Heaven's Children (Earth Totem)

by Jackson, Deborah

  This time Hawk takes me further than ever before when we trance. I can see ourselves nestled in the long grass below, holding hands while we floated above. Although, this time, instead of watching, I feel compelled to close my eyes, and enjoy the sensation of floating. It feels like my entire body is stretching, trying to break free. That’s when my meditation and trancing combine, everything is clearer and I’m almost transported to the marble steps again. I’m surprised, as I didn’t expect to go to that level so quickly. Maybe it was the trancing. This time, it feels different, like I’m watching from a distance. Even though I’m standing on the steps, I don’t feel the cool texture beneath my feet. I’m also aware of movement, of someone running and can hear their breath as they run past.

  I stare at a young woman, with long golden hair, who is carrying a basket covered in a light silk covering. I can feel her fear, and with each step, the contents wriggle. This time, my body obeys and I follow her, as she runs towards the field. When I see her stop, I copy her. We are both standing at the edge of a ravine. A roar of angry wind from behind makes us turn round, and I feel like it’s bellowing from the temple. Whatever it is, she’s been discovered, and we both, the woman and I, look back down into the abyss below. A sense of hopelessness fills me then and I want to reach for her arm. She glances fearfully over her shoulder and when I look, I understand her fear. A dark cloud is rolling across the fields towards her. She almost loses her clutch on the basket and only then do I fully comprehend that it’s a baby, from the small foot, freed from the covering. The last thing I notice, before she is enveloped in the mist is the way her silk shift twists round her body. I open my mouth in a silent agonised scream of horror as she disappeared below.

  ‘Nevaeh open your eyes…’ Hawk’s voice feels so far away, and it takes a while to notice that we are back in our bodies. His eyes are full of concern as he wipes the tears from my face and I sob uncontrollably in his arms.

  ‘Did you get an idea of who it was? ’ He asked later, when I had finally stopped crying. I shake my head; my bottom lip was still quivering.

  ‘She just jumped, why did she jump like that and with a baby?’ I whisper. He strokes my face, making soothing noises telling me it wasn’t real, but I knew it worried him too. I had never felt so close to him as I did then.

  ‘Perhaps I’m putting too much pressure on you, to y’know, trance.’ I didn’t give him the chance to say any more, as I kissed him, my sobs catching in my throat. We melted into the long grass and my body coiled round him. The fleeting image of the girl falling brushed briefly once more over my consciousness before it was gone. Bliss had taken over, the warmth of his body and lips, his chest pressing against me, every feeling I imagined before but better. For some reason, today, I wanted more of him, and he responded to the urgent pushing of my body. Something fluttered inside of me, moving from my toes up to my heart and I had no doubt that I was feeling his very soul. We clung together like we had known each other all of our lives and this time I didn’t have to click file and store. The memories of this moment were imprinting on us both.

  After what felt like an eternity, Hawk drew back tracing my face with his fingertips. It made my entire body tingle and I sighed, blushing at how loud it was. I heard him chuckle.

  ‘You are truly a gift from Gaia.’ He whispered in between soft kisses. I stretched happily underneath him, curling my toes. It felt like my life had only just begun and for the first time I looked forward to our future together.

  I don’t know whether it was the breeze that picked up, triggering like an alarm but his eyes seemed to cloud over. Deep furrows ploughed through his forehead, and I wondered if he had read my thoughts again. Doubt flashed like beacons at my stupidity. Why couldn’t I keep my dreams of the future to myself, especially with a mind reading boyfriend?

  ‘What’s wrong?’ My voice sounds desperate and we both sit up.

  ‘Have I said something wrong?’ I repeat. I’m trembling now, and it feels like an eternity before he twists round to face me. His face is tortured, and I notice how his jaw seems to flex. He is tense, tenser than I’ve ever seen. Before I can say anything more, he grabs me. I feel like he is trapping the air in my body.

  ‘Nevaeh, I can’t ever lose you.’ His voice is hoarse, and I stare at him in confusion, almost wanting to laugh. My fear dissolves, and I grin.

