Choking Game

by Yveta Germano

  "I loved music. I recorded my own songs."

  ~You can still do that, you know.~

  "Why do you use the past tense?" Angelica said.

  "My parents didn't really believe I had the talent."

  ~They never said that! You made that up!~

  "Who cares what they believed! You said you loved it. Why would you ever stop playing? If you stop the one thing you truly love, the only one hurt will be you. Why would you want to hurt yourself like that?" Angelica said.

  "I don't know. I never thought of it that way."

  ~To spite your mom and dad, that's why.~

  "I'd like to hear your music," Angelica said. "Will you play some for us?"

  "I don't have my guitar here."

  ~You can go get it. It'd take you ten, fifteen minutes tops.~

  "Bring it with you next time. I'm serious, I'd love to hear your music," Angelica said.

  "Me too. I've never heard you play," Luke said.

  "What about your paintings? You said you love to paint."

  ~Yeah, I'd like to see her paintings, too.~

  "Come with me," Angelica said.

  "Where are we going?" Luke asked.

  "The basement," Angelica said. "I have a little studio there."

  "Wow! That is awesome!"

  ~Wow! That is amazing!~

  "This whole room is covered with paintings! There's not a single space left on the walls!" Luke said.

  "I have a bunch of canvas paintings in the closet here. I need more space. This room's too small," Angelica laughed.

  "What is this supposed to be?"

  ~I think I know. Step back a little. You'll see.~

  "What do you think?" Angelica said.

  "Is it a face?"

  ~It is a face, but step back even further. Look around the face.~

  "Wait! Is it... Oh, my God. When did you paint this?!"

  ~Calm down, MJ. I'm sure she painted this a while ago. It's probably not what you think.~

  "It's not what you think, MJ," Angelica said.

  "It's a choking game," Luke whispered.

  "Choking is not a game," Angelica said.

  "That's what it's called," Luke said.

  "That's what's so wrong about it," Angelica said. "A game. You'd think it'd be fun, but all you do is numb yourself to the point you lose consciousness. You choke the reality out of your presence until you're high above it all. Until the world around you doesn't exist, until you don't matter, until you're so out of it, you think you're someone else, or you can't even think anymore."

  "Have you ever done it?"

  ~Why are you asking her? Why don't you tell her you did it?~

  "My friends did. I just watched," Angelica said.

  "I did. A couple of days ago."

  ~I'm proud of you. I didn't think you'd fess up.~

  "You did? MJ!" Luke squealed.

  "Why? Were you alone?" Angelica's forehead furrowed.

  "Yeah. I wasn't playing the choking game."

  ~Like hell you weren't. Tell her what you did!~

  "I wanted to die."

  ~I'm shocked! Again, I didn't think you'd say that.~

  "Why, MJ?" Angelica said.

  "Why did I want to die?"

  ~That's what she's asking!~

  "Did you have a reason?" Angelica said.

  "I had a lot of reasons."

  ~Tell her what it was that pushed you over the edge.~

  "It's... It's kind of crazy. I'm... I'm not sure you'd understand."

  ~Tell her! Do YOU understand? That's the real question here.~

  "Try me," Angelica said.

  "I... I've been unhappy for a long time. A lot of things happened and everything kind of piled up. And then when Stanley died, my whole world kind of crumbled. He was the only friend I could still talk to, but I never told him how much I appreciated him or how much I cared about our friendship. And then he was gone, and I felt lost. I felt horrible for not telling him. To me, it was like I failed our friendship. I thought if only I’d spent more time with him, maybe he wouldn't have played the choking game alone. Maybe I'd have been there to make sure he wouldn't die. I thought..."

  ~You never said you felt responsible! You're not responsible for Stanley's death!~

  "I thought... I really don't know what I thought. All I could see was my life heading nowhere and my only friend gone. I didn't know what the purpose of me being here was. I was in so much pain I just didn't want to be here anymore."

