by Queen, Roxy
“Yeah,” I mumble. “I’m coming.”
The ferry ride passes in a blur, as does the trip home. The plane ride back to Durham gives me too much time to think about the weekend, to think about Graham. Flashes of our conversations nag at me. With every mile, the warm glow from the night before turns to something worrisome.
“We’re too different. Too messed up.”
“I want to be inside of you. Just once more.”
“Thank you.”
Our actions signaled one thing, while our words meant something else entirely. Every exchange was seeped in reality. It was the truth. But were we speaking the same language? Of the same things?
He told me he quit working for Margaret, yet he left with her anyway. Did he have the strength to quit her for good? If not, do I have the strength to leave him?
Reese’s concerned looks from the seat next to mine aren’t making me feel any more confident.
It’s not until I’m back in my apartment that I start to process what has happened; and formulate a plan to make this better. To make it right. Because there is no way I’m abandoning the man that saved me. I just have to figure out how to save him back.
Chapter 40
(Graham)
I check the clock and am surprised when I see it’s five after. Dr. Markson never runs late. She specifically called me in for this meeting. I’d turned in my first draft of project findings several days after I returned from the wedding.
Goddamn wedding, I think. That whole thing was a fucking disaster. A life-altering disaster. I’ve discovered quickly that working on this project is the only thing that gets me through the day.
I lean back in the waiting room chair and try not to think about Audrey in anything other than a clinical sense. Leaving her bed was one of the most painful decisions I’d ever made. When she offered her body to me, I made the promise to her that I just needed one more time; one more chance to be with her and then I’d work on my messy life.
I untangled myself from her naked body and dressed, resigned that facing Margaret was the first step to ending my former life. I entered the room to retrieve my luggage and found her sprawled naked across the bed with one of the groomsmen.
“Fuck,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “Dude, I didn’t—“
“No worries,” I promised.
Still half asleep and, probably, still a little drunk, he looked at me, down at Margaret, and scrambled out of the bed, searching for clothes.
“Don’t mind him,” Margaret said to her fuckmate.
“Really, don’t.” It only took me a couple minutes to pack my luggage. I left the suit Margaret bought me in the closet and went downstairs to wait for the lift to the ferry. I was surprised when she showed up an hour later, eyes hidden behind huge sunglasses. I loaded her luggage and sat in the back, leaving her the seat next to the driver.
Once we arrived, Margaret eyed me on the dock, and said, “So really? This is it. You’re walking away?”
“I am.”
“You were good while it lasted,” she said, without a trace of remorse. In the end, I was no better than the latest accessory or fashion trend. She can find someone to replace me. I watched as she hopped into the rental car, leaving me to sweat in the hot June sun. Her departure came as a relief. I searched for a spot of shade to wait the two hours it took for a cab finally to pick me up. At the airport, I booked a ticket home on a different flight, all worth the price to avoid Margaret.
Back home, I toss my bags on the floor. Dave looks me over. “You look like shit, man.”
“I feel worse.”
“How the hell did you get that bruise?”
I touch my cheek and wince. The bruise is still tender. “You wouldn’t believe me, if I told you.”
“Try me.”
I go to the refrigerator and pull out a beer, drinking half of it before I finally answer. “I got run over by a horse.”
“Holy shit.”
I flop down on the couch; and I tell Dave everything that happened over the last three months. About the experiment and Audrey; I tell him about Margaret and the other girls; all the things I’d never told him about before. I describe the fiasco of the wedding, and that I walked out on Margaret.
“So what about Audrey?” he asks, handing me another beer. We’ve gone through several at this point.
“Did you hear anything I just told you? I’m not laying the weight of all that baggage on Audrey.”
He snorts. “Sounds like you’re afraid to pursue a real relationship.”
“Well, yeah,” I say. “I have no idea how to be in an actual relationship with a woman. All the stuff you do day-in and day-out. I’m used to walking out the door, saying the stuff these women want to hear. I have no idea how to say no, or not right now, or I just want to watch the game.”
“Stop being a moron. You’re overthinking this. She’s just a girl. A hot one, too. One you’d be a fool to miss out on.”
Dave has no idea what he’s talking about. The exhaustion of the day crashes over me, making me too tired to fight about it anymore. “I know I’m an idiot, but Audrey isn’t just a girl. I’m not going to drag her down now that she’s finally fixed her own problems. Plus, how do I know she’s really into me, for me, and not for everything that happened during the project?”
“I’m a psych major too, Graham; and from everything you’ve told me, I think you’ve been running scared for a long time. Those women you screwed as a teenager? They sound like an excuse to get away from the younger girls who would expect a commitment.”
“No way,” I say. “Those girls were there for the fun, too.” That’s what I’ve always thought; but now, after being with Audrey, things are looking a little less black and white.
“Maybe,” he says, gathering his bottles off the table. “Audrey’s probably the best thing that will ever happen to you. I wouldn’t be so quick to push her away.”
