"Do you wanna know what color insane is?"
~Sure.~
"Purple."
~Purple?~
"Yeah. It's the whole spectrum between red which reminds me of anger and blue which is more calm, soothing. Purple is all of that jumbled together. When you're insane you're never just angry or calm or crazy or smart or calm or oblivious. You're a human jumble of everything you can think of. You're purple."
~I must say, you'd look really interesting with a purple face.~
"You've never seen anyone so mad his face turned purple?"
~You're onto something. I guess I have. Let's see what hashtags I can come up with.~
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
go insane, go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain #mental #asylum #rainbow #RainyDays #GoingCrazy #insanity #help #follow
"An asylum? Do you think I belong there?"
~Why not? Doesn't everyone planning their own death belong there?~
"Of course not!"
~Give me one good reason why not.~
"I already did. I'm tired—tired of hiding, of living alone. I'm tired of my own lonely existence. I'm tired of looking at my shit pile stacked up so high it's about to tip over. There's your reason!"
~Oh, so now we're angry again. You must be leaning more towards the red on your purple spectrum then. That's good.~
"I'm tired of you. Leave me alone. I can't listen to you anymore. We're done."
~No, we're not! I'm just getting warmed up! I've listened to your bullshit for months! Now it's time you listened to me! You want to hear the comments people will post on Twitter? Yes, Twitter, because you will not have your own Facebook page. It was just a fad. Nowadays it's all about 140 characters or less. You won't get rhymes or sob stories like Stanley did. No one has time for that anymore. People's attention has shrunk. It's no more than 140 characters, my friend. And this is what they'll tweet:
~ ~ ~
who was this kid
I don't know
Stanley's friend
you mean Stanley who died a year ago
more like a year and two months ago
who's counting
I am
anyone else
I'm counting too
how can we forget Stanley
we did! guys we haven't mentioned Stanley since this past summer
does he still have the Facebook page
I think he does
we should check it out
I just did I posted a comment
I did too
gosh I still miss Stanley so much
how could we have forgotten
we never did we just went on with our lives
hey guys let's make today Stanley's day
we already had Stanley's day
but we never observed it
I'm in
okay − today is Stanley's day~
~ ~ ~
"Shut up! Shut up!"
~What? What did you think people are going to post? How great you were? How much they miss you? Nobody knows anything about you! Kids hardly know your name! You're the one who made sure of that! What did you expect for crying out loud?!~
"Ahhh...."
~Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crying isn't gonna change a thing. Even if you die, kids will still think of you as nothing but Stanley's friend. Why? Because that was the only time you allowed them to see you. It's not their fault. You did it to yourself. You got what you wanted.~
"Fine. Then I might as well end this. You said so yourself—I don't mean a thing to anybody, so why bother sticking around?"
~Exactly! Go ahead! Where are your pills? Do you have enough?~
"Here!"
~What is this? Sleeping pills? Six? That's all you've got? That's not enough to kill yourself!~
"Mom didn't get a refill yet."
~You've been planning this for so long but you couldn't make sure you had enough pills before your mom gobbled them all?~
"I had to be careful not to make her suspicious. She'd figure something was going on."
~It doesn't matter now. When she finds you dead, she will figure out something went on all right. What difference does it make at this point? Go ahead, check her room. She must have some pills left.~
"Are you—"
~What are you waiting for, you chicken?~
"I'm not a chicken! Let's see what she's got."
~Nothing. You make me wanna puke. I know you waited until she ran out so you'd have an excuse to wait again.~
"I did not! Be quiet! Here, see this?! I'm taking them, one, two, three, four..."
~Hm, that'll do it. You'll sleep the whole night and day, nicely rested and dazed.~
"Stop mocking me! Just shut up and leave me alone!"
~I wish it was that easy.~
"All right. You want to see me do it? Do you?"
~Can you?~
"Here. Where is it? Here. Now we'll see who's the chicken here."
~What are you doing?!~
"What? You're scared or something? Well, I'm not. I got to hurry before I fall asleep. It'll be a perfect, long, very long sleep. It'll last forever!"
~Stop! Stop! Stop it, all right!~
"What? You pushed me, so what do you want now?!"
~I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't think you would...~
"Ugh, ugh..."
~Oh, my God! Stop it! Don't pull! Ease the rope! Ease the rope! Hear me?! Ease the rope you're falling! Oh, my God!~
"Uhh...."
~NOOOOOOO!~
"Uhh..."
~I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you'd do something like that. I'm so sorry.~
"Egh, egh..."
~Cough, cough some more. It'll help you breathe again.~
"My head's spinning."
~Can you throw up the pills?~
"I got to go to sleep."
~Throw them up! Please! Stick your damn finger in your mouth!~
"I got to go to sleep."
~Stick it in there! You need to puke! PLEASE!~
"Uh, uh, uh—"
~Good. I'm sorry. You did good. Have some water, you'll feel better.~
"I still need to go to sleep."
