"After I watched the video I realized how much your friendship meant to me. I wanted to make sure I told you. I had no idea why that thought came into my head and would not let me think of anything else. It was like an alien took over my brain and implanted this thought that crowded out everything else. Telling you about how much I cared about you was the only thing I could think of that evening. I pulled the guitar out of my closet and started to string a few cords. The music came back to me like it never left. Before I realized it, I nailed the music. Words just started to flow to the rhythm, and I sat down, took out a piece of paper and wrote the lyrics. I admit I'm much better writing music than cheesy lyrics that rhyme, but this is what I wrote for your song:
"I wonder how, I wonder why,
I see your smile high up in the sky.
I shiver from cold, cut by the ice,
It never gets old to say you are nice.
"So here I go, I say you are nice, great, the best friend ever.
Please remember the next time I'm quiet 'cause I think I'm not clever
To tell you how much you mean to someone like me.
You're like a lifeline; my sight when I cannot see.
You're always there and I swear as long as I live,
I'll be your friend and everything else that I can give.
"Something about you makes me stronger,
I should not wait any longer,
I can face cold, shielded from ice,
It never gets old to say you are nice.
"So here I go, I say you are kind, funny, the best friend ever.
Please remember I mean every word and I will never
Forget how much you mean to someone like me.
You are my lifeline, my sight for I cannot see.
I will always be there for you, I swear.
I will always follow you no matter where."
~Did you say you wrote it the night Stanley died?~
"Yeah, except I didn't know he died. The words just popped in my head. Back then I thought the lyrics were kind of cheesy, but now I don't know what to think. I mean where did the sudden urge to write him a song come from? Where did the words come from? They're not your normal song lyrics."
~No, they're not.~
"I had everything planned perfectly. I recorded my song on my phone, and I was going to play it for Stanley at the gym before the bell rang. We always had time to chat when we got off the school bus. That's why I was playing with my phone. I was trying to get my song uploaded on YouTube. And then the principal and the rest of the school officials came in and made the announcement. My heart stopped, and my hands turned so cold I couldn't even hold my phone. You couldn't imagine the confusion that settled in my head. It's still something I cannot explain. I went over every possible reason I wrote that song. I watched the YouTube video that brother made for his sister at least a hundred times, and I cried myself to sleep every night ever since. I was so desperate, I spent two months tracking that brother down until I was able to connect with him on Tumblr. We've been in touch. He understands what happened to me, sort of."
~What you said in that song, the last verse, did you mean it?~
"That I'd always follow him no matter where?"
~Yes.~
"It's complicated. I never imagined Stanley dead when I wrote the song. What I wrote was about me always standing by him, having his back, that kind of stuff. I wasn't going to become a stalker. Now, though, I don't know why I wrote what I wrote. Frankly, I feel like a part of my decision to end this life is because Stanley's not here anymore. But I'm not sure I expect to find him in some afterlife or wherever. I don't even know if I believe in life after death. No one knows if it exists, and I'm not trying to die just to figure it out. I simply want to check out because I see no sense in staying. I have no purpose, and I'm tired of hiding so that no one can point me out and hurt me or force me to be someone I'm not."
~You'd make my head ache if I had one. Have you ever sat yourself down and looked in the mirror? And I don't mean this figuratively. I mean it literally! What do you see when you look yourself in the eye? Do you like yourself or not? Do you like the way you look? Do you like the way you smile? Do you like the way you frown? Do you like anything at all you see in the mirror? Give me something. I'm looking for straws, my friend. We've been talking your head off, and I still haven't heard a single compelling reason for you to take your life.~
"Why do you need a reason? There are hundreds of little things that pile up and up and up. It's okay if you have another pile of good little things that keep the balance. My reason is I don't have that good pile. I wake up every day looking for something worth keeping in the good pile, but nothing comes my way. I go to bed, and the good pile is still missing. There's your reason."
~Maybe you're not looking hard enough. You said so yourself in your song—Stanley was your lifeline, your sight for you could not see. I don't think those lyrics just popped in your head out of nowhere. I think if you looked in the mirror you'd realize that you really are blind, and blind people often cannot see the good pile even if they stumbled right into it.
~You want something good to come your way. I've got news for you, my friend. Things don't just come your way. You need to get out and march forward and do your share of the good hoping some of it comes back to you. That's how it works. You only attract what you give. If you hide, become invisible, stop communicating, then the good pile won't accumulate along your pathway. It can't. It doesn't have anything to bounce back from. You're not only invisible to the people around you, you're invisible to the good luck or the good pile that comes with putting yourself out there.
~I was wondering, what color is the missing? The kind of missing someone so much, you'd rather be dead than to miss them anymore.~
"It's black and white. Two sharp colors in perfect contrast. You know there must be thousands of colors and shades in between, but you cannot see any of them. It's worse than being color blind because black and white vision has shades that create dimensions. In your world of missing, all you have are two sharp black and white colors, without a single shade. You're stuck in two dimensions. You're left wondering what the world would be like if you could see at least one more color."
