Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals
Page 10
What Is the Girlfriend Shelf?
As we all know, Heterosexual Males and Females can be very different. (Remember Dharma and Greg? Really? OK. Well, you didn’t miss much.) Everything from hygiene to feeding patterns is different between the two sexes, and, oftentimes, when a Heterosexual Male and Female who are in a relationship where the two involved parties do not live together, the Heterosexual Female stakes out a designated area within the Heterosexual Male’s home called the Girlfriend Shelf.
In a Heterosexual Male’s home, you are likely to find more than one Girlfriend Shelf; in fact, sometimes you can find up to three Girlfriend Shelves in one household. They are:
The Bedroom Girlfriend Shelf: Also known (in some subcultures) as the Bedroom Girlfriend Drawer. On this shelf (or in this drawer), the Heterosexual Female will usually keep a handful of personal clothing items, including a couple pairs of underwear, socks, a comfortable T-shirt to watch television in, and an extra pair of jeans, as well as something nice enough to wear to brunch if she ends up sleeping over on a Friday and forgets to bring a spare dress. The Heterosexual Female will create a micro version of her own closet, staking out her ground, and, if you ask me, taking a bold risk by leaving a pair of $200 jeans in the same apartment as a guy who owns every single season of Power Rangers on DVD.
The Bathroom Girlfriend Shelf: Found inside the shower or medicine cabinet, this shelf houses all the Heterosexual Female’s hygiene products, including shampoo, conditioner (the Heterosexual Male will only be able to provide the bottle of shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one that he purchased at the dollar store), lady soap (beyond my realm of expertise, but ladies tend to smell really nice: Good job, ladies!), Midol, tampons, and lady deodorant. (This is totally unrelated, but I’ve been using women’s Dove deodorant since high school and literally didn’t realize it was for women until about three months ago—which still hasn’t stopped me from using it, by the way.)
And the aforementioned:
Refrigerator Girlfriend Shelf: On this shelf, the Heterosexual Female will keep the food she likes to eat, but that the Heterosexual Male never thinks to buy—things like fresh fruit, individual packets of cream cheese, a bottle of white wine, and a six-pack of that Activia yogurt that makes Jamie Lee Curtis so excited about pooping on TV commercials all the time.
Before we move on, it is pop quiz time! I’ll bet you thought I forgot, didn’t you? Well, then, you don’t know me at all!
The Heterosexual SAT #3:
True or False
This round of our Heterosexual SAT will be True or False. Please answer the questions truthfully, then consult the answer guide to see how you did before moving on.
EXAMPLE:
American Horror Story and Nashville star Connie Britton is most known for her one-woman show about vampires called Connie Bitten.
True
False
Answer: False
1. The term foodies is used to describe a group of sexually liberated Heterosexuals who enjoy using food during sexual activities.
True
False
2. The appetizer samplers that Heterosexuals enjoy in chain restaurants always include a pack of chewing gum and a pair of edible panties.
True
False
3. Country superstar Carrie Underwood doesn’t just have the voice of an angel and legs for literally days, she is also a Heterosexual Herbivore.
True
False
4. My father is so obsessed with raw food that he won’t even walk by a grocery store, because he can smell the pesticides and ovens.
True
False
5. My mom does a lot of shopping at Chico’s.
True
False
6. Jerky is the state fruit of Alabama.
True
False
7. Paula Deen should run for president.
True
False
(Before you answer this one, think about how much fun those debates would be.)
8. I, Jeffery Self, find Heterosexual Herbivore Alicia Silverstone to be a bit much.
True
False
9. Marley and Me is a documentary about Bob Marley and Mimi Rogers.
True
False
10. Kale is so “in” that Hipsters have started to resent it.
True
False
ANSWERS:
1. F; 2. F; 3. T; 4. F; 5. T; 6. F; 7. T; 8. T; 9. F; 10. T
*Alicia Silverstone is a Heterosexual who was quite famous in the mid-1990s after starring in the successful comedy Clueless. She was great in this movie and went on to have a successful film career, but around the time that she started talking about natural childbirth on every talk show she went on, her career sort of peaked and now she mostly pops up at antifur fund-raisers and anywhere that supports public breast-feeding. By the way, why the hell haven’t they made a Clueless 2 yet?! It is still not too late, Hollywood insiders!
*A chili cook-off is a daylong cookout where numerous teams compete to prove that they have the best chili recipe there is. My dad and I used to go to the chili cook-off in my hometown together. A lot of people would camp out, but we neverdid, most likely because any time my dad mentioned camping, I assumed he meant my performing a Bette Davis impersonation. We’d always attend the competition and sample all the entries, leaving with historically bad gas and stomachs that still haven’t started feeling right again.
*The All Hail Kale is an actual salad sold at Veggie Grill in Los Angeles—which is a fabulous place to spot famous Heterosexual Herbivores like Casey Affleck, Avril Lavigne, and Candice Bergen.
