Six Months to Get a Life

by Ben Adams

  I bought the first round of drinks. This didn’t seem like a lager night to me so I went with Amy’s suggestion of getting a bottle of wine to share. Being no wine expert, I let Amy choose and we ended up with a cool Australian chardonnay. Over our first glasses we each gave the other a brief life history. (Mine: ‘University, marriage, two kids, divorce, new flat’; hers: ‘Grew up in Wimbledon, marriage to rich financier, one kid, hubby had affair with au pair, divorce, dog.’) We then moved on to jobs. I told her about single-handedly bringing about efficiency savings of £1 million per year and she told me she lives off the proceeds of her divorce but also makes a few quid writing for a website for bored housewives.

  But the most interesting conversation was about our children. Not general background stuff on what they are like, but very specific stuff. It turns out that Jack and Lucy have been texting each other non-stop for the past week and Lucy is trying hard to resist telling Jack that she has a crush on him. I haven’t seen Jack all week so I hadn’t picked up on this surprising development. I say surprising because despite Jack talking a bit more about girls over the last year or so, going to an all-boys school, as far as I know he has never actually progressed this interest into anything so much as a conversation with a girl. He still prefers to spend all his waking hours playing sports.

  Anyway, with the wine consumed, the evening ended on a very pleasant note. We did exchange a kiss, and on the lips too, not some perfunctory peck on the cheek. This momentous coming together happened as the cab we were sharing stopped outside iron gates that presumably hid Amy’s home behind them. I was half-hoping, no I was completely hoping, that she would ask me in for coffee but she didn’t. Instead, she told me how much she had enjoyed the night and hoped we would do it again soon. There was a bit of an awkward pause and then Amy opened the cab door. She was climbing out before I decided I had to kiss her. I don’t know where my confidence to make the first physical move came from but I rushed out of the cab after her, grabbed her hand and turned her towards me. The kiss itself was probably a bit of a lunge, a bit of a clash of my lips upon hers with a bit of nose bumping going on too but once Amy had realised that she wasn’t being mugged, there was definitely two people participating in the kiss. Well, three if you count the cab driver who was standing next to us making sure we weren’t about to do a runner.

  I slept in late this morning, because I can. I am pretty chuffed with how last night went. Can I now officially say I am in a relationship? Maybe I can but who would I tell? Not my single mates as they will just take the piss. I could tell my ex but I would only be doing that to make myself feel good. She wouldn’t be interested. I could have told the boys when they came round for tea tonight but I decided that it is too early to get into it with them. Having said that, when Jack got in the front door, he had a smug grin on his face. With a knowing expression, he asked what I got up to last night. I took it on the chin and resisted the temptation to tell him that I know his secret as well as him knowing mine. He will tell me about what is going on with him and Lucy when he is good and ready.

  The boys and I had spag bol converted into a chilli for tea (I think I might freeze the rest now). After living in the flat for the weekend, personalising it and having the kids round, I feel much happier about the move. We will do our best to make some good memories here.

  Monday 23rd June

  For some reason this morning, all of my radios were tuned to Capital. I tried other presets and they had been changed too, to things like XFM, 6music and Radio 1. I might occasionally cope with Capital, but I am more a Radio 2 and Magic man these days. Still, at least the kids felt at home enough to mess with my stuff.

  I got a date for my interview for my current job today. Basically, I will be put out of my misery on Friday. In the circumstances, sloping off from work early to watch the Holland versus Chile game on the telly probably wasn’t my wisest decision of the year but I went anyway.

  Tuesday 24th June

  Phew, Sean’s passport arrived. I had to go and pick it up from my ex’s today. I used her address as I suspect it was the one they had on the database and I didn’t want to complicate things.

  When I went round there, my ex told me Sean was out with his mates and Jack was out with his girlfriend. I am sure my ex was hoping to surprise me with that news because she couldn’t hide her look of disappointment when I just nodded. I asked my ex what she knew about his girlfriend. She said absolutely nothing, other than that he was always texting her. I felt slightly pleased that I knew something that she didn’t.

  My ex and I managed to stay on civil terms with each other this time. My evening with Amy is still fresh on my mind and has had the effect of reducing my bitterness that my ex is seeing someone. We even remained civil when I mentioned the thorny issue of maintenance payments again. I told her I had entered my income into an online maintenance calculator and its conclusion was that I was paying nearly twice as much as I needed to. I also told her about potentially (or should I say probably) losing my job. She took this news quite well and told me to pay whatever I could afford. She must definitely be loved up.

  I spent longer in my old house this evening than I have spent there since my divorce came through. Whenever I go there these days I feel awkward. Part of me wants to go through the house with a fine tooth comb to see what I might have left behind and what has happened to the place since I have gone. Strangely my ex still has our wedding photo on her sitting room wall. The landscape prints from places we have visited are all still up, as is the framed picture of the two of us with the Grand Canyon as a backdrop. My former life confronts me wherever I look in my ex’s home. I asked my ex why she hadn’t had a revamp of the pictures tonight. ‘Because the boys like to have your photo up,’ she replied. That’s funny, they haven’t asked me to put any photos of their mum up in my new flat.

