~I'm not sure I like this speech, MJ.~
"Have you ever gone crazy, MJ?" Angelica asked.
"Every freaking day since I got out of elementary school."
~That long? Why haven't I noticed you were in trouble before? How could you hide from me like that? I thought we were a team!~
"I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one freaking out every day," Luke exhaled.
"Which one of the sanitizers do you hate the most, MJ?" Angelica asked.
"The plan."
~The plan? What is the plan?~
"It's like you're not your own person, ever. Your whole life is planned for you from the get go. And the more you try to steer away from the plan, the tighter the leash they have on you gets. It starts small, so you don't suspect anything. Little kids in organized play dates. They all have to share and be nice. They can't fight or say bad words. They are told to have fun, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. No one ever defines what fun is. It's as vague as it is overused."
"Fun is like a codeword for anything as long as it's not spontaneous." Angelica snorted a loud laugh.
"You're so right about that!" Luke laughed, too. "I saw a YouTube video of this Hollywood producer with his kids in this crazy decorated carriage with horses riding around their humongous mansion. These parents were inside the carriage with their kids and asking them over and over again, Are you having fun? Gosh, it was so f-ing stupid I felt sorry for those kids even though they probably had more money and stuff than I'll ever see in my entire life."
"Ha, ha, ha!" Angelica was sitting on the floor laughing with Luke. "It is a stupid question. I noticed the more overbearing the parents are, the more often they ask their kids if they have fun. It's like these parents want to believe their kids are happy no matter what. It's stupid and pathetic."
~Now that was not very poetic!~
"She's real, though, isn't she?"
"And then the plan continues. In elementary school, you're supposed to do activities. It doesn't matter if you like them or not. You do them because everyone else does them. Parents sign you up for this and you hate it, so they sign you up for that. You hate it too, so they find something else for you to like. If you're lucky like me, you end up hating it all until your parents give up wasting their money and leave you alone."
"Ha, ha, ha! That's what my folks did," Luke said.
"I didn't do after school activities," Angelica said. "I think it was because I was in Germany. Mom didn't feel like she had to sign me up for everything everyone else was doing because there were plenty of kids like me who didn't bother."
"I wonder how many boys on their baseball teams don't even like group sports or how many swimmers hate the chlorine water. And what about those amazing gymnasts who'd rather put up with the daily torture in the gym than to tell their moms they don't want to do one more flip on the beam because they're scared they'll miss and crack their heads open? How many mothers and fathers don't even know their kids' nightmares aren't that they won't be Olympic athletes, but what it'll be like when they finally quit and watch their parents' disappointment." Luke shook his head.
"Some kids like their sports or whatever activities they're doing," Angelica said, "but there's just as many of those who don't. But you wouldn't know it if you listened to all these parents talking about their awesome kids."
"And the sanitizer keeps on spewing. By the time you're in middle and high school, you're placed in so many accelerated, honors, and AP classes, you think regular classes don't exist in your school. Everyone's in some sort of honor stuff. Just showing up at school every day will get you some stupid award. And the silly moms will plaster gazillions of photos they took of their wonderful, precious children getting some idiotic award all over Facebook. The moms compete with one another. It seems like every parent wants to put something on the Facebook newsfeed so the pressure goes up to get some piece of a paper that says you're good enough."
~You never seemed under any pressure to perform. Did I miss something?~
"That's because I don't talk to my parents. I'm sure if I did, they'd find something to brag about on their newsfeed."
~I guess not talking to them makes sense sometimes.~
"From the day we start to speak, we are told what to think, what to do, and what not to say. Everywhere you turn, you hear about achievement, things we do and things we own. I'm tired of listening to it. I refuse to believe those are the only things that define who I am."
~And they are not! I AM who YOU ARE! I am much more than those things! The stuff you mentioned is all about ego. I am the soul, the spirit, and I am far above what many people think is important.~
"You are not your achievement or the things you own," Angelica said. "You are what you feel."
~She's so right! That's basically what I said. Can you feel me, MJ? It's the feeling that counts! It's all about what you feel inside!~
"What if I don't want to feel anything inside?"
~But you do, MJ, like it or not.~
"The only thing I feel is anger and loneliness. I'm numb."
~No, you're not. You feel a lot. You feel in color.~
"What?"
~That's right. Your feelings are so intense, you are able to express them in color.~
"What are you talking about?"
~Why do you think I always make you describe the colors you think the words you feel are like? To amuse myself? Of course not! I make you aware of the colors to make you aware of your feelings. It's my way of showing you that you still care. Caring is a powerful feeling, MJ.~
"You sneaky little..."
~What? Are you going to call me a name? I hope it's not a bad one. I certainly don't deserve it.~
"You sneaky little thing."
~I'm not a thing. You know who I am.~
"What am I supposed to call you?"
~How about you sneaky little spirit, little angel, little soul, little friend?~
"Little angel? Aren't you a bit full of yourself?"