  ~But that's still not what pushed you over the edge, MJ. Tell her. Don't be afraid. Tell her!~

  "I know this may sound totally off the wall, but I have this nagging voice talking to me inside my head. It's hard to explain. It's not like I'm bipolar or anything. It's more like my inner voice, but it's mean sometimes. It tells me stuff I don't want to hear."

  ~Because you need to hear it!~

  "It's so loud and real sometimes, I think I'm insane. I'd been tweeting about dying and some weird stuff, and this creepy voice started badgering me. I swear I'm not crazy, but I sure as hell thought I was that one time. This voice was brutal. It kept on bothering me, telling me if I killed myself, no one would care; everyone would think of me as some insane loner, Stanley's friend who didn't even matter enough for people to talk about. The only dead person kids would still remember after I died would be Stanley."

  ~Here you go. It's out. See? You can be honest with yourself. That's good.~

  "So this inner voice wouldn't stop yelling at me until I got so fed up, I took some sleeping pills, but I didn't have enough. All I could hear was the voice screaming at me about what a coward I was until I snapped. I grabbed a rope I had because I always wanted to try the choking game. I tied it around my neck and pulled. The voice was screaming, my mind was blacking out, and all I could feel was pain, madness and sorrow all mixed together like poison. I wanted to black out for good so that I could silence my voice and escape the pain. I wanted out. I wanted to go anywhere but here. At that one moment, all I wished for was for the loneliness to end."

  ~MJ! Why didn't you tell me? You never said you didn't want to be lonely! Is that what hurts? Is it?~

  "At least you're not the wimp I am," Luke said. "The first time I heard my inner voice I covered my ears. I've pretended it doesn't exist ever since."

  "That's what I did for a long time," Angelica said. "Now we have loud and testy conversations. I actually enjoy our arguments. But why would your voice drive you so far?"

  "I kind of wanted this voice to push me over the edge."

  ~You did? That's not nice! Why did you do that to me? I felt awful!~

  "I've been toying with death for so long, I started to believe I was too weak to do it. I needed that push. I needed to be provoked so that I wouldn't think to argue. I needed to get hurt physically to escape the loneliness."

  ~Why can't you be honest with me? This is so not fair!~

  "Did you black out?" Angelica asked.

  "Yeah."

  ~I can't listen to this.~

  "How was it?" Luke asked.

  "Awful."

  ~I'd say.~

  "I really thought I was dying. It was peaceful and scary at the same time. It was like something was taking me away, stealing my life, my every breath. And then I must have inhaled or something because I coughed a lot, and all I could see was this bright, orange-red lava that poured through my veins. It burned inside me and my head hurt, my lungs hurt, everything ached like hell."

  ~You never described this to me. I wish you did.~

  "Something like this?" Angelica asked and took another painting out of a closet.

  "Exactly like this."

  ~How did she know?~

  "What's going on?" Luke said. "When did you paint this? How did you know?"

  "This painting is part of a series I did a few months ago. The first is the Choking Game. It's a face—a face of a young girl trapped in a world she doesn't believe in. Every time she resigns herself to follow one more rule, the noose tightens. She
knows that eventually the noose will be so tight, she'll choke to death. She doesn't care about her body; that's been claimed by the rules and the noose. She wants to save her spirit, though. That's the second painting with the orange-red lava spewing out of her veins after she cut them with a piece of her shattered life. The boiling lava slowly dissolves her aching body that comes back to life in its last moments of pain. The third painting is the girl's freed spirit. Here." Angelica pulled out the third painting.

  "This is beautiful," Luke exhaled.

  "You painted this?"

  ~I know, this is the most beautiful painting I've ever seen!~

  "Yes. It's an allegory; my take on what it takes to be yourself. First, you must recognize what it is in your life that's choking you. Second, you must do whatever it takes to free yourself from it so that the third step, your purpose, is to live for what you love and care about. I painted this after I stopped hurting myself. After I realized my life was the only thing that's truly mine, and I decided it was time to claim it back," Angelica said.

