by Jeffery Self
2. Soul Food (a.k.a. food made famous and delicious by black people): Heterosexuals love to drive to parts of their towns they normally don’t go to and eat deliciously greasy foods cooked up by some of the greatest African-American cooks in the country whom no one will ever hear of until somebody gives them a reality show.
3. Potatoes: Whether fried or baked, we all know Heterosexuals love potatoes. (Just look at what happened to them in Ireland during the Great Potato Famine. Spoiler alert: It was not good.)
4. Coconut water: Ever since Rihanna started telling Heterosexuals to drink coconut water, they simply can’t stop, which marks the first and only time Heterosexuals will ever do what Rihanna tells them to do.
5. Hot wings: I’ll get into this in just a little bit, but it is too important not to mention more than once.
6. Popsicles: Everyone’s parents keep them in the house, but no one’s parents ever comment on how suggestive it is to watch someone actually eat one. And so it should always remain.
7. Chinese takeout: Based solely on what I’ve seen in movies and TV, Heterosexuals always eat Chinese takeout on the floor of their new homes any time they move into new houses or apartments. Think about every scene where a Heterosexual has just moved into a new place in any movie in the history of time, and then you will understand exactly what I’m talking about.
8. Pizza: Most commonly eaten in the middle of the night when Heterosexuals are too intoxicated to remember.
9. Hot dogs: Whether it’s at a baseball game, in someone’s backyard BBQ, or at a Nathan’s in their local mall, no Heterosexual carnivore can turn down a delicious hot dog. Or its cousin, the corn dog, which is just a hot dog dipped in batter and fried to a crisp. When I was a kid, I used to tell my peers that my dad invented the breakfast corn dog (a link sausage dipped in pancake batter and fried), but this was just a lie that didn’t succeed in helping me become popular.
10. And finally (and most importantly) Oreos: Arguably the greatest thing to come from Heterosexuals since Levi blue jeans or Brad Pitt’s abs in Fight Club. Hey, I said arguably.
Heterosexual Carnivores
The high sales of meat, the existence of heart disease, what my poultry-obsessed father has told me, and scientific studies all show that the majority of Heterosexuals are carnivorous creatures. These Heterosexuals enjoy the lush tastes of chicken, beef, pork, and, if the Heterosexual eats at expensive restaurants and/or is Chinese, duck. Here are some of the most popular dishes among Heterosexual Carnivores.
Cheeseburgers
Who doesn’t love a cheeseburger? Well, Alicia Silverstone,* for one, but that’s because she’s a communist (just kidding; she’s just annoying and a vegan, but we’ll get to that later). It is a proven fact that nothing makes a Heterosexual Male feel more like a man than grilling these delicious beef patties in the backyard on a hot summer day. Popular among Frat Boys (page 47), Married Couples (page 38), and the actor John Goodman.
Jerky
Quite possibly the most Heterosexual of all foods, jerky is a deliriously lean meat, cut into strips, and then dried to prevent spoilage. One could argue that jerky is simply meat after undergoing an autopsy, however, I beg to differ. Jerky is one of my favorite snacks and can be prepared with beef, pork, chicken, and even deer meat. One Christmas, my cousin Hal was really excited because he’d gotten a jerky machine from Santa; I was equally excited, but because Santa had brought me a VHS copy of Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods and a 100 percent Lycra Elvis costume and wig. Guess which one of us grew up to be a Heterosexual?
Bacon
If you’ve woken up in a Heterosexual’s house on a Saturday morning, then, first of all, how did you get there and are you OK?! And second of all, you’ve probably smelled bacon. Heterosexuals have a ritual within their feeding pattern that if they’re at home on a Saturday morning, they will without a doubt make bacon in a skillet while they watch Saturday morning cartoons. I can’t explain why; I can only say I approve.
