~Well, well, well. This will be interesting. I'm dying to see who shows up.~
"Me too."
~It's good to see you're interested in something.~
"I'm not such a loner as you think."
~Really? You had me fooled.~
"MJ! Come in, Luke's already here," Angelica said.
~I wonder if she invited anyone else aside from you and Luke.~
"Hey," Luke said.
"Hey."
~Hey? You don't even have an original greeting? This get-together is getting wild from the start.~
"Stop being such a sarcastic jerk."
~Too bad there isn't a font for sarcasm. We could write some notable tweets.~
"As if you ever came up with anything original. All you can write are hashtags."
"This is my room," Angelica said.
"Wow! Where did you get all these seashells?" Luke asked.
"I collected them over the years. We travel a lot, Mom and I."
"I love this one!"
~Funny, I love it too. Hey, we have something in common!~
"Are you being sarcastic?"
~Of course not! I'm serious. I always wanted to have something other than this body in common with you.~
"It's called a trumpet seashell. This one's more rare and expensive because it's about eighteen inches long. If you cut a small hole in its tip, it'll make a loud, trumpet-like sound, Angelica said"
"That's so cool," Luke said. "Why do you have so many? Your room's like an ocean."
"I love seashells. They keep me grounded," Angelica smiled.
"They keep you grounded? I've heard all kind of things people say about seashells. Keeping someone grounded is the first."
~Me too. You took the words right out of my mouth.~
"You have no mouth. The mouth was mine last time I checked. You're nothing but a voice."
~Pretty loud one, I'd say.~
"You got that one right."
"How do seashells keep you grounded?" Luke asked.
"Listen to this." Angelica put the trumpet seashell close to Luke's ear and covered his other ear with her palm.
"It's like I'm near the ocean," Luke said.
"Exactly," Angelica said. "You can take a seashell, wash it off with soap, sand, water or hydrogen peroxide, if you want, and it will hum the sound of the water it came from. You can take it a hundred, a thousand miles away to a desert, and the sea the shell came from will keep on humming inside. You can even break a hole in its end and try to blow your own trumpet sound, but the seashell will not forget the sound of the sea that was its home. It's the same for any seashell, big or small. Whenever I feel like I'm losing my way, I look at my seashells. Every one of them has its own sound of the sea because a seashell never forgets where it came from. Its home becomes a part of the seashell forever. I like that. I like to know where my true home is."
"Where is it?" Luke asked.
"Here." Angelica pointed at her heart.
~She's a poet.~
"What? She's a poet?"
~Yeah! Don't you just love it? How she's not afraid to open up?~
"What's that got to do with being a poet?"
~I don't know. I like how she talks about the seashells and their home. It sounds pretty darn poetic to me.~
"Dude, I'm glad no one but me can hear you."
~That's mean! I'd love to be heard all over the world!~
"Are you being sarcastic?"
~What do you think?~
"Probably not."
~Yep.~
"You mean your heart?" Luke said.
~Gosh, this dude is dense!~
"Why? Not everyone recognizes a poet like you do!"
~They better discover that font for sarcasm. I'm dying to tweet stuff that'll set you straight.~
"You need to chill out."
~Wow! I haven't heard that comment in years! I totally forgot people used to say that!~
"Yeah. My heart. When I was eight, Mom and I moved to Europe where we lived for several years. I felt out of place there. At first, I didn't know the language, I had no friends—just family members I could not even understand. I'd beg my mom to take me home but she wouldn't, and I hated her for that. After a while, I realized I just had to suck it up, and that's when I read this saying: Home is where the heart is. I didn't understand it completely, but it made sense. Over the years, especially after we came back to the U.S., I began to truly understand what it meant."
"So, what does it mean? Can you tell us?"
~Yeah, I think I know what she's about to say, but I'd like to hear it from her first.~
"Your home isn't a thing or a place. It's you, it's what you love, what you care about; it's what you crave day in and day out. Your home is what you want the rest of your life to be."
~Are you going to say something? You two are gaping at her like two dumbfounded suckers.~
"What's there to say? It's not like she's asking us to comment."
"You take this home with you everywhere. No one can wash it off, burn it, or take it away no matter how far you travel. Just like a seashell, you keep your home inside, and as long as you know what it is you love, care and crave, you'll never lose it, no matter what," Angelica said.
"Wow. I never thought of a home like that. Makes sense, though," Luke said.
"When did you realize what the word home meant to you?"
~Listen to her carefully. You may learn something.~
"Only a couple of years back. I always collected seashells. I always liked them, even though I didn't know why. I suppose I always missed having a real place to call home. We moved a lot," Angelica said.
"So you lived in Europe?"
~This girl is really something. She talks like a poet, and she's been places. Aren't you a teeny bit envious?~
"Envious? Of what? Why would I be envious? Leave me alone, I want to hear what she's got to say."
"My dad was German. He met my mom while he was working in New York City, and they got married and had me. After he died, Mom stayed in the city, but she had a really hard time. The city reminded her of what had happened to my dad. She battled depression, and finally, when I was in third grade, she gave in and took my German grandparents' offer to move to Munich and live with them. That's what she told me at first. When I got a lot older, she finally fessed up the rest of the story."
