by Jeffery Self
In such an instance, you are politely admiring the male form or creeping that guy out. Heterosexual Watching is a much more nuanced study of the species and goes much deeper than wondering if said hot Heterosexual guy in Starbucks, whom I’ve started calling Billy Santiago by the way, wears boxers or briefs, and whether Billy Santiago lives around here or whether he came back to this Starbucks today in that very revealing tank top to let me know he noticed me, too. Did he? So, no, Heterosexual Watching is not that. It’s a far more serious hobby.*
Let’s set some ground rules now.
Heterosexual-Watching Rules
1. While Heterosexual Watching, it is vital to respect Heterosexuals, their environment, and their lifestyle. Heterosexuals are generally a loving and amicable species, and in order for all of us to live happily as one, we must respect each other’s quirky habits and ways. Just because you don’t “get” Natalie Portman doesn’t mean the Heterosexual feels the same way.
2. Keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times doesn’t just apply to rides at Disney World (a Heterosexual melting pot that we’ll get to later); it also applies to Heterosexual Watching. In my years of Heterosexual Watching, I’ve learned that Heterosexuals do not like to be touched unexpectedly. Now that doesn’t mean you can never touch a Heterosexual. Far from it. Kiss your Heterosexual grandma and hug your friendly Heterosexual tennis partner, but only do such touching if it’s mutually agreed upon. Basically, what I’m saying is, no matter how many acai berry martinis you’ve had and no matter how nice your Heterosexual friend Mike has always been to you, never stick your hand inside his shirt, no matter how experienced a Heterosexual Watcher you may be, and no matter how well-toned Mike’s chest has been looking lately.
3. If you see a Heterosexual, do not immediately point at him/her, as the Heterosexual will automatically assume that you’re (A) a creep to be actively avoided, (B) a terrorist, or (C) a paparazzi photographer who is going to take a really unflattering picture of her at Chipotle and force her to explain why she was eating a burrito at 10 a.m. in the first place (if the Heterosexual is, say, Demi Lovato).*
Those are the rules. Other than that, remember to enjoy yourself and have a good time. Heterosexual Watching is a wonderful way to connect with a lovely species that is literally everywhere you go. Pay close attention, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn a little something. Oh, and if you happen to be that hot guy in the baby blue–striped tank top from Starbucks . . . hey, gurl!
Staggering Statistics on Heterosexuals
I also feel compelled to share with you some very important statistics to keep in mind about Heterosexuals and their lifestyle before beginning your journey as a Heterosexual Watcher.
Let’s move on and learn about the specific breeds within the Heterosexual community. Come along!
*Not going to lie: This isn’t the last time you’re going to read about Whoopi. In this book, I will be exposing you to the fascinating world of Heterosexual Watching. Some of you might be scratching your heads. If so, first of all, wash your hair and maybe it wouldn’t itch so much, and, second of all, let me explain.
*Chico’s is an extremely popular shopping destination among Heterosexual Moms. This chain of shops is known for its flowing fabrics, chunky jewelry, and totally insane commercials in which middle-aged women say, “It was a Chico’s kind of day.”
*If you don’t think you’re cut out for the world of Heterosexual Watching, might I suggest other hobbies I enjoy, including record collecting, reading memoirs, collecting Beanie Babies, going to therapy, hanging out at those $30 Thai massage places just to feel the touch of another human, or eating snacks!
*True story!
Heterosexual Watching
THE HETEROSEXUAL KINGDOM IS ONE OF EXPANSIVE VARIETY. These wonderful creatures come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and backgrounds. I’ve spotted so many different kinds of Heterosexuals in my life that I get excited just thinking about it—but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Unlike those really unappealing photos of food that are the same in every Chinese takeout place in every city in the history of the world, no two Heterosexuals are alike. Many Heterosexuals belong to very specific subsets and groups, such as Frat Boys, Married Couples, Hipsters, and Metrosexual Males.
Many other Heterosexuals belong to extremely rare subsets, such as hippies named Peter who live in vans in and around the greater Miami area; Asian Americans who lack computer skills; and the handful of people who think Cameron Diaz is a good actress (usually these same people also claim to have understood what the hell was going on in Vanilla Sky).
Heterosexual Watching requires that you fully understand what it is you’re looking at when observing Heterosexuals in their natural habitat. Skilled Heterosexual Watchers will memorize these varied breeds so, when they’re in the field, they do not have to consult the pages of this book.
In the event that you’re not very good at memorizing because you didn’t grow up doing community theater—or, in my case, even if you did, but you partied a little too hard during that blurry period of 2009 to 2011 when you lived in New York with that girl who was always doing drugs in your kitchen with the go-go dancers she met at nightclubs and have since then not been able to remember anything from your cousin Hal’s birthday to where the hell you put your spare set of keys when you came in last night—you’re more than welcome to bring along this guide anytime you’re in the field.
