‘All these years we’ve brought her up as our own. She was ours, Miss Brown. We thought we knew her through and through. Then all at once it’s like dealing with a stranger.’ Mavis took out a handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, glancing as she did so at a photograph of Sally on the mantelpiece.
Hannah followed her gaze and saw a pretty blonde teenage girl who looked almost uncannily like Marie. She was sitting on a swing and laughing up into the sunlight. Hannah looked back at Mavis’s stricken face. She was beginning to see that the Paynes needed to see her even more than she needed to see them.
‘When we got your letter saying that Sally’s sister wanted to meet her we were shocked at first, then we got to thinking it might help to settle Sally — knowing she had a sister; might sort of bring her down to earth again. We wrote her a letter, telling her that you’d been concerned with her adoption and that you wanted to talk to her.’
Hannah wondered if this had been a wise move. She asked: ‘And what was her reaction?’
Mavis shrugged. ‘I’ve no idea. She hasn’t answered the letter. It’s almost as though $he’s trying to break off all contact with us. We haven’t seen her for almost three months now.’ Mavis wrung her hands. ‘We did suggest once that we’d make the journey up there and pay her a visit, but it seemed to throw her into a panic. She almost begged us not to go.’ She sighed. ‘It’s very hurtful, Miss Brown. We’ve always done our best for her. We’ve always been so close. That’s why Ken and I appreciate your coming.’
‘I take it you’d like me to go and talk to her?’
Mavis looked relieved. ‘Oh, if only you would. If you could get to the bottom of what’s wrong. We’d be so grateful.’
‘All right. I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything. Young people do grow up, you know. Sometimes they get to the stage where they need to break away and stand on their own feet. Sarah probably feels that if she came home or saw too much of you her resolve might begin to waver.’
‘Oh. Do you really think that's all it is?’
‘Well, let’s just wait and see, shall we?’
Mavis looked up as the sound of a key was heard in the front door. ‘Ah — that’ll be Ken. I’ll make the tea. The kettle’s on.’
As they sat sipping tea together in the comfortable sitting room that Mavis called the lounge, Ken echoed his wife’s anxiety over Sally and their shared feelings about a reunion with Leah, though his reaction was much more philosophical than his wife’s.
‘Mavis has felt very hurt and shut out these last weeks,’ he said. ‘Sally hasn’t even given us her private address in London, you see. All we have is the name and address of the shop where she works. But as I see it, we have no choice but to go along with it all until she’s worked it out, whatever it is. This might be just what she needs. I think we should give her the opportunity to decide for herself.’
Hannah smiled. ‘That’s very unselfish of you, Mr Payne.’
Ken looked at his wife. ‘Get Miss Brown that address, love,’ he said. ‘Then perhaps she can drop into the shop and see Sally. I’m sure she’ll know the best way to handle things.’
*
The moment Hannah set eyes on Sally she knew there was more behind her strange behaviour than a desire for independence. The girl standing behind the counter in the florist’s shop looked gaunt and ill — very different from the happy girl in the photographs on Mavis and Ken’s mantelpiece. The springy blonde hair was limp and dry, and her cheekbones stood out prominently. The gathered overall she wore could not conceal her thickening figure, and the profusion of bright flowers that surrounded her only served to accentuate her pallor. When Hannah introduced herself, hostile suspicion showed itself plainly on the girl’s face.
‘So they’ve sent a social worker to check up on me now?’ she said angrily. ‘Why can’t they leave me alone? And why did you have to come here? Do you want me to lose my job?’
‘As you haven’t given your parents your private address, I didn’t have much choice,’ Hannah said. ‘It is important that I speak to you. Perhaps we could arrange to meet somewhere later?’
Sally looked around, then seeing the manageress eyeing her, said quickly: ‘Oh, all right. I get off at half-past five. I’ll meet you in the Wimpy across the road if you like.’
Hannah arrived at the cafe a little before five-thirty and sat at a table in the window, watching the florist’s shop across the road. When Sally emerged she saw that her earlier suspicions had been right. The loose coat she wore could no longer conceal the fact that she was pregnant. It explained everything. She stood up to wave as the girl stood just inside the door, but her greeting was received coolly.
‘I haven’t got long,’ Sally said as she joined her. ‘The trains get full up and I’ve got quite a long way to go.’
