Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals

by Jeffery Self

  Old Ball and Chain noun. This is another situation in which the words mean something other than what you think. Heterosexuals like to refer to their marital partner as “my old ball and chain” in a sarcastic and humorous tone. Do not, under any circumstances, automatically assume that the Heterosexual is referring to S&M sex, as this will not go over well at all. Especially if you’re talking to your uncle Rob about your aunt Suzanne. Trust me on this one, you guys.

  Skort noun. Popular among Heterosexual Female tennis players, this is the fashion version of shampoo and conditioner in one bottle, pairing shorts and a skirt into one highly functional and highly unattractive fashion statement.

  Sup Another example of Heterosexual verbal efficiency, this word is short for the question “What’s up?”—a strange term that was created sometime in the past 50 years as another way of asking, “What’s going on with you?” but, like, who has the time to say that many words at once? I certainly don’t, and I have no life whatsoever.

  Talbots noun. A clothing store popular among Heterosexual Females in their 50s and 60s. This Heterosexual one-stop shop is the perfect place to get slacks with elastic waists, chunky plastic jewelry, and oversized silk blouses that tell the world, “I’m a grandmother of three, and I like being comfortable!”*

  That Time of the Month noun. A term used by Heterosexual Females to politely describe their monthly menstrual cycle. The female might say, “I’m feeling bloated because it’s that time of the month,” or “I’m having the worst cramps because it’s that time of the month,” while Heterosexual Males might say, “Put the gun down, Alice. I know it’s that time of the month, but I didn’t know you had planned on eating that last Double Stuf Oreo!”

  The Game noun. This term refers to a specific sports game, though the sport itself is never referred to. Instead, a Heterosexual might invite you over by asking, “I’m having some guys over to watch The Game. Wanna come?” Your answer should always be an immediate “No,” or else you’ll be spending your entire Sunday trying to figure out if all football games have a redeeming halftime show that may or may not feature Madonna, or if that’s just the Super Bowl. Spoiler alert: That’s just the Super Bowl.

  How to Communicate with a Heterosexual

  For the longest time, I wasn’t sure how to speak to Heterosexuals. I was constantly worried that I’d say the wrong thing, like asking them, “What is it like to have sexual relations with someone so physically different from you?” or, “Do you actually enjoy Showtime’s Homeland? You can tell me the truth. No one is listening.”

  Communicating with a Heterosexual isn’t nearly as difficult as it seems. There are just some important rules to follow. First and foremost, here is a list of topics to avoid while attempting to communicate with a Heterosexual. These topics will be met with dead stares and/or uncomfortable silence:

  Your favorite parts of Diane Keaton’s memoir.

  America’s marriage/divorce ratio.

  The third season of The L Word.

  How Jane Krakowski deserves more respect.

  Sequins.

  The fact that Marilu Henner has that weird disease where she can remember every moment of her life.

  Fog machines and/or disco balls.

  Men’s Uggs.

  That super-flamboyant eight-year-old you just discovered on YouTube who sings amazing Lady Gaga covers and calls himself Lady Fierce.

  Michael Kors.

  Glee.

  Any line from the movie Steel Magnolias.

  The Heterosexual is used to communicating with other Heterosexuals, so when you approach one to start a conversation, try one of these familiar greetings:

  Hey, Jake! Who are your Fantasy Football* picks this year?

  Natalie, you’re too skinny!

  You’ve seen Knocked Up, right?

  How’s my dawg?!

  I wasn’t sure about Lena Dunham, but then I was like, wow! she gets me.

  Want a beer?

  Yo, bro!

  Sorry I’m late. Dealing with my mother-in-law.

  Conversing with a Heterosexual Male

  Prepare to exit your comfort zone; you are now entering Heterosexual territory. To help you along, I’ve dramatized an assortment of possible conversations with Heterosexuals.

  Non-Heterosexual: Hello, Gary.

  Heterosexual Male: Hi, Richard. How are you?

  Non-Heterosexual: I’m well! I just got done watching the first season of Ally McBeal on Netflix streaming.

  (The Heterosexual scratches his head and stands awkwardly, not saying anything. The Non-Heterosexual can either remain silent, run away, or offer one of the following changes of subject.)

  “But you know who’s great? Gavin DeGraw.”

  “Hey, did I tell you my sister-in-law is pregnant again?”

  Or the always dependable: “Could you go for some wings?”

  In the instance above, the Non-Heterosexual got himself into a predicament by immediately mentioning something the Heterosexual wouldn’t relate to. Sometimes the Heterosexual causes the problem from the get-go. Either way, when dealing with Heterosexuals, you should always be prepared to eat at least 12 wings.

  On Sports

  Heterosexual: Hey, Richard. Did you see Derek Jeter on Leno last night?

  Now, in this situation, the Heterosexual has definitely thrown you a curveball. Not only do you not watch Jay Leno, but you also have absolutely no idea who Derek Jeter is. You can either (A) admit you have no idea what he’s talking about, (B) lie and say, “Yes, Jay is such a riot,” or (C) use your phone to google Mr. Jeter and discover that he’s the guy who was rumored to be dating Madonna for, like, two days back in 2006. However, when doing the latter, your attempts to steer the conversation toward discussing Madonna’s black hair in A League of Their Own are highly discouraged.