Appetizer Sampler
If you’ve ever had dinner with a Heterosexual at a chain restaurant such as Applebee’s or Chili’s, then you’ve undoubtedly enjoyed an appetizer sampler. This dish, created by food-loving Heterosexuals, is a platter of delicious pre-entrée treats, such as fried chicken wings, French fries, egg rolls, fried wontons, and one of the most impressive Heterosexual inventions to date: the mozzarella stick. Leave it to the Heterosexuals to come up with frying cheese. Brilliant. Speaking of cheese . . .
Nachos
Now, you might be questioning my inclusion of this in the carnivorous category, however, no self-respecting Heterosexual has ever ordered nachos without adding beef or chicken. Nachos are a great Heterosexual food because you can whip them up in a hurry. Say you open your front door to find three of your closest straight friends having arrived unannounced. Whip up some nachos and open a couple cans of whatever beer your dad left in your fridge when he was visiting last December, then sit back as the Heterosexuals enjoy.
Chicken Potpie
Have you ever had chicken potpie made by anyone other than a Straight Person? I didn’t think so.
Gravy
Gravy is a gooey sauce that is either brown or off-white. I’m including that here because it is usually served on top of a meat (and sometimes biscuits). I am not sure where gravy comes from, and, to be honest, I don’t think I want to. Mainly because it’s something I’ve enjoyed for so long and something I can only assume is 1,000 percent terrible for me. That said, most Heterosexuals would eat an armchair if you covered it in gravy, but don’t actually try that because then you won’t have an armchair.
Chili
Chili is a very competitive food among Heterosexuals. All Heterosexuals have their own recipe, and all of them swear that theirs is the best. I’m fairly partial to the chili at Wendy’s, which is a dead giveaway that I don’t know much about chili, which is a dead giveaway that I’m not a Heterosexual, which (and this isn’t even related but it’s worth mentioning) is a dead giveaway that I saw the movie Mamma Mia in theaters. Twice. And I liked it. I liked it all, y’all. Chili is such a popular Heterosexual dish that entire competitions are held to determine whose recipe is the best. This type of Heterosexual event is called a chili cook-off.*
Crock-Pots
This isn’t a specific kind of food; however, Heterosexuals love cooking their meat in Crock-Pots, electric devices that slowly cook meat to juicy perfection. When asked why they love Crock-Pots, Heterosexuals will always reply, “It does all the work, and when I come home my house smells like roast beef!” Heterosexuals are one of the only species on planet Earth who desire a home that smells of roast beef.
Meat Loaf
Meat and carbs!!!
Hot Wings
Heterosexuals love these spicy, insanely messy to eat, delicious wings of small chickens. Especially when dipped in ranch dressing. These treats are usually served with a side of celery sticks that, when being served to a Heterosexual, will never be touched. I recently went out for wings with a Heterosexual Male I know, and when I reached for one of the celery sticks on the side of our wings basket, he looked at me as if I’d just whipped my penis out at a church picnic, then watched me, lost in thought, and said, “Hmm. I’ve just never seen anyone actually eat those before.”
Heterosexual Herbivores
Heterosexual Herbivores are a vastly different group within the species. These meat-free Heterosexuals tend to enjoy things like yoga, independent film, folk art portraits of Bob Dylan, and wearing the organic cotton clothing sold on racks next to those weird massage chairs by the condiment table at Whole Foods.
Oftentimes, Heterosexual Herbivores can be a little too boastful about their vegetarian lifestyle. The really aggressive types are usually members of the Raw Food Movement, which is when you only eat foods that are uncooked and raw. I’m all for healthy living (I own running shoes, or, rather, my boyfriend does, and they happen to fit me, too), but I think that the Raw Food Movement is taking things just
a little too far. But then again, who am I to judge? I made a sandwich out of stale graham crackers, grape jelly, and wasabi peas at 3 in the morning a few nights ago.
Here are some commonly enjoyed dishes among Heterosexual Herbivores.