“She may be good for me; but there’s no way I’m good for her.”
I’m tired of talking, really, just tired. I grab my own empties off the table and leave them by the sink. I head to bed, passing Dave who’s already immersed in his phone. Probably texting Rachel. I think for a minute about how he cares for her. How I’ve grown to care for Audrey. I think about those girls back in West Texas, the ones behind the gas station and in the back of the truck. In my heart, I knew more than one expected a call the next day, if not something more.
My whole life, my whole persona is a fucking lie.
I find a pad next to the bed and with a pen, scribble down the names of all the girls I knew back then. All the women I’ve been with since. At the bottom, I write in all caps, the name that means the most.
AUDREY.
*
I never heard from Audrey after the wedding; but to be fair, I didn’t call her either. The days that follow are quiet, other than a series of uncomfortable phone calls to my clients. As much as letting that part of my life go hurts, I know it’s time. With or without Audrey.
The list I created feels like a weight in my back pocket. That’s where I carry it. I have no idea what I’ll do with it. But acknowledging the past seems like the best way to move forward.
I busy myself with the project and turning in my first draft. Dr. Markson has called and asked me to come in for a meeting. I have absolutely nothing better to do, so I show up twenty minutes early and wait.
The inner office door opens and Dr. Markson appears, smiling and surrounded by the strong wafting scent of incense. “Graham, thank you for coming in on such short notice.”
“Is everything okay with the first draft? I know I need to clarify the hypothesis a little more, but I wanted to run the basics by you first.”
“Your work looks fine,” she says. “I have complete faith in this project. That’s not why I invited you here today.”
“No?” I follow her through the door to her office; and my confusion increases, when I spot Audrey sitting on the couch. She smiles and I notice how bright her eyes look again
st the green of her shirt. I’m too stunned to react.
“Please take a seat, wherever you feel comfortable.” Dr. Markson gestures to the other part of the couch or one of the two empty chairs. I take the one adjacent to her and across from Audrey. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I asked you here, and why Audrey is here, too. Please know, this is, in no way, an ambush; but it is time for me to reveal various aspects of the experiment neither of you were aware of.”
“Okay,” I say, not exactly okay. Dr. Markson and I developed this project together. The fact there were components I was not privy to alarms me. I sneak a glance at Audrey and she looks back confidently. Eyes clear. As stupid as it sounds, I’m not even sure I care about the experiment right now. I’m just happy to be near her.
“All along, I had planned to meet with you both several weeks post experiment. I wanted to give a little time for you two to work through your feelings after you stopped meeting. Audrey brought it to my attention this week that you were both at the same wedding last weekend. That has made it necessary to push up my timeline.”
“Is this about us being intimate outside the controls of the experiment?” I ask.
“No, to be honest, that was one of the outcomes I had considered being a possibility. What I need to reveal to you is that you, Graham, were part of the experiment all along.”
That news hits hard. “What? How?”
“I chose you, in particular, to work with Audrey for all the reasons we discussed early on. You were perfect to conduct the exposure therapy. The one drawback was that you, too, had your own damaged background that needed resolution. You were just too ingrained in your own environment to realize it.”
“So you experimented on me without my knowledge?”
“Sort of. While you exposed Audrey to the various levels of desensitization, she, unknowingly, was exposing you to the possibility of a monogamous relationship. Something you’d never experienced either, due to your background.”
“You’re joking, right?”
Dr. Markson shakes her head, and Audrey looks at me cautiously. “No,” the doctor says. “This isn’t a joke. It’s a fascinating experiment about how slowly exposing people to new stimuli changes their brains and anxiety.”
“I don’t have anxiety.” Both women glance at one another, but neither say a word. “So fine, you were head-shrinking me all along. What does that mean now?”
“It means our study is more revolutionary than before; and I think we’ve definitely got something that will shake up the field of sex therapy in the next six months. The rest is up to you and Audrey.”
It’s all a bit much to handle; and I’m starting to think that, yeah, I do feel ambushed. Dragging me in here to tell me this and forcing me to face Audrey is not what I want right now. Well, it’s what I want. It’s not what I should do.
“I think you’ve just cleared up why I don’t need to pursue a relationship with Audrey. I’m a freaking train wreck and didn’t even realize it.”
Audrey eyes flash. “Over the last three months, you’ve become my world. And not just because of the experiment. Sure, bit-by-bit you broke down my barriers; but that wasn’t because of the directions Dr. Markson left in the black notebook, it was because you and I connected. I trust you. Now I understand, even more, why this happened. You trust me. For the first time you’ve found someone that expects the best from you; not just what they can take from you. I can understand why you’d feel blindsided by Dr. Markson and what she just told you; but at some point, I think what transpired between us went beyond the basic therapy, and into something much deeper.”
Dr. Markson nods, and says, “Do you agree with Audrey?”