~Not all angels come with wings, MJ. Besides, I’ve got like a million names better than what you came up with! I have been your most loyal companion ever since you came into existence! Don't you think it's about time you acknowledged me for who I am?~
"My loyal little me. How about that?"
~I like it. I like it a lot. Do you know why?~
"Why?"
~It looks like you're finally realizing that I AM what defines you, not your little ego. I think I'm finally getting the upper hand.~
"Not so fast my loyal little me! We have a long way to go."
~I'll settle for that!~
"No wonder kids move from one social site to the next. Who wants to be monitored by the parents they had to befriend? And even worse, who wants to be embarrassed by his zealous mother's post bragging her kid got an award even though half the school got it?! One of my friend's mothers posted something like that on his wall, and almost every friend he had unfriended him!" Luke said.
"My parents gave up. I don't think they even know which sites I'm on anymore. They can't keep up."
~What about me? I can't keep up either.~
"It's not only the sanitizer," Luke said. "I sometimes feel like I'm tied up in a straitjacket and caged up just in case I rip the jacket off."
"Seriously?"
~Seriously?~
"This is funny, I thought the same thing!"
~You never told me that!~
"You did?" Luke said.
"Yeah! First you can't run around on your own; you can't say what you really think. You're told what to do, what to say and the endless list of words you're not supposed to say; you're told how to think, how to feel, and what it is you want for the rest of your life. You have no identity. You are a madman in a straitjacket who must be coached and protected from his own self. You want to scream, but the more you scream, the tighter the jacket gets. If you keep screaming, someone in the adult world around you will figure out there must be something wrong with you. And before you can defend yours
elf, you're diagnosed with a syndrome no one has ever heard of so that the guards can medicate you until you stop screaming. Until you run out of air and collapse. Until you're numb and do what they say. Until you fulfill your parents' plans for the life they never had."
~Wow! Is this the real reason you checked out from your family?~
"Are you, MJ?" Angelica asked.
"Am I what?"
~I don't know what she's asking either.~
"Are you numb?" Angelica said.
"Almost."
"I refuse to be numbified!" Luke said.
"I love that word!" Angelica said. "I refuse to be numbified!"
"Me too!"
~Me too! Hey! We have another thing in common!~
"When I feel this numbness creeping toward me, I talk to myself."
~Hey! I thought it was our secret!~
"I talk to myself, too!" Luke said.
"I talk to myself all the time!" Angelica jumped from the floor and threw her arms up in the air. "We're a bunch of loonies! This is so cool! I have the perfect tweet for this!"
Countdown To Infinity @AngelicaA
people get hypothermia from looking at us 'cause we're so cool
FOURTEEN
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
being a loon makes me feel alive
~I think Angelica's getting to you.~
"What do you mean?"
~She's making you think and talk a lot more than I ever could. I like this girl a lot.~
"You think you know what my tweet is about?"
~Absolutely. Here, I'll show you what it means.~
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
being a loon makes me feel alive #life #purpose #realfeelings #friendship #nonconformity #beyourself #brave
"You know your hashtags are pretty weird, right?"
~Who cares! The only thing that matters is that you and I understand them.~
"MJ!" Angelica said.
"Yes?"
"Have you always been a loner or did you just get up one day and decide you wanted to be left alone?" Angelica asked.
"What?"
~That's a pretty straightforward question. Answer her.~
"I don't remember. I… I guess it kind of happened gradually."
~You don't even remember when and why you got this way?~
"Do you have ANY friends?" Angelica said.
"Um… um, no."
~That's pathetic.~
"Who was Stanley?" Angelica said.
"What? Who told you?!"
~Calm down! She's just asking!~
"How did you find out about Stanley?" Luke asked.
"I didn't find out about him. Someone mentioned him at school and then I checked the Internet," Angelica said.
"He was my friend. The best friend I ever had."
~Amen to that.~
"So you did have a friend," Angelica said.
"I did, too. Stanley was the nicest guy I'd ever known," Luke said.
"I know what happened to him," Angelica said. "It must have been awful for you two. I'm really sorry."
"I have a hard time talking about him," Luke said.
"Me too."
~You should talk. I think it's helpful, don't you?~
"It was an accident. It doesn't seem he was unhappy. So that's a good thing," Angelica said.
"A good thing? Why would him dying be a good thing!?"
~Why are you going off like a time bomb on her?~
"I didn't say it was a good thing he died," Angelica said. "I said it was a good thing he did not want to die."
"But he died! And now he's dead! That's a horrible thing! The worst that could have happened!"
~I thought you and I got over him, but now I see you're still far from it. We have a lot of work to do, MJ.~
"MJ's right," Luke said. "Stanley was the best friend anyone could have, and he did not deserve to die. He did one stupid stunt and ended up dead. That's not fair!"
"And what is? What is fairness anyway? Would it be fair for someone else to die instead? Someone who's not so nice maybe? Someone who may even WANT to die? What about you, Luke? Do YOU want to die? How about you, MJ? I’ve got news for you two. Life is what it is. It has nothing to do with fairness," Angelica said.
