by Jeffery Self
*While I am fascinated by this mating ritual, I will not attempt to explain the actual mechanics of Heterosexual sex, as I have never experienced it firsthand, and the only vagina I’ve ever seen is Sharon Stone’s in Basic Instinct. And honestly, I kind of prefer her in Casino.
*It would be a disservice to write a guide to Heterosexuals without at least mentioning the Kardashians. The Kardashians are a fascinating Heterosexual enigma that won’t seem to go away. Like bedbugs or cancer. No matter how you feel about this celebrity family, they’re doing something right. Everyone knows their names, and, for the most part, everyone has seen them naked.
*Not to be confused with Baby Boom, which is another great movie starring Diane Keaton. It came out a few years before the aforementioned Father of the Bride, part 1, but she’s still flawless.
*The closest I’ve come to starring on Broadway is going on two dates with a guy who was the understudy for Danny in Grease, and he won’t look at me anymore.
Heterosexual Migration Patterns
HETEROSEXUAL MIGRATION PATTERNS ARE USUALLY HIGHLY specific to their breeds. On any given day, thousands of Heterosexuals can be found migrating to warm environments and world-famous cities, taking a break from their usual lifestyle, and trying something new, like eating pho! The following are the most popular migration destinations within the Heterosexual community.
The Destinations
Las Vegas
This is one of the most popular Heterosexual migration spots, and for many reasons. It is a city designed for people who don’t want to do too much walking or standing, and what better way to relax than to sit at a Crocodile Dundee slot machine and drink bottomless Bloody Marys?
Local entertainment is geared to the Heterosexual: chippendale shows for the ladies and topless bars for the men, then throw in the comedy of Rita Rudner for the older crowd, and Donny and Marie Osmond’s never-ending concert act for everyone in between.
Did anyone say hungry? Las Vegas offers some of the world’s least healthy food. Heterosexuals can find all-you-can-eat buffets at the entrance of every casino, along with restaurants owned by chefs the Heterosexual will recognize from television. Best of all, any of these food options can be delivered to your hotel room at any hour of the day. Heterosexuals in Vegas don’t have to take time out of watching a Morgan Freeman* movie on Pay-Per-View to do pesky things like sitting down for dinner or walking down the street.
WARNING:
Anyone other than Heterosexuals should avoid Las Vegas at all costs (especially the Homosexual, despite the allure of Cher’s long-running Caesars Palace concert stint). More than an hour in this place will leave you questioning all sorts of things like the future of humanity, women’s right to choose, and just how much money Cher* really needs.
Orlando
Orlando is to the Heterosexual family what Las Vegas is to the Heterosexual alcoholic. Orlando is one of the strangest things about human civilization, stranger than dogs wearing shoes or Tilda Swinton’s personal life. Made popular by Disney World, Orlando offers all sorts of Heterosexual destinations, such as Universal Studios, SeaWorld, and some place called Gator-land, which is exactly what it sounds like it is. The city sits in the swampy central part of Florida and exists for one purpose: to entertain the Heterosexual family.
On any given day, Orlando is visited by thousands upon thousands of Heterosexuals traveling halfway across the world to ride rides, eat food on sticks, and take pictures with a man who is dressed as Captain Hook and was once an MFA student in modern dance at Juilliard. It is here that the Heterosexual can proudly flaunt his or her lifestyle by pushing a tandem baby stroller while wearing cargo shorts.*
Daytona Beach
Daytona Beach is another Florida-based popular migration spot for the Heterosexual. Here you will find the overweight Heterosexual in a swimsuit, drinking frozen drinks, and blaring their native music (by artists such as Lynyrd Skynyrd or Limp Bizkit). Groups of Heterosexuals gather in Daytona Beach to tan their normally pale skin, eat fried shrimp, and buy novelty T-shirts that say things like Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee! and FBI: Female Body Inspector. If one is looking to see Larry the Cable Guy live in concert (and what Heterosexual isn’t?), his best bet would be checking out the Daytona Beach cultural arts calendar.
