by Jeffery Self
“My survival kit is now complete with Jeffery Self’s hilarious new book! I feel more confident and educated, and frankly, safer among heterosexuals now after reading this guide book!”
—Jesse Tyler Ferguson, star of Modern Family
“I’ve always claimed that Jeffery Self is the funniest writer and performer of his generation. Straight People is the hilarious LOL nail in any counter-argument coffin. Because I’ll kill anyone who disagrees.”
—Joshua Kilmer-Purcell, author of I Am Not Myself These Days, star of The Fabulous Beekman Boys, and winner of The Amazing Race, season 21
“What Jeffery Self knows about straight people would fit in a book. I laughed a lot and learned a great deal. It’s the literary equivalent of a rectal examination.”
—Graham Norton, host of The Graham Norton Show
“People always say that Jeffery Self is the poor man’s Kristen Johnston, but that’s not only untrue, it’s offensive to both of us. He’s quite clearly the poor man’s Amy Sedaris.”
—Kristen Johnston, star of 3rd Rock from the Sun, The Exes, and author of Guts
“Jeffery Self is hilarious. His originality and wit blow me away every time!”
—Amy Schumer, stand-up comedienne and actress
“Jeffery’s humor combines old-guard theater queen sophistication with 21st century irreverence—and his work often reduces me to tears of laughter.”
—Christopher Rice, New York Times bestselling author and co-host of The Dinner Party Show
Straight People
A Spotter’s Guide to the Fascinating
World of Heterosexuals
Jeffery Self
© 2013 by Jeffery Self
Published by Running Press,
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.
Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected].
Library of Congress Control Number: 2012944545
E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-4898-2
987654321
Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
Cover and interior design by Jason Kayser
Edited by Jordana Tusman
Typography: Concorde, Helvetica, and Sketchetik
Running Press Book Publishers
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Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371
Visit us on the web!
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Dedication
To my parents, two of the coolest Heterosexuals I’ve ever met. And to Patrick, my bug.
Contents
Introduction
What Is a Heterosexual?
Here we’ll get to know each other, like really get to know each other. Know what I mean? No. Not like that. Geez. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is a book, for crying out loud!
Chapter 1
Heterosexual Watching
This chapter outlines the varied breeds within the Heterosexual species. From Hipsters to Married Couples to Sassy Black Ladies, refer to this chapter while Heterosexual Watching to determine what kind of Heterosexual you’ve spotted.
Chapter 2
Heterosexual Habitats
An explanation of the diverse habitats of the Heterosexual, from those found in metropolitan cities to those living a quieter life in suburbia.
Chapter 3
The Heterosexual Lifestyle
An exploration of the quirky habits practiced by Heterosexuals, from their gender-specific watering holes (called Straight Bars) to their distinctive mating rituals (known as dating).
Chapter 4
Heterosexual Migration Patterns
This chapter takes you on a journey through the Heterosexual’s migratory patterns, exploring vacation hot spots, such as Colonial Williamsburg and Orlando, Florida. Pack a suitcase, we’re going on a Straight Person vacation!
Chapter 5
Heterosexual Feeding Habits
This chapter describes the spectrum of feeding patterns distinct to the Heterosexual. Get ready to be hungry! Better yet, go ahead and grab a snack and get one for me, too! Yes, Bugles are a great idea.
Chapter 6
Heterosexual Culture
Heterosexuals gravitate toward a unique brand of pop culture, one unlike that of any other species. For example, while Heterosexuals have little time for musical theater, their patience for Dane Cook is seemingly inexhaustible. In this chapter, we explore the ins and outs of Heterosexuals’ pop culture preferences and how to better understand their celebrity icons.
Chapter 7
Heterosexual Calls
A complete guide to the calls and songs of Heterosexuals, including tips on how to open up a conversation with Heterosexuals, and a glossary of the terms that you’ll need in order to do so.
In Closing
Afterthoughts about Heterosexuals
In this chapter I am forced to say good-bye and, even though we just met, I can already tell I’m going to miss you.
Acknowledgments
What Is a Heterosexual?
HELLO, HETEROSEXUAL WATCHERS, STRAIGHT-PEOPLE SPOTTERS, and Opposite-Sex-Couples Enthusiasts! My name is Jeffery Self, and, yes, that is a real name.
I know what you’re thinking: The name Self sounds about as made up as Whoopi Goldberg, but you’re wrong. Self is my given name, but while we’re on the topic: Whoopi Goldberg is the most ridiculous of made-up names in the history of such a thing. Especially when you consider that her real name is Caryn Elaine Johnson. I think that I seem more like a Caryn Elaine Johnson than Whoopi Goldberg does, but none of this has anything to do with Heterosexuals except that Whoopi is one of them—but enough about Whoopi;* let’s get back to my book, shall we?