  "So, are you suggesting we rebel against everything we've been told?" Luke asked.

  "No. I'm not suggesting anything like that," Angelica said. "Rebelling for the sake of rebellion isn't gonna work. You still live among people. It's not a jungle. But you also cannot take everything you're told and taught at face value. It's your job to question and search for your own answers. The best way to find them is to start searching inside your own self. You have to know yourself first before you can even begin to understand everything around you."

  "Do YOU know yourself?"

  ~I'm sure she's way ahead of you.~

  "I'm still learning. It's not like you wake up one day and say to yourself, I know who I am and where I'm going. It takes time and stories, lots of stories," Angelica said.

  "See? I don't really have any. Every day is the same as the last one. I want to have stories, everyone does. How do you get them in this bubble?"

  ~That is such a nonsense, MJ! If you didn't hide your head in the sand like an ostrich all the time, I'm sure you'd come across some stories to tell.~

  "You're not the only one with a death wish, MJ. I've thought of it, too. I'm sure Luke did and lots of kids you'd never thought would. I know where you're coming from, trust me. But it's not the answer," Angelica said.

  "So what is the answer?" Luke said.

  "I don't have it. All I know is that death is certain. It will happen one day. You'll get your wish whether you want it or not. So if this one wish is already a given, why waste your life wishing it? There's so much more to do than to wait for death. If you could be granted just one more wish, what would you wish for?" Angelica said.

  "I want to record a number one hit."

  ~I knew you'd say that!~

  "I want to create the most amazing special effects movie ever!" Luke said.

  "So why don't you?" Angelica said. "Why don't you record music and post it on YouTube and let the whole world know what you did? Why don't you create your own YouTube special effects videos, Luke? These are your stories! Nobody's forcing you to sit in the bubble and do nothing. You want a way out of your bubble? Get out there and post your stuff, show what you can do, share your work and see what happens. You have to create your stories. They won't come to you."

  FIFTEEN

  Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge

  favorite if you want the link to my new number one hit song

  ~Which one is it? Will you play it for me? Is it the one you wrote for Stanley?~

  "No. I'm going to write it tonight."

  ~You tweeted that you have the link but you don't have the song?~

  "Somehow I know I'll write it tonight. Don't ask me how, I just do."

  ~Okay. Let's make sure people will find this.~

  Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge

  favorite if you want the link to my new number one hit song #music #musichits1 #friends #bestsongs #follow

  "What is your story, Angelica?" Luke asked. "What is it you want more than anything else?"

  "I want one of my paintings to be displayed in the New York Metropolitan Museum," Angelica said.

  "Which one?" Luke said.

  "This one." Angelica walked over to an oversized easel and pointed at it. "It's not finished so I won't show you yet."

  "Why not?"

  ~I'd like to see it.~

  "I don't like to show unfinished works. I need to bring out the colors some more. The green, it's not quite the way I feel it yet," Angelica said.

  "You feel the colors?"

  ~See? You're not the only one!~

  "Of course. Don't you feel your movies or your music? How can you create something without feeling it first?"

  "I guess I do. I just never think about it that way," Luke said.

  "Why did you want to kill yourself, Angelica?"

  ~That's what I call changing a subject. I want to know that too, though.~

  "Like you, I had a long list first. I always missed having a dad even though I did not remember the one I had. Having a parent who died in one of the towers on 9/11 is like having an alarm clock that goes off every September because there's so much noise, so much news and remembering, you just can't put it behind you. So maybe it already started when I was a baby. Then we moved and moved again. I was always busy fitting in and making myself believe I had a home. When my mom moved in with my sister's dad, things went from bad to worse. It's a long story," Angelica said as she turned to look away.

  ~I think she's uncomfortable talking about her past. Ask her about the painting.~

  "What inspired you to paint this last part of the series?"