New York City
The Heterosexual Female loves visiting New York City because it makes her feel like a real-life Carrie Bradshaw, even though Carrie Bradshaw never flew in from Chattanooga, Tennessee, to stay at the Times Square Holiday Inn Express. This is obviously a popular destination among the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female (page 31), but its appeal goes even further, making the simplest of Heterosexuals feel decadent and fabulous. The Heterosexual Female really lets loose in New York City, staying out too late and drinking very sugary alcoholic drinks at bars with names like Area and Tunnel. These females will return to their native habitats with stories of their drunken hookup with a real-live New Yorker they met at one of the previously named bars before going to his studio apartment in Jersey City.
Cancun
The Heterosexual visits Cancun to celebrate an annual holiday called Spring Break. Spring Break comes from the collegiate term for “a weeklong holiday taking place between the months following winter and preceding summer.” During this time, young Heterosexuals retreat to the warm waters of Cancun for unlimited Coronas and bad decisions. Bad decisions made in Cancun include, but are not limited to, participation in wet T-shirt contests,* Girls Gone Wild video appearances, and getting pregnant by someone from Wyoming. Cancun is a place for the Heterosexual to unwind by running rampant in a drunken, unsterile mating frenzy on the not-so-white beaches of Mexico.
Colonial Williamsburg
Heterosexuals looking to take in a little history and culture on their migration, by which I mean old people and nerds, will migrate to Colonial Williamsburg. This old-fashioned city is a Heterosexual history buff’s fantasy land, as this place is full of old-time buildings and hired actors wearing period clothing and pretending to be from the early 1700s. Colonial Williamsburg is one of the last places in America where someone can legitimately claim to be a blacksmith* for a living.
Malibu
We all know Malibu Barbie, but did you know that Malibu Barbie was inspired by the countless Heterosexuals who migrate to Malibu’s beautiful beaches on a yearly basis? It’s true, Barbie is a Heterosexual, albeit 50 years old and made of plastic. Malibu is basically the opposite of Cancun; this is a quiet, stylish, posh beach where Heterosexuals looking to have a decadent beach experience and get photographed by the paparazzi will migrate. I live in Los Angeles, and of the few Heterosexuals I speak to on a daily basis (not intentional, I’ve just pissed a lot of people off), they all migrate to Malibu. Recently, I tagged along on one such Heterosexual Migration.
My Day at the Beach with Heterosexuals
WHAT IS BEER PONG AND HOW DO I PLAY?
The best advice I can give any Heterosexual spotter trying to learn how to play Beer Pong is to enroll in any undergraduate program across America. Beer Pong is to college students as screaming over each other so much that they barely make any point at all is to the cohosts of The View.
BUT YOU DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
You’re right. Sorry. I got carried away thinking about The View. But while we’re on the topic of drinking games, here’s one you might try. The next time you find yourself watching The View and having an alcoholic beverage (which shouldn’t be too often since The View is a morning talk show and drinking that early in the day is a pretty good sign that you have a problem), take a big swig of your drink every time Whoopi rolls her eyes in disgust at Barbara Walters. Seriously. Try it. You will have alcohol poisoning by the time they get to the first guest.
Much like my View drinking game, the object of Beer Pong is to get your fellow players utterly smashed. Two teams compete to land a small plastic ball in each other’s cups. Each time Team A lands a ball in their cup, Team B must chug the
cup full of beer, then back and forth until someone wins or passes out.
WHAT SHOULD I EXPECT AT A GAME OF BEER PONG?
Pandemonium similar to the first scene after they drop off all the tributes in The Hunger Games, minus the blood, graphic deaths, and ominous but really well-written film score. Heterosexuals unleash something inside themselves the minute they begin a game such as Beer Pong, and, if played correctly, it can be almost as much fun as watching The Hunger Games and imagining what would happen if the tributes were the cohosts of The View.