Kale
Kale is the “in” food of the moment. It was all about pomegranates a few years ago, and for a brief period it was beets in the early 21st century, but nowadays it’s all hail kale!* Kale is a leafy green that is known for being extremely healthy and is recommended by all sorts of health officials and talking heads. Heterosexual Herbivores go nuts for this kind of thing, and, in turn, kale has become as popular among Heterosexuals as spinach once was with Popeye. But I think it’s safe to say that if Popeye were alive today, not only would he be under some intense investigation for steroid use, but he’d also totally trade in his can of spinach for a nice plate of kale. Oh, and Olive Oyl would totally be a lesbian.
Peanut Butter
If Jif Peanut Butter’s slogan is any indication, Choosy Moms always choose Jif Peanut Butter for their Heterosexual families. And if the six months I spent in college are any indication, 20-somethings who smoke far too much pot choose it, too.
Gluten-Free Pancakes
Most Heterosexual Herbivores hate gluten as much as Mario Lopez hates carbs. What is gluten?, you may ask. It comes from wheat and is found in many, many foods. No one really talked about it until a few years ago when literally overnight just about half the people I know announced they were allergic to gluten and could only eat gluten-free things from now on. I’m sure some people are allergic to gluten, but it definitely seems like the kind of thing people merely claim to be allergic to because they don’t like it. The way a lot of people do with mayonnaise by saying, “No mayo on the sandwich, I’m allergic” or the way I do with Nicki Minaj’s music by saying, “No Nicki Minaj, I’m allergic.”
Overpriced Cupcakes
Heterosexuals love to spend way too much money on cupcakes, and, honestly, who can blame them? Nothing says living like waiting in line for 10 minutes to pay $10 for a cupcake the size of a tennis ball. But a very, very delicious tennis ball.
Jasmine Rice
Jasmine rice is basically like any other rice except that it includes the word jasmine in its name. Heterosexuals enjoy requesting this rice at dinner to let their waiter know they are both worldly and a fan of Disney’s Aladdin.
Grilled Cheese
Nothing says comfort to the Heterosexual like a grilled cheese sandwich. Add in a bowl of thick, creamy tomato soup for dipping, and the Heterosexual in question will roll over and let you rub his or her belly. Does anyone know if Justin Timberlake likes grilled cheese, and, if so, what’s his address?
Egg Salad
I love almost all Heterosexual foods, but I draw the line at egg salad. Those two words together make my stomach turn. I like eggs and I like salad, but the two together sound pretty lethal to me. Heterosexuals, however, love egg salad, and enjoy making it for picnics and cookouts. My least favorite kind of cookout is when the only side options are egg salad or one of its ugly cousins, such as potato salad, pasta salad, or tuna salad. Sure, they use the word salad in their names, but all these dishes are just whatever the first word is, mixed with mayonnaise, and, to me, that is a criminal offense. The same thing goes for . . .
Coleslaw
Even the name bothers me, because you think it’s going to be coldslaw, but it’s not, it’s coleslaw. I have a friend named Cole and I love him, but I’ll be honest with you: It took some effort to get past his name reminding me of coleslaw. Slaw in and of itself is a pretty nasty word, too. You can imagine a world in which the term slaw could be used to describe any number of disgusting bodily functions. Instead, however, it is a side dish made from shredded veggies, and once mixed with the ever-popular mayonnaise, is called coleslaw, which makes about as much sense to me as if they called it shop doo wop pow wow zing!
Chefs Heterosexuals Love
Heterosexuals love food so much that they’ve made celebrities out of some of the best Heterosexual chefs in the business. These food icons have entire empires constructed of television shows, cookbooks, and popular food blogs. Many of them come from the aforementioned Food Network (page 156), but the food TV craze doesn’t stop there. These professional chefs have left an undeniable impact on the feeding patterns of all Heterosexuals:
Julia Child
Not just the basis for a really enjoyable Meryl Streep movie—God, I love that movie! Don’t you?—however, Julia Child was one of the first television food superstars, the original Iron Chef. She taught Heterosexuals how to cook deliciously classy French cuisine. Also, totally unrelated: She was like two inches taller than almost every actor then working in Hollywood.
