Heaven's Children (Earth Totem)

by Jackson, Deborah

  Hawk steps closer, silently and I know he is willing me to remember.

  I push down the scream that threatens to burst from me.

  ‘I thought it was me, and now…’ I turn towards the window, before staring at the imaginary puzzle pieces.

  ‘And now what? Nevaeh – tell me.’ He strokes my arm like a child.

  I turn round and stare at him evenly.

  ‘I think I just met my mother. That baby symbolises me, she’s waiting for me!’

  I gasp, saying it aloud sounds strangely permanent, and I’m not ready for this – any of this. I walk to the window trailing my hand along the dust. If I jump again, maybe I can reach her, and all of this will be over. I look at my other self again, a still body and feel miserable. This isn’t life; either I’m here or there, but not both. A deep sense of despair almost smothers me and I look back at the window. I’d read somewhere that if you dream of jumping off a cliff and reach the bottom you’re dead.

  What if you’re already half way there? I close my eyes willing myself to fall, not expecting the force of Hawk’s hands on the back of my shoulders. My eyes fly open, and I’m turned to face him. It’s already a deep shade of red, and I realise he’s been following my thoughts. His dark eyes are furious.

  ‘Don’t even think it, do you hear me? You have to fight this; I’m not giving up on you yet.’

  His voice is hoarse with emotion. I nod and let him walk me to what he must have felt was the safest area, the windowless part. He kisses me firmly before pulling back.

  ‘Don’t do that again, you frightened the life out of me.’ I stare at him in amazement. Frightened the life out of him? If I hadn’t been feeling so weak, I would have laughed at the last comment, especially considering I had had the life hit out of me.

  We sit there for what feels like hours, talking over the different dreams and trying to make sense of it all. Hawk was right; I had to wake up first.

  I sigh; all of this is surreal in so many ways, laying here, the three of us on my bed. I didn’t even feel creepy anymore; in fact, it is kind of comforting in a weird way. At least I know where my body is. I wonder what happens to other people who are separated from their bodies? Do they just float around like ghosts?

  I smile, imagining the look on Jo-Jo and even Jay and Paul’s face if I started moving things around. The image of their faces would be worth it, just for the pure entertainment value.

  Hawk muttered something, and I can see his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids. He has been like this for a while now, and I wish he would just open them again. I trace my finger from his temple to the tattoo and smile to myself. Never in a million years, had I dreamt of doing this with any guy. But then, this wasn’t exactly a normal situation. The hawk tattoo looked like it was either taking off or landing, and seemed adapted to his personality.

  I wonder what my totem was? We hadn’t really covered totems in our ‘lessons’ yet, just trancing. Apparently, to be a full member, you had to have one. Hawk turned his head and mumbled something. I frown wondering if you can sleep and trance at the same time. That’s what I’ll do when I wake up; I think, ask more questions and stop running. Every question seemed more important now than it had ever done before.

  ‘Hawk, you okay?’ I whisper. Maybe he is trancing, while trancing, if that’s possible. I shake the thought away, it makes my head ache. I look at the deep furrows in his forehead, he looks troubled. Was he talking to the others in the circle, or were they getting tired of supporting him? He did say that it was because of their combined energy he was able to be here. I’m starting to feel paranoid and look at the corners of the room, fearing the return of the shadows.

  I touch my arm or rather put my hand through my arm thinking sadly of Hussein and the light liquid that has come from my hand. Why can’t I heal myself? My life has changed so much, and now all I want to do is go back in time. I wouldn’t have left my group, or been at their house with their stupid meditations. I would have been at home with Mum and Dad, even cuddling the grump seemed so much nicer now. We don’t have much, but we are always a happy, mixed up family. I wipe a large tear from my face, crying even more when I realise that they aren’t even real, I’m not real. Arms enfold me then, and I hold onto him gratefully, relieved that he’s awake.

  ‘I thought you were going to disappear on me,’ I whisper, forcing a smile as I twist round. He pushes my hair back from my shoulders and smiles.

  ‘Nevaeh, I’m sorry I lost my temper, I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you when I’ve just found you.’