WHAT DO I NEED FOR A GAME OF BEER PONG?
A large supply of plastic Solo Cups, the stamina to handle excessive beer consumption, a designated driver, and a tomorrow that can be spent recovering in front of your TV with a bottle of ibuprofen, some Gatorade, and, if you’re like me . . . an episode of The View.
The Top Five Ways a Game of Beer Pong Is Similar to The View
1. Both led me to skip a countless number of classes while in college.
2. It’s best to start both having had at least one or two drinks before. To loosen up.
3. Something tells me Rosie O’Donnell is skilled at both.
4. Both lead people to scream belligerently at each other.
5. Both could potentially kill Barbara Walters.
The Heterosexual SAT #2:
Sentence Completions
Uh-oh! It’s time for another pop quiz! I’m sorry. I can assure you that I don’t like writing them just as much as you don’t like taking them. But you know what? Life is full of stuff you don’t want to do but end up having to do. How do you think Hillary Clinton felt about being Secretary of State?
For this test, you’ll be answering sentence completion questions.
EXAMPLE:
Jeffery Self smells so great they should:
A.Ask him to leave.
B.Ask him to shower.
C.Bottle him.
D.Start calling him Elizabeth Taylor.
Answer: While the obvious answer here is C, I would accept D, but only because it makes me feel really good about myself. Think you’ve got the hang of it? Good. Let’s go!
1. Ever since I arrived in Las Vegas, I keep seeing _______.
A.Priests
B.Maps for New York
C.Puppies
D.Obese people with tickets to go see Elton John
2. I recently went to the beach with some Heterosexuals and got drunk playing _______all day.
A.Scrabble
B.Beer Pong
C.Barry Manilow Trivia
D.Simpsons Monopoly
3. New York City is so beautiful this time of year; if only it didn’t smell so much like _______.
A.My dad after a jog
B.Coconut shampoo
C.Toothpaste
D.Stale urine and broken dreams
4. My parents and I are going to Colonial Williamsburg this summer to learn about how _______used to live.
A.Aliens
B.Cave people
C.Our ancestors
D.Angela Lansbury
5. Disney World was so crowded that we didn’t get to ride _______.
A.Our bicycles
B.The waves
C.Splash Mountain
D.Pierce Brosnan
6. I’ve only been to Cancun for Spring Break on one occasion, and I left with a hickey and _______.
A.A scholarship to Duke University
B.Strep throat
C.$1,000
D.A really unfortunate evening caught on tape by Girls Gone Wild
7. When going to the beach, it is important to wear _______.
A.A dress shirt
B.Sunscreen
C.A feather boa and a wig you don’t mind getting wet
D.A belt and nothing else
8. John Mayer has slept with so many women they should change his name to _______.
A.John Mayor of Lady Town
B.John Lay-her
C.I’m not going to get any further with this one because those first two are just too damn good. I’m so clever.
9. While in Daytona Beach, my girlfriend won a wet _______ contest.
A.Swimsuit
B.Blanket
C.T-shirt
D.Willy
10. When migrating with a Heterosexual Male, it is likely he will refuse to ask for _______.
A.A pee break
B.A candy bar
C.Directions
D.Me to sing the entire soundtrack to Dreamgirls, but I will do it anyway
ANSWERS:
1. D; 2. B; 3. D; 4. C; 5. C; 6. D; 7. B; 8. Every answer is correct; 9. C; 10. C
*Morgan Freeman is an older African-American male whom Heterosexuals time and time again hire to play God in their movies, leaving future civilizations to believe that the Almighty Creator of the Universe is also the guy who drove Jessica Tandy around in Driving Miss Daisy.
*While Cher is, in fact, a Heterosexual, she does not belong to the species. Cher belongs 100 percent to gay men. More so than most gay men. Myself included.