*I listened to a podcast once where Rachael Ray admitted to drinking a bottle of wine all by herself every night and then “just running it off on the treadmill” the next morning before hosting her live television show. My kind of girl.
Heterosexual Culture
WHILE ONLY A SELECT NUMBER OF HETEROSEXUALS ENJOY THE musical styling of country music singer Martina McBride, all Heterosexuals agree on many of the same things. For example, all Heterosexuals have seen the James Cameron movie Titanic, and if you ever come across a Heterosexual who claims he hasn’t, then he’s either lying or has suffered a serious case of amnesia, in which case, call 9-1-1 before it turns into a situation like the movie Fifty First Dates starring Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler, a movie about a guy who falls in love with a girl who has suffered amnesia, and every time they hang out he’s forced to make her fall in love with him all over again. If there’s one thing more exhausting than Drew Barrymore, it is Drew Barrymore playing someone who can’t remember anyone she knows, where she’s from, or how to open a can of SpaghettiOs.
Considering that all Heterosexuals have seen Titanic, take a look at this graph chronicling how they feel about the Academy Award–winning super hit that made Leonardo DiCaprio the fantasy of all teenage girls for most of the late 1990s. Or rather, until Ryan Phillippe came around.
How Heterosexuals Feel about Titanic
You see, while many Heterosexuals have their own take on Titanic, they’ve all seen it, and they all feel something. Let’s take a look at another popular film that any self-respecting Heterosexual is required to see.
Heterosexuals Who Have Seen The Notebook and Why
Pretty interesting stuff, huh? Well, here’s one more that is slightly different.
Heterosexuals Who Have Seen Burlesque and Why
See how that works? In the case of Titanic and The Notebook, you’ve got a movie specifically made for Heterosexuals, and in the case of Burlesque, you’ve got a movie made for an extremely small portion of Heterosexuals and drag queens who have grown tired after having watched their DVD of Showgirls* 500 times.
While we’re on the topic of Heterosexual cinema, a fantastic way to learn about Heterosexuals is from their Netflix movie queues.
Heterosexuals and Movies
What a person watches can tell you a lot about whose team they’re batt
ing for. Here are some movie titles that should serve as immediate red flags that you’ve spotted a Heterosexual.
Marley and Me
A heartwarming tale of when Heterosexuals get a dog and have kids. Spoiler alert: One of the title characters dies, and it’s not Me.
Bride Wars
An underrated comedy starring Goldie Hawn’s daughter and the girl who isn’t Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.
Cast Away
What can I say? For Heterosexuals, it goes: God, Tom Hanks,* and the President of the United States—in that order of importance. Also, Helen Hunt is in this, and Heterosexuals love her. Or rather, they did in the mid-1990s.
The Bridges of Madison County
Middle-aged Heterosexuals have sex and look at old bridges! It is, without a doubt, your mom’s favorite movie.
The Lord of the Rings
Heterosexuals love a reason to line up for something in the middle of the night, and this series provided that for the nerdiest of Heterosexuals. I’ve never seen any of these movies, but only because they’re so long. And unless Barbra Streisand is going to sing “I’m the Greatest Star,” I’m not all that interested in sitting through a three-and-a-half-hour movie.
???
That movie where Julianne Moore plays the lady who makes pies in Ohio (can’t remember the name and not going to look it up).
P.S. I Love You
Never seen it, but anytime I say something about not caring for Hilary Swank,* a Heterosexual friend will argue, “But what about P.S. I Love You?!”
The Civil War: A Film by Ken Burns
Nobody likes to spend 10 hours with old people talking about the Civil War more than Heterosexuals and masochists.
Any and Every Adam Sandler Movie
Somebody is buying tickets to those movies, and it ain’t me—or RuPaul.
27 Dresses*
This is a universally enjoyed movie, and one that represents a hopeful time in America before we realized what a monster Katherine Heigl is.
Forrest Gump
This movie manages to combine two of the things mentioned above that Heterosexuals love the most: Tom Hanks and the president. Oh! And oldies music! Heterosexuals love oldies music.
Heterosexuals and Music
Movies aren’t the only cultural interest of Heterosexuals—far from it, in fact. Heterosexuals enjoy all sorts of television, writing, music, and art. I recently interviewed a Heterosexual Male at my local record store to find out more about Heterosexual music.
Me: Why is it that all Heterosexuals enjoy Kings of Leon?
Heterosexual: Well, have you ever listened to their music?
Me: No.
Heterosexual: They are awesome!
Me: OK, right. But who are they?
Heterosexual: They’re a band; they write rock music; and it’s really catchy.
Me: Are they actual kings?
Heterosexual: No.
Me: Are they from any sort of royal, aristocratic background?
Heterosexual: No. They’re a band.
Me: Yes. From Leon. Which brings me to my other question: Where is Leon? And what kind of city is it?
