by Queen, Roxy
“No.” I pace the wooden planks on the porch. “That is not what you were doing. We weren’t like that. What a fucking prick.” I move toward the door to find him, but Audrey holds me back.
“No, he’s not worth it; and Jessica will kill me if we make a scene at her wedding. I just want him to go while he can. I have no idea how to deal with all of this. Not with him or you.”
I reach for her hand, but she turns away. This is all so unexpected; I have no idea what to say. On a selfish level, I want to celebrate. But I don’t want to see that sad look in her eyes ever again. Catching a glimpse, I realize it’s too late.
In a quiet voice, she says, “It’s like everything I told Dr. Markson, about why I’d saved myself for so long, came true. I’m not sure I can trust anyone. I don’t even think I can trust myself. It’s like everything I thought about sex, the lies and cheating, the hurt and pain, were true all along.”
“Audrey, no, that isn’t true.” I want to hold her so badly, fix the damage that’s been done to her by Dylan and me, but her arms are crossed defensively over her chest. There’s no way she’s letting me close. “I know you may not believe it right now, but you can trust me.”
She wipes under her eyes, and says, “I can’t trust someone if I don’t know who they are, Graham. I revealed so much about myself to you. Everything. I bared my soul and my body.”
“I know.”
“And I know that it’s not that you lied; but the foundation of that relationship was built on a psychological experiment. Not reality. Unfortunately, I gave you too much, when you couldn’t do so in return.”
Every moment we had together was real. Each one, that’s what I want to tell her. However, even I know how false that sounds when I’m here with another woman. One I’m working for. Walking away from Margaret isn’t that easy. In the growing silence between us, once again, it’s more than obvious I can’t give her what she needs.
“I want to make this right,” I tell her. “I just don’t know how.”
She laughs bitterly. “Don’t give me that bullshit, Graham. I’m not a child or a pathetic virgin anymore. I’m not willing to sit back and wait for life to happen to me. Especially the bad stuff. You may be right. There may be something between us, something more than what Dr. Markson orchestrated; but it doesn’t matter if we aren’t available to one another.” She takes a deep breath. “Even though my anxiety is cured, I’m not entirely whole. All those years of anxiety did a number on me. But more than that, you can’t give up this lifestyle you’ve chosen; one that, no matter what you tell me, cannot be healthy.”
She steps forward and rubs her hand over my swollen cheek. “We’re too different, too messed up.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Why? Because the sex was good? We can’t base a relationship on that. And really, I’m starting to realize that although sex is a big part of relationships, it’s not the only thing.” She eyes me for a minute and the sadness returns. “Well, I can’t… I can’t be that person. It’s not who I am.”
She walks back into the party. I want to tell her so many things, but the words don’t come. They’re stuck in my throat. My heart hammers and for the first time, I feel real terror. Fear runs through my veins and settles in my bones. I take a deep, choking breath; and it dawns on me that this is how Audrey used to feel about intimacy. The tables have turned and she’s conquered her fears, while I’ve only just revealed mine.
*
I don’t see Dylan again that night, but I do see Audrey. It’s not as though I can avoid her. She’s part of the wedding party and her yellow dress beckons me at every turn. She does a good job masking her pain, but her eyes betray her emotions. She’s hurt and angry. Sad. I give her space though, because she asked for it; and I have a job to do, one that Margaret is unwilling to let me forget.
“They’re adorable,” she says, referring to the bride and groom. Her hand strokes up and down my thigh. I’m thankful for the tablecloth. I’m also exhausted and keep hoping Margaret will drink too much and pass out.
“Let me get you a refill.” I remove her glass and take it to the bar before she can protest. When I return she drinks it quickly, smearing her lipstick on the rim. Stupidly, I use my thumb to wipe it away. She snags my wrist with her hand and envelops my thumb in her mouth.
“I could fuck you here,” she says, after performing a sloppy version of fellatio on my thumb. Her voice is louder than appropriate. So I do what I know best, I smile, trying to appease her.