However, it is vital to wait until after the Heterosexual has left the premises to consult the guide, since Heterosexuals tend to be fast creatures who come and go very quickly, and by looking down into the guide to determine whether the person is a Metrosexual or a Frat Boy, you might end up missing the spotting entirely. It is best to simply observe and take it in. Once you’ve fully watched the Heterosexual, then (and only then) should you consult the guide to determine what you’ve just seen.
Make sense? Great. Aw, really? Thanks. I’ll bet you’re really smart, too.
Breeds and Subsets of Heterosexuals
THE SINGLE WANNABE CARRIE BRADSHAW FEMALE
TOPOGRAPHY
A young woman, somewhere in age between the mid-20s and mid-30s, who moves to New York City in hopes of leading the Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle. She is usually astonished when she discovers just how much a pair of Jimmy Choos costs and how she feels after five cosmopolitans.
Q&A
Q. What do you do?
A. Currently I’m interning at a fashion magazine, but what I really want to do is write my own column, like Carrie Bradshaw.
This answer is code for: “I’d like to have a seemingly endless disposable income, obnoxious amounts of free time, and more shoes than I will have days in my lifetime.”
HOW TO SPOT
She is usually clutching a copy of the September issue of Vogue (even if it’s March). Also, look for colorful and patterned handbags that cost more than the four years she spent at BU, plus bold fashion choices that at first might resemble that of a homeless drag queen but under further inspection reveal themselves to be “high fashion”—chunky belts; unnecessarily high shoes; clothes or accessories with pictures of Audrey Hepburn on them; wrap dresses; vintage hats; clothing that looks like it was made for a child; clothing that actually was made for a child; a big smile that says, “I’m an ambitious girl with dreams, but I’m also a pretty easy lay”; and a big Starbucks coffee that says, “I’m a girl with a hangover, but I’m also a pretty easy lay.”
BACKGROUND
Not really important; what is important is that she completely disregards where she came from, and never mentions her parents until season five when Miranda’s mother dies and her laptop breaks in what is arguably the best episode of the series.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
The Barneys co-op sale; Woody Allen movies about New York; saying things like, “New York is my playground”; “I would honestly die if I moved out of the West Village”; and “Brunch is my church.”
DISPOSITION
AVERSIONS
The Gap; Times Square; being told, “You’re such a Miranda.”
MIGRATION PATTERN
Usually prefers migration to European cities where ridiculous fashion is socially acceptable and cigarettes are still considered chic instead of, y’know . . . cancerous.
HABITAT
This Heterosexual’s habitat is usually rather modest, as most of her income goes into the aforementioned shoes and overpriced drinks served in chilled martini glasses. However, her sense of style makes up for her meager surroundings, and she can usually turn any old New York City walk-up apartment into something right out of your local Anthropologie window display. Likely because she usually works at your local Anthropologie.
TURN-ONS
Men with a sense of style; men with vacation homes; men who in any way could resemble Mr. Big; being compared to anyone from any French film ever; being mistaken for being French; pretending she knows how to read French when at a French restaurant; any sort of modern art museum that serves wine; getting asked directions by tourists and giving them, even if she has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about.
The Top 10 Things You Should Know about the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female
1. She ate tasteless pasta for an entire month to be able to afford the shoes she’s wearing; please compliment them.
2. She will never get onboard with Sloane Crosley, but will never suggest it is because she’s jealous.
3. She actively avoids the term old maid or the card game of the same name.
4. When reacting to a friend’s engagement, her enthusiasm is always fake, but she never acknowledges that.
5. She loves romantic comedies.
6. She hates romantic comedies.
7. Drunk texting is often a preferred method of correspondence. Such texts could include one to an ex-boyfriend: “I still can’t believe your audacity,” or to a female friend: “You’re my gurl, Casey.”
8. Never ask about her sister with the house in East Hampton, the CEO husband, and that amazing job in publishing. She’d rather not go there.
9. She secretly wishes it were actually President Michelle Obama.
10. Never, ever, ever even suggest that Sarah Jessica Parker and Carrie Bradshaw aren’t the same person.
TURN-OFFS
Sports bars; khaki pants; the subway; reality television that isn’t on Bravo; New Jersey; carbs.
THE METROSEXUAL MALE
TOPOGRAPHY
Metrosexuals are an enigma of the species. On the surface, they’re groomed, dressed, and displayed in a way that leads some to believe they’re Homosexuals, but underneath the Kiehl’s moisturizer, 2(x)ist underwear, and basic black Marc Jacobs polo is a very attractive and pleasantly scented Heterosexual.
