Choking Game

by Yveta Germano

  "Wow! What a story! It must have been wild to see yourself down on that bed. I mean you saw your body, but was it really you?" Luke said.

  "That's what I've been asking myself many times since then. When I was floating, I felt no attachment to anything physical, not even my own body. For a while, I thought that was it. I was dead. If it weren't for all those machines and medical instruments, I would have been dead for sure. Looking back at how it all went down, I really believe my sister brought me back somehow. I'm still trying to figure out how. The only thing I remember is that feeling. Right after she spoke to me I had this incredible rush of energy inside my bodiless self and then I saw that rope. Well, it wasn't a rope but that's what it reminded me of. I don't know how to explain it to you. I couldn't quite see the individual words, but I could feel them like they were written all the way from my sister's heart to where I was floating. And I perceived this strong current, almost like an electricity that pulled on me. I could not resist it. It was a high like no other. A feeling I've never had before or after. It changed me completely. When I woke up in that bed, I knew I was a new me."

  "Gosh, that is so awesome."

  ~Don't get any ideas!~

  "What happened to me doesn't happen to everyone. Don't bet on it happening to you, MJ. If you're planning to die just so that your parents or whoever you care about feel sad and sorry, or you want to show the world how brave you are to go through with it, you won't come back. People usually don't come back like I did. I don't yet know what I believe in, if anything at all, but I do believe there is something out there we don't understand. Some kind of a connection, maybe a spirit, a thought, a feeling. I don't know. The stronger and the more genuine this connection is, the more powerful it becomes in these life and death situations. I swear I felt something wickedly evil along with something unbelievably peaceful and beautiful."

  "You're right. I didn't feel any of that, but the moment you believe it's over is kind of calming."

  ~More like a calm before the storm.~

  "Promise me, MJ, you won't do it again. Don't get carried away by an emotion of a particular moment. That emotion is often wrong. Your life is so much more than a single event—a feeling that betrays you because it takes over your better judgment. There are always consequences to everything you do. Nothing is ever detached, not even you, despite of what you believe."

  "I'm not going to promise you anything."

  ~You don't have to, but at least think about what she said.~

  "When I was out of my body, I felt incomplete. Not incomplete in terms of being separated from the physical body. More like I didn't fulfill my purpose while I was alive. I felt this burden weighing down on me; this hole mixed in with all those different feelings I had at once. After I came back, I started to paint again. I realized what my purpose was. It's my art; it's what I can do with it. I can't die until I finish all of the paintings I plan to paint. And each time I finish one, another idea sparks and I have to start all over again. That's how I see life. Now. In this moment. Do what your heart tells you. Don't take on life with all of its problems and demons at once. It's too heavy like that. Instead, see the little things, the little moments. They are a lot lighter, a lot easier to carry. Tackle one at a time, like a note of a song. Don't die until you play all the music in your heart. The purpose is not this one big thing, this life as one humongous undertaking. The purpose is these little moments that make you happy. We all have some purpose, otherwise we wouldn't be here. Don't die until you figure out what that is," Angelica said.

  "So you think everything happens for a purpose?" Luke said.

  "Absolutely. I do not believe in coincidence," Angelica said.

  "But how do you figure out what your purpose is?" Luke said.

  "It's not easy. If it were, we wouldn't have to stick around our whole lifetimes to figure it out," Angelica said.

  "Then what was the purpose of Stanley's death?"

  ~Did you really have to say that?~

  "I'm not a wizard, so I don't have answers to everything," Angelica said. "Maybe his tragic death happened to show us that there are consequences to everything we do. Remember how all of you connected in school and on Facebook after he died? Maybe someone else thought about playing the choking game or someone was thinking about suicide. We'll never know, but maybe Stanley changed a few minds back then. Nothing can remind us of how precious life really is better than death."

  "When I think of death, I see it in black and white. That's my color of death," Luke said.

  "Why black and white?"

  ~I think I know why.~

  "There's no gray area. When you're dead, you're dead. You can't see the colors anymore. You can't even argue that there are colors you cannot see. You're done, expired. It's clear as night and day. It's black and white."

  "What color do you imagine when you hear the word rumor?"

  ~That's my kind of question! Are we switching identities here?~

  "I haven't thought of that," Luke said.

  "Green, slimy green. It's green as it grows like a flesh-eating plant. It darkens as the green gets old and slimy. And one day the slime solidifies into dark-green glass that shatters before it explodes like a bomb full of shrapnel. It cuts your world into unrecognizable pieces that end up turning white, wiped clean, free of thoughts and pain," Angelica said.

  "I don't like the color of rumor."

  ~I hate it.~

  "Me neither," Luke said.

  "I got this tattoo right before we moved here. Mom didn't want me to get it, but she changed her mind after I explained to her why I needed it." Angelica raised her t-shirt and revealed the words tattooed on the left side of her rib cage. Don't kill my demons because my angels might die too.