‘It’s all right. I’ll give you a lift,’ Hannah said.
‘Oh no you won’t!’ The suspicion was back. ‘You’ll only go and give them the address.'
Hannah shrugged. ‘Just as you wish. Sit down. I’ve got you a coffee. Do you want anything to eat?’
Sally shook her head. ‘No thanks. I don’t even want the coffee really.’ She looked desperately tired as she lowered herself into the chair opposite. ‘Look, if you’re here to lecture me, I’d prefer to get it over with as soon as possible.’
‘Why are you treating your parents so badly?’ Hannah asked. ‘Surely they deserve better than that.’
‘All I’m doing is saving them a lot of embarrassment if they only knew it.’ Sally spooned sugar into the coffee and stirred thoughtfully. ‘Except I suppose you’ll go straight back and tell them now, won’t you?’
‘Is that what you want, Sally?’
‘No.’
‘Then I won’t. They do care about you, you know. Have you any idea what you’re putting them through?’
Sally glanced up and for a moment Hannah saw a girl immature for her years, fear and uncertainty in her blue eyes. Then, just as quickly, the brittle veneer returned. ‘Look, I don’t want to sound rude, but what does it have to do with you?’ she asked. ‘And if that’s the only reason …’
‘It’s not,’ Hannah interrupted. ‘The reason I’m here has nothing at all to do with your parents. I wrote to them because I wanted to contact you, Sally. To tell you that your sister is anxious to meet you.’
‘Sister?’ The girl stared at her, uncomprehendingly. ‘I’m not with you. We’ve got our wires crossed somewhere.’
‘No, it’s true. You do have a sister. A twin, actually. Her name is Leah. She’s here in London and she would very much like to meet you.’ There was a long pause. Hannah asked: ‘Well — how do you feel about it, Sally?’
‘How do I feel? You come here and tell me I’ve got a twin sister, right out of the blue, just like that. Then you calmly ask me how I feel … I suppose you could say that I’m shocked.’ An ironic smile twisted the corners of her mouth. ‘Gob-smacked, my friend Sharon would say.’ She paused. Then: ‘So — is she my double, this twin?’
‘No. You’re not identical twins. In fact, you’re not at all alike.’
Sally was silent for a moment as she digested the information. Watching her face, Hannah said gently: ‘This might be an ideal time for you to find someone close, Sally — you shouldn’t be shutting your parents out, you know.’
For a moment Sally looked as though she were about to make another protest, then her belligerent attitude seemed to dissolve and she slumped forward wearily. ‘I want to take charge of my own life. I have to now.’
‘Do you? Your mother says that before you took this job in London you were practically engaged to — Jason, was it?’
Sally shook her head impatiently. ‘Jason and I were never more than good friends.’
‘Then he isn’t the baby’s father?’
‘Oh, no.’ Sally’s head snapped up. ‘If only he were.’
‘You are fond of him then?’
‘Yes. He’s the only other person who knows. He even offered to
pretend the baby was his and marry me. I couldn’t have let him do that, could I? However tempting it was.’
‘Do you want to tell me about it?’ Hannah asked gently.
Sally bit her lip. ‘It happened at a party. Mum and Dad didn’t even know I went. They were always so stuffy about parties and so on. If they’d given me more freedom …’ She broke off to push a straying lock of hair behind her ear. ‘He — this boy — was a complete stranger. Somebody had given me a drink. Gin, I think. I’m not used to alcohol.’ She looked up quickly. ‘I’m not trying to make excuses, mind. I knew what I was doing.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m so ashamed and sickened by it all, I just couldn’t tell Mum and Dad. I didn’t know what to do at first. Jason made this offer and somehow that made me face things. I thought about it and I made up my mind. I intend to cope by myself.’ She looked up anxiously. ‘Promise me you won’t tell them?’
‘I’ve already promised. You didn’t consider abortion then?’
‘No. I hate the idea of killing something — of taking away its right to live. My own mother gave me up for adoption. I suppose I’ll do the same.’
‘But how will you keep it from them? It’ll be Christmas soon. Your parents are bound to expect you home for that. I’m sure if you told them they’d want to help?’