“Yes.”
Audrey smiles again, this time in relief. Worry nags in my chest, but she continues, undeterred. “I think it’s fair to say that everything isn’t clear cut for us. We both have baggage. We both have struggled with unhealthy views on sex and love. Real life pounded on the door of our cocoon; and we both panicked, or at least I did. It’s not fair of me to judge your situation with Margaret or your view of sex. You never judged me with mine.”
I stop her. “No, your judgment was harsh; but it made me see the situation more clearly. I thought I was in control of everything. I thought that my engagements with these women were mutually beneficial. I never realized the toll they were taking on me.” I catch Audrey’s eye and feel the burn of the paper in my back pocket. “I didn’t anticipate that it would keep me from finding true relationships with people I care about.”
I move from my seat to sit next to her. The instant I’m close enough, she links her fingers with mine. “I want to try to make this work, even if I’m convinced it’s the worst idea ever,” I tell her. “I’m not ready to let you go. Not yet.”
“Me either,” she says, kissing me on my lips. The simple touch sends a jolt through my body. I have no idea how I have considered living without her.
Dr. Markson coughs, and I separate myself from Audrey. “Sorry,” I mumble and run my hand through my hair.
“No worries. I wasn’t certain if the two of you would develop a relationship past the parameters of the experiment, but it was a definite possibility. How could it not be? The question will be, can you two make this stick? Only time, and continued therapy, will tell.”
“Therapy?” I frown at Audrey. She looks surprised, too.
“I propose that you come back in next week so we delve into all this a bit more. I believe that you two love each other; but I also think that Graham’s concerns are valid. He’s spent years participating in an unconventional, emotional environment. I expect your relationship to be a challenge to maintain.”
“Wow,” Audrey says. “So we’re doomed?”
“Not at all,” Dr. Markson says. “But let’s keep a safety net in place for a while, okay?”
We look at one another and nod, both wanting this. I have a feeling, even without Dr. Markson’s intervention, we’d find a way to be together, to potentially disastrous results.
“So next week? At the same time?” She scribbles in her notebook. She closes the cover and hands Audrey an appointment card.
Audrey’s fingers tighten around mine, and she smiles encouragingly. “I think this will really help. Thank you.”
“Couple’s therapy,” I repeat, but any hesitation I have is pointless. If Audrey wants it, I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever it takes to be a part of her life.
Chapter 41
(Audrey)
Leaving Dr. Markson’s office hand in hand with Graham, I feel happier than I have in a long time. I’m scared out of my mind, but happy. That’s what love and a good fuck will do for you, I guess. We wait for the elevator, shoulders touching and it feels so right.
“How do you really feel about all that?” I ask. Graham’s been quiet since we left the office.
“It’s a lot to process. I’m pretty stunned that she was experimenting on me, as well as you.”
“Are you angry?”
“No, not really, I feel a little stupid, but that’s becoming a regular emotion for me. I thought I had it all figured out.” The doors open and we step inside. Graham smiles, and says, “Funny that the first time I spoke to you was waiting on this elevator.”
I laugh. “I almost didn’t come up.”
“You looked terrified.”
“You looked handsome.” He tilts my chin upward, his mouth presses to mine, and I’m steadied by the way he grounds me. He makes me want more. I bolster the courage, and say, “We’ve both got a long way to go to make this work between us. You have to deal with your self-worth and I want to learn more. Will you teach me?”
His forehead creases. “More?”
“I want to learn everything that comes next. I want to do everything you’ve done with other women. Stuff you like.” I step closer. “Anything you think I’d like. I’m not finished with my, uh, sexual awakening.”
His eyes flash hot and hungry. “I think I can handle that, but I won’t treat
you like those other women, Audrey. You’re more to me than that.”
“I know, and you aren’t something I own. We’re going to do this together. You’ll continue to expose me to sex; and I’m going to expose you to love, because that’s how this is going to work between us. We help each other grow into better, well-balanced people. I love you, Graham, so much.”
I know he’s not ready to say it back; but he shows me how he feels by wrapping his arms around me, tight like a bear. The smile he gives me is genuine, full of respect, and I love seeing his adorable dimples. I love everything about him, baggage and all.
“You think we can make it?” he asks, just as the elevator dings and the doors slide open.
“I think we’ll definitely have fun trying.”
Ignoring the crowd waiting to come inside, I kiss him softly, and then harder, wanting to show him how much I love him. Just like, he showed me.
Roxy lives in the south with her family, two dogs and a semi-feral cat. Her office window looks over a tree-fort and she secretly obsess over the college-aged neighbor down the street, zombies and how much glitter is too much. (answer: there's no such thing). All of her books are rooted in a glimmer of reality with a heap of fiction. She has three other books, The Taboo Series, No Regrets and Tamed. A second book in the Audrey Exposed Series, Graham Defined, is scheduled for release in late 2014.
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