~Is that what you see now? Black and white?~
"I'm not color blind, if that's what you're asking. But yes, I pretty much see very little color around me these days."
~I thought so. Honestly, I am so sorry about Stanley. I didn't know how close you were to playing your song for him. That really sucks.~
"I'm done talking about it."
~Fair enough. How did the kids at school take his death? Do you want to tell me about that?~
"Not really."
~I think you should.~
SEVEN
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
there's so much I'd like to tell you but it's too late
~What do you have against hashtags? Look at all of your followers! You've got like four thousand already. I bet it's because of my hashtags.~
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
there's so much I'd like to tell you but it's too late #teens #SuffocationRoulette #TheChokingGame #TheFaintingGame #blackout #death
~That's how it's done. Teenagers are curious. You include interesting hashtags, they'll see them and they'll follow you. All kids want to connect, and I think it's a good thing. You guys connected when Stanley died, don't you remember?~
"That was one time I thought having Facebook was the best thing that could have happened to us."
~Is Stanley's page still up? Can we go back and see the posts?~
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Every time someone posted something new, I'd bawl my eyes out until I could no longer see the screen."
~I remember that. Yet, the days, weeks and even months that followed Stanley's death were incredible because you all came together.~
"Not all of us."
~Most of you. Sure, there were trolls on the page saying nasty stuff like the
y always do. Trolls are the necessary evil that comes with the good. But this time, you kids came together in such numbers and force, there weren't enough trolls in the whole world that could have stopped you from grieving, supporting each other, and saying good bye to someone who united you like nothing else, at least for a little while.~
"I was hooked on Stanley's page. I logged in the minute I would get home from school, and I checked it every few minutes for comments. I can't even count how many comments I posted myself. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd log back in and see the new comments people posted. I was an addict. I couldn't stay away. I read and re-read the most heartbreaking comments that hurt me like hell and made me feel so much pain, I'd shake, crouch and hold my stomach. I was sick—sick with the most excruciating, unbearable grief. Yet, I could not stay away from torturing myself by the thoughts of the most hollow emptiness, agonizing loneliness, and memories of a real friend that would never be with me again. Facebook was my only way to stay connected, in a way. It sounds crazy, but at that time, I believed that until the very last comment was posted, as long as the page had Stanley's name and pictures, as long as I could log in to it, Stanley was not quite gone."
~I saw what you were doing. I knew that's what Stanley's page meant to you. You were the last one to post a comment. That was exactly six months and two days ago until no one responded anymore. Most kids stopped commenting by the summer when everyone left school and the Facebook page. I'm glad you finally stopped posting. Stanley's gone. Facebook won't bring him back.~
"So why do you want me to log in now? I haven't used Facebook since."
~I don't think you've logged out properly.~
"What do mean?"
~You stopped posting because no one would post back. I want you to read some of the comments now and log out knowing your time on this page expired, once and for all.~
"Look, here's the page."
~No. I want you to read the comments out loud.~
"Where do you want me to start?"
~The beginning, start from the top.~
"NEVER FORGET STANLEY MANNICK PAGE ♥ Current location: heaven. R.I.P."
~Do you know who started this page?~
"No. We never asked. Everyone in our grade got an e-mail that the page was up within a few days of his passing. We logged in and never asked who did it. I still don't know. Why do you ask?"
~No particular reason, just wondering. Can you read it to me?~
"No. I can't."
~Okay, I'll read it for you.~
~ ~ ~
Hannah Bartel: I can't believe he's dead.
Trevor Davies: I barely knew him but I already miss him.
Susanne Kelly: I'm going nuts. I still think he'll show up at school tomorrow.
Akisha Ray: Is there anyone who didn't like Stanley?
Chris Oldham: Seriously? That's impossible!
Nikki Cole: Life will never be the same. I miss you so much Stanley!
Chloe Warren: How are we supposed to pretend life is as usual?
Hannah Bartel: It's not and never will be.
Chloe Warren: Why? Why? Why?
Nikki Cole: I'm going to bed and cry myself to sleep ♥ I want to wake up from this nightmare ♥
Sydney Crier: He'll still be gone when you wake up.
Nikki Cole: Shut up Sydney!
Sydney Crier: Everyone go to sleep and get some rest. We need to fight this sadness together. Stanley would have wanted us to be happy for him. He's in a better place.
Cody Adams: Yeah right. What better place could he be than here with us? We miss him soooo much! He was the best guy I'd ever known!
Chloe Warren: We love you Stanley! We'll never stop loving you ♥♥♥
Jackson Flanders: I know we all loved him because of all the tears we shed. We all hugged people we barely knew the day we learned this terrible news in the gym. That day will always be in our hearts. That day we were all the same, no groups, no favorites, we were all hurting like hell. We are still hurting like hell. Stanley changed us, let's not forget that!
Trevor Davies: It's amazing how one person could bring us together like this. Maybe this is an opportunity to be more like him, a great, funny, awesome person.