"What happened?" Luke said.
"Mom got pregnant with some married guy who used to work with my dad. He wasn't going to divorce his wife. Mom was too upset and didn't want to stick around. My German grandpa and grandma were pretty wealthy, and they wanted me to grow up there, close to them. So Mom took their offer to move into their big house. I hated it at first. Mom didn't really give me much of a warning. I came home from school one day and all our stuff was packed. She took me straight to the airport. All I remember is that I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to my friends at school."
"I'm sorry."
~What are you sorry about? This happened years ago. Angelica probably doesn't even care anymore.~
"I just wanted to say something. I felt bad for her."
"That's the first time I thought I lost home. My little sister was born in Germany. We stayed several years, and I learned the language and found new friends. I thought I found myself a new home. I was pretty happy. Mom wasn't, though. She was even more depressed because she missed her parents and her friends, and she had a hard time learning German. I think she didn't want to learn German so that she'd have an excuse not to like living there."
"Did you like it? Did you like Germany?" Luke asked.
"Loved it. We lived in a smaller village near Munich. Everyone pretty much knew each other, and you could run around with other kids until dark, and no one would worry about where you were all the time. I felt free. I think it was that freedom I loved the most. I never felt the same freedom here in the U.S.," Angelica said.
"Mom would never let me run around the neighborhood with other kids until dark when I was in third
grade."
~I always thought she was overprotective. Always thinking someone will drive by and snatch you if she'd as much as look away.~
"Kids as little as the first grade walked to school by themselves. And when they were old enough to go to sixth grade, they'd take the public bus to go all the way to one of the schools in Munich. Have you ever been there? Munich's huge. You have to switch buses or take a tram to get to some of those schools. Kids do it all the time. No one's watching their every step when they're in the sixth grade," Angelica said.
"Did you go to a school in Munich, too?" Luke asked.
"I was about to. I was accepted to this very selective art school, and I was ready to start when Mom pulled the same crap like she did the first time. I came home one day and all our stuff was packed. She took me straight to the airport," Angelica said.
"You're kidding!"
~Why would she be kidding about something like that?~
"Came to find out my sister's dad divorced his wife and wanted Mom back in New York," Angelica said.
"That sucks!"
~Why would it suck? It was her little sister's dad. Maybe it was a good thing.~
"Exactly. It sucked. He was an asshole. No wonder his wife divorced him. I can't believe my mom fell for him," Angelica shook her head.
"What did he do?" Luke asked.
"He was a very successful lawyer. He made a lot of money and spent it like it was water. He kept us in his big house, nicely tucked in the Westchester suburbs with the rest of the suckers caged in their kitschy mansions."
"That's an interesting way to describe suburbia."
~I'd say. You see now? Is she poetic or what?~
"Wow! Ha, ha," Luke laughed.
"Ha, ha, ha!" Angelica twirled and threw a scarf around her neck. She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. "Dear Cathryn, you must come over to my house and help me pick up new dining room chairs! I swear if I look at that hideous pattern one more time, I'll have a heart attack!"
"What?" Luke furrowed his eyebrows.
"That's the kind of crap these people worry about! I'm not kidding! That's exactly what one pompous, snooty broad told my mom at one of the birthday parties my sister was invited to. There were like twelve kids being told to have fun by twelve mothers sucking wine like it was going out of style, talking trash like that. Mom took me with her because she thought I'd enjoy tagging along. It was torture! I had to bite my tongue each time one of the moms said something," Angelica said.
"It sounds like you didn't fit in very well," Luke said.
"I stuck out like a sore thumb," Angelica laughed. "The more Mom wanted to fit in, the more I wanted to get out. I was going crazy. This fake, absurd world of theirs was sucking me dry, slapping me with every dishonest word I heard, stealing away my sense of reality with each passing day."
"You're right. She does sound like a poet."
~I told you so!~
"Did you tell your mom how miserable you were?"
~Good question! Asking about feelings! I didn't think you had it in you!~
"No. She had her hands full. They weren't married. Mom, my sister and I lived in his house, and I'm sure he could have kicked us out if Mom got out of line," Angelica said.
"What do you mean? He kept you in line? What's that all about?"
~Wow! Those questions just keep on coming! I'm proud of you, MJ!~
"My mom's very pretty. I think he kept her because he could show off with her at work or at business dinners. That's all. I wasn't his kid; he never liked me. And I don't think he cared all that much about my sister, even though she was his kid," Angelica said.
~So, her mom is very pretty. That explains why Angelica's so pretty.~
"He gave Mom very little money, and she had to do everything exactly the way he wanted. He could be a very angry man if Mom or I didn't listen." Angelica lowered her gaze and bit her lower lip.
"What did he do?" Luke asked.
Angelica looked straight into Luke's eyes. "Mom got a few good slaps. I never understood why she didn't just get out of there. She told me later she was scared because she had nowhere to go."
"So your mom just took it?" Luke said.
"Yeah, she drove me crazy," Angelica said.
"Did you do anything?" Luke said.
"Yep!" Angelica nodded. "One time I called him an asshole after my mom took off for a drive all mad after getting hit for some ridiculous reason."
