‘If I were to meet her, I’d want everything to be out in the open.’
‘That’s your decision, Marie. Do you want me to set up a meeting then?’
She sighed. ‘Not yet. Look, I’ve been thinking. I’ll write her a letter first — care of you. I’ll try to put it all down: make her see how I felt all those years ago, that I had no choice but to let her and Sarah go. After that, if she still wants to meet me, then we’ll take it from there.’
‘I think that’s a very good idea, Marie. I’ll wait to get the letter and I’ll pass it on straight away. But if I’m any judge of character, I’ve a feeling she’ll still want to meet you.’
‘Well, we’ll wait and see. Tell her I shan’t blame her if she wants to forget the whole thing once she knows.’
‘You’re sure you’re all right, Marie?’
‘I’m sure.’
‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too.’
‘I’ll talk to you soon then, eh?’
‘Yes. Soon, I hope. Goodbye, Hannah. And thanks.’
*
It was well after midnight when Marie finally put down her pen. The wastepaper basket at her feet was full of crumpled half-written attempts at telling her story in a way that sounded sincere. She had torn up her first efforts, seeing them as bizarre, self-pitying and melodramatic. She didn’t want her unknown daughter to think of her as a victim, weak and ineffectual. She had loved Liam with all her young girl’s heart. She would have done anything for him — anything except the act of brutal, suicidal terrorism he had so cruelly schemed to trick her into. Writing it all down proved to be painful as well as difficult. It brought back all the half-healed agonies and opened afresh the wounds. And yet looking back on it now she saw with startling clear-sightedness that but for her pregnancy she might well have died all those years ago. Blown to pieces along with God only knew how many other innocent victims. It was only her own physical vulnerability that had saved her life, the lives of her unborn children and untold others on that fateful day at Paddington Station. Seeing some good in the situation helped and, satisfied at last, she sealed and addressed the envelope, ready to post first thing in the morning. Now it was in the laps of the gods, she told herself.
*
It was towards the end of the Friday lunchtime rush that Hannah came into Bella’s Ristorante. Leah’s heart quickened when she saw the tall, slim figure take a seat at the table by the window. As their eyes met she knew instinctively that Hannah was not here to eat. She had news and Leah couldn’t wait to finish serving so that they could talk.
Franco’s young sister Asunta had arrived from Italy a few weeks ago, to take care of little Paulo so that Anna could resume full-time work downstairs. Sadly, the arrangement wasn’t working out. Asunta was young and could be slipshod. There were constant rows over badly washed clothes and inadequately aired nappies. Poor Franco seemed in a permanent state of anguish as he tried to keep the peace between his wife and sister, and Leah was for ever closing the doors in an attempt to shut out the shrill exchanges between the two women that floated down from the flat above. Since Paulo’s birth she found herself doing more and more of the cooking, which she enjoyed, but trying to divide herself effectively between the kitchen and restaurant was becoming increasingly difficult. To add to the stress of the situation, Joe had become totally captivated by the seductive, dark-eyed Asunta and repeatedly took her side, accusing his sister of bullying and unfairness. Upstairs in the flat the atmosphere became more and more Latin as the family quarrelled vociferously. And for Leah, life at Bella’s became more fraught with every day that passed.
At last the two remaining customers paid and left. As was her custom, Leah saw them out, opening the door and bidding them ‘Arrivederci’. Then she turned her attention eagerly towards Hannah.
‘Sorry to keep you waiting. Can I get you anything? Coffee or a glass of wine?’
‘Nothing, thanks.’ Hannah opened her handbag. ‘I just came to give you this.’ She passed Marie’s letter across the table. ‘I’ve been in touch with your mother and she has written this for you. She feels you should read it before you make up your mind about wanting to meet her.’
‘Oh — but why?’ Leah fingered the envelope apprehensively. ‘Does this mean she doesn’t want to see me?’