  This makes me cry even more. I’m starting to feel the same way but how do I know if what I’m feeling is real? I stand up and walk around the bed. I know I can walk through it, but it doesn’t feel normal. I hug myself as I turn to face him.

  ‘Here’s the deal, I won’t fall through windows, and you don’t close your eyes. Speak to them on your own time, alright?’ I half laugh.

  ‘Agreed,’ he smiles and we both walk back round the bed towards each other.

  ‘I just want to go home, y’know?’ He smiles; his eyes tender and I close my eyes anticipating his embrace. My eyes open wide in shock, and I turn at the same time as Hawk.

  ‘What happened?’ I feel nervous as he rushes towards me, then through me. My arms are still open, and I turn robotically. Not him as well. My mind is screaming, and when we reach out, our hands pass through each other. I look from my hands to his face and back again, trying to comprehend.

  ‘Hawk?’

  His body flickers like a hologram before becoming whole again. It makes me nervous - I don’t want to be alone with the shadows. I almost cry in relief when I feel him again. He holds me, whispering into my hair.

  ‘It’s okay, I’m in a circle, and somehow it must have been temporarily broken. We have to work out a way of getting you healed and back into your body. Nevaeh, I might have to leave you…’ At this I freeze, holding him tighter.

  ‘No!’ I shut my eyes, thinking of the shadows.

  ‘No, no, no!’

  He pulls away slightly, staring down, planting small kisses all over my face.

  ‘Nevaeh, you have to understand, this isn’t right. I don’t want to be with you like this and I know you don’t. I have to find answers. I won’t be long, but I have to work out a way to get you back to your body.’ His tone shifts, and I wonder if there is something he isn’t telling me. I feel my body tremble with such intensity, it’s like I’m having a fit. A groan from the bed makes us both look sideways, and I watch in horror as my real body arches repeatedly – I was having a fit.

  I turn to Hawk, hoping for some assurance, realising that he has let go of my hands.

  ‘Don’t let go, Hawk.’ I plead, putting my hands out, but they go straight through his again – he is disappearing and I know it isn’t by choice.

  ‘Hawk…I don’t know what to do…tell me what to do!’ I shiver then. Whatever is happening – I want it to stop. Panic and fear grip me like a vice as I step closer. Is it me? Am I hyperventilating? I’m finding it difficult to breathe and I clutch at my throat.

  ‘Hawk!’ I gasp, but he is fading fast and I fall to my knees looking at him imploringly.

  Hawk crumples to the ground with me, staring with wide, helpless eyes. His fear is scaring me even more and I reach out for him, feeling nothing but air.

  ‘I’m not fading Nevaeh, you are…’

  The heart machine springs to life, sounding the alarm and we both turn to look at my other self. I can feel a coldness travel up my body and I know then that I’m dying. Hawk looks like he’s shouting, his hands are moving and I can see tears in his eyes.

  ‘Nevaeh…fight it…heal yourself. I’m going to try to stay with –ou, don- ive- up

  ‘Hawk!’

  I can’t hear him properly. My body is convulsing in shivers as the cold covers every part of me. I try to concentrate, but he sounds as if he is talking through a muffler and all I can do is fo
llow the direction his arm is pointing at. I stand up, hugging myself, as the room gets darker.

  ‘I’m not ready,’ I shout, and feel voiceless. I can just about see Hawk. The dark is swallowing him and me. My mind sparks, with what feels like the last bit of adrenaline, reminding me of my real body, the one that was really dying. I have to do something.

  ‘Please don’t die – live!’ I beg, running towards the hospital bed – towards me.

  15

  Cocoon

  AMBER’S HOUSE

  I’ve lost her, goddess help me; I’ve lost her… Hawk cries to himself. He felt like someone had ripped his heart out and tried to focus on answers, pushing the last image of Nevaeh screaming, from his mind.

  The voices around him were filtering in and he opened his eyes just long enough to voice his anger. Everyone stared at him in fear; they could tell he was on the edge. After accepting a drink of water, he closed his eyes again, trying to connect with his ancestors. He muttered the meditation harmonies of his people, calling on the great spirits to guide him. He felt his mind detach, separate as he looked around. The room and everyone in it had disappeared.