Paula Deen
I love Paula Deen. She is best known for her adorable Southern charm and mouth-watering comfort food, and has made billions out of saying, “Now you’re gonna need half a cup of butter and half a cup of oil, y’all” 95 times a day. She hosts television shows, writes best-selling cookbooks, owns a line of cookware, and was even in a movie with Orlando Bloom a while back. However, before you get too excited, I’m legally obligated to mention that Kirsten Dunst was in that movie as well, and also Paula Deen has been diagnosed as diabetic. Sorry to ruin your day.
Guy Fieri
A Heterosexual Male who looks something like Paula Deen with a goatee. Known for his cooking shows and his unique trademark of wearing sunglasses on the back of his head for absolutely no reason whatsoever, Guy is all about hypermasculine food and energy, which leads many Heterosexual Watchers like myself to wonder just how small his penis really is.
Martha Stewart
First of all, I wish she were president. Second of all, she is a Heterosexual food mogul who cooks vastly different things than Guy or Paula. Martha Stewart caters to the Heterosexual who wishes to throw the classiest of Thanksgiving dinners or an elegant candlelit dinner party using things found in the Martha Stewart Home Collection at Kmart. Martha also went to prison for insider stock trading a few years back, and even worse, was played by Cybill Shepherd in not one but two made-for-TV movies.
Granny Smith
A world-famous Heterosexual known for being both a grandmother and a purveyor of apples.
Rachael Ray*
Somehow she’s extremely popular, however, I’ve never met anyone who actually enjoys her. Rachael Ray spends every morning teaching Heterosexuals how to cook meals in 30 minutes, making her extremely popular among busy moms and fugitives on the run.
Top Chef
Many Metropolitan Heterosexuals consider Top Chef to be the greatest show in television history, and they just might be right. Top Chef has made chefs famous the same way Keeping Up with the Kardashians has made Kim Kardashian famous. Except that no one on Top Chef has made a sex tape, and I suspect Kim Kardashian has never even been inside a kitchen.
Now most Heterosexuals are not celebrity chefs and instead are forced to come up with meals with whatever they have lying around or whatever was on sale at the grocery store. These Heterosexuals represent everyman’s pursuit of making a delicious meal out of a bottle of mustard and a box of noodles. Exploring a Heterosexual’s refrigerator can tell you a lot about said Heterosexual’s feeding patterns and the Heterosexual him- or herself. Check this out:
MY GLIMPSE INSIDE THE HETEROSEXUAL MALE’S REFRIGERATOR
I have arrived in the Heterosexual Male’s kitchen, and before I can even say hello, he offers me a beer, which I decline because it is 10 in the morning on a Monday.
Let’s begin with the door. I see magnetized bottle openers (including one that plays the theme song to The Dukes of Hazzard), one of those create-a-sentence magnet sets, which our Heterosexual Male has used to spell out the phrase take a dump with love Jim, surrounded by unpaid parking tickets, a Christmas card with someone’s baby on it, a handwritten reminder to “Call Back Alicia from that Mexican Restaurant in the Valley,” and a calendar from 2009.
&n
bsp; Things inside the fridge include:
A take-out container marked Moo Shoo Pork, on which the Heterosexual Male has written “Throw out by Friday.” Today is Monday.
An entire drawer of Coors Light.
One empty bottle of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray, which I am told not to throw away.
A bottle of champagne with a price sticker marked $6.99, which the Heterosexual Male tells me he’s saving for a special occasion.
A jar of pickles, which the Heterosexual Male opens and eats from three times in the short period that I’m there.
A bottle of Sriracha, which the Heterosexual Male claims he puts on everything from waffles to spaghetti.
A liter bottle of a soda I’ve never tried in my life called Squirt, which might be the most disgusting soda name I can come up with next to Straight-Up Urine in a Bottle.
In this particular refrigerator, I discover a shelf that is common in refrigerators owned by Heterosexual Males, and that is the very important Girlfriend Shelf.