  ‘I feel the same way Hawk.’ I whisper leaning forward to kiss him. He pulls away, looking at me.

  ‘I’m serious Nevaeh, promise me, you won’t try to trance on your own or…’ he falters, looking round as if he has been called. A stronger breeze brushes over us and I immediately hug my knees, pushing away the panic. He seems distracted as he pulls me up.

  ‘I have to go, promise me that you won’t go anywhere tomorrow, except for school.’ My heart starts to pound.

  ‘Hawk, I don’t understand – what’s wrong?’

  But I can tell he’s already far away. A shriek from above catches my attention and I frown – it’s huge.

  At the garden gate, he kisses me hard, telling me not to worry.

  ‘When I find out more, I’ll let you know. I promise – don’t worry.’ He calls not waiting for an answer. But I do worry; I’m confused and hurt although I can’t really figure out why. I couldn’t believe how quickly everything had changed, and I thought I was the moody one. I glance up at the sky, the clouds have returned.

  At least tomorrow is Friday; and hopefully we were going to see each other. The thought of not seeing him, even one day, felt awful. I turn back, ignoring the audible click of the garden latch and pull it open hopefully, but he’s gone. Another screech from above makes me jump and I back into the garden, watching in fascination at the way the large red tailed bird rides the thermal above my house. I think about how perfect it was earlier, and anger crept in. Why did he have to change everything? As I walk towards the house, I look behind me one more time, wishing he’d changed his mind. The shadows from the trees remind me of the woman, and the fine hairs on the back of my neck prickle. That’s when I run.

  Hosts

  THE NIGHT BEFORE

  I climb the steps, aware of the cool marble beneath my feet. I can feel the sheer white material on my body and in my hand I carry a bowl of what looks like earth lining the bottom. I feel confused by this; my last memory of the temple was of horror. Somehow, an impression that this is different calms me down. That my body isn’t my own makes it easier as I climb in slow and even steps. As I walk, I become aware of a line of white garmented figures next to me. I can’t see them properly. The host body that I’m part of refuses to turn. I can only gain a sense that in dress and purpose, we are all similar.

  As we stand in the entrance to the hallway, I’m aware of the enormity of space. I imagine mortals walking for days and finding no ends. I feel my host kneel as she places the bowl of earth on the floor. Even with my head bowed, I know we are being watched. I’m surprised when my body obeys and allows me to look at the bowl next to me. Inside, images of rippling waves and crested sea foam sweep against the sides. My host knows her; the name forms in my mind, as Galatea turns and smiles. Her milky skin is offset by her hair, which hangs like chains of foam down her back. I smile back and feel like she is welcoming an old friend. She turns her head to stare in front of her before holding her hands in front of her. Sounds of tormented oceans roar out of her, from the darkest depths to the surface. I know she is their messenger, their goddess and I hold my breath looking ahead into the vastness. Light flickers from deep inside the temple towards and then she is gone. The bowl remains. My host and I then turn to stare at the bowl of earth in front of me, watching peaks of mountains rise up and rivers twist round them. If I concentrate, I know I can see every tree, every creature that roams the earth. Mist covers the land and my hand flickers to my throat. I can’t breathe, the mist is poisonous and the stench of dead rivers, trees, animals stick in my throat. I feel like I’m going to be sick and gag. The screams of the unknown v
oices flow out of me and the pain is unbearable. I’m being torn into pieces, my body writhing in agony. I am the earth and the earth is in pain.

  When the pain stops abruptly, it’s because my message has been delivered. I can feel the energy return to me and sense my host waiting expectantly. The entity inside the temple breathes, not in anger, like before, but like it did with Galatea. My host and I moan as we are enfolded in the ecstasy of an embrace.

  Bounce

  FRIDAY THIRTEENTH

  I didn’t know what to feel today. I haven’t heard a thing from Hawk but was determined not to show it. Strangely enough I feel good, better than I’ve felt in a long time. The dream even helped. I look at Amber, she is busy texting like crazy on her mobile in the classroom, and when I look at her, she seems secretive. I frown, she’s been quite distant since Hawk and I unofficially hooked up. I had hoped she wasn’t feeling jealous or neglected. I was determined to make it up to her. As we walked out at break, I tried to catch up with her.