Q&A
Q. Do people ever assume you’re gay?
A. Of course. Every day.
Q. Are you OK with that?
A. I don’t really see the comparison. Hey, I just made a goat cheese–and–fennel quiche. Would you like a bite?
HOW TO SPOT
Look for glamorous metropolitan male fashion (a lot of fitted shirts and pants with labels written in Italian), tailored suits that show off his toned body, as well as hair products that smell like Carson Kressley’s house on Fire Island.
BACKGROUND
Metrosexuals come from all walks of life. They could be raised in the city, the country, or suburbia. The only requirement is that they get the hell out of wherever it is they’re from, migrate to a major metropolitan area, and buy all the DKNY they can possibly afford.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
Jon Hamm = God.
DISPOSITION
Metrosexuals carry themselves with an air of mystery. They know better than anyone that a brooding, serious demeanor goes really well with their charcoal Diesel mock turtleneck sweater that hasn’t even come out in stores yet.
AVERSIONS
Baggy pants; body odor; Supercuts; Panda Express.
MIGRATION PATTERN
Metrosexuals love migrating to other big cities and can also enjoy sleepy New England towns, as long as they’ve brought a copy of anything by Fitzgerald and there’s a bed-and-breakfast that’s been profiled in the New York Times travel section for having a varied selection of aged bourbons.
Think you’ve spotted a Metrosexual? Here are some helpful questions to ask him.
Boxers or Briefs?
A Metrosexual would never wear boxers because he favors fitted pants and, to a Metrosexual, the only thing worse than scrunched-up boxer shorts in a pair of fitted slacks is when his DVR doesn’t record Top Chef.
What kind of socks are you wearing?
Any Metrosexual will be able to answer this. Period. End of story.
How many products are in your hair right now?
Anything less than two and he’s disqualified. Anything less than one and he’s a wild animal.
How many times, in the past year, have you received some sort of spa treatment?
Anything less than four and he’s disqualified. Bonus points if the Metrosexual can tell you what a paraffin dip is!
Thoughts on hair removal?
All Metrosexuals manscape. A Metrosexual thinks of back hair the same way I think of Debra Messing in dramatic roles. I know that a few exist, but that doesn’t mean I ever have to see them.
HABITAT
Metrosexuals keep their homes spotless and orderly. If you enter a Metrosexual’s den that is unkempt or dirty, you have walked into a crime scene, and you should immediately leave and call the police.
TURN-ONS
Girls with a distinctive fashion sense (Metrosexuals want their relationships to look like a photo spread in Details magazine); speakeasies; women who let them pick out the wine; cigars; modern art (even if they don’t get it); Mad Men; anything made out of alligator skin; Victoria Beckham.
TURN-OFFS
Applebee’s, country music, the state of Florida.
THE MARRIED COUPLE
TOPOGRAPHY
Two Heterosexuals, a male and female, who are married. These Heterosexual pairs are usually distinguished by rings on their left ring finger, patience in dealing with others, visible frustration, and the constant use of we.
Q&A
Recently, I sat down with a Heterosexual Married Couple named Frank and Alice who have been together for twenty years.
Me: Hi, Frank. Hi, Alice. Thanks for sitting down with me.
Frank: I’m happy to do it.
Alice: I am, too, Frank.
Frank: I know that, Alice. I was speaking for both of us.
Alice: Well, I’m perfectly capable of speaking for myself, thank you very much.
Frank: I know that, Alice.
Alice: And you didn’t even mention me. You said, “I’m happy to do it.” Not “we.”
Frank: The we was implied.
Alice: Then you should have said we.
Frank: And if you could speak for yourself then I shouldn’t be the one to have to speak for you.
Alice: I was going to speak if you would just shut the fuck up for five seconds!
Me: So, what would you say is the hardest part of marriage?
Frank and Alice: Communication.*
HOW TO SPOT
The Heterosexual Married Couple varies in appearance. Newly married couples maintain healthy, attractive appearances; however, once the marriage has reached roughly the 10-year mark, the couple’s devotion to their appearance becomes less and less of a priority, eventually resulting in the wearing of sweatpants and
the nightly television viewing of whatever is playing on TLC, which, let’s be honest, is probably something about conjoined twins.
BACKGROUND
While background is not a major factor in the life of a Heterosexual Married Couple, their upbringing can sometimes come into play when they’re fighting. Key phrases, such as “You sound just like your father” and “You’re turning into your mother” can end a disagreement between a Married Couple faster than whatever began it, which, it should be noted, is always the Heterosexual Male’s fault.
PHILOSOPHY AND BELIEFS
Many Married Couples include two people with extremely different views and beliefs. It took my own mother something like 15 years to tell my father that she was a closet Democrat and that she hates baby back ribs (two things that, as a rule, go hand in hand).