*As I mentioned earlier, Heterosexuals love their pockets. So when shopping for a Heterosexual, remember: the more pockets the better.
*A wet T-shirt contest is an exhibitionist competition where Heterosexual Females wear white or light-colored T-shirts with nothing underneath, and allow someone to pour water on them, causing the shirts to cling to their exposed breasts, and feminists everywhere to roll over in their hypothetical graves. A team of judges, or the crowd’s reaction, will determine who wins. I’ve never been to a wet T-shirt contest, and it ranks on my list of Things I Never Want to See, just after World War III and Kevin James without pants on.
*A blacksmith is an old-time profession whereby one creates objects out of steel or wrought iron, which, in modern times, is often confused with Will Smith, an African-American actor who just so happens to have the last name Smith.
Heterosexual Feeding Habits
HETEROSEXUALS, LIKE ALL OTHER MEMBERS OF THE ANIMAL kingdom, love to eat. But the only difference is that Heterosexuals really love to eat. I’m talking eat. E.A.T. All-you-can-eat-baby-backribs-at-Chili’s-with-two-pitchers-of-margaritas-and-a-pound-of-bean-dip kind of eat.
Ever heard of Thanksgiving? It’s my favorite holiday and guess what? It comes from the genius minds of Heterosexuals. Why? To give thanks and all that crap, but more importantly to eat more in one meal than one human being should eat in the entire month of November. Heterosexuals have done the same thing with Christmas and the Fourth of July. Basically any holiday where you spend all day eating and celebrating is because of Heterosexuals. So the next time you spot a Heterosexual, remember to say thank-you.
It’s not just the holidays that the Heterosexuals have turned into food feasts; Heterosexuals are the people who thought up all-you-can-eat buffets, bottomless salads and breadsticks at Olive Garden, and cake pops (for the Heterosexual on the go who loves cake, but is too busy to spend all that time slicing a piece, finding a fork, and consuming all that icing).
They even created an entire TV channel called the Food Network where, no matter what time of day you turn it on, there is always a British gay guy or a heavyset woman telling you about some sort of delicious food treat that is meant to make the mouths of Heterosexuals water. The Food Network is the closest thing to porn that the giant fat guy from Lost is going to get.
Before we begin exploring the feeding patterns of the Heterosexual, it is important to understand that not all Heterosexuals enjoy an evening spent eating the kind of greasy food that requires a bib, two Zantacs, and a stent put in one’s heart. Far from it, the feeding patterns of Heterosexuals are as wide a variety as the T-shirt colors sold at American Apparel, but if you ask me, there’s nothing more annoying than a Heterosexual health nut.
However, I’m getting ahead of myself. Within the Heterosexual community, there are both carnivores and herbivores, and everything in between. I grew up in a carnivorous household, as my dad worked and still works in the poultry ind
ustry. My dad is fine with my being an internationally beloved gay icon of stage and screen, he’s fine with his hippie daughter, and he’s fine with both of us being bleeding-heart liberals, but I think if either one of us came home and announced we had become vegetarians, he’d literally fall over dead, or at the very least politely ask us to leave and never come back.
Many Heterosexuals, both carnivores and herbivores alike, consider themselves foodies, a term created by Heterosexuals with no real hobbies to speak of other than eating. Calling themselves foodies gives them an excuse to spend $400 for a dinner consisting of foods they can’t pronounce.
The following 10 food items are the most popular among the Heterosexual species, other than birthday cake, but everybody loves birthday cake (except for people who prefer pie and Jehovah’s Witnesses). If you come into contact with a hungry Heterosexual, provide him/her with one of the dishes on the next page.
The Top 10 Most Popular Heterosexual Foods
1. Their mom’s recipe for spaghetti sauce: Even when Heterosexuals aren’t Italian, they always swear their mom’s spaghetti sauce is the best there is. However, I hate to break it to you, but my mom’s is the best—and I’m not even a Heterosexual.