Heterosexual: Leon isn’t a city.
Me: Oh. So is it a country?
Heterosexual: No.
Me: Ah. It’s a continent.
(The Heterosexual walks away.)
What did I learn from this conversation? Well, for one, that the Kings of Leon should actually be known as the Common Civilians of the Fictitious Leon, but also that you can’t expect me to explain every single facet of the Heterosexual Lifestyle. Er, wait . . . that is the point of this book. Listen, these are the same people responsible for pajama jeans and Fergie, so just go with it.
Speaking of Fergie, celebrities are beloved among Heterosexuals, especially attractive ones. After all, Heterosexuals are human. Like any other species, all Heterosexuals have their ultimate celebrity crushes. For the record, my celebrity crushes are Matthew McConaughey and Suze Orman. (I obviously have a type.) However, mass surveys show the celebrities on the next pages are the most common celebrity crushes among Heterosexuals.
Celebrity Crushes of the Heterosexual Male
Celebrity Crushes of the Heterosexual Female
Heterosexuals and Reading
I am constantly being asked the same question: “Can Heterosexuals read?” And my answer is always the same: “Except for Heidi Montag, and the character Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire, yes, of course Heterosexuals can read.” In fact, Heterosexuals are responsible for some of the most successful books of all time, like the extremely popular Fifty Shades of Grey series.
What Is Fifty Shades of Grey?
This is a trilogy chronicling an S&M relationship between two Heterosexuals that was originally written as fan fiction for another literary Heterosexual staple known as the Twilight series, which profiles a group of teenage vampires and werewolves who have a lot of sex for people their age. Fifty Shades of Grey takes readers on one woman’s journey into sexual exploration, opening up Heterosexuals’ eyes to the kind of shocking sexual adventure that Madonna calls “a Tuesday.”
Why Is Fifty Shades of Grey So Popular Among Heterosexual Females?
The short answer is because it is something sexy to think about, but the long answer is much more complicated and would require me to tie you up and whip you, neither of which I’m prepared to do at this time. Sorry! I’ve got a mani/pedi appointment at two.
Of course, Heterosexuals read other novels besides Fifty Shades of Grey, just not in recent history. One thing that never changes, though, is the Heterosexual’s passion for magazines. Heterosexuals love magazines, and a lot can be learned about the Heterosexual culture from the ones they read.
Playboy
Second to Hugh Hefner himself, Playboy is one of America’s oldest and creepiest institutions.
Maxim
Playboy, without the boobs and franchise of hit reality television shows that I watch pretty much anytime I’m at home and awake.
People
No one likes to know where Kristen Stewart buys her smoothies more than Heterosexuals. Jamba Juice, by the way.
Men’s Fitness
Unlike myself, Heterosexual Males actually use these 200 pages of gorgeous male bodies for . . . fitness.
O
Two words: Oprah Winfrey.
The New Yorker
Geared toward metropolitan Heterosexuals who read this while drinking delicious, overpriced espressos and looking down on the Midwest.
Martha Stewart Living
Mom porn.
Elle
Two hundred pages on the perfect summer top.
Details
This barely makes the list, as it is technically a magazine geared toward Metrosexuals, however, spend more than a minute with it, and you’ll realize it’s literally the gayest magazine since Neil Patrick Harris’s monthly newsletter.*
Time
Where the Heterosexual goes to find out just how fucked up our world is on a week-to-week basis.
Sports Illustrated
To be perfectly honest, I have never even touched a copy of Sports Illustrated, but I assume it’s about sports and possibly illustrations.
Rolling Stone
A platform for famous Heterosexual singers to make such regrettable statements as John Mayer’s “I’d never have sex with a black woman.”
Paper
Where Heterosexual Hipsters find out what they’re supposed to be obsessed with this week.
The New York Times Book Review
Where readers can find a glowing review of this book that praises author Jeffery Self as the next Danielle Steel!*
Real Simple
For Heterosexuals who enjoy gay people telling them what to do with their home.
Seventeen
This magazine is full of teen heartthrob photos and is most popular among teenage Heterosexual Females. However, I’m fairly certain the first time my family suspected I wa
s gay was when all six copies of Seventeen with Leonardo DiCaprio cover stories went missing from my sister’s room and turned up hidden between my box spring and mattress.
The Top 10 Modern Heterosexuals You Should Know
1. Meryl Streep: The most important Heterosexual of all time.
2. Meryl Streep’s mother: The second most important Heterosexual of all time.
3. Oprah: Duh.
4. Barack Obama: He is the first African-American president, and he is also really good friends with Oprah! (See above.)
5. Sarah Palin: She was almost elected vice president of the United States, but more importantly is the only woman to have been played on television by both Tina Fey and Julianne Moore.
6. Cap’n Crunch: One of my personal favorite Heterosexuals.
7. Tom Cruise: Yeah, I know.