What Is Heterosexual Watching?
het·er·o·sex·u·al watch·ing
noun. 1. The hobby of watching and observing the endlessly varied species of the Heterosexual, also known as Straight People. 2. The practice of observing this marvelous species that has been called “common,” “prevalent,” and “capable of reproduction.”
Now, you might be wondering about me. That’s to be expected because, well, I’m endlessly fascinating. You’re probably asking yourself or your significant other, or your Wilson soccer ball with a face drawn on it if you’re Tom Hanks in Cast Away, why should I learn about Straight People from this guy?! He seems like a total D-bag, and Jeffery Self is maybe the stupidest name I’ve heard since Meryl Streep named her daughter Mamie Gummer. What authority does this Jeffery freaking Self have to tell me anything about anything? Especially Straight People?
That is a totally valid question, and I’m happy to answer it if you’d lower your voice, lighten your tone, and leave Meryl Streep’s immediate family out of this. Here are 10 of my qualifications that you should know before we get started:
1. I live in Los Angeles, where some of the world’s most famous Heterosexuals reside. In my short time here I’ve seen: Emi
ly VanCamp shopping for a mattress, the guy from Entourage eating a Chinese chicken salad at a restaurant, and even Kirstie Alley standing in a shop window staring at traffic with a look that either said, “I have been wronged by the world one too many times” or “I am Kirstie Alley.”
2. Not only was I raised by a Heterosexual. I was raised by two Heterosexuals.
3. I live in an apartment building where Heterosexuals live. In fact, I’ve heard my Heterosexual upstairs neighbor having sex more times in the past month than I’ve had all year.
4. I’m gay. Which means I know everything about pop culture and that I can sing the words to every Spice Girls song that has ever been recorded. And guess who are all Heterosexuals? That’s right: the Spice Girls. With the exception of Scary Spice; she seems like she could go either way.
5. I made out with a lot of Straight Guys in college.
6. There is no such thing as a Jennifer Aniston movie that I’ve never seen.
7. I’m medicated nowadays, so I’m a lot less to deal with on a daily basis.
8. My boyfriend works at a women’s daytime talk show, and we get a lot of free women’s lotion and bath products, so I basically smell like your girlfriend. Or more like your aunt Gwen. Who might also be your girlfriend. I don’t know your personal life and I don’t need to. Speaking of which . . .
9. I don’t judge. Seriously. I don’t. Except if you’re a serial killer, a con artist, or Julianna Margulies.
10. And finally: I’ve been around Heterosexuals my whole life. Some of my favorite people are Heterosexuals, and I’ve closely studied their uniquely fascinating behavior—from Beer Pong to girls’ nights to the quirky ways they attract their mates—and I’ve compiled all these discoveries into this spotter’s guide. Plus, I know what Tina Fey smells like!
Now that you know who I am, it’s my turn to figure out who the hell you are. If you’re reading this book, that likely means you’re one of three kinds of people:
1. You, yourself, are a Heterosexual Watcher and are purchasing this spotter’s guide to aid you in your Heterosexual-Watching expeditions. If so, hello, my brethren. Whether you’re a fulltime Heterosexual Watcher or merely an armchair hobbyist, I firmly believe this spotter’s guide will prove helpful to you, and I’m honored to be included in your Heterosexual-Watching adventures.
2. You are a Heterosexual and are intrigued to learn more about the species you belong to. Right on! I love learners!
3. You are my mom. Hey, Mom! Great blouse! Chico’s,* right?
FAQs about Heterosexuals
As you read this book you will probably be met with a lot of burning questions. Questions like: What do I need to Heterosexual-Watch? Where do I go to Heterosexual-Watch? Am I a Heterosexual? Are you going to finish that blueberry crumble muffin? Fear not: In the following pages, I will be answering all these questions and more. However, I will not be answering that last question because, duh, I’m going to finish it, and if I’m being honest, I find it kind of rude that you’d even ask me before I’ve even taken my first bite, but whatever. Here are some frequently asked questions.
Where do I go to Heterosexual-Watch?
Heterosexual Watching can be done in pretty much every climate and on every continent. Any major city can serve as a great watching spot. However, centralized sections—such as the Castro District in San Francisco or Chelsea in New York City or a Kathy Griffin stand-up comedy show—are proven to be far more difficult than say, Chattanooga, Tennessee.
How do I know if Heterosexual Watching is for me?
You don’t, but just as with anything else in life (except for eating wet dog food or wearing men’s Spanx), you won’t know until you try.
What type of clothing is recommended for Heterosexual Watching?
It is best to wear something that will blend in. Just as hunters wear camouflage in the forest, a Heterosexual Watcher should attempt to blend into Heterosexual surroundings. You can achieve this by sporting Heterosexual clothing, such as a Mets cap, tapered jeans, a woman’s peasant blouse (only if you’re a female, of course—sorry, fellas), overalls (but remember to wear a shirt underneath, unless you’re Heterosexual Watching in the Deep South or you’re in an amateur production of Oklahoma!), sweatpants that have things such as Juicy, Pink, or Mama’s Behind written on the butt (again, ladies only), novelty T-shirts, and jackets made by Carhartt.
