I wasn’t altogether sure that she wouldn’t kick my ass right out of the penthouse, but I deserved it, so I would have to accept whatever she doled out.

  I had to be with Lilly. She was going to have a baby - my baby. This wasn’t even a question to me. My phone started ringing in the seat next to me.

  “Hello?”

  “Sterling?” I heard Skye’s secretary ask.

  “Lori? Is everything okay?”

  “Not really. Skye needs you,” she sniffled.

  I could tell something bad had happened.

  “What’s wrong? Is she hurt? Where is she?” I was frantic. I had to get to her.

  “She’s on her way to her parents’ house.”

  “Why is she going there?”

  “Oh Sterling, her mother passed away. Her dad had his assistant call and break the news to her. She’s freaking out, Sterling. She needs you,” Lori sounded so sad.

  “I’m on my way to her now. Thanks for letting me know.” I hung up the call and turned the car around so I could head back toward my in-laws home.

  When I got there I found my strong, brash, beautiful wife on the floor of her mother’s closet sobbing and clinging to one of her mother’s dresses. Carefully, I picked her up and carried her into one of the guest bedrooms down the hall and laid her down on the bed. Pulling the blanket over her from the foot of the bed, I kissed her forehead and started to leave the room.

  “Please don’t leave me. I love you, Sterling,” Skye said while wiping tears from her eyes.

  What the hell was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t break her heart, when it was already breaking for her mother. Looking down into her big beautiful eyes, I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and placed a soft kiss on her temple. “I’m not going anywhere, babe. Remember, you’re stuck with me.”

  “Hold me?”

  I climbed into bed behind her and put my arm over her waist. Snuggling up to her back, I whispered, “I love you, Skye. Always.”

  That was the moment that my life went from a little weird to completely and utterly fucking insane. I couldn’t divorce Skye. I loved her and she needed me, but I had to marry Lilly. I loved her too, and not only did she need me, my unborn child needed me too.

  I stayed with Skye for a couple weeks after the funeral, but I talked to Lilly every day. I told her that my company was anal about privacy and that’s why my caller ID showed up as “unknown”. She so easily believed me. They both did. They trusted me, but did I deserve that trust? I believed I did, because I wouldn’t do anything to hurt either one of them, ever.

  As I was in NYC with Skye, Lilly was in Texas planning our wedding. We were going to fly out to Vegas the next weekend with her best friend, Morgan and her boyfriend, Kash. Morgan was a real piece of work, but she was beginning to grow on me. I knew how much she loved Lilly and I couldn’t dislike her. Kash was cool, but definitely not the kind of guy
I ever expected to call a friend. Slowly but surely we were becoming close for Lilly’s sake. Morgan and I both loved her and would do anything for her, so we shared that.

  Skye drove me to the airport.

  As we walked to the boarding line she asked, “Are you going to miss me, Sterling?”

  “Of course, I will Skye. I always miss you when I’m away.”

  “That was an excellent answer,” she smiled and placed her arms around my waist.

  “I love you, baby.” I placed a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ll be home before you even get a chance to miss me.”

  She pulled back and looked into my eyes. “Too late.” Then she firmly pressed her lips to mine and slid her hands up my chest until she wrapped her arms around my neck. Breathlessly, she whispered, “I love you, Sterling. Thank you for being honest with me.”

  What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

  I couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t another damn lie, so I just nodded as I picked up my briefcase and boarded the plane. Turning around to wave at her, I watched my wife wipe a tear from her eye.

  On the flight to Dallas all I could think about was Skye and what a mess I’d left behind at home.

  Was that home?

  Wouldn’t home be wherever Lilly was?

  Would I have two homes now, to go along with all of my houses?

  This life I was leading kept getting crazier and crazier, but the spiral had begun and there was no way for me to stop it. Love is a slimy bastard that hits you like a ton of fucking bricks and then says, “How’d you like that? Now what are you gonna do about it?”

  The minute I walked into the terminal and saw Lilly, Morgan, and Kash waiting for me I put Skye completely out of mind. When my eyes met Lilly’s I just knew that this was right. Lilly was mine and I loved her and our baby.

  How could a love so strong be wrong?

  It couldn’t be, right?

  Our wedding was a little bizarre, but it was exactly what Lilly wanted so it was perfect.

  A friend of a friend hooked me up with a great set of fake ID’s for both of my alter egos. When money is no object it’s amazing how easy it is to become someone else. With my fake ID we had no problem getting our license in Vegas. We spent a few days there and then flew back to Texas to start our lives together.