Maddie Swanson: I will always ♥ Stanley! R.I.P. :-(
Brenna Greer: I don't know what to say. I'm too shocked, too sad, too mad... Nothing makes sense anymore!
Justin Wilson:
Super nice
Amazing
Disturbingly awesome
Extraordinary
Really great
Always in our hearts
Loving
♥☻Loved ☻♥
Ryan Weston: Let's make today Stanley Mannick's Day
Nikki Cole:
Every time I look at the sky,
I see you looking down upon me.
Every time I look at my reflection in the water,
I see you smiling at me.
You have impacted our lives so much!
May you rest in peace Stanley.
We love you :-)
Chloe Warren: Stanley is a memory that can never be taken away. He may be gone but he is now immortal in our hearts.
Nikki Cole: This hurts sooooo much!!! How can I stop it?
Jackson Flanders: You can't. Maybe it's a good thing. The more it hurts the longer we'll remember how sad Stanley's death was. Seriously, let's never forget this!
Nikki Cole: So we're supposed to hurt forever?
Akisha Ray: In a way, I guess. I think it'll never be pain free when you think of him. But you can make peace with it, some day.
Ryan Greer: That's heavy, Kish.
Akisha Ray: What? It's true!
Chloe Warren: Akisha's right. We'll find peace if we remember how great and funny and nice and cool and cute and......he was....
Nikki Cole: I'd give anything to be able to say IS instead of WAS!
Trevor Davies: We all would!
Maddie Swanson: I had a dream Stanley was here but when I woke up he was still gone. I miss you so much Stanley! I'm bawling my eyes out as I type this ♥♥♥
Nikki Cole: Everything happens for a reason. It was God's will to show us that we are only human and will not live forever. Stanley has taught us that we need to cherish our friends, family and special moments we have with each other. We ♥ u S.M.
~ ~ ~
"Stop! Stop it! I can't listen anymore. These posts bring so many memories back, I can't take it."
~Here, let me hold your heart again. It aches so much, it's shaking under my invisible touch.~
"Why did you make me listen to that?"
~So that you remember how intense, raw and painful his death was at that moment in time. All of you kids, even those who didn't know him, mourned his passing. For weeks, you were all alike—shocked, crushed, distraught, heartbroken. You came together supporting one another with your posts, glances in hallways, half-smiles full of sadness, looks that said it all without uttering a word. Your young lives were impacted so deeply, you thought you'd never recover. For once, your social media came to the rescue. Your chats were your outlets. You were free to express your sadness to each other. What color do you think Stanley's page was to you all?~
"Rainbow popping out of a rainy sky. That was the only colorful thing we had. Our comments were like a rainbow. When you read them, you'd feel sad, happy, alone, connected, everything at once like a rainbow. Outside the rainbow was nothing but dreary, gray, rainy sky."
~Stanley's page was a good thing on one hand, and a bad thing on the other.~
"Why would it be a bad thing?"
~After a few months the school year ended and the summer came. People dispersed, going places, doing things you cannot do while at school. You had other things to think of. The posts slowly stopped, and now, a year and a couple of months later, no one even thinks about posting a comment, not even reading an old one.~
"I never stopped thinking about Stanley, not even during the summer."
; ~I know that, but you never told your mom or dad how much it still hurts you. You poured your hearts out on the Internet, but you never told your parents. They were hurting, too. Maybe you all needed to talk.~
"Why didn't you read any of my comments on that page out loud?"
~They were too sad to read. Even I have my boundaries.~
"You still didn't explain why you wanted to log into Stanley's page."
~To show you how everything eventually fades away. Even the death of your best friend hurts less now that time has stepped in and brought new events and memories along. You can't stay in the past. It's gone, done. You can never bring it back, and you can never bring back Stanley. He is in a different place now, and you must let him go.~
"What if I don't want to?"
~You don't have a choice. Time is moving forward, and no one is yet able to reverse its flow. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing you've got is now. Stop brooding over what could have been because it did not happen. It's time to bury Stanley deep in the grave of your heart and say good bye. Kiss his memory and honor it not by following his senseless death but by living a life he never had.~
EIGHT
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
go insane, go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain
~What the—?~
"You don't like my tweet?"
~It's stupid.~
"You're stupid! Stop judging every freaking word I say!"
~I know what you're tweeting.~
"Tell me. I'm curious."
~It's all about you again. You're imagining when you die people will feel the same way they did with Stanley. The world becomes one rainy day, and you'll get your own page full of posts like a rainbow popping up every few minutes when people write what a great kid you were and how much they miss you.~
"You think you're some kind of a shrink? Then tell me why the insane part."
~Easy. First, you can't help yourself. The rhyme is too obvious. You write songs and lyrics, how can you not put insane in that obvious rhyme? Second, you know as well as I do what the posts might be like. Insane could become an over-used word. Admit it, you little freak, you'd get a kick out of it!~
Choking Game Page 5