Should I eat before going Heterosexual Watching?
It isn’t required, and, in some cases, it’s not recommended. A great way to entice Heterosexuals into speaking to you is by inviting them out for a meal. A great Heterosexual once said, “I don’t trust a man until I sit down to dinner with him.” And that great Heterosexual was none other than Jared from Subway.
Do I know a Heterosexual?
With the exception of those working in musical theater and/or attending Sarah Lawrence, the answer is most likely yes.
10 Signs That You Are a Heterosexual
1. That man standing next to you is your husband.
2. You fear you’ll never live up to your mother-in-law’s expectations.
3. You own a Snuggie.
4. You saw The Vow. In theaters.
5. You know the lyrics to any song by Train.
6. You have unironically laughed at Dane Cook.
7. You’ve ever been late to dinner at Outback Steakhouse because of your children.
8. You had a poster of Zac Efron in your bedroom during the first decade of the 21st century, and you are not a 30-year-old man.
9. You’ve given serious thought to ordering a pair of those pajama jeans.
10. You’ve used the term chillax within the past two years.
Are Heterosexuals ever attracted to people of the same sex?
Heterosexuals are attracted to people of the opposite sex; that is what distinguishes them as Heterosexuals. However, even Heterosexual Males find photos of young Brad Pitt to be jaw-dropping and mesmerizing. If they say they don’t, they’re lying to you.
How do I know if I’m a Heterosexual?
There are many ways to find out if you’re a Heterosexual. For one, try kissing a member of the opposite sex and see how you feel afterward. If you’re turned on, you might be a Heterosexual. If you feel like you just licked an elephant’s butt, you probably aren’t.
I currently identify as a Heterosexual, but sometimes I’m not so sure. How do I know if I’m not a Heterosexual after all?
Just as you can figure out whether or not you are a Heterosexual, there are many warning signs to help you figure out if you’re not one. The most effective method tends to be watching the movie Beaches and seeing how you feel afterward. However, sometimes that isn’t clear enough. Take a look at these 10 most common warning signs that you are not a Heterosexual.
10 Signs That You Are Not a Heterosexual
1. When I mention Dorothy Loudon, you know whom I’m talking about.
2. The majority of your shirts are sleeveless.
3. You use your iPhone for Grindr more than for actually making calls.
4. You’ve ever wondered, “Why hasn’t Mo’Nique made another movie since Precious?”
5. You follow Jackée Harry on Twitter.
6. You have a favorite episode of Designing Women.
7. The distressed jeans you’re wearing came like that.
8. You are a hairdresser named Richard.
9. You drink rosé.
10. You’ve ever “put your paws up” or called yourself a “little monster.”
My gym buddy is a Heterosexual, and I’m always worried that I might say the wrong thing. Is there a “wrong thing to say to Heterosexuals”?
Yes, but that’s a difficult question to answer and relies heavily on the situation you’re in. If you’re in, say, a sauna with your Heterosexual gym buddy, you probably shouldn’t say something like, “I’ve seen a lot of movies that start out like this,” no matter how many movies you’ve seen that actually start out like that. However, you’re more than welcome to
say, “Did you like The King’s Speech? I didn’t.” He will most certainly agree, and you can spend the rest of your gym visit discussing how overrated Helena Bonham Carter is—a subject anyone can relate to.
Where do Heterosexuals come from?
Sometime around the evolution of man came the evolution of woman. Seeing as there was literally nothing to do back then (literally, like not even TiVo), the Heterosexual Male and Female started to occupy their time with casual hookups and eventually reproduction; from there, an army of Heterosexuals were born and continue the Heterosexual lifestyle to this very day.
Have we ever had a Heterosexual president?
A few, yes. But it’s hard to say specifically which ones.
I am not a Heterosexual, but sometimes I find myself staring at attractive Heterosexuals in public places. Is that considered Heterosexual Watching?
There is a fine line between checking someone out and the hobby of Heterosexual Watching. Who among us hasn’t admired a gorgeous married man pushing a grocery cart through the store and buying baby formula? With the exception of lesbians and people who hate babies, everyone has. An attractive fella is an attractive fella, no matter whose team he’s batting for. The same goes for the ladies. But just because you’re staring at some hot guy for the second day in a row at Starbucks, and just because he’s wearing a baby blue–striped tank top today and his pecs are even better than you imagined they would be underneath that American Apparel V-neck he wore yesterday, and just because you keep looking for excuses to turn around and admire his physique, going so far as to spill an entire Greek yogurt parfait on the (very annoyed) woman next to you just so he might get up and offer you a napkin does not qualify as Heterosexual Watching.