  ‘Hey you, have you got a secret admirer or somethin’?’ I ask. What I’m not expecting is the look of horror on her face.

  ‘As if,’ she half laughs. It sounds false and I pull at her arm.

  ‘Amber, is something wrong?’ She looks at me strangely, as if she wants to tell me something but then the shutters come down.

  ‘Just family stuff - nothing to worry about.’ She smiles, but I’m not convinced. She was trying too hard. Even at break time she seems withdrawn, but then everyone was like that today. Summer had forgotten Tidwell. Instead, all we got was the grey, gloomy sky reflecting onto a grey, gloomy school. Even Jo-Jo seemed quiet. I only noticed because she practically walked through me in the halls and I wondered if it was anything to do with Josh. I try to remember when I’d last seen him. We usually share science together, but that was on Thursdays -Thursday being my best and worst day. I pull my mobile out, looking for missed calls. There is only one unknown, and I wonder if it is Hawk’s.

  I can feel my mood changing with Ambers, and the misery of knowing Hawk might not be waiting for me after school rises up. The tree above me seems to bend with the increasing wind and the first splutters of rain spill down cementing my misery. It is raining a lot lately and I swallow hard, trying to push down the sob that was building. What’s wrong Hawk, why don’t you phone me? I wished then, that I could magic my feelings away; I needed some of Puck’s magical flower juice that he used on Lysander and Hermia. It would be so wonderful to wake tomorrow and not remember him at all. A feeling of dread hits me, and I try to shake it off. Hawk was the best thing that had happened to me. I didn’t want to forget him. Andrea catches my eye, looking at me in concern and I look away, the tears threatening to spill again.

  The rain is pouring sheets of water, forcing all the groups on the playing fields to move like one body. My Mum used to say it was heaven crying when it rained on a summer’s day, but it wasn’t sunny, hadn’t been since yesterday. The thought reminds me of the dream from last night. Dreams are meant to be symbolic, but there are so many of them, I’m starting to lose count. We herd like sheep towards the entrance, and I feel another flush of fear wash over me. I wish I knew why, I wasn’t being threatened, except maybe from colds. I look at Seth who is standing nearby, coughing into his shirt before wiping the sweat that has beaded on his forehead. Everyone seems dazed today, even Mr Harris. When he smiled at me, his eyes were half-hearted and weary.

  ‘Friday the 13th.’ A voice nearby said ominously. I looked over my shoulder, certain I saw the back of Josh’s head. He makes me think of Hawk, I wasn’t going to lose this one. If he doesn’t answer his mobile later, I will go and find him – he owed me answers. Only then does it strike me that I don’t know where he lives. I stare into empty space, realising that there were a lot of things about him I didn’t know. I had been so happy just being with him, that I never thought of asking. I felt sick and irritated with myself, he suddenly felt like a stranger again. Some guy I had met in the woods, for the last few weeks. It went against all of those warnings, we’re given at school. Anything could have happened to me and no-one even knew we had hooked up.

  At home, after briefly trying him on the mobile, and putting it down before I could leave a message, I wandered to the woods. There was no one there, and I felt lonelier than I had in my whole life. Most importantly, I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread, like something was going to happen. I cried then, my dreams, Hawk, Jo-Jo and I felt close to breaking.

  Back home, li’l Sis seemed in high spirits. Her large chocolate brown eyes lit up when she saw me. Even Mum was taken aback by her behaviour. We never really took to each other and deep down I knew it was my fault. Part of me was irritated at how quickly everything had changed. It only added to my misery. They finally had their own blood child, not like me.

  ‘Everything okay today?’ Mum asked looking up from her laptop. Her eyes drifted towards my hand that clasped the mobile like it was a lifeline. She was on the ancestors. com website, it had always been an obsession of hers. Mum had been taken into foster care when she was very young in Turkey and she had a young sister. Ever since I could remember, she has been trying to find her. I look at her and smile guiltily, tucking my hand and mobile under my arm. The silence between us was strained.