  I also noticed my Bose stereo speaker sitting gathering dust on a shelf under the coffee table. I haven’t got a decent sound system in my flat so when my ex was making us a cup of tea in the kitchen I quickly snuck the speaker out to my car.

  Thursday 26th June

  I’ve been in bed for a couple of days with a horrible sick bug. I won’t go in to details. The timing is bad as I am due to have my interview for my job tomorrow. Daniel boss man isn’t inclined to view me in a good light at the best of times so I am sure he thinks I am pulling a couple of sickies to watch the World Cup and prepare for my interview. Admittedly I have been doing the former. Tomorrow, when he hears my answers, any thoughts he had about me doing the latter will be well and truly dispelled.

  Friday 27th June

  I still don’t feel great but I dragged myself in to work today, looking maybe not quite resplendent but certainly better than normal on a Friday in my ‘interview suit and tie’.

  It is hard applying for the job you currently do. You can’t exaggerate your skills or achievements as the interviewers know you. It is harder still applying for your own job when your boss, who is conducting the interview, thinks you are an arse. And to top it all off, it is even harder still to apply for your own job when the competition turns up in a short skirt, a figure-hugging top showing a slightly inappropriate amount of cleavage and rather suspiciously walks in to the office at the same time as the boss.

  Before I let off steam about the interview, I just want to register the fact that I am actually bloody good at my job. I am not the bumbling fool that I might sometimes make myself sound, at least not where my job is concerned anyway. I do what needs doing and sometimes go the extra mile when I think it will be appreciated. Daniel, my less-than-generous boss, conceded in my last appraisal that I was ‘a valued member of the team’. Mind you I am sure he plays bullshit bingo when it comes to appraisals.

  So, to the interview. As well as Daniel, Michelle, the head of HR, was also sitting across the table from me. I have met Michelle a few times, mostly in the pub after work. Considering she is an HR person, I actually quite like her.

  Daniel kicked off the
interview by asking me what my greatest achievement was in my current role. I swear he was grinning as he asked it. I steered clear of the million pound efficiencies line and talked instead about introducing monitoring systems that resulted in a reduction in the down-time of our vehicle fleet and a consequential improvement to our distribution network. Daniel pushed back, saying that there must be something I am even more proud of.

  ‘Like what?’ I asked.

  ‘Like single-handedly transforming the company’s operating processes to achieve efficiencies worth more than £1 million per year,’ he replied.

  ‘It’s kind of you to mention that feat,’ I told him. I admitted to being proud of my work to achieve efficiencies, but told him that anyone who claimed they single-handedly brought about efficiencies wouldn’t be a team player, doesn’t know the meaning of the word partnership, is selfish and short-sighted and in it for themselves. Not the sort of person who should be working for this company, I told him. I just about managed to keep a straight face as I ticked off a whole host of good-sounding nonsense.

  I reckon I got the upper hand on that question. I let my advantage slip on the next one though. Michelle asked me what one thing I would change in the organisation to bring about improvement. ‘My boss,’ I replied. When I pick up my P45 in the near future, I will at least take some satisfaction from the fact that I made the head of HR laugh in my interview.

  On a serious point, I am now even more worried than I was previously about my cash-flow. I will surely lose my job soon. I haven’t got a clue how I will pay my rent in the long-term, or even the medium term, without a salary coming in. Maybe I should try and be nice to my ex so she accepts a few ‘I owe yous’ in place of actual money for a couple of months. I really need to pull my finger out and get another job.

  I haven’t dwelt for too long on my performance at interview or my perilous financial situation because Jack and Sean have come to stay for a long weekend. Their mum has gone off to Exeter again to be with her ill dad. I am thankful for the fact that there hasn’t been any recent talk of a permanent move to Exeter.

  Saturday 28th June

  After I wrote yesterday’s update, the kids and I slobbed out in front of the telly, scoffed too much chocolate and watched a film, because for the first night in ages there wasn’t any football on. I was thinking something Harry Potter-related but the kids are growing up. We watched Shaun of the Dead. I hated the film with a passion but it did remind me of a dispute between my ex and I when our own Sean was born. We agreed we would call our new baby Sean. Both of us liked the name. Sean was ill the day we were going to go and register his birth so I got the job of going to the registry office on my own. Sean Hope is actually registered as Shaun Hope because I didn’t know you could spell the name any other way. When she saw the birth certificate my ex didn’t speak to me for a week.

  Jack and I have now come clean with each other about the women in our lives. He was texting away at the breakfast table. When I asked him who he was texting, he told me he would tell me if I told him who I went out with last Saturday night. Fair enough. I told him I met Amy and we had a nice evening and are planning to meet up again. He told me he had seen Lucy after school a couple of times. Their first get-together was for a hot chocolate and cookies in Centre Court shopping centre (her choice) and the second was a Burger King (my son the romantic’s choice).

  Once Sean had polished off his cornflakes and left the flat to go to the park with his mates, Jack put on a very worried look and asked me what he should do if Lucy wants to kiss him.