  "This is how I see my own piece of heaven," Angelica said. "I poured out all of my anger into the bloody orange-red painting, and after I was done, I was finally at peace. I wanted to paint my inner world, but I didn't know how to do it. Initially, I closed my eyes. I let the brush dabbed in soft blue flow freely around the canvas. I stopped all negative thoughts from running through my head. I let my hands work all by themselves. I first created the waves and the basic shape of the landscape. And then I looked at the canvas and saw the image slowly rising from within the waves, getting brighter and sharper. My brush only traced what was already there, hidden within the canvas itself. I only brought out my little piece of heaven inside."

  "It reminds me of something, but I can't figure out what."

  ~You're right. I can't figure it out either.~

  "Look at the perimeter," Angelica said. "The entire landscape is set inside these giant wings. If you trace them, what do you see?"

  "It's a butterfly."

  ~That's right! It's a giant butterfly!~

  "Like I said, my paint brush sort of flowed around the canvas until I had this huge butterfly shape. First I thought I was going to paint a butterfly, but the more I colored its wings, the more visible this beautiful landscape became. It's like an invisible world on the wings of a butterfly. A world so beautiful—colorful but fragile—you'd wipe it off and leave it damaged if you touched its wings."

  ~I've told you over and over again. This girl's a poet!~

  "This is what should be hanging in the New York Metropolitan Museum," Luke said.

  "Maybe," Angelica laughed. "But wait till you see the one I'm about to finish. That'll be my best work yet."

  "Hey, Luke, do you have any videos you could show us?"

  ~Good question. I'd love to see some!~

  "I do have some on YouTube. Here." Luke pulled out his cell phone.

  "You do 3D animation?" Angelica asked.

  "Yeah, I love it!" Luke said.

  "Dude, you're good! Look how many likes you have! Your stuff is practically viral!"

  ~He IS good!~

  "That's what I do all the time. I love this stuff," Luke said.

  "That's why you're so good in computer science and math."

  ~See? Isn't it great getting to know people? You never know what you're going to learn!~

  "I've been called a nerd as
long as I remember. I don't really care," Luke said. "I live for this stuff, seriously. All I want to do is go to UCLA and study movie animation and special effects."

  "That's great."

  ~That's great? That's all you have to say? This kid is a living example of passion for something and all you say is That's great? How about You're such an awesome, lucky dude! I bet you never even thought about suicide.~

  "You don't seem like you mind this bubble life, Luke," Angelica said.

  "Not really," Luke said. "I know I'm getting out, so I don't think about it. It doesn't bother me. My parents are pretty supportive. If it weren't for the moving around the country so much, I'd be pretty happy. But hey, maybe the next move will be to LA!"

  "That'd be cool! I mean it! I'd tag along!"

  ~I'm sure you would. How could you pass up a story like that?~

  "I have an idea," Angelica said. "Why don't we each write down the one thing we would do if we only had three days to live? We'll seal it in an envelope and meet up back here in three days and see if we actually did it."

  "You mean like we won't tell each other what it was and when we come back we'll open the envelope?" Luke asked.

  "Exactly," Angelica said. "That way, we can't influence one another. It's up to each of us to push ourselves to do what we really want to do. Let's try it. It could be fun!"

  "Why three days?"

  ~I was wondering the same thing.~

  "I don't like to be rushed too much. One day isn't enough," Angelica said.

  "How about a month? I need a lot more time," Luke said.

  "Let's start small. We don't have to take a trip around the world," Angelica said. "Here's a pen and paper. Do it."

  ~Do you know what is the most important thing you want to do?~

  "Yeah, duh!"

  "It's your song, isn't it? Good for you, it's about time.

  "Okay, fold your papers and put them in this envelope," Angelica said. "MJ, sign your name over the sealed edges. You too, Luke. That way you'll know I did not secretly open the envelope. Let's meet up again here in three days. Let's not talk about this at school."

  "Let's not talk about this to anyone," Luke said.

  Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge

  Baby Blue climbed to number 1 in just three days! #music #musichits1 #friends #bestsongs #freedownload #YouTube #memories #friendship