  ‘I’m seeing Jo-Jo’s Mum tonight.’ Mum let the words hang in the air, but I refused to pick it up. I nod. Jo-Jo’s Mum seemed to think of me as one of her own, at least she used to. Tonight of all nights, I didn’t want to hear how wonderful her daughter’s life was. I wasn’t in the mood. No matter how close we once were, I know that Jo-Jo would have justified her side to her mother. I flush in irritation wondering what I can do tonight; Hawk comes to mind again. My phone beeps, and I stare at it in amazement. It’s from Amber, and she wants to know if I can come over. For the first time, I’m more grateful tonight than any other night that we’re friends. I’m also doubly grateful that her Mum worked nights, another secret I kept from my parents. Alone time was exactly what I needed. Hope soared through me and I wolfed down my dinner and my Mum frowned.

  ‘For goodness sake Nevaeh, slow down, you act like you’ve never seen food before'. I felt flushed as both my parents looked at me suspiciously.

  Dad opened his mouth but was interrupted by the sound of rumbling thunder. His dark eyes flickered back to mine.

  ‘You’re not planning on going out in this, I hope?’ This was a new question for Dad, for both of them. They were so used to me staying in.

  I nod, concentrating on wiping my plate with a piece of bread.

  I can feel Mum giving me one of her silent, ‘you never discussed this with me,’ looks. Frustration builds inside me then, and the mounting anxiety threatens to spill out. I had to go to Amber’s – it was the only way to find out about Hawk, but I couldn’t tell them that. They didn’t even know who he was. I look at Mum again, she looks tired and guilt pours through me. For the last few weeks, I haven’t spent any time with her.

  ‘Mum, fancy going for a coffee and window shopping tomorrow. Dad can look after the grump,’ I blurt.

  ‘Hey, don’t call her that, although she has been lately.’ Mum tried looking cross,

  but she was beaming.

  I still had to struggle to convince Dad not to drive me.

  ‘It’s only two roads away, five minutes walk – what can go wrong?’ He looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. I know why, I’m whining, something I’ve never done before. It was new for both of us. Amber saves me by phoning again in front of them. I leave five minutes later. I can hear the grump crying as I close the door.

  The screaming from the wind makes me feel lightheaded, and I try to console myself that I’m making the right decision. Leaves sweep across the road and my eyes have difficulty adjusting to the blackness. I look up at one of the lampposts which are unlit, and judging by the lack of lights elsewhere, I gathered that we’d just had a power cut. I grip the mobile in my pocket, panic clawing at me.
Where is he? Why isn’t he answering any of my texts? My anxiety is rising in tune with the screaming wind and rumbling thunder. I know it won’t be long before lightning follows.

  I hurry; it always feels like you run faster at night, and within minutes, I’m across the road from her house. I can see the flicker of candles and take a deep breath, praying that Amber knows something. Without him, I feel like I’m dead inside. I jump as lightning rips across the sky, illuminating Amber’s house and it makes me hesitate.

  For a brief second in the lightning, I swear I could see the outline of a person and I feel my hopes soar.

  ‘Hawk, is that you?’ My voice is drowned out by another roll of thunder, and something else, like screaming brakes, and although my instinct tries to pull me back, I ignore it.

  Hawk has shown me what love is, what it can be, and I know he is my future. Nothing is going to stop me.

  Ghosts

  PRESENT DAY: SATURDAY 14TH - 11AM

  My bed is crowded with people, but the harsh light makes my vision blurry. I barely know them, and I wonder why they are all surrounding me. I watch as their shadows creep away from them, stretching across the white ceiling, reminding me of branches. Shadowy fingers stretching like large dark wings.

  I try to blink it away, all of it, and can feel my heart fluttering in tune with the beeping of the heart monitor, and guess that it’s to do with the accident. I remember losing my breath. It felt the same way when I was hit in the stomach by a ball, when I was younger. I remember I couldn’t breathe then, and it took ages for me to gasp in some air.

  My arms have tubes in them, I hate tubes. From my chest down, I’m covered with a cream hospital blanket and wiggle my toes just in case.