‘No.’ Sally shook her head adamantly. ‘I don’t want that. I’ll manage. I’ll take it a day at a time. I’ll get through somehow.’
‘What about your job? Does your employer understand?’
Sally nodded. ‘It’s all worked out. I’m having a couple of weeks off when it’s born. It’ll go for immediate adoption.’
‘And that’s what you want?’
‘Look, all my life I’ve been pampered and cosseted,’ Sally said. ‘I’ve had all my decisions made for me. This is my problem — my decision. I got myself into this mess. Now I have to see it through myself. And adoption is the only way.’
Hannah saw the soft young mouth harden determinedly and she thought she understood. ‘Are you taking proper care of yourself?’ she asked.
Sally nodded. ‘I have the check-ups every month and take the vitamins and other gunge. I do want it to be healthy.’
‘Good. Look, will you make me one promise? Will you get in touch with me if you need help?’ Hannah took a card from her bag and passed it to Sally. ‘Keep this somewhere safe. You can always reach me on that number.’
Sally glanced at the card, then slipped it into her pocket. ‘Okay, thanks.’
‘What would you like me to do about your sister? Would you like to meet her?’
Sally shrugged. ‘Would she want to meet me when she knows? I shouldn’t think I’m anyone’s idea of the ideal sister.’
‘That’s something you’ll have to work out between you. Here.’ Hannah wrote down Leah’s address and telephone number and passed it across the table. ‘Think about it and contact her in your own time. If and when you decide to.’ She watched as the girl looked at the paper, folded it and put it away. At least she hadn’t refused to take it, that was something. It was up to Sally now. There was nothing more that she could do.
*
Hannah rang Leah on Friday evening to tell her that she had arranged a meeting between her and Marie. She didn’t mention her visit to the Paynes or her meeting with Sally. The whole business was too nebulous as yet.
‘I told Marie that Sunday was the best day for you,’ she said. ‘She’ll come up on the ten o’clock train from Bournemouth Central this Sunday. It gets in to Waterloo just after eleven. Can you meet it?’
Leah’s heart was beating fast with excitement. ‘Of course I can. Thank you, Hannah.’ A thought suddenly struck her. ‘Oh — but how will we recognise each other?’
‘Marie is slim and fair. She says she’ll be wearing a black coat with a blue Paisley scarf. I said I’d tell you to wear a red flower on your lapel.’
‘Fine. I’ll get one. I can’t wait till Sunday. Thanks for fixing it up, Hannah.’
‘Not at all. I hope everything goes well for you both. You’ll let me know?’
‘Of course. I’ll call you on Monday.’
Leah replaced the receiver and clasped her hands together. Sunday. The day after tomorrow. She must remember to get that flower. It was short notice. There wasn’t much time to arrange anything. The first meeting with one’s mother should be marked in some special way. Terry would have had ideas but he had already left for Lancashire. Her brain milling with a dozen half-formed plans, she burst in on Bill who was in the kitchen making himself toasted cheese.
‘Bill, my mother’s coming up to Town on Sunday. Would you mind if we came back here?’
He stared at her in astonishment. ‘Good heavens, why would I mind? Your room is your own to do as you like in.’
‘I know, but it’s a bit special. I’d rather like to cook lunch — down here.’ She looked at him. ‘Are you in or out on Sunday?’
He laughed. ‘What you’re really saying is that you want the place to yourself.’ His eyes narrowed. ‘Wait a minute. Did you say your lover or your mother?’
‘Mother.’
‘So why all the excitement?’
She stared at him. ‘Oh — I thought Terry would have told you. This is the first time I’ve actually met her.’
‘Really? But I thought your parents were bigwigs on the town council of Much Fiddling on the Sludge or whatever it’s called.’
Leah laughed. ‘That’s my adoptive parents. I’m talking about my natural mother. I’ve just located her and we’re going to meet.’
‘Right. Great stuff. Good luck with it then. As it happens I shall be out all day Sunday so be my guest. Do as you like.’ He glanced at her, then looked again. It was as though he was suddenly seeing her for the first time. She looked as though someone had turned on a light inside her. She was incandescent; eyes glowing, cheeks pink. He felt himself stirred by a sudden irresistible urge to kiss her, and pulled himself up sharply. He was old enough to be the girl’s father, for God’s sake. He turned back to his toasted cheese in time to see it catch fire.