  "It doesn't matter if you believe in angels and demons," Angelica said. "What this means is that I battled my own kind of demons that made me believe I was dirty, hopeless, that my life wasn't worth living. When I was about to pass, my little sister turned into my little angel. Maybe there were many other angels with us that day, but I didn't see them. I do know for sure, though, at least one angel pulled me back and showed me I was loved so much, people would be hurt if I went away for good. My angel let me feel that love and its rush of the most amazing kind of high. It was during that ecstasy that I saw myself as a beautiful being, clean and happy, loving life and all that comes with it. If the demons weren't a part of my life, I would have never experienced the incredible, loving power of my angels. Both angels and demons create the balance that keeps me grounded."

  "I love your tattoo."

  ~I love it, too.~

  "Me too," Luke said.

  "It's my way of knowing that the good and the bad always come together. Rarely you'll have only one all the time. I believe in my own angels, whatever they may look like. They could be good people that help you sort things out, or an opportunity to do something you love, or a good luck charm you believe in. It doesn't matter what you imagine your angels to be; what matters is that you believe they exist. If you believe that, your demons will have very little power over you."

  "I could listen to you for hours," Luke said.

  "When exactly did all of this happen?"

  ~It couldn't have been that long ago. That one big scar is still dark pink. It looks pretty raw.~

  "A few months back," Angelica said. We moved and stayed at our grandparents' home in Albany after I was released from the hospital. It was summer break anyway. Then I was home-schooled for a while until Roger contacted Mom and wanted us to come back. Mom said no, of course, and he got mad again. He brought this lawsuit. He's suing Mom for the custody of my sister. That's when Mom packed and we moved here. She wanted to be as far away from him as possible. She jumped on the job offer, but it's not over. He's still suing her. It's scary because Roger has so much money and he's such a good lawyer, we're scared he may win."

  "Can't you do anything about it?" Luke said.

  "Like what?" Angelica sounded a bit nervous.

&nbs
p; "I know this is hard, but can't you testify about what he did to you?" Luke said.

  "I already told you, it'd be my word against his. How would I ever prove any of that? Especially now, after I tried to kill myself. He'll have his psychiatrists testify that I'm crazy and that I made it all up," Angelica shook her head.

  "What about the picture someone posted on the Instagram?" Luke said.

  "You mean the one where he's got his hands under my shirt? It doesn't support my claim. Remember? The rumor was I was sleeping with him. The picture doesn't really show I wasn't."

  "So? Isn't it illegal for him to sleep with an underage girl?"

  ~That didn't come out very well. It sounded like you believe the rumor.~

  "One picture, big deal! I'm sure he'll find a way to discredit that too. Even if I claimed he tried to rape me, how would I explain I waited until he filed a custody lawsuit to tell anyone? My mom would get in trouble too for not reporting it right away. It makes no sense. I don't have enough proof. I'm done," Angelica said.

  "The question is," Luke furrowed his brows, "who took the picture?"

  "I have no idea," Angelica said. "I tried to figure it out, but I can't come up with anything. It wasn't me. Roger couldn't do it either. Was there someone by the window watching us? It's unlikely because I was in my room on the second floor. Someone would have had to be on a ladder or something. It doesn't make any sense."

  "Was your computer on?" Luke said.

  "You mean like my computer camera?" Angelica said.

  "Yeah," Luke said.

  "I do have a camera on my laptop and it was on since I was writing my paper, but I wasn't taking any photos, if that's what you're asking," Angelica said.

  "Maybe someone else was," Luke said.

  "That's crazy," Angelica said.

  "You wouldn't be the first person who had that sort of stuff happen to them."

  ~That's true.~

  "Can I go over to your house and look at your laptop?" Luke said.

  "Sure," Angelica shrugged.

  "You know how it's done?"

  ~He's a computer nerd, remember?~

  "You mean hacking?" Luke said.

  "Yeah."

  ~I'm sure he does.~

  "Enough to know if a computer's hacked," Luke said.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge

  don't kill my demons because my angels might die too #angels #demons #suicide #pain #hatred #help #heaven #hell

  ~That's Angelica's line. You should have asked her if you could tweet it before you did.~

  "I'm sure she won't mind. She's probably tweeted it already."

  ~She is a very interesting girl. I can't believe so much has happened to her.~

  "I know, right? Makes you feel kind of stupid thinking you're the only one with issues."

  ~I'm not thinking anything like that. YOU ARE.~

  "Whatever. My head's pounding."

  ~It's not your head, it's the door. Someone's knocking on your door.~

  "May I come in?"

  "That's my mom. What does she want?"

  ~How am I supposed to know? Open the door and you'll see.~

  "Honey, I need to talk to you about something," Mom said.

  "What is it?"

  ~Yeah, what is it?~

  "I'd like to apologize," Mom said.

  "Apologize? For what?"

  ~I think I know.~

  "For arguing with your dad so much lately, for being distracted, and for basically not having any time for you. I'm really sorry," Mom said.

  "Mom..."