"And who are you? Some kind of a wizard?"
~Don't talk to her like that! That's not nice!~
"Don't lecture us about life and fairness! You didn't even know Stanley! You have no right to analyze his death!" Luke yelled.
"I'm not analyzing Stanley and what happened to him. I'm only trying to understand you two," Angelica said.
"Well, you don't and you won't!"
~Where are you going? I like it here! I want to stay! No!~
~What the hell was that all about? You stormed out of there like a fireball.~
"Didn't you hear her? She never met Stanley, but she talked about him like he deserved to die or something."
~She never said that! You're jumping to conclusions. She asked about him and then she said the good thing was he was a happy guy, not someone who was desperate enough to kill himself. I don't know what's so wrong about that. She's right. Whether you like it or not, Angelica is right. Imagine how you would feel if you found out Stanley was so miserable he killed himself, and you never saw it coming. I guarantee you'd feel a heck of a lot worse about his death than how you feel about it right now. Angelica is right, MJ. She is.~
"So now I feel like a total ass for storming out of her place. That's great. Now what?"
~Now you go back and apologize.~
"Apologize?"
~You've never done that, have you? At least I don't remember you ever apologizing for anything. Maybe it's time you learned how it's done. You never know, it could come in handy one day.~
"I may have to discover that font for sarcasm myself pretty soon."
~You don't have to do that on my behalf.~
"Yeah, right."
"Feeling better?" Angelica said.
"No, I'm not."
~I know that. She knows that, too.~
"Look, for what it's worth, it must have been a wonderful thing to know someone like Stanley. No one will ever take that away from you. The memories you have with him," Angelica said.
"But it hurts so bad, I still can't even mention his name."
~Go ahead. Angelica will not judge your tears. Luke's tearing up, too. You two need to let it all out. Don't keep your pain inside; it's eating you up. Share it with Angelica. She's strong.~
"Which would you rather have, a life in which you never met Stanley so you wouldn't be hurting right now, or a life in which you found real friendship but lost it and was left with this aching pain?" Angelica asked.
"Good question."
~Yeah, very good question.~
"I don't know. What about you, Luke?"
~I'm curious what he's got to say.~
"I suppose I'd still take Stanley. I was so happy around him, I didn't know I could be that happy before. I didn't even mind going to school. It was like there was somebody there who understood me. Stanley made me feel like I was not alone. It was great," Luke said.
"You really do not have any other close friends?" Angelica asked.
"No. My dad moves a lot for his job. Every couple of years or so we move to another state. Even when I made new friends, I lost every one of them eventually. It got so bad, I decided not to get close to anybody so that I wouldn't get hurt next time we'd move," Luke said.
"I always thought moving to new cities had to be cool."
~I think I agree with Luke. It can't be all that cool.~
"Not when you never know where your damn home is," Luke said.
"Where's the rest of your family?" Angelica asked.
"All over the place," Luke said.
"I've lived in this city my whole life. We only moved once, from a small house to a big one, to a so-called good neighborhood, just so we can live like everyone else here."
~Maybe it's not so bad to be rooted somewhere
. Everyone needs a place they can think of as home.~
"I didn't ask to live like everyone else. I want my own life, my own stories."
~I'm not sure I follow. You're not being very clear.~
"I didn't move as much as you did," Angelica said, "but I didn't like it either. That's why I collected the seashells. I learned to keep my home in my heart."
"The most important thing about Stanley for me was that I could trust him. I could be myself and not pretend I was someone else just to make him like me."
~I always thought that's what it was. I wish you’d told me, though. Getting information from you is like pulling teeth.~
"I didn't mean to make you upset, MJ. I hope you understand that. You do not have to pretend with me either. The way you stormed out of here showed me how much you cared and how much you still hurt. Like I said, life isn't about fairness. Fairness is another one of those vague words. We're bombarded with it all the time, but what does it really mean? What is fair? It cuts both ways. Something that's fair for someone will not be fair to someone else. Fairness is subjective. If life were fair, everything would be even, equal, neutralized, same. If everything in life is evened out and neutralized, what's left to live for? Can you imagine such a life? Day in and day out the same, monotonous living with no drive to do something, no desire, wish, no dream, just a blank stare into the scripted life someone else decided for us." Angelica shook her head.
"But isn't that kind of what we're doing?" Luke said. "I mean where is the freedom? You're either the good kid who does everything he's told to do, or you're the bad kid who stops listening. Where's the middle ground? How can you be yourself and still be everything everyone wants from you?"
"You can't and you shouldn't," Angelica said. "You are the most important person in your life. Remember that every time someone tells you you should be like someone else. You are who you are, and someone else is someone else. It doesn't mean you have to stop going to school or taking tests, or doing whatever you're doing. There are other ways to find your identity. I found it in my paintings. The only thing that matters is to find yourself in what it is you love and to own it."
Choking Game Page 9