“Let’s go back to the room,” I suggest, helping her out of her chair and steering her though the remaining crowd. Some of the children have already gone to bed, with their parents or another family member. Audrey and I make eye contact as I escort Margaret from the room; but she looks away quickly, making me wonder if I’d imagined it.
“I need some air,” she claims, veering away from the stairs. My good humor is rapidly disappearing, but I follow her outside like a good boy. Once there she stumbles down the porch steps to a bench cloaked in darkness. She kicks off her shoes and sits like a sloppy drunk, legs spread. I have a feeling this night is never going to end; and when it does, it won’t end well. She leans back and her tits threaten to spill out of her dress. I can see the brown edge of a nipple showing. Oblivious, she asks, “What’s got you in a foul mood tonight?”
“It’s been a long weekend.”
“I’ve enjoyed having you twenty-four-seven, all to myself.” She smiles seductively and I try to give her something in return, but this time I can’t. I’ve got nothing left to give and it’s time I told her so.
“We can’t see each other anymore after this trip.”
“Sure, babe, talk to me after I suck you off.”
Her words sting like a slap, and I know then I’m done with Margaret, and with this life. I don’t need it or her.
“I do. I’ve changed, Margaret. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve got school and my career to think about.”
She reacts with a laugh, deep and genuine. “Career? Doing what? Fucking 101?”
Her jab exposed a wound because, God, that’s exactly what I’d been doing, she just doesn’t know the extent. “I care for you, Margaret, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s eating away at me.”
“You don’t care about me, Graham, not really,” she says. “Like everyone else, you’re tired of me; and you just want someone young, with tits that are soft and bounce over you while you ride their tight pussy. I’m not a fool. I’ve been through this before.”
“That’s not true,” I say, bending down to look her in the eye. “You’re a beautiful woman and you’ve grown so much in the time I’ve known you. You’re strong and smart and yes, incredibly sexy, but paying me for sex isn’t making you a better person.” I swallow. “And it’s making me a shitty one.”
I hope that’s enough to end this. That she can accept the truth, but Margaret doesn’t ever want to hear no, and this is no exception. Audrey has shaken something loose in my brain; and for the first time, I realize what I’m doing isn’t right. That whole relationship with Margaret is based on manipulation. We’ve manipulated one another this whole time and when she lunges for my crotch, I know for certain I have to get the hell out of here.
“Prove that you care for me,” she begs, tears building when I catch her hands. “Fuck me here. Now, one last time and I’ll let you go without any fight.”
I shake my head and push her hands away.
“I paid you.” The way she says paid sounds a whole lot like own.
“Don’t be like this,” I say, steeling my resolve. “I’ll walk you to the room or I’ll leave you here.”
“Leave,” she says. “And fuck you.”
Chapter 39
(Audrey)
The knock comes at 2 AM. I haven’t been asleep for long, if even at all. Groggy and exhausted, I lean against the door, and say, “What?”
“It’s me.”
I rouse at Graham’s voice, instantly curious and flooded with frustr
ation. Not now. Not again.
“What do you want?” I say, ear pressed to the wooden door.
“To see you.” His voice is strained, and I hate that I feel a warring sense of emotion just because he’s near. “Please open the door.”
I flip the lock and open the door a crack. He’s waiting patiently; tie loose with his jacket over his arm. He shouldn’t be here. He should be with Margaret. “Whatever this is,” I tell him. “It’s pointless. We’ve got nothing to talk about.”
A firm hand comes out to still the door, keeping it open. “That’s not true. I’m not ready to let this go yet.”
“No?” I walk into the room, not wanting to carry on this conversation in the hallway. He follows me in, shutting the door quietly. “You look like hell.”
He laughs, flashing his teeth. “I feel like hell too. I feel like I’ve been dragged from one side of this island to the other. But really, I’ve just been absolutely lost.”
“So you came here.”