~I know you do. I'll watch over you if I can stay awake, which I don't think I—~
"Death is not final. I am the beginning of life. Life thereafter. Feel my hollow lips, I'll kiss you gently, pulling you in within my empty realm. I'll take your breath away, one shallow breath at a time. You breathe out, I'll inhale. You'll breathe in, I'll steal your air away. Until there's no more air inside of you. Your lungs are empty, lifting, collapsing back. Your beautiful mind is asleep. I am your sleep; I am your forgetting. I'm peaceful and kind. I'm silent and patient. You wander off and I'm holding you in my empty arms forever. I feel your heart weaken, skipping a beat, one at a time. Skip, skip, skip... I love this slow, uneven rhythm. I'll wait till it doesn't beat at all. I'll patiently wait until the magical silence enwraps you and me for eternity. I am not final. We will remain together in the time of thereafter."
~Wake up! Wake up! Hey! Wake UP!~
"Ugh—"
~What was that?~
"I had a wild dream."
~I did too! Except it was way too real!~
"What do you mean?"
~Gosh, that was creepy! I swear I was watching you. I…I wasn't in your head. I know this may sound crazy, but I swear I was hovering or something over you and watched you sleep. And yet, I was dreaming at the same time. I was dreaming about your death. It was so creepy.~
"I bet I had the same dream. I didn't really see it, but something was talking to me about death. It was almost exactly like I described it in my journal. I felt like this invisible thing was stealing my breath and slowing down my heart rate and taking me away and—"
~That was exactly when I suddenly was out and watching you passed out below me. You were close, my friend, awfully close.~
"Do you think those pills…I mean, I didn't puke them all out?"
~I think it was b
ecause you choked yourself senseless. That freaking choking game of yours is deadly, and you almost made it. If I weren't so scared and worried you'd do something stupid again, I'd scream at you every single profanity I could think of.~
"This may sound weird, but it wasn't all that bad."
~What do you mean it wasn't all that bad?~
"If that was really me dying, I didn't feel much. You know, like anxiety or pain or—"
~Shut your mouth! This is no joke. Granted, I went a little too far pushing you to take the pills. All I wanted was for you to show me whether or not you were serious enough. Evidently, you were. I had no idea you had a backup plan and the rope in your closet. You can't do this to me ever again, do you understand?~
"No, I don't. What did I do to you?"
~You surprised me. You hid the rope, and I never saw you do it. From now on, I want to know everything you do.~
"No, you don't."
~Oh, yes, I do. We're in it together. You may be the crazy ego that does the killing of your demons, but I am your heart and soul, and you'll kill me, too. I have the right to know when it's coming.~
"Why are you so scared of dying? Haven't you read somewhere that the soul is eternal? That the soul never dies? If that's the case, you have nothing to worry about."
~Yeah. I wish. The problem is the phrase If that's the case, which, of course, we don't know the answer to.~
"This is a stupid conversation."
~You know what else is stupid?~
"What?"
~The way you were going to do it in the end. Total copycat. You were about to choke yourself to death like Stanley did in the choking game. Can you imagine the tweets if you succeeded?
~ ~ ~
that crazy kid pulled a Stanley
couldn't even come up with something original
this choking game's getting old
only desperate kids do it now
do you think that kid was desperate
more like insane
or bizarre
I still miss Stanley
at least he didn't want to kill himself he just played
I know accidents happen
I wish it did not he'd still be here~
~ ~ ~
"That's enough!"
~I know, but do you see how wrong it'd be if you choked yourself? You want to make a statement not ridicule yourself. As far as I'm concerned, I won't encourage you again. I don't want to be the one responsible for your death. That's your choice. My job is to make sure you know what you're doing. So no more experimenting. We have not finished our discussion yet.~
"Do you like listening to yourself? It seems to me you do because I already told you several times, I'm tired of this discussion. What else is there to discuss?"
~The good pile.~
"The good pile? I didn't know there was one."
~Come here. Take a look in the mirror.~
"What for?"
~Just do it.~
NINE
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
I wonder how often my shyness is mistaken for being stuck up because it happens a lot and I'm sorry about it
~I don't know. I think you're right. It does happen a lot. Is that why you think you can't fit in? Is your 'unable to fit in' something you put into your bad pile? Maybe you should hashtag it and see what comes up in the feed. How about this?~
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
I wonder how often my shyness is mistaken for being stuck up because it happens a lot and I'm sorry about it #shy #lonely #arrogant #awkward
~Tell me the first word that comes to mind when you look in the mirror.~
"Alone."
~Okay. Do you like being alone?~
"Sometimes. Most of the time."
~You spend a lot of time alone. If you like it so much, then it's a good thing no one bothers you. No one stops you from being alone. Isn't that a good thing?~
"I guess."
~Well, put it in your good pile. Now, what's the next word that comes to mind?~
"Ugly."
~I beg to differ. You know as well as I do that you're not bad looking at all. There are plenty of kids in your school who got cheated in that department. You came out okay. I think you said ugly because you feel ugly on the inside, not on the outside.~
"What difference does it make? Ugly is ugly, inside or out, same thing."
~No, it's not. Let's assume you're ugly on the inside and okay looking on the outside. There's your balance. One goes in the bad pile, and one goes in the good pile.~
"Is this another one of your psychobabbles?"