"What did he do?" Luke asked.
"He slapped me so hard, I had an imprint of his hand on my face for the rest of the day," Angelica said.
"What? He hit you?"
~You sound really emotional. Are you okay?~
"At least I got a chance to pay my mother back," Angelica said.
"What do you mean?" Luke asked.
"By the time she came back, I had all my stuff packed and demanded we move away."
"Holy smoke! You really did that?"
~She has guts! That's one thing you and Luke don't.~
"Shut up. I'm talking to her, not you."
"Did you move away?" Luke asked.
"Of course not." Angelica made a face. "Mom didn't want to believe the asshole slapped me even though my face was all red."
"Are you serious?"
~Of course she's serious! Why would she make up a thing like that about her own mother? Ouch! That's bad!~
"I'm sorry, Angelica," Luke said.
"It's okay, Luke." Angelica gave him a crooked smile. "That's all in the past. It wasn't that bad. I could handle it. The good thing is, my mom eventually came to her senses, and we moved away."
"Where did you go?" Luke asked.
"A few months later we moved to my mom's parents. They live in upstate New York, near Albany. They don't have the best relationship with my mom, but it was still better than being slapped around by some screwed up jackass who thinks he owns her like a car or something."
"Is that where you lived before you came here? Upstate New York?" Luke asked.
"Yes. We didn't stay long. It was boring, and Mom wanted to get a fresh start. It helped that she got a job offer from her former company, and they practically paid her to move here. That's it. That's the story of my life." Angelica shrugged and bowed her head.
THIRTEEN
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
how can you say you know me if even I have no clue who I am
~I know where this is going. I like it.~
"You do? Where do you think I'm going?"
~Second thoughts?~
"Not so fast. I just like the way Angelica talks. She's so open and honest. I like to listen to her."
~We're still here in her house you know. Maybe she'll want you to talk next. Are you ready?~
"Of course not. I'm not going to talk about myself."
~Bummer. I thought I liked where this was going. Well, at least I'll hashtag your tweet.~
Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge
how can you say you know me if even I have no clue who I am #confusedteenager #doubt #friendship #honesty #life #school
"Now you know my life in a nutshell. What about you, MJ? Are you going to tell me about yourself?" Angelica said.
"Hm, there's not much to tell."
~I knew it! Who are you hiding from? You said so yourself—you liked her honesty and her openness. Why can't you open up to her?~
"You mean you lived your whole life and there's absolutely nothing worth telling us about?" Angelica said.
~C'mon! Say something! You're being rude!~
"What are you afraid of?" Angelica said.
"I'm not afraid of anything. I'm just..."
~You're just what? A loner? Psycho?~
"Okay, I'm a loner. I don't like to talk about myself. I'm not like you, Angelica. I don't like to open up to people. Why do you do it anyway?"
~How could you say something like that to her? How could you ask her why she opened up to you? That's not just rude! That's crazy!~
"Why?" Angelica said. "You two
are the only people I met in school so far who seem interesting enough for me to want to be your friend."
"What?" Luke squeaked. "We're interesting?"
"Yeah," Angelica laughed. "Go figure, right? I don't know what it is, but I think we have something in common."
"Like what?"
~Haven't you said enough nonsense? If you can't say something smart, keep your mouth shut. You were always good at that.~
"I bet you hate small talk just as much as I do," Angelica said.
"You mean the How are you's?" Luke said.
"Exactly," Angelica chuckled.
"I bet you most people who say Great! don't even remember what great feels like."
~Nice comeback!~
"Yeah! It's just a word to them. It doesn't mean anything," Luke said.
"When does a word mean something?" Angelica asked.
"When you feel it rather than repeat it," Luke said.
"You see?" Angelica said. "I was right. I feel the same way about words. Luke and I have two things in common—we don't like small talk and meaningless words. And I don't believe for a minute you really want to be a loner, MJ. You came here, and all it took was one text. Whatever it is you're dealing with, I hope you're honest with yourself. That's all. I have a lifetime to be a loner if I chose to be one. I don't have that much time to find new friends in my new school, so why waste it by pretending I don't care to find any? I wanted you to get to know me so we can skip the learning about each other and do the friendship thing instead. It's your turn, MJ. Give me something. Anything."
"My life's pretty boring. Mom and Dad, living in a house similar to all of the other houses in our subdivision. Hell, the whole neighborhood, subdivision after subdivision looks alike. You could get lost here and wander around for miles thinking your home is the next one."
~Are you serious? You really think all the houses look alike? Are you blind or something?~
"My house looks different," Luke said.
"That's not the point," Angelica said.
"What? Am I missing something?" Luke said.
"It's all sanitized. Everyone's home is similar in size, the neighborhood is perfectly planned, the schools are plastered in the middle of it. Everyone acts like the perfect nuclear family. Kids are sanitized, too. And it's not just the sanitizer in classrooms teachers squirt onto kids' hands after every stupid activity. The kind of sanitizer your parents and your teachers use seeps in through your every pore. It gets inside your head until you almost believe it. Gosh, you're lucky if you end up believing it because if you don't, you'll go crazy."
Choking Game Page 8