‘On the contrary. She wants very much to meet you, Leah. But I’m sure the letter will make it all clear.’ Hannah stood up and laid a hand on Leah’s arm. ‘What she has to tell you will probably come as a shock. Think carefully before you make your mind up.’ She smiled. ‘I have to go now. Give me a ring in a few days’ time. Remember what I said. Don’t let your emotions take control.’
Leah watched her go. In the short time she had known Hannah she had come to admire and look up to her. She always looked so cool and self-assured in spite of the stressful nature of her work. She invariably managed to look elegant too. Leah watched her pause in the doorway to put up the collar of her Burberry raincoat and open her umbrella against the icy November rain. Then, with a final wave, she was gone.
The square white envelope lay temptingly on the table. On it her name was written in a clear, round hand. Her mother’s hand. How odd that this was the first time she had ever seen it. Leah fingered the envelope. It was thick with the folded sheets inside. The letter must be a long one. What could be in it? But she had no time to read it now. There were tables to clear and re-lay, as well as all the clearing up to do. Already she could hear the clatter of dishes from the kitchen as Joe helped Franco to stack the dishwasher. Then there was the preparation for this evening’s menu. It would be at least an hour and a half before she could go home. Picking up the letter she tucked it into her apron pocket and went off to the kitchen.
At Melbury Street Bill and Terry were in the kitchen. She heard their voices as she let herself in at the basement door. Looking into the kitchen, she found them eating a late lunch together and wrinkled her nose at the smell of fish and chips.
‘You two will ruin your digestive systems,’ she told them.
Bill looked up with a grin. ‘Leave it out, Lee. Best grub in the world, good old British fish and chips.’ He waved his knife towards the Aga. ‘More in the oven. Join us?’
‘No thanks, I’ve eaten.’
Bill pulled a face. ‘Foreign muck, I’ll bet.’
It was their standing joke but this time Leah refused to be drawn. ‘Got a few jobs to catch up on. See you later. Enjoy your cholesterol, boys.’
In her room she closed the door, shivering as she took off her coat. The room felt cold and unwelcoming. She switched on the electric fire, and drew up her one armchair close to its glow, then she settled down to read the letter. There were two sheets of paper in the envelope, both closely written on both sides. As she read, her eyes widened in astonishment. Hannah had warned that she could be shocked but she had expected nothing like this. It was like something out of a book or a newspaper story. The kind of thing that happens to other people, never to oneself. She read swiftly to the end then began again at the beginning, reading more slowly, taking in the words and all the depth of feeling that had gone into their writing. She felt herself deeply moved as, slowly, her eyes filled with tears.
*
But I want you to know, Leah, that I loved the man who was your father with all my heart. And I can only think that he must have truly believed that the cause to which he had pledged himself justified the terrible thing he did. Over the years I have tried hard to understand how he could send me on that terrible suicide mission. I have tried hard to forgive him, but I have to tell you that I’ve failed in both of these. However, I have come to realise that I would not be alive today if it had not been for my unborn babies. If I had not fainted when I did the consequences could have been devastating. So in a way, Leah, I have you and your sister to thank for my life. Parting with you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hope you can understand that I had no choice but to let you go. I did it for your good �
�� for the best. The chance of a good future was all I had to give you. I have never forgotten your dear little faces and in all the years between I have prayed for your happiness.
*
A sudden knocking startled her. It was immediately followed by Terry’s head coming round the door. ‘Hi there, I just …’ He broke off as he saw her face and the letter in her hand. ‘What’s up, love? Not bad news, I hope.’
She held out the letter to him. ‘I’ve just had this. Hannah brought it to me this lunchtime. It’s from my mother.’
‘Hilary? Trouble at home?’
‘No. My real mother.’
He closed the door and came to her, his face concerned. Reluctantly he took the letter she held out to him. ‘Look — are you sure? I mean, it’s private, isn’t it?’
‘You can read it,’ she told him. ‘Please. I’d like you to.’
He sat down on the edge of her bed and read it through, then he looked up at her. ‘I have to admit that I knew about the case,’ he told her. ‘When I was going through the newspaper archives I found the story.’
‘You mean it was all in the papers at the time?’