  Conversing with a Heterosexual Female

  Conversations with the Heterosexual Female can be a bit trickier. She is more likely to solicit advice or opinions, so be prepared or things could go terribly wrong.

  On Clothing

  Heterosexual Female: Hey, Richard. Do you like this shirt?

  Non-Heterosexual: Sure, it’s cute.

  Heterosexual Female: But like, is it just cute or is it hot? I want to look really good for my date with Max tonight. Non-Heterosexual: Yeah, it’s hot.

  Heterosexual Female: Are you sure? I feel like the blue one might be hotter.

  Time-out! You may not know it, but you’re walking into a conversational land mine. The fate of this Heterosexual Female’s night is in your hands, and if it doesn’t live up to expectations, you could potentially be blamed for an unsuccessful date, a lifetime of loneliness, or the cold she caught because you didn’t suggest that she wear a sweater. Your answer should be:

  Non-Heterosexual: Yeah. Go with the blue.

  Heterosexual Female: So this one looks bad?

  See how she got you there? Do not, under any circumstances, answer, “Yes, that one looks bad.” Never and I repeat never tell a Heterosexual Female that she looks bad.

  Non-Heterosexual: No. I love this one, but I also love the blue.

  Heterosexual Female: But you think this one isn’t as sexy?

  Non-Heterosexual: No, I think they’re both sexy.

  Heterosexual Female: Now I feel like you’re just saying that.

  She’s now backed you into a corner, and there are only two ways to respond: (A) Negate everything by saying, “I was wrong. The blue is perfect. You have to wear it” or (B) “I saw Sofía Vergara wear something just like that in People magazine.”

  Heterosexual Female: Oh. Are you sure?

  At this point, no matter what you’ve just told her, you should quickly nod with a look of deep concentration and say, “Yes. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.”

  On Guys

  The Heterosexual Female will most likely come to you with concern over the Heterosexual Male in her life. You may be thinking, “Oh! That’s easy! I give great
dating advice.” But don’t forget that the Heterosexual Female’s dating patterns are very different from anyone else’s, and must be discussed with the kind of skill and focus reserved for open-heart surgery or writing a really good musical comedy like Guys and Dolls or High School Musical 3.

  Heterosexual Female: Hey, can I talk to you?

  Always answer yes here. If you say no, you’ll spend more time explaining why than you would have listening to what she needed to say in the first place. I don’t care what time your therapist appointment is.

  Non-Heterosexual: Of course, Amber. What’s up?

  Heterosexual Female: You know that guy I’ve been seeing?

  At this point, you might be inspired to ask, “Which one?” as Amber is “that kind of girl,” but avoid any such statement, as this will result in an hourlong discussion as to whether or not you think Amber is a slut. Maybe you do think Amber is a slut, maybe Amber thinks she’s a slut, and, let’s be honest, maybe Amber is a slut, but the last thing she needs is her friend Jeffery pointing that out. Especially since Jeffery is a slut, too.

  Non-Heterosexual: Sure. What about him?

  Heterosexual Female: Well, we had this amazing night last weekend. We went to the modern art museum, and we had this fabulous dinner, but then, after he left the next morning, I never heard from him again. And that was over a week ago.

  We all know what’s going on here—even Amber, though she doesn’t want to admit it. This guy wasn’t looking to date Amber, and there’s about zero chance she’s going to hear from him again until she bumps into him at a New Year’s Eve party two years from now and makes the same mistake all over again. But you, her friend, shouldn’t say this. I don’t care how many people bought He’s Just Not That into You; nobody, especially your Heterosexual Female friend, wants to hear that. Instead, you should say:

  Non-Heterosexual: Can I be honest with you, Amber?

  Heterosexual Female: Yes.

  Non-Heterosexual: I didn’t want to tell you because I love you, but I got a really, really weird vibe from that guy.

  At this point, Amber will be shocked, but, even better, distracted. She thought this guy was the love of her life, and it is best not to go into any details on your theory, as it will only hurt her even further, and, more importantly, you still have no idea which guy you’re talking about.

  Heterosexual Female: Oh my God. Like how?

  This is where it’s going to get tough, but here are five ways to answer and wrap up the conversation in one swift move.

  1. “He just seems, I don’t know, shady.”

  2. “He gave my friend Stacey crabs.” This will work even if your Heterosexual friend knows your other friend Stacey, as, let’s face it, anybody with a name like Stacey has probably had crabs.

  3. “I’m pretty sure I made out with him in college.”

  4. “Oh gurl, you don’t even want to know!” This one works best if you wave your hands around on “Oh gurl.”

  5. Or, tap your nostril, look around as if you’re being watched, then mouth “coke.”

  Communicating with a Heterosexual is one of the trickiest parts of the Heterosexual-Watching process. However, if you have an open mind and, undoubtedly, at some point can discuss NASCAR or the latest Resident Evil movie, or in the case of the Heterosexual Female, discuss how smug she thinks Taylor Swift seems, you will be completely and totally prepared.