  From the top of a high cliff, he looked down at the familiar land of his ancestors. In the distance, smoke drifted from a village, a village he will one day enter. The cliff top was the closest he could get, the world between the living and dead could not be crossed.

  Aponi, find me. He calls opening his palms.

  A soft sigh is enough for Hawk to sense her presence.

  Aponi’s long dark hair is braided, and she wears traditional Sioux dress, her body radiating a familiar golden light. – a light he never tired of. He holds his breath as she cups her hands before opening them to reveal a small butterfly cocoon. She always seemed to talk to him in symbols; it is the way of his people. He knows that the cocoon represents Nevaeh, for now at least. He groans, the image of Nevaeh, was raw, and he felt so helpless.

  ’bout time…do you know how long we’ve been sitting in one position?’ Nettles groaned before standing up slowly, wobbling.

  ‘I don’t think I can take another day of this – it’s been a whole week for crying out loud.’ Seth moans in unison.

  ‘Hello, you aren’t alone you know, I feel as if every bone has been moulded into this position. Anyway, it hasn’t been two full days, we’ve been in shifts, and if I remembered correctly, your boyfriend wasn’t even here for most of it,’ Caro muttered as she pulled her legs up to her chin. She rolled her eyes, as Nettles blew a purposeful kiss towards her boyfriend. The act was meant for her. Seth liked his sleep, always had, and as long as there were three of them, the other three could sleep.

  It was hard on everyone, swopping houses – Amber’s at night, Andrea’s during the day. Andrea looked at everyone uncertainly. As totem leader, she was responsible for everyone. They even had to stagger sick days at school, so it wasn’t too obvious. Everything had to be planned in minute detail, and she had already been sent a message from the council voicing their concern. What they were doing was dangerous, and if it wasn’t for Hawk’s experience, they wouldn’t have allowed it. She kept to their instructions of taking down notes and recording Hawk’s experiences. It was the only way they could continue and she knew it was for research purposes. One of the librarians told her on the phone that they had only written records of contact, no actual proof. To be in contact with someone who hasn’t passed through the veil was rare. She grimaced at how excited Meg was and was glad Hawk hadn’t heard it - it was too personal.

  Everyone seemed to be groaning except for Hawk who hadn’t moved from his lotus position in the centre for hours. When he did come out, they had to force food and water on him. No-one, not even Andrea, could believe how determined he was. Seth frowned looking at the others before reaching out with one finger to poke him – there was no response.

  Outside of the circle, Andrea frowned, noticing his clenched fists as she leaned closer.

  ‘He’s awake.’ She mouthed before calling them to the kitchen. Everyone tiptoes after her except Amber who is still sound asleep on the couch after being removed permanently when she needed the loo. She snores as they pass making everyone giggle.

  Hawk opens his eyes trying to focus. The room is spinning and he lies on the wooden floorboards of Nettles’ lounge staring at the flaking ceiling in despair before jumping to his feet. Andrea is at his side in seconds and places her hand gently on his arm.

  ‘What’s happening Hawk…everything okay? She’s back right?’ she asks.

  Hawk looks at her then, and Andrea notices the clenched tight look of his mouth, stepping back with her hand over her mouth in horror. The others look around them silently, listening to his last moments with her and his vision. He pauses when Amber sits up stretching her arms, yawning loudly. It had taken a while before she realised that everyone was standing in the middle of Nettles’ lounge surrounding Hawk.

  ‘Hey guys, you finished?’ Amber groaned.

  They all turn to look at her, and she holds her breath, sitting up slowly, remembering why they are here – Nevaeh! Each face seems to show a different emotion. Her eyes scan Andrea’s - it was the most telling. A face she had studied and admired for months. This face was different. The emotions were conflicted and full of fear, a fear that made her dread asking the question, but she had to. When Andrea walked over and hugged her, she knew it was bad.

  ‘Nevaeh?’ She whispered, her question muffled by Andrea’s shoulder. Andrea released her and chose her words carefully.

  ‘We don’t know…Seth’s on the phone to the hospital now…she’s…we think she’s slipping away.’

  Claudine and Caro held each other before running to Hawk.