‘Of course. It made the headlines twice in one year. At the time of her arrest and then later when she came to trial. After — after you were born.’
Leah looked stunned. ‘You didn’t tell me.’
‘I know. I don’t really know why. I suppose I chickened out. It’s not exactly the kind of thing one wants to hear about one’s birth, is it?’ He looked at her. ‘What are you going to do?’
Her eyes suddenly focused on him. ‘Do? I’m going to see her, of course. Did you think all this would put me off?’
He gave a wry grin. ‘No, not for a minute, knowing you.’
‘She must be a remarkable woman, Tel. She got most of her education is prison. Imagine that. And since then she’s made a career for herself in the hotel business. She’s a survivor. I admire that.’
‘So what is the next step?’
‘I’ll telephone Hannah and she’ll fix something up.’ Leah’s face suddenly brightened. ‘Isn’t it exciting, Tel? Just think, I’ve actually found her. I’m going to meet my real mother at last. And it’ll be all right. I know it will. After all, the past is dead and gone. We have the future to look forward to now. So much to make up to each other.’
‘And your sister?’ Terry asked.
Leah's smile faded. ‘Ah, that’s not quite so easy. Hannah says she was adopted at a few weeks old and it seems she’s had an ideal upbringing; parents who idolise her — everything a girl could wish for. It doesn’t seem likely that her parents will want that kind of disruption, and Hannah seems to think it might be better to leave well alone as far as she’s concerned.’
He reached out for her hand. ‘Look, I’ve got some news myself. The paper is sending me up north for six months, to another of the group’s papers in Lancashire. It’s to get more experience. I’m off on Friday, When I come back, if I make the grade, there may be a promotion in the offing.’
‘Terry, that’s great news.’
He smiled. ‘It is rather. I haven’t been home for a while and I’ll be able to spend some time with the old man. We haven’t seen each other for ages.’
‘You must be looking forward to that.’ She looked at him wistfully, ‘I’ll miss you.’
‘Will you? I’ll miss you too.’ He looked into her eyes for a long moment. ‘We haven’t seen a lot of each other since you’ve been here, what with the hours we both work.’ He squeezed her hands. ‘You will be all right, won’t you?’
She laughed and ruffled his hair. ‘Don’t be daft. Of course I’ll be all right. You don’t have to feel responsible for me, you know. I’m a big girl now.’
‘It’s just that they seem to take advantage of you at that restaurant. You look whacked when you come home some evenings.’
‘It’s only since baby Paulo arrived. Everything’ll be fine once Asunta gets used to Anna’s ways. And now that I have this to look forward to …’ She held up the letter.
Terry smiled ruefully. ‘I hope it all works out as you hope, love.’ He hesitated slightly, then leaned forward to kiss her.
She touched his cheek with her fingertips. ‘You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Tel. I don’t know what I would have done without you these past months.’
‘Rubbish, you’d have managed fine.’ He grinned, ‘I quite like having you around anyway, even if you are a bit of a wally at times.’ Suddenly serious, he looked into her eyes. ‘Look, Leah, I don’t know quite how to say this, but don’t — well, just try not to expect too much from this reunion. I don’t want you to be hurt. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, don’t get your hopes up too high.’
‘Hopes? Of my mother, you mean?’
‘Basically, yes. You’ve built up such a powerful image of her all these years. She’s only another human being, remember. And life does funny things to all of us, Leah. After all this time — after what you’ve both been through … She may not turn out to be what you think — what you want her to be.’
She sighed. ‘I know, but I think I’ve got both feet on the ground. And I’ll remember what you say.’
‘I’ll ring you,’ he said. ‘And I’ll be home at weekends whenever I can.’
‘I’ve told you, I can look after myself.’
He kissed her again. ‘Just be careful.’ He wanted to add: And please don’t fall in love with anyone while I’m gone. But, wisely, he didn’t.