  Now we’re nearing the end of this book, and our precious time together. You’ve learned a lot so far, and I know what you’re probably beginning to ask yourself: “Am I a Heterosexual?!?”

  Shhh. Why so panicked? If there’s anything I’ve taught you thus far, it’s that being a Heterosexual is totally OK. It’s 100 percent natural and nowadays wholeheartedly accepted. Honestly. Some Heterosexuals have gone on to do great things, and to any Heterosexuals out there struggling with who they are, I promise you that it does get better.

  It doesn’t have to be so hard to determine whether or not you are a Heterosexual. In fact, you could just ask yourself the questions in this next quiz, the last section of our Heterosexual SATs.

  The Heterosexual SAT #5:

  Am I a Heterosexual?

  1. Have you ever had sex with a person of the opposite sex?

  2. How many times?

  3. While doing so, how often have you (if you’re male) fantasized about Hugh Jackman, or (if you’re female) Charlize Theron?

  4. Have you ever seen The Wiz?

  5. Have you ever heard of The Wiz?

  6. Have you ever been in a production of The Wiz?

  7. What’s your astrological sign? (This really doesn’t apply, but I’d just like to get to know you better.)

  8. Which is your favorite NFL team?

  9. If you don’t watch football, explain why.

  10. Do you often think about that scene in The First Wives Club when they fall 50 stories in a window-washing platform?

  11. But do you prefer the scene in The First Wives Club where Bette Midler pours all of Goldie Hawn’s liquor down the sink?

  12. If you’re male: Who’s your favorite Victoria’s Secret model? If you’re female: What are your thoughts on Mark Ruffalo?

  13. Have you ever used the phrase I can’t, I have rehearsal in reference to either community theater or modern dance?

  14. Look at your Facebook profile and count how many pictures you have of yourself wearing a beret.

  15. Who is Emmitt Smith?

  16. Have you ever heard of the TV show Hillbilly Hand Fishin’?

  17. When you think of Sharon Stone, do you think of how she didn’t do much of anything but host AIDS fundraisers throughout the late 1990s?

  18. When you refer to Academy Award–winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, do you use his full name or the hyperpersonal Lance?

  19. Who won Project Runway in 2010?

  20. Who’s your favorite Mama Rose in Gypsy? (Again, just curious.)

  ANSWERS:

  If you answered yes to question 1, you are a Heterosexual.

  If you answered 0 to question 2, you are definitely not a Heterosexual.

  If you answered 0 to question 3, you are most definitely a Heterosexual.

  If you have been deemed a Heterosexual by question 3 and have also answered yes to questions 4 and 5, you simply have great taste.

  If you answered yes to question 6, who did you play, and is there video footage? Call me and let me know.

  If you can answer question 8, you are most likely a Heterosexual.

  If you answered anything but “I prefer baseball” to question 9, you’re probably not a Heterosexual.

  If you answered yes to questions 10 and 11, you are not a Heterosexual.

  If you can answer question 12, you’re a Heterosexual.

  If you answered yes to question 13, you are not a Heterosexual.

  If you answered anything more than “once, but it was on a dare” to question 14, you are not a Heterosexual.

  The correct answer to question 15: A very famous former NFL football player. And knowing that, obviously makes you a Heterosexual.

  If you answered yes to question 16, you are a Heterosexual with suspicious taste.

  If you answered yes to question 17, you are not a Heterosexual.

  If you can answer question 18, you are as gay as they come, and you probably know movie director Bryan Singer, too. And me, now that I think about it.

  If you know the answer to question 19, you are a female.

  Question 20 has no right or wrong answer, unless you said the made-for-TV version with Bette Midler, in which case: Ew.

  And, finally, if you’re too confused, tired, or lazy to figure out this quiz (and I don’t blame you), rip out this page and use it to make a paper football. If you know how to do this, you are a Heterosexual.

  *Except, of course, when the Heterosexual Female inevitably falls head-over-heels in love with the Heterosexual Male. Happens every time.

  *Lesbians are great, especially Ellen DeGeneres, Rac
hel Maddow, Rosie O’Donnell, and Queen Latifah’s girlfriend.

  **Terms of Endearment is also a fantastic movie starring Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger. In one of Shirley MacLaine’s 500 memoirs, she writes about this weird day on set when Debra Winger held her down and farted in her face. It’s a must-read for all folks who consider themselves part of the human race.

  *A note on Elderly Heterosexuals: There are many Elderly Heterosexuals out there in the world, and while this book isn’t meant to focus on them, I recommend watching the hit television series The Golden Girls to learn anything and everything about them. Just be prepared to hear Rue McClanahan talk a lot about sex in a way that is bound to make you extremely uncomfortable and unsure about growing old.

  *Here is how Fantasy Football is described by Wikipedia: “An interactive virtual competition in which people manage professional football players versus one another and that allows people to act as general managers of a pseudo-football team.” Still confused? Yeah, I thought so. Basically, you know how you and your friends sit around and imagine what would happen if you made a movie about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with your fantasy cast and who would play who and what would happen? It’s basically like that, except you don’t get to imagine how great Kristin Chenoweth or Melissa Leo would be at playing Kim Richards.