He looks incredulous. “Where else would I go?”
“Graham, you may not need sleep, but I do. What is going on?”
“I just told you.” He steps closer; and like a fool, I don’t move away. He’s charged with an electric energy while I’m stuck to my spot like a magnet. “If I’m not with you, where else would I be?”
“Um, with Margaret?”
Again, he steps closer, his hand ghosting over my shoulder. “That’s over.”
“I’m not sure what that has to do with me.”
“It has everything to do with you, Audrey; and God, I’m don’t want this to come out wrong, but we have spent months making you feel better. Helping you conquer your fears.” His eyes lower, and his voice softens to a whisper. “And in return, you opened up a part of me I never knew existed. A part that wants to be wanted; and not just something bought and used. A part that wants you; someone I’m not supposed to have. All of that is really, fucking scary.”
None of this is said with his usual charm, but with a heartbreaking vulnerability. There’s no smile, only sincerity. He hasn’t touched me; but his hands tremble, and I can almost feel the need rolling off his skin.
“How,” I ask him, trying to figure him out. “How did you even end up doing this? Taking money for sex?”
“I told you the boundaries on sex are very liberal where I come from. Having sex with older women was something I started doing before I left high school. My mom wasn’t around all the time; or if she was, she was high or doing her own thing. Those women were nice to me. They fed me and took care of me. I did the same for them.” He shrugs. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
“But it is a big deal,” I say, groping for the right words. I don’t want him to feel shame; but I also want him to understand. “Your body should be used out of love and respect.”
“They gave me what I needed at the time and I learned how to give that in return. Sex was something that made them feel better, enough that they were willing to pay me for my services. I helped them regain control over their lives by teaching them how to respect themselves. The power that I shared with them was intoxicating; you can’t tell me it doesn’t do the same to you. You’ve told me so.”
“It did,” I say. “But I would never want to gain power, while stripping you of yours. If I ever made you feel used, I am so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Audrey. Dr. Markson and I organized this project. You were doing what we asked.”
“Did you really leave Margaret?”
“That’s over,” he says. “The others, too. This is not the life I want anymore.”
“What do you want?” I ask, terrified of the response.
His fist clenches. “What I can’t have.”
I open my mouth to reply, but words seem inadequate. What would I even say? Instead, I reach for him, consumed with a completely new level of understanding of this man. I knew he was broken, but this? It’s too much. He’s spent years being used by women, never experiencing the emotion behind sex. That’s why he was able to teach me how to use my body. But, I consider, staring at the man in front of me, he also gave me more. He pushed me beyond the mechanics.
Now I understand why.
I reach for him and kiss his cheeks, his nose, and his jaw. I kiss the lines on his forehead, the bruise next to his eye. He flinches, either from the pain on his face or the pain in his heart. I don’t know. “Let me show you,” I tell him. “Like you did with me.”
His eyes search mine and I feel uncomfortable under the intensity, but I’m not backing down. Climbing on the bed, I tug off his tie, dropping it to the floor. Next, I undo the buttons on his shirt, revealing his strong arms and chest. In minutes, I have him undressed, his cock bobbing like a plaything between us, soft like velvet. I run my fingers along the tip.
“Will you make love to me?” I ask, not demand.
“Yes.”
“Will you do other things? The ones I told you about?”
He swallows and nods, eyes flickering in remembrance.
I move backwards on the bed and he follows, pushing up my shirt until my breasts are fully exposed. I arch, seeking his touch. It’s been too long. The minute he palms them, my knees grow weak and a flurry of want boils low in my belly. There’s no way any man will touch me better than this. Ever.
“More,” I whisper, dropping my hand between us. I rub the tip of his cock against my panties. Even through the barrier, it feels good enough to elicit a moan. In a swift, but gentle move, he has me flat on my back and my panties are gone.
He’s on his knees above me; but pauses long enough that I tilt my head in question. “Are you okay?” I ask. “Is this too much?”