*
Hannah had been reluctant to contact Sarah’s adoptive parents. She had explained to Leah that the other girl’s situation was very different from her own and that her enquiries might not be welcomed. However, the girl had been so eager that she had promised to try. She’d been surprised when Mavis responded promptly to her letter, inviting her to go up to Leicester to see them. Hannah’s letter had explained briefly that Sarah’s sister had been in touch and would like to meet her. She’d added that she would understand if it was against their wishes. The Paynes seemed such a closeknit family and she wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d seen her request as intrusive.
She drove up to Leicester the following Saturday. Nothing had changed since she last visited the Paynes, soon after Sarah’s adoption. The little house stood neatly in its corner of the cul-de-sac, the paintwork immaculate and the front garden trimmed and pruned for the winter. She parked her car in the drive and rang the bell, smiling to herself as the doorchimes played ‘Bless This House’ somewhere inside. Mavis answered the door. She looked much the same as Hannah remembered her, except that her hair was now touched with silver. She wore a demure navy blue dress with a white collar and as Hannah stepped into the hall the scent of beeswax and fresh flowers welcomed her.
‘It was so nice to hear from you after all these years, Miss Brown,’ Mavis said welcomingly. ‘Do come in. We’ve been looking forward to seeing you again.’
‘It’s good to see you too.’ Hannah stepped into the hall and took off her coat, laying it across Mavis’s outstretched arm.
‘Ken and I hoped so much that you’d find time to come.’ The hint of desperation in Mavis’s voice was unmistakable and for the first time Hannah had an inkling that there was more than hospitality behind the invitation. ‘Do come into the lounge,’ Mavis invited. ‘Ken’s out at the moment but he won’t be long. We can have a little chat before he gets back.’
In the pleasant front room they faced each other across the glowing fire. Mavis sat on the edge of her chair, her hands tightly clasped in her lap. ‘I must admit that your letter worried us a bit at first. You see, we never told Sally about her twin sister. Perhaps it was silly of us, but we really didn’t see the point at the time.’
Hannah frowned. ‘I see. In that case it could come as quite a shock to her.’
‘I suppose it might.’ There was a pause, then Mavis went on: ‘To be honest with you, we — I felt a bit guilty about the other baby. We should really have taken them both, I suppo
se. They didn’t really want to part them. But the other little baby was so different from Sally. They weren’t at all like twins. It sounds awful of me, I know, but to be honest, I just couldn’t take to her.’
‘No use worrying about it now, Mrs Payne.’ Hannah was puzzled by Mavis’s obvious preoccupation with something that had happened so long ago. ‘I’m sure things worked out for the best.’
‘It’s quite a coincidence that you should get in touch just at this time,’ Mavis said. ‘We’ve been very worried about our Sally lately.’
‘Oh? In what way?’
‘She’s gone to work in London, you know — been there almost four months now.’ Mavis sighed. ‘All that way.’
Hannah smiled to herself. ‘Young people have a habit of doing that kind of thing, Mrs Payne. I’m sure you’ve nothing to worry about. What kind of job is it?’
‘Floristry. She’s qualified, you know,’ Mavis added proudly. ‘At the local Technical College — City and Guilds and everything. Her teachers were ever so pleased with her. Well, she was always very artistic. The job is with a firm called Petals. It’s in Edgware. They do flower arrangements for hotels — functions, you know the kind of thing. She got the job through the college. But the thing is, she could have had one here in Leicester just as easily. Ken’s planning to take early retirement next year and we’d planned such lovely holidays together.’
Hannah hid a smile. ‘Perhaps she wanted to strike out on her own.’
‘That’s the odd thing about it,’ Mavis said. ‘You see, she was almost engaged to be married just a few weeks ago.’
‘Engaged?’
‘Yes, to Jason, Ken’s sister’s youngest boy. I can’t pretend that Ken and I were happy about it, with them both being so young. But everything seemed settled between them. Then, suddenly …’
‘A quarrel?’
‘That’s what we thought, but not according to Jason,’ Mavis said, ‘but then he hasn’t been very helpful either.’ She bit her lip to stop its trembling.
The Long Way Home: A moving saga of lost family Page 24