‘Damn and blast!’ He snatched the pan out from under the grill, blowing furiously at the flames. ‘Oh, look at that. It’s bloody burnt now.’
Leah took the pan from him. ‘Tell you what, let me make you one of my famous Spanish omelettes.’
‘It’s all right. I like burnt cheese.’
Laughing, Leah tipped the burnt offering into the bin and pushed him out of the way. ‘Don’t argue. It was my fault anyway. And you have agreed to let me have exclusive use of the kitchen on Sunday.’
His eyebrows shot up. ‘I have? First I’ve heard about it.’ But he stood aside, watching her as she took eggs from the fridge and cracked them into a bowl. ‘You’ll — er — join me, won’t you?’
‘Naturally.’ She looked at him. ‘Well, don’t just stand there propping up the worktop. The table wants laying. We’ll need some crusty bread to go with these and I wouldn’t say no to a nice glass of white wine with it either.’
‘Certainly — right away, Madam.’ Bill tugged an imaginary forelock. ‘And would Madam be requiring the best silver.’
Ten minutes later as they sat together at the table Bill asked: ‘So what made you decide to find this mother of yours?’
‘It’s something I’ve always wanted,’ Leah told him. ‘I had a twin sister too and I’d like to meet her. She was adopted as a baby, though, and may not want to rake up the past.’
He looked at her. ‘Why weren’t you adopted together?’
‘No one wanted me. Apparently I was one of those ugly, whingeing babies.’
He grinned. ‘I’d never have guessed.’
‘I was in the children’s home till I was seven. The people who finally adopted me expected …’ She lifted her shoulders. ‘I don’t know. Something different. The relationship never really gelled.’
‘And you always wondered if it would have done with your real mum,’ Bill supplied. ‘You can’t help wondering i
f it was your adoptive parents at fault. Or if it might just possibly have been you.’
Leah stopped, a forkful of omelette halfway to her mouth, and looked at him. ‘I never saw it quite that way before, but you could be right. The Dobsons lost their own child in an accident. Apparently she was my age and looked like me.’ She shook her head. ‘The whole thing was destined for disappointment from the start, wasn’t it?’
‘Poor Leah.’ Bill gave her a rueful smile.
‘Not a bit of it. I must have been a pretty obnoxious kid. I gave them a rough time. Once I knew it wasn’t me they loved I hit back, though of course I didn’t realise why I was doing it at the time. The one thing I did know was that I wanted to belong somewhere — to someone. That’s when I decided to find my own mother as soon as I could.’
‘And now you have.’
‘Now I have,’ she repeated triumphantly, raising her glass. ‘And Sunday is the big day. Will you drink to it, Bill? Will you wish me luck?’
Oddly touched and infected by her excitement, he raised his glass and clinked it against hers. ‘Here’s to the two of you — maybe three. And to the end of disappointment.’
Chapter 15
Marie stirred from the kitchen window and drank the last of her tea. It was fully light now and she must begin to get ready for her trip to London. She tried hard to recapture the feeling of happiness and excitement she had felt ever since the arrangement was made, but the dark cloud of last night's nightmare still hung over her, laying a cobweb of gloom between her and the day she had looked forward to so much.
Once I’m on the train everything will be fine, she told herself as she padded softly through to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I’m going to meet Leah — my daughter. It’s what I’ve dreamed of so often down the years. It’s going to be wonderful. But somehow her heart refused to lift in response.
If only Ralph hadn’t come home last night. His unexpected arrival late the previous evening had put everything else out of her mind. Sensing her dismay at seeing him, he’d perversely demanded that they retire early together, announcing that he’d had a hard week and was tired. But once alone in their room he’d resorted to his familiar cat and mouse tactics, claiming what he called ‘his rights’ and reminding her of how long it had been since they’d last made love. Annoyed and resentful over her obvious reluctance, he’d been even more sadistic than usual, mentally as well as physically. But this time Marie had made a stand, reminding him that although they were married he did not have the right to abuse her — that there was such a thing as rape within marriage. Her outburst had surprised him. For a brief, stunned moment he’d stared at her speechlessly, then he summoned his powers of denigration with more force than ever.
The Long Way Home: A moving saga of lost family Page 25