  ~Give her a hug, she's practically begging for it!~

  "Dad and I have gone through a rough time, but we worked it out. These things happen. It's not fun, but we're only human and we make mistakes. We are both sorry. It breaks my heart to know how much this may have hurt you," Mom said.

  "It didn't, Mom, really."

  ~Give her a hug! Are you listening?~

  "Whatever is going on, please tell me. I know we've grown apart, and I am very sorry about that, too. You're my child, and no matter how old you are, you will always be my child. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and you're the most important person in my life. It breaks my heart to see you unhappy. I'd love for us to find a way back to each other. Will you help me?"

  "What makes you think I'm unhappy?"

  ~Isn't it obvious?~

  "Are you?" Mom said.

  "Not really."

  ~Liar! Why can't you be honest? At least once! She's asking a simple question! Answer her honestly! I'm tired of you constantly dodging the truth!~

  "Well, maybe I've been a little upset."

  ~Okay, okay, it's a start.~

  "Can you tell me why?" Mom said.

  "I will as soon as I sort it out."

  ~What's there to sort out?~

  "Can I help? Is there anything I can do?" Mom said.

  "No. It's not that serious, Mom. Things are coming together."

  ~Your poor mom. I'd smack you if I were her.~

  "I'm here for you, MJ. Any time you want to talk, please talk to me."

  "Uh, yeah."

  ~Uh? Yeah? Is that all you have to say for yourself?~

  "Is there anything at all you want to tell me?" Mom said.

  "Uh, no."

  ~Seriously?~

  "Okay. Maybe some other time?" Mom said.

  "Yeah, some other time."

  ~Give me a break!~

  "Come here. I love hugging you." Mom said.

  "Sure."

  ~I thought you'd never hug her! Can't you see? Your poor mom came up here and practically apologized for being your mother!~

  "What was I supposed to tell her?"

  ~How about that you appreciate her apologizing?~

  "I didn't expect her to come here and apologize. I was caught off guard."

  ~Oh, yeah! The guard. I forgot about that. You and your guard are so wrapped up together you can't even give your mom a decent answer.~

  "Leave me alone. Why are you being such a jerk again?"

  ~I'm a jerk? YOU'RE the jerk here!~

  "Geez, will you ever cut me some slack?"

  ~Not until you start acting like a responsible teenager.~

  "Now that's an oxymoron. A responsible teenager? Do you listen to yourself?"

  ~You're right, that is an oxymoron.~

  "I guess I could have told her that I appreciated her coming and saying all that stuff to me. She honestly caught me by surprise and I didn't know what to say to her."

  ~What about now? Would you know what to say now?~

  "Not really."

  ~Think of Angelica.~

  "What does she have to do with my mom?"

  ~Remember what she said she was most sorry about when she almost died?~

  "Uhm, you mean—"

  ~Exactly. You almost did it. I'm sure if Luke and Angelica didn't show up, you were going to check out for good without even a single thought or a single consideration of the consequences. Your world was crashing, and that's all you were capable of thinking about. Imagine if they didn't come. Imagine what it'd be like right now. Can you do it?~

  "What? Imagine myself dead? I've done it like a thousand times."

  ~Not really. I want you to lie down, close your eyes, and imagine yourself dead now, after what your mom told you.~

  "This is stupid."

  ~Do it!~

  "I can't believe I'm doing it."

  ~Shut up and lie down. Okay, now close your eyes and imagine floating up in the air the way Angelica did. Do you see your dead body on the bed?~

  "Um, yes, kind of."

  ~Good. Your mom's coming. She's knocking on the door. She found you. She's touching your arm. She shakes you and you're not responding. She's calling your name over and over. She's screaming. She's calling your name, she's hysterically howling as she runs downstairs and dashes for the phone. She's crying as she's yelling at the operator to get an ambulance. You're watching her agony as she runs bac
k to your room and collapses onto your bed next to you. She's still calling your name, holding you in her arms, howling like an animal that has just lost her only offspring. You're watching her from above, unable to say a word to her. Unable to tell her that you're okay. Unable to comfort the one person who never meant to hurt you; the one person who loved you more than anything else in this world.~

  "Ahhh..."

  ~Open your eyes and look at me!~

  "Ahhh..."

  ~Look at me! Good. Now look inside and tell me if you were really dead, what would you wish you told your mom before it was too late?~

  "That I loved her very much."

  ~I thought so. What color is your love for her?~

  "Purplish blue. The color of the forget-me-not flower. My mom kind of looks like that flower—tiny, gentle, beautiful, and unforgettable."

  ~Now go downstairs. You know what you want to tell her.~

  TWENTY-TWO

  Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge

  nothing

  makes

  sense

  anymore

  ~Are you sure about that? I thought that everything was finally falling into place.~

  "That's why."

  ~Let's see if my hashtags will make some sense of your nonsense.~

  "If this is an attempt at being funny, you're not succeeding."

  ~Who cares.~

  Teenage Revenge @TeenageRevenge

  nothing

  makes

  sense

  anymore

  #angels #hope #friendship #love #family #music #life

  "You make it sound so pretty and perfect, but it's not."