~It's no psychobabble. I'm just showing you the pile you neglected to see. What's the third word?~
"Depressed."
~Now we're getting somewhere. I like it when you're honest.~
"I'm always honest."
~Is that a joke? Because I'm not laughing. Why do you think you're depressed?~
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be depressed."
~See, that's the thing. You don't even know your own self. You're looking at the mirror and everything you say is so vague. It's your lame excuse not to know who you are and what you want in this life.~
"Then tell me, if you're so damn smart, what do I want in this life?"
~The good pile to grow and balance the bad pile. You said so yourself.~
"That's really helpful."
~No. You don't understand. The good pile is already there, you just don't see it. You're so preoccupied with the bad one, you're blind toward the good. I already showed you, didn't I? Let's say you're depressed. Okay, I believe you. Is it because you don't play your music anymore?~
"Maybe."
~It's your decision. You can reverse it. At least you know your music, and you're sure good at it. That's a huge piece to throw into the good pile. Next. How about your folks? You're still mad at them?~
"Yeah."
~They argued with each other, not with you. It's not about you. That's a good thing. They love you, and they're trying their best. That's a great thing, don't you think?~
"Ehm..."
~Okay, school. Are you failing any subjects?~
"No, not really."
~You're not a genius, but you're not failing either. There are kids a lot closer to a failing grade then you've ever been. Good thing. How about friends? Do you have any?~
"No."
~Well, at least no friends no drama. Teenage friends are not what you'd consider a reliable resource.~
"Is that supposed to be a consolation?"
~At least you don't have the drama, that's a good thing. The fact that you have no friends is your fault. Don't blame others. You're the one who doesn't want to connect with anyone. You get what you give. Look in the mirror again. What word comes up?~
"Shy."
~I think that's your number one problem. You tweeted it yourself. You're too shy, and you come across as stuck up. You project the wrong image. Unless you see yourself for who you really are, others won't see it either. I could go on and on about this good pile. I can assure you it would be almost as high as the bad one. Granted, nothing can possibly balance Stanley's death, but you need to look inside you for what it meant and what it taught you. You’ve got a lot of work to do before you can seriously say you did all of your homework and found no reason to stay. Promise me you'll do it.~
"You think it's easy for people to look in the mirror and say all the stuff they don't want to hear?"
~Why wouldn't you want to hear the truth?~
"Because it upsets me."
~Why does it upset you? It's the truth.~
"I don't know."
~Of course you do. We went over this before. Truth hurts. Sometimes it shows the side of you that you are ashamed of. It prompts you to act; it changes you. You can't ignore it once you acknowledge it. This is not a question. This is the answer, it's all of the above. Check.~
TEN
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
perks of being my friend:
you'll be the only one
~If that's not desperation, I don't know what is.~
"So what? You wanted me to be truthful, didn't you?"
~Truthful, yes; desperate, no.~
"I'm not desperate. I am simply telling the truth. All I need right now is one real friend. Someone I can trust."
~Okay. Here, this will do.~
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
perks of being my friend: you'll be the only one #friendship #realfriends #trust #honesty #follow
~Why do you need a friend if you're not planning to stick around, though?~
"To make sure a friend won't make a difference even if there is one in my good pile."
~Makes sense. Hey, look over there. That kid, he's wrapping a locker.~
"What's so interesting about it?"
~Don't you hear the other kids?~
"Why are you wrapping your own locker, dude?" Ethan said with a mean smirk on his face.
"It's not my locker," Luke said.
"Like hell it's not. Open it," Ethan said.
"It's not my locker," Luke said.
"Open it." Ethan stepped closer and snatched Luke's cell phone.
"Hey! Give me that!" Luke cried out.
"Open that locker or I'll drop your phone and smash it with my foot," Ethan said.
~Why is that mean dude talking like that? What is it to him if that kid's wrapping his own locker? Do something!~
"What do you want me to do?"
~Get that kid's phone or something.~
"I can't do that. That shithead is huge. No one can fight him."
~You can't just stand here and do nothing!~
"Your phone drops on the count of three. One, two..." Ethan said.
"Give me that!"
~What? Who is she? I've never seen this girl in our school. Where did she come from?~
"I've never seen her either. She appeared out of nowhere. I can't believe she walked over to Ethan and snatched Luke's phone out of his hand."
~Of course you've never seen her. If you did, I'd have seen her, too.~
"Everybody's staring at her. They all look stunned."
~Why would they be stunned?~
"Because she's stunning, duh! Tall, slim, dark hair almost to her waist and a face jerks like Ethan will be drooling over for weeks. I wonder who she is."
~We have to find out.~
"Here's your phone," the girl said to Luke and then she turned to Ethan. "Don't you have anything better to do than to bother people who obviously don't give a damn about you? Find yourself someone your own size if you wanna fight. Or maybe I'm wrong—you don't wanna fight because you're too scared to get your butt kicked." With that, the girl turned back to Luke. "Thanks for wrapping my locker. How did you know it was my birthday?"
Choking Game Page 6