  Amber sat back with a thump onto the couch, looking miserably past Andrea to Hawk. The twins were clucking sympathetically to him while pouring a glass of water for Hawk. Hawk gulped it down gratefully, and every action infuriated her. It was the way they rallied, surrounding him like he some hero. The twins didn’t care about Nevaeh – just Hawk. They didn’t even know her – how could they? Why was everyone so sorry for him? He wasn’t in a coma. She gripped the side of her head, massaging her temples. The heavy mantle of guilt felt too much. Nevaeh was coming to see her that night, and she was upset. Hawk had just left her, disappearing and not returned any of her calls. Even when Amber had tried calling him, no-one knew where he was.

  That’s why she had invited her over that night. If it wasn’t for her, Nevaeh wouldn’t have met him or any of the others. Now everyone was interested in her.

  Nevaeh, I’m so sorry, I got you into all of this.

  She looked at him with hatred. Why did he hurt her? Couldn’t any of them see how fragile she was? Now look at him, making out he is so upset, putting everyone through a week’s rota of trancing. Amber felt like she was seeing everyone for the first time; if it wasn’t for Hawk’s vision, they wouldn’t have given Nevaeh a second glance. She hadn’t even inherited anything. Everyone here had at least one totem family member to vouch for them. Amber’s father, the one she never saw since he ran out on them, was one, although he was exiled because of bad behaviour. Nevaeh was adopted, she could be anyone. So could Hawk, and his family were Sioux Indians - for crying out loud. When she heard Hawk was teaching trancing to Nevaeh, she couldn’t believe it.

  Pretending to be happy, for a non-totem when you were waiting for initiation was difficult enough. Amber’s anger turned to rage.

  This was complete bullshit!

  She spoke so softly at first that her voice almost dissolved in the rumble of voices.

  ‘I don’t understand…you’re supposed to help her.’ Andrea and Nettles were the only ones to turn towards her frowning. The fire inside her blazed while she continued to stare at him.

  ‘Did you hear me? Yes. You - the great trancer.’ She ignored the intake of breath from everyone. ‘You might as well have let her die!’ Her voice rose as she pushed herself back up to a standing posit
ion.

  The rest of the group held their breath looking from Amber to Hawk. After staring at her for a deathly few minutes, Hawk turned on his heels slamming the door. She felt cheated, and it inflamed her anger even more. Without thinking, she ran after him as he was getting into his car.

  ‘Run, you coward – you did this to her and you made me do the same. We both might as well have killed her.’ She screamed. Hawk swung round to face her, his keys jingling in his hand as he strode back.

  ‘You’re right – we did!’ His voice was hard and fixed like his grim face, and it felt like forever before he pulled his eyes away. Amber felt like cold water had been thrown onto her, and reeled with the effects. By agreeing, he had just pronounced her a murderer.

  16

  Challenges

  The group broke into a frenzy with everyone talking at once. She closed the door quietly before leaning against it. She didn’t expect to find the entire group standing there. Seth was the first to speak.

  ‘Are you insane? Can’t you see how broken up the guy is Amber?’ Seth pushed his hand through his striped hair while Claudine and Caro spat at her angrily. Seth stopped when she turned towards him with tortured eyes, looking away. Amber looked scarier than normal with her black eyeliner smudged down her face. Her voice was quiet even though her breathing was shallow as she looked at everyone.

  ‘I just did what you asked. I made friends with Nevaeh. And now I’m a murderer, not you – me. I’m not even a full member. I’m just me – Amber, the one you won’t teach to trance. You never intended to teach me did you, any of you? Just wanted me to bring in Nevaeh, but for what? You never told me anything, just that Hawk had a vision, that she was important. Look at what we’ve all done.’

  She held her hands out as if they had blood on them and they were trembling. The silence told her all she needed to know. Only Andrea tried to reach out to her, concern etched on her face. Amber waved her away, before bunching her fists against her temples. She groped blindly for her bag, trying to free it from the cushions on the couch which knocked over a lit candle. Claudine immediately stamped it out, but Amber didn’t notice, she just wanted to escape. She knew where she was really wanted, and it wasn’t here.