“Let me inside,” he replies. It’s almost sounds like he’s begging. I stroke his cock with my fingers. “I want to be inside of you, just once more.”
“Of course,” I say, not sure what is going on. Why the desperation? He needs something, and this I can give him.
He moves fast, pulling me off my back and into his lap. Our noses touch and his cock strains against our bellies. “Like this,” he directs, adjusting me over him. I take him in, sinking down on the length of his dick; and for the first time I didn’t hold my breath or flinch. He fills me, flexing against my walls. He whispers in my mouth, “You feel so good.”
I want to reply, but I can’t catch my breath. I feel him everywhere. His hands stroke my back. My nipples rub against his chest. My clit seeks and receives friction from his lower belly. I’m lost in a state of high arousal, every nerve standing on end. Without his support, I’d fall backward, so I wrap my arms around his neck and grip the hair on his nape between my fingers.
Graham has shown me so many things; but with his eyes level to mine, and our bodies so close, this is the most intimate.
I ride him until I lose conscious thought and his voice turns into a hazy dream. “Look at me,” he says. I try to focus, but I can’t; the sensation is too much, like shock waves rippling across my flesh. “I’m coming,” I pant, unsure why I’m saying these words. He should know. He can tell. I want to get closer, but there’s not anywhere to go.
I sink my teeth into his shoulder, groaning in absolute ecstasy. My body collapses, slipping into his sweaty chest. A fire burns across my body and Graham bears my weight, ramming upward, my walls tightening around his cock.
“Once more,” he mumbles, stroking the back of my hair. His eyes lose their focus and he squeezes them tight. I lean back at the last minute; his fingers grip my hips. That’s all it takes. He comes hard, lifting off the bed, releasing the pent up emotions of the night. I take everything, feeling the tingle of arousal just from seeing his face.
The instant his eyes open, he pulls me back to his chest and envelops me in a sticky hug. He drops his head to my shoulder, and exhales the words, “Thank you.”
I lift his chin. “You don’t have to thank me. You are such an amazing man. Never forget that.”
He doesn’t remove his arms; they’re latched around m
e like a lifeline. It takes a while, but eventually I coax him to lie down. He never lets go, not once. I take the position of little spoon, nestled in against his naked body.
With his fingers laced in mine, I sleep.
*
Again, my wake-up call is the pounding of a fist on my door. My eyes pop open; I can hear Reese loudly calling my name from the other side. “Audrey! Ferry leaves in fifteen minutes. Get your ass up.”
“Hold on,” I reply, totally confused. A quick check of my phone says its 3 PM. I slept all day. “Holy shit.” I reach across the bed for Graham, but find nothing but cool, crumpled sheets. I have no doubt that he’s gone.
“Open up, Audrey.”
“One sec.” I toss on a shirt and shorts and open the door. Reese stares at me.
“You’re just waking up? We have to leave in like, five minutes.” She cranes her neck and takes in the state of my room. Clothes everywhere, quilt on the floor. If it had a smell, it would be sex and lust. “What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing. I was just really tired. Let me get my stuff.”
“I’ll help.”
She pushes her way past me and I grab suitable clothes for the trip home. “I’ve got to shower,” I say, ignoring her incredulous face and duck into the bathroom. I can’t go home with dried semen between my legs. Where is Graham?
Reese has packed my belongings while I get dressed. It’s obvious from the way she keeps looking at me that she has a thousand questions. Join the club, I want to say, but what comes out is, “Have you seen Graham?”
“I saw him take the first ATV out this morning.”
“Leaving?”
“Yeah. Margaret looked like hell. He loaded both their suitcases in the back. I guess they took the first ferry out.”
“Margaret?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Yeah, wow, she’s a hot mess.”
Alex sticks his head in the door. “You ready?”
“Yeah, babe.” She hands me my suitcase and grabs my garment bag with the yellow bridesmaid dress, moving faster than I can think. “You okay?”