  Now I don’t know about other dads, but I have sometimes wondered if my son would ask me this sort of question. As I have previously pointed out, Jack is a real novice with the girls. Although we haven’t talked about it too much, I think he feels awkward around them (I know how he feels). I know some of the other kids of his age have had numerous girlfriends already and their dads have either been asked for advice or have just given it whether they have been asked or not. But this is my first time having a proper grown up conversation with Jack about this stuff. I felt as nervous as Jack looked. Strangely though, I also felt really pleased to be asked. At least someone thinks I know what I am talking about when it comes to matters connected to the opposite sex.

  So, how to respond to Jack’s question of what he should do if Lucy wants to kiss him? A few answers ran through my mind, including:

  a. Go and ask your mother;

  b. Run a mile

  c. Run two miles

  d. Do you want to kiss her? If so, then give it a go. But make sure your mates aren’t watching because if they see you kissing her they will take the piss forever.

  After much deliberation I opted for a version of d) but without the mates bit. Jack was a bit embarrassed but did confess that, ‘I don’t mind a kiss like you and mum give me but I don’t want to do any of that sloppy stuff where you each stick your tongue down each other’s throats.’

  ‘And what about hand-holding, is that acceptable in your book or not?’ I asked.

  ‘What’s so good about holding hands? I’ve only just got mum to stop holding my hand when I cross Grand Drive,’ Jack moaned.

  ‘Don’t worry son, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,’ I told him rather lamely.

  ‘And she got a bit funny with me when I wouldn’t meet her on Tuesday because I had cricket practice,’ Jack was on a roll now.

  ‘Welcome to life, son.’ It suddenly dawned on me at this point how Jack is at a real crossroads in his development. One minute he’s still a boy who will happily give his dad a kiss, but the next minute he is wrestling with decisions about how far to go with his girlfriend. I vowed there and then to buy him lots of ice-cream, take him to see Disney films and generally enjoy his childhood for as long as I possibly can.

  At the end of our father and son chat, Jack still seemed to value my opinion which pleases me no end.

  I resisted telling Jack that I was having similar dilemmas about what I should or shouldn’t do with his girlfriend’s mother.

  Sunday 29th June

  What is better than a stroll along the banks of the Thames with an attractive woman on a Sunday morning followed by a good lunch? Not a lot in my book. This morning, Jack and I between us made some phone calls and arranged to meet Amy and Lucy at Putney Bridge and walk along the river to Chiswick for a spot of lunch. Sean came with us, although I have a feeling that if mine and Amy’s and Jack and Lucy’s relationships develop, we may have to persuade Sean to continue coming on such walks with us.

  Amy looks just as good in shorts and sandals as she does in jeans and boots. We kissed upon meeting today. That must go down as another step forwards. I didn’t see any crafty kissing going on between Lucy and Jack but with the pair of them loitering at the back of our little group, I definitely spotted some awkward hand-holding.

  We lunched at the City Barge pub by the river. With Amy and I getting to know each other, Jack and Lucy feeling each other out metaphorically speaking at least, Amy and I checking out our children’s potential suitors and Sean beginning to get a sense of what was going on, lunch was interesting to say the least. At one point Amy asked Jack and Sean what they liked best about school.

  ‘Nothing,’ Sean offered.

  And from Jack, ‘The bell for going home.’

  I wasn’t having my kids down-playing their academic abilities so I told Amy and Lucy proudly that my boys were doing pretty well at school and were both in the ‘gifted and talented’ programme. Jack kicked me under the table and chastised me on the way home for making him out to be some sort of teacher’s pet.

  I sensed that Amy fell in to the same trap as me when she told Jack and Sean that she and Lucy used to enter gymkhanas and win rosettes on their own horses. Why do I always fall for people who like horses? I can’t stand the animals, they give me asthma. Lucy told her mum to shut up because she was embarrassing her.

  It was an odd lunch, where Amy and I were both trying to big up our childr
en’s achievements to make them look attractive to the other. At about the time our traditional rhubarb crumble and custard was delivered, Sean couldn’t take listening to any more of my complimentary comments about Jack.

  ‘Dad,’ he protested, ‘why don’t you tell Lucy about the time Jack came home crying because Ivor Cox had beaten him up when he scored a goal past him in football practice. Or what about the time when he got in to trouble at school for refusing to go swimming because he didn’t want to get his willy out in the changing room?’ He just about finished his last sentence before chairs started falling over and he ended up on the floor.

  ‘Thank god I haven’t got a brother,’ Lucy said to Jack as Sean re-took his seat at the table, still with a smile on his face.

  On the walk back towards Putney Bridge, Amy and I found ourselves ahead of the children who had gone to retrieve the dogs from behind a boat house. We laughed about our awkward attempts to big up our respective children. Jack and Lucy were getting on like a house on fire without us needing to egg them on. I am not sure what I make of Jack seeing Lucy. Part of me can’t help thinking ‘good on you son’. But another part, the more mature part, worries that it is just too early for Jack to get into girls. Up until a couple of months ago he was quite happy playing his sport. I admired his simple life. He was happy when he was playing, ecstatic when he was playing well but miserable when his team lost. We all knew where we stood. But now that he has met Lucy, it is harder to work out what is going on in his head. When I mentioned this to